Thor II: Electric Boogaloo
Feeling Kind of Thor 2
BTVS is not mine, it is Joss Whedon’s; Stargate is still an MGM/Gekko production as far as I can currently recollect.
Thor was speaking to the human known as O’Neill as they approach the Stargate, having indicated favorably that the Tauri would evolve into something greater.
“Other than perhaps Xander of California, you are the most advanced human I have encountered.”
“You’ve been to Earth? When?”
“I returned a few of your weeks ago,” the alien told him with what looked to be a smile. He coaxed the colonel toward the event horizon, and as the colonel passed into it he heard, “It was, after all, poker night.”
Graduation Eve, June 1999
The Asgard beamed down to find Xander busy with primitive weapons and chemical explosive ingredients.
“Xander. Greetings. No poker night?”
“Sorry, Thor. We have an Apocalypse again.”
“Worse. We have an invincible guy trying to become an Old One and opening up the Hellmouth. Wanna help?”
“We usually don’t interfere—”
“You help us out, and I bet I could get at least Doyle and Clem for a game—heck, I’ll finally introduce you to Giles and you can discuss the Slayer Tradition with him.”
“Well, while we usually do not interfere, the fact that your genetic material could be lost to future Asgard efforts to recover our species development capability behooves me to at least prevent your annihilation.”
“You’re just worried it’ll interfere with your Hostess smuggling.”
“The thought is purely secondary, Xander.” The young man raised an eyebrow. “I have another order for Hawaiian shirts.”
“Ha, ha, ho, Thor. THAT I can accept. I got the usual couple of crates of ‘em out back. The ol’ lady thinks they take up too much space, but she kinda likes ya.”
“It is always a pleasure to meet with your new wife, XanderHarris. Tell me, is Queen C around?”
“She’s at the school library, trying to show everybody the stuff we’ve been trying to cobble together in hopes of keeping the Class of ’99 alive tomorrow.” He smiled thinking about his wife of two months. “Oh, and it’s not Harris any more.”
Thor frowned. Difficult with his minimal brow.
“I do not understand.”
“Well, you remember Tony? Turns out he isn’t my real dad. So I sure wasn’t going to be a Harris any more.”
“Thor’s son.” The Asgard was stunned. Even the idea of adoption would be overwhelming for one of his species, so long ago it had been.
“Hey, half your DNA got stuck in me, and even though you came back and took back everything I beamed down, you DID leave us with those Zats and the healing chamber. So we thought it seemed right.”
“Thank you, Xander…Thorson. I am honored.” The Asgard paused. “Would beaming the threat into the sun perhaps solve the problem.”
Xander smiled, thinking about the Olvikan found in the lava, “Yeah, it would. Even better than a volcano. And by the time we’re done, Cordy can have snacks and sodas ready. Oh, and Buffy’s mom made you another gross of chocolate chip cookies—”
“No walnuts this time. The way you puffed up last time Buffy was grounded for a week for forgetting your nut allergy.”
“Well, for the emotionally stable and wise Joyce, I shall endeavor to end this local politician’s threat to the cosmos.”
“You just like Joyce’s cookies.”
“A Supreme Commander of the Asgard does not sell himself for cookies.”
“Maybe just rent himself out.”
“It is merely an exchange of good will between worlds.”
“And you love chocolate chip cookies.”
“For one so young, you know much…my son.”
“Greetings, Jack O’Neill,” greeted Supreme Commander Thor of the Asgard.
“Greetings. Have we met?”
“I am Thor; we met a few of your months ago while you were on one of our worlds. I apologize for taking you by surprise, but I have come on a matter of great importance.”
“We're in orbit around Earth, right?”
“You know, we have satellites, telescopes. They can see things like spaceships.”
“Our ships have never been detected in orbit around Earth before.”
“Oh. All right. Sorry, you were saying something? A matter of great importance…?”
“We received word of what transpired with your people and the Goa'uld named Hathor.”
“She had it coming.”
“As a result, the Goa'uld System Lords have turned their attention towards you.”
“What, for killing Hathor? They should be thanking us. She was planning to overthrow them you know.”
“Her intentions are irrelevant. Earth has once again proven it can be a formidable threat to the Goa'uld.”
“Oh, now we're a threat to them?”
“They have decided it is a concern to be dealt with. The System Lords are capable of launching an assault one hundred times more powerful than that which you previously withstood at the hands of Apophis.”
“Okay, that could be a problem.”
“The Asgard agree. I have come to offer our assistance.”
