Disclaimer: Destroy All Humans belongs to THQ, Joss Whedon owns BTVS
Xander was not happy, some kid had taken the last toy rifle and left in the bin a weird looking alien ray gun. Xander looked at it and threw his hands up in exasperation; now his fatigues wouldn’t work and there was no way he was going as a soldier with that. As if out of thin air, a creepy Giles-clone appeared.
“I noticed your exasperated expression maybe I can alleviate your costume catastrophe.”
Xander jumped in his skin and almost pistol whipped the man with the rifle.
“Jeez, don’t do that you could give a guy a heart attack!” Xander said clutching at his chest.
“Well it seems I have something that might rectify this pernicious problem.” Ethan said as he mentally rubbed his hands.
“Ok two things, first you stop using those big words and second what.” Xander asked.
Ethan just went into the back room and pulled out the blue bodysuit, various other paraphernalia and a card describing the character. Before stepping out, he liberally sprinkled on the fast-drying potion of transformation and double-checked the card.
It read: Cryptosporidium an alien from the Proxima Centauri system sent to investigate Earth.
Well, it was sparse but Ethan really never wanted to reveal all that he had drawn up from imagination.
Allowing a smirk to flicker across his face; he walked back to his costumer with the costume.
“This is a costume someone never picked up and I was going to sell it at auction if I couldn’t pass it onto a worthy wearer.” Ethan extended it to the boy and Xander took a look at it deciding to take it.
“I’ll take it, on the condition that my friends get their costumes at a reduced price.” Xander said.
Ethan and Xander shook on it, activating sympathetic magic that would change both of them that night for the worse.
Xander spent the next three hours getting used to walking in that damn bodysuit and choosing among the thankfully labeled weapons. He set aside the Anal Probe, the Disintegrator Ray and the Ion Destructor and decided to carry the Zap-o-Matic.
He decided to carry the silver communications device clipped to the belt with him and he went to collect the women in his life for tormenting the troll with a Freudian alien as this apparently was.
Joyce Summers opened the door and Xander pulled off a quick Vulcan salute and said.
“Take me to your leader.” Joyce stepped aside as she tried to figure out what Xander was. Then it hit her, he was a grey, but the poor boy had gotten it wrong; they were grey and they lacked teeth. But then the youth had never seen the alien movies that Hank was so fond of taking her on dates to see.
Buffy came down and Xander instantly wanted to assimilate that costume. She was dressed in a ball gown that somehow activated a primal part of his brain. Mentally he forced down the image of him as a nobleman ravishing her. He turned to see Willow in a substandard Boo! he suddenly wished he could burn the sheet off of her.
Exasperated, he gestured to the door while urging the other part of the trio to come and stop Snyder from committing volunteer conscription for trash duty. The trio hurried as fast as the gown could allow Buffy to travel. They got there ten minutes before the runts arrived and had to listen to the lecture from Snyder about remaining incommunicado.
After the lecture Xander received the bad news, the Scoobies were to be split up, each taking a pack of runts. Xander was pissed enough that he ignored Larry the pirate and stalked up to his charges and moved out.
Several minutes later, Ethan finished casting the spell and felt a tug a very powerful tug as the spell recombined him into a three-foot tall alien with two spines on either side of his head, somehow recombined his car and most likely those in a two block radius into a spaceship.
About three seconds later the rest of Sunnydale was hit with the spell. And all was dark for the Xanman.
A/N: There has been a recent study by the Ministry of Fanfiction that un-posted reviews can cause various maladies, including but not limited to sleeplessness, increased irritability, dry mouth, constipation and rarely leakage from various orifices.