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Summary: YAHF - Xander shouldn't put costumes on his parents when they are sleeping

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Addams' Family, ThemisterqFR151220,4733830486,64127 Oct 0721 Sep 12Yes

Chapter 8

Xander stalked up to the Sunnydale public library. His mother asked for more books on obscure magic - which the public library was oddly stocked full of. But before he left through the door, Jessica mentioned that his father was there. Now that his investments were providing more and more cash, he was volunteering his time to read to the little children.

Xander made it to the library in record time. As the boy blurred through the doors and towards the children section, he gave a sigh of relief. None of the kids were passed out or screaming in terror. Or passed out after screaming, and possibly vomiting, in terror. Xander took that as a good sign that Tony Harris was just starting to read his story.

"All right, children. Here is a cute little book that I liked when I was your age. It's called, 'Doctor Blood and His Orgy of Gore'. Page one. In the foggy quiet, sleepy town of Ipswich, Henry Mouse had just received a new sweater.. gah!" Tony said as his son grabbed him by the back of his shirt, ripping him off the little open-backed chair he was sitting on and dragging him towards the exit.

"It's nice to see you too, son; but if I don't finish the story, the little ones will never know what color Henry Mouse's sweater turns at the end!" Tony flailed around as he was dragged out of the Library, but thankfully still maintaining his grip on the self-published children's book.

"I'm sure they could make an educated guess, dad," Xander deadpanned.

The next day, a sobbing Buffy approached Xander and Willow. "Ford is dead. They found his body in the football field."

"There, there. I'm sure he's in a.. um.. better place," Xander said, remembering how Ford, now Dodge, was lazing about; watching daytime soaps while surfing the internet back at home (after he'd been instructed not to give clues or tell anyone who he really was).

"I checked his medical records, because hey, new kid who's also a Buffy friend comes here all of a sudden. Call me little Miss Paranoid," Willow babbled. "It looked like he had brain tumors. He was dying, Buffy."

"He knew about vampires. He saw you stake one, Buffy, and wasn't surprised, right?" Xander asked, "What if he came to Sunnydale to get turned? Maybe he thought that it was better than the alternative?"

Buffy cocked her head to the side, deep in thought. "You know, that would explain the horrible excuse note they found with him and his body's lack of blood."

'And not because most of his blood ended up on my living room walls,' Xander thought to himself, remembering. 'It's amazing how much a sudden lack of head can cause someone to turn into a veritable blood fountain. You know, I should be more traumatized by all this. Why am I not traumatized? I bet vampires would love to have their own blood fountains. Maybe like the ones at the mall, where the water jumps from one place to another. Little kids playing in it all the time. But instead of little kids, it could be vampires. Maybe little kid vampires. Of course, cleaning up little blood-stained vampire children would take forever. It took Dodge almost twelve hours to...'

"...ask Xander? What do you think Xander?" Buffy asked, bringing the boy out of his own musings and into the uncharted regions of a conversation he had stopped paying attention to a minute ago.

"I.. er.. think blood-stained vampire children are a bad thing."

Buffy and Willow just stared at their friend.

That evening, Xander was patrolling on his own. His parents were pouring over the books he got after he returned to the public library. The teen was glad that Buffy was finally talking to him. Although, he was not happy that after Ford's 'demise', she was even more protective of what she believed were her regular human friends. He was sorely tempted to spar with Buffy and have it so she chops off a limb. Maybe seeing him reattach it would convince her that he wasn't made of squishy fragile goo-filled water balloons.

Willow was coming along nicely with the magics. She was still, understandably, wary of Tony Harris, but now had a growing accord with Xander's mother. Mostly, Xander thought, it was because his mom was both willing to teach his friend magic on a regular basis, and come over to her house to instruct, rather that have Willow venture to the Harris' house.

Xander was just passing the school when he saw a man banging on the door who was being chased by a demon woman. He only saw the man banging on the door, because he couldn't hear anything over what he figured was Buffy's training music; and he doubted that Giles or anyone inside the school could hear the banging on the door.

"Hi," Xander said loudly to the man, startling him, "Do you know there's a demon woman coming after you?"

"Aaahhh!" the man screamed after whipping his head around and suddenly seeing Xander. Then he whipped his head around in the other direction and saw the demon lady, "Aaahhh!"

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Xander nodded and walked over to the demon lady. Mustering his full arsenal of diplomatic tact, Xander spoke to the demon, "Shoo! Skat! Go away!"

The demon woman stopped and spoke in a deep voice, "He has the mark! He has my mark! This body is failing, I need a new one."

Her hand struck out and backhanded Xander into the opposite wall with more than enough force to render a normal human unconscious. She then held out her hands, ready to strangle the terrified man. Then her face met a quickly moving broken two-by-four wielded by Xander, who was not as normal a human as he used to be. "He has your mark? Is that like a hickey? The result of a bad first date or something you need to go on Jerry Springer to talk about?"

"Look, I need to find Rupert Giles," said the frantic man even as several feet away, the demon woman was picking herself off the ground where she had fallen.

"Oh yeah, I know G-man."

"Can you get me into the school?"

"Sure. I have the key, right here," Xander said. Then he lifted his foot and performed a perfect straight stomp kick into the school door utilizing his supernatural strength. There was a massive thump.

"Well, don't I feel silly now," Xander said as he remained standing on one foot while holding his broken wooden two-by-four. The door remained where it was, only now it had a moderate sized dent and a shoe print on it. "They make it look so easy on those cop shows."

That was when the demon lady tackled him through the newly unlocked door. Giles had managed to turn off Buffy's music and heard the thump. Xander quickly recovered and used his wooden weapon to smack the demon woman back out through the door. He pulled the man into the school and slammed shut the door, locking it again. "Hey, G-man. This guy came for you by demon express mail. My guess is that the mail demon lady was upset he didn't have the exact postage."

"Phillip?" said Giles after recovering both from his shock at seeing his old friend and Xander's rambling sentence.

"Rupert!" said the man, "Diedre is after me! Eyghon got to her. He's back!"

"So it *is* one of those Jerry Springer relationship things!" Xander said. He was greeted by glares from both men. "What?"

AN: This story is powered by reviews and plot bunnies. Feel free to shovel both into the reactor.
PS: I did steal 'Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore from what I consider one of the best MST3K episodes. 'Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders' is a movie that they originally tried to make of two of Stephen King's short stories, but couldn't get the rights. So they added Merlin and tried making it targeted towards children... but never changed the original short story PLOTS!
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