“Now see, that would be appreciated. I've seen your work…it's great.”
“The vast majority of the Asgard fleet is currently unavailable.”
“Oh. So what do you have in mind?”
“With your permission, the Asgard will attempt to negotiate with the Goa'uld System Lords to include Earth in the Protected Planets Treaty.”
“That's a good thing, right?” As O’Neill asked, another flash of light occurred, and young man and woman, maybe all of twenty years of age at most, appeared.
“O’Neill, this is my…son Xander and his wife Cordelia.”
The young man held out a hand to shake. O’Neill saw before him a normal human, not an Asgard. Xander smiled.
“Pleased to meet you, Colonel,” the young man greeted in a West Coast American accent. “I’ve heard some good stuff about you.”
“You don’t look like your father.”
Xander laughed. Cordelia rolled her eyes.
“Okay, I deserved that. So, both of you live on Earth?”
“Yep,” the young man, Xander, answered. O’Neill waited. Thor decided to continue with the previous conversation.
“The Treaty would prevent this attack.”
“Good. Um, to be honest with you, I'd rather have a fleet of your ships here. A few of these babies and we could just…” He stopped as Thor looked at him.
“My son is of the same opinion, but the Asgard are truly occupied elsewhere.”
“So…We could try the negotiating thing.”
“I will contact the System Lords. You may return to your planet now.” Thor disappeared in a flash of light, leaving the three humans politely staring at each other.
“Excuse me…I assume someone's going to show me the way back?”
Cordelia rolled her eyes and hit a couple of buttons on her very fashionable version of an arm bracer. Light surrounded him.
General Hammond met with his top team in the briefing room.
“The President is wondering how confident we are in trusting the Asgard.”
“The Tok'ra trust them,” Carter replied. Daniel joined in agreement.
“They helped Jack out when he got the Ancients' language downloaded into his brain.”
“You got to love them for that.”
General Hammond smiled at the remark.
“But we know very little about the politics out there. How do we know the Asgard truly have our best interests at heart?”
“Well, I suppose we don't. But if they have any other agenda in mind…” he began, only to be interrupted by a bright light and Thor materializing with two young humans. Hammond looked concerned.
“Colonel, do we need security?”
“No, I'll vouch for him, sir. Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson, you remember Thor? Uh, Thor, this is Teal'c and Major General George Hammond. He's the leader of our facility here. And, um, his son Xander and daughter-in-law Cordelia.”
“The System Lords have agreed to negotiate,” Thor began. Cordelia cleared her throat and gave her father-in-law a look. “Pardon my abruptness. Cordelia has been kind enough to brief me in your human customs.”
Thor stepped forward, and offered his hand to General Hammond, the leader of the facility.
“Major General George Hammond,” he addressed the large man though it seemed to those in the room the two were both of sage presence. “I greet your world, and wish to inform you that the System Lords have agreed to negotiations.”
“Thank you, Thor,” the general responded as the handshake ended. “On behalf of the SGC and of our government, welcome to Earth. To you and your…family.”
Cordelia muttered to Xander.
“Always knew somehow you’d end up being an alien.”
The young man beamed, “And you married me.”
”Pity is a universal virtue. I wasn’t going to let you pollute an entire Intergalactic Civilization without a fight. And they make killer shoes to order.”
Thor turned to his ‘children’ and they quieted in response.
“Sorry,” they apologized. Thor turned back to the SGC personnel. O’Neill stated the obvious.
“That's good news.”
“They will arrive here in four days.”
“Here?” O’Neill responded with surprise. “Earth?”
“It is customary for such negotiations to take place on the planet in question. Three representatives from the System Lords will arrive by Stargate. You must be prepared to speak on behalf of all the inhabitants of Earth.”
“Uh, well maybe not me personally…”
“We have chosen you, O'Neill, to represent your planet at the proceedings.”
“All right, now see, that could be a mistake. You see, Doctor Jackson here is an extremely educated and articulated man, very well versed in all the languages…or how about your kids?”
“You have led your people into the galaxy through the Stargate. You are our choice, O'Neill. Further instructions to aid you in preparation will follow.”
The negotiations had bogged down, when Cronus was seemingly attacked by Teal’c, who in turn suffered mightily in the attempt. When Nirrti and Yu did not seem to be able to heal their fellow Goa’uld, they returned to gather their belongings with the intention of demanding their release.
Xander beamed down and greeted Nirrti.
