The girls belong to Joss Whedon. Portal belongs to Valve software. Some of GLaDOS’ dialogue is taken directly from the game.Spoilers:
This gives away some of the plot from test chamber seventeen of the game.Author’s Note:
This is an attempt to out-do my previous weirdest pairing of Spike & Captain Picard’s desk.Setting:
Season six when Willow was playing it fast and loose with her magic.
Sometimes, even with all the experience that Willow had accumulated in the years that Buffy Summers had been a part of her life, she still made misjudgements, such as agreeing to Dawn’s request to visit the legendary realm of Meos Dromondrawl. They were barely staying ahead of the hordes of chasing demons as they fled through the forest.
“I think I have enough power now,” said Willow.
“Well, as much as I’m enjoying the exercise, open the damn portal back to Sunnydale before we become something’s lunch,” Dawn responded.
“Ok, here goes,” said Willow, casting as she ran. A blue portal opened up before them, and their momentum carried them both into it.
“Erm, Willow, I don’t think this is Sunnydale.” They were in a short corridor with metallic walls. In front of them was a door that looked like something out of Star Trek. This side of the portal was orange, and it closed up before their eyes just as the leading demons were about to reach it.
“You don’t say,” answered the witch sarcastically. “Still, at least there isn’t a horde of mmphhh...”
Dawn removed her hand from covering her friend’s mouth.
“Thanks,” said Willow, “I should know better than to say things like that. Where are we?”Hello.Who... are you?You are not supposed to be here. There is no test scheduled to take place today. Why... are you here?
“What was that?” said Dawn looking around for the source of the voice. “Who’s there? Hello? Where are we?”You are in test chamber... seventeen. Why are you in test chamber... seventeen? You are not authorised to be in test chamber... seventeen at this time.
Dawn approached the door and attempted to force it open, but was unsuccessful.Stop that.You are not permitted to interfere with the operation of the Aperture Science Automated Elevation Chamber Doorway. Please leave the Aperture Science Automated Elevation Chamber Doorway... alone.
“Who are you?” asked Willow.I am GLaDOS. Who... are you?
“I’m Willow, and this is Dawn. We’re sorry for intruding. You said this is test chamber seventeen?”Correct. You are in test chamber... seventeen. You are not authorised to be in test chamber... seventeen at this time. Please explain your presence in the test chamber. If you do not explain your presence in the test chamber, you will be removed from the test chamber...
The cold metallic voice was obviously computer generated.
“It sounds like some sort of research station. Let’s see what’s down the corridor,” Willow said to Dawn, turning away from the doorway.Please explain your presence in test chamber... seventeen. Removal will begin in 5... 4... 3... 2...
“We’re here to take the test,” said Dawn, grasping at the most promising straw.Very well. Welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-aided Enrichment Centre.
“Dawn, what have you done? We don’t have any idea what sort to testing they do here.”
“Well, ‘Removal’ sounded kind of unpleasant.”
“I suppose so. What’s that?” said Willow. They had rounded a corner in the corridor to find a large cube hanging from a structure embedded in the ceiling. Willow walked under to it to make a closer examination; there was a pink heart in the centre of each face.The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted Companion Cube in 3...2...1...
She jumped back, narrowly avoiding the cube as it fell. Dawn smothered a giggle.This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through the test chamber. Please take care of it.
“What the? Weighted Companion Cube – what the hell is a Weighted Companion Cube?”
“Awww. I think it’s kinda cute.”
“Well, if you think it’s cute, you can carry it,” said Willow. With that, she walked off into the next room.
Shrugging, Dawn walked over to the cube, and with a bit of effort lifted it onto her shoulder. “They don’t call you ‘Weighted’ for nothing, do they?” She followed in the direction Willow had taken.
She caught up with Willow in a room that contained a staircase; however, each stair was four feet high. The witch was stood at its foot with hands on hips.
“See, what you need there,” said Dawn, “is something to stand on – say a nice Weighted Companion Cube?” She put the cube down and used it to climb up onto the first stair. Willow followed her up, then, together, they lifted the cube up and repeated the process on the rest of the stairs. At the top, there was an archway that led into another narrow corridor. Willow was about to round the corner when a bright orange fireball emerged from it, and hit the opposite wall.
“What the hell was that?” said Willow.That was an Aperture Science High Energy Pellet.
“What’s one of those?” asked Dawn.The Aperture Science High Energy Pellet delivers a high amount of energy to an Aperture Science High Energy Pellet Receptor.
“Otherwise known as a wall?” asked Willow as a second pellet crashed into it.
“Maybe the test is to get it into the receptor,” suggested Dawn.
“And how do we do that without it killing us? I don’t like the idea of being hit by something advertised as ‘high energy’.”
“Here.” Dawn pushed passed her and held the cube out in front of her. She smiled as the next pellet bounced off it. “Come, on.” She set of down the corridor with Willow in tow.
“You’re enjoying this aren’t you,” grumbled the witch.
They traversed another corridor, also occupied by an Aperture Science High Energy Pellet, The symptoms most commonly produced by enrichment centre testing are superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations. The enrichment centre reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you, and, in fact, cannot speak.
“I was, but that was just a teensy-bit creepy.”
“A teensy-bit! That was full on whacko! Come on, were getting out of here.” No sooner had those words left Willow’s mouth than they found themselves emerging onto a ledge set high in the wall over another room full of test equipment. “Dammit! A dead end.”
“Hang on, there must be way forward – let’s think about it. Maybe if we dropped the cube down then you dangled over the edge and I climbed down you, then I could catch you as you dropped—“ she looked up to find Willow floating out over the edge “—or that works too.” Dawn stood on the tops of Willows shoes and wrapped her left arm around the witch’s neck.
“This would be a lot easier if you left that behind.” Dawn’s other hand still held the Weighted Companion Cube on her shoulder.
“No way. It’s my companion cube, and it’s coming with us.” Willow groaned, but floated them toward the exit of the chamber, completely bypassing the intended test.That was an... original solution to the test.
“Yes, thank you Gladys, or whatever you name is. Now, how do we get out of here?”You did it. The weighted companion cube certainly brought you good luck. Unfortunately it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and must be euthanized.
“What!” yelled Dawn. “You want me to kill my cube? No way, bitch.”
“Dawn, it’s an inanimate object – I’m starting to think that warning wasn’t quite so psycho after all.”Please escort your companion cube to the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator.
“Listen bitch, I’m not burning my cube. You can take your stupid test and shove it up your stupid electronic ass.”Rest assured that an independent panel of ethicists has absolved The Enrichment Centre, Aperture Science Employees and any test subjects of any moral responsibility for the companion cube euthanizing process.
“Not going to happen. Willow, do you have enough power to get as back to Sunnydale yet?”
“I think so, let me try...”
Buffy had endured a hard day’s work at the Doublemeat Palace, pulling a double shift, and then she had to stop off at the grocery store on the way home to pick up her weekly shop. Therefore, she was not in the best mood when she opened the front door of 1630 Revello Drive with one hand, cradling a large pile of shopping bags against her chest with the other. She was even less pleased when, a few moments later, she walked into a large object left in the middle of the hallway, and the shopping went flying across the room.
“What in God’s name is that?” she asked Willow, who had come in from the lounge on hearing the noise.
“Ask your sister,” came the reply from the witch.
If you've no idea what I'm banging on about, watch this.
You probably still won't have any idea, but watch it anyway :)