“I think the Tauri know about how you managed to attack Cronus”
“How dare a half-breed like you accuse me—”
“I don’t really care, but I found a couple o’ jars Ra left behind a long time ago. They might contain cousins of yours.”
Nirrti looked intrigued.
“Who are they?”
“Osiris and Isis.”
Nirrti hissed at the names of her ages-lost enemies.
“One of them; the other seems dead. I don’t know which is which.”
“Speak your proposal.”
“While I don’t REALLY care about you Snakes bombing the planet, the Gate is mine. At the beginning of the next meeting, I want you to ‘gift’ my claim to the Gate as a goodwill gesture to the Asgard. In return, I will present the dead snake to Yu and the living one to you, um, Nirrti as a sign of my appreciation.”
“So if we destroy this world?”
“One of your attacking Hataks will be my compensation, and I’ll beam up my Gate, a few pets and retainers, and leave.”
“You would betray your people?”
“I am Asgard, Lady Nirrti. Your kind should know the human shell contains something more important.” He looked at her with disappointment. She nodded.
“No. I will send you through to my Homeworld, and you will settle for my second best Hatak. And I alone will receive the canopic jars containing my enemies upon your return message to your father and your mate. And you will not divulge this information to others.”
“Hey Dad, I need to borrow the spaceship go pick up a ship Nirrti’s giving me…”
“Can you give me and the ship a ride back? It’ll only take you a few minutes to tow me.”
“Fifteen minutes. No more.”
“Okay, I’ll let the Snake Lady know.”
SG-1 watched as the Stargate activated; Cronus and Yu, Nirrti held prisoner between them, headed up the Gate ramp. O'Neill and Daniel stood at the bottom of the ramp, witnessing their departure. Before he entered the gate, Cronus turned back to face the Gate Room.
“We will not attack your world. But…if you continue to use your Stargate, be warned—anyone who is caught by one of the System Lords will be shown no mercy. They will suffer greatly. And considering we know little of Nirrti’s arrangements with the Son of the Asgard, yours will be a slow painful end in his stead.”
He stared primarily at O’Neill.
“Well that certainly makes life more…interesting,” the colonel murmured as the Goa'uld System Lords disappeared through the gate, watched by Defense Secretary Simms among others.
At this moment, Xander beamed down into the Gate Room, setting everybody on edge for a moment.
“Stand down!” Hammond ordered.
“Wow, what did I miss while I dawdled on the N-Lady world?”
“Oh, she attacked Cronus, who survived, so Yu and Cronus voted to sign the Treaty and let us have the Gates. They just left.”
“Did they have two jars with ‘em?”
“Hold on a minute…” he beamed away, seemingly through the still-barely-active Gate, and then back, jars under his arm in seconds. He looked over his shouldered as the Chappa’ai closed. “Don’t want any Snakes to take anybody over.”
“There’s Goa’uld in those?!” O’Neill complained in shock. “Why?!”
“Oh, I traded them for my new yacht. But the Snake-Girl isn’t gonna need ‘em, Dad’d be REALLY mad if I let his favorite Tauri Military Guys get taken over.”
O’Neill looked up.
“Yes, and you can’t have it. It’s mine. As I’m also Asgard, I can’t let you have it. I just hope I remember to pick up those dozen Death Gliders I left up in the woods just west of here. Wouldn’t wanna break the Treaty. Oh well, I’m sure if I remember to ask for them back in a year or three, you guys’ll help me find ‘em.”
Simms smiled as O’Neill spoke for the SGC.
Thor beamed down.
“Xander: it is time you remove your toy to a safe place.”
“Ah, Dad,” Xander joke-whined. Cordelia sighed.
“Come on Doofus, I have just the place for it, then we can get to more important things.”
“Like what?” he asked. Thor hit a button on his arm device. O’Neill gawked. He stared at the alien in what he recognized as being a Hawaiian shirt. Even the nametag was in English.
“Poker night,” the alien intoned. O’Neill with wide eyes expressed disbelief.
“Um, Thor? Poker night?”
“Yes, we have a monthly game,” the alien told him. At O’Neill’s confused look. “It is a game involving fifty-two rectangles called cards, organized into—”
“I-I know what poker is, I just can’t believe you fly to Earth just to play poker.”
“Oh, it is not just to play poker, but to see how the family is doing. And making sure your species hasn’t destroyed itself.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“You are welcome. It is not often a primitive species survives so long on a world with a Hellmouth.”
The three ‘Asgard’ vanished in brilliant and yet fashionably colored lights. The SGC staff looked at each other.