Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Brown Eyes Blue

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

Summary: A man with one eye walks into a bar filled with pirates and....

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Pirates of the Caribbean > Xander-CenteredCandleFR1511,6190147,56722 Jul 0322 Jul 03Yes
Title: Brown Eyes Blue

Author: Candle


Category: Buffy/Pirates of the Caribbean

Pairing: None

Disclaimer: I do not own the Buffy or Pirates of the Caribbean cast. They are owned by God...otherwise known as Joss Whedon and Disney Pictures.

Distribution: Please ask

Rating: Pg-13 for drunken cursing and rabble rousing

Spoilers: Season Seven for Buffy although Anya survived the fight with the First, and spoilers for most of the movie.

Summary: A one eyed man walks into a bar filled with pirates and.......

Notes: Ever work in the produce department of a grocery store? I just switched departments and am still the low woman on the totem pole. That resulted in me wrapping 120 pints of strawberries while listening to elevator music that people must shop by. *shiver* Strange song fics will come from this. This is only the beginning......... Song is Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue by Crystal Gale.

He was drunk before he ever entered the bar. He had drunk all the alcohol in Gile's spiffy new house. The one he had bought with the Council's money. The one he shared with Anya. HIS ANYA. Sure, Xander had been the one to leave her at the altar but towards the end there, when things had been darkest she had turned to him for comfort. Not to Giles, but to him. To Alexander Lavelle Harris. But that didn't matter much. He wasn't smart enough, or "mature" enough for her now. Apparently, he was just an available penis.

"Sorry." He slid past the couple making out in the doorway. Andrew had jokingly told him about this place. It had been a bad joke that had gotten him a slap upside the head from quite a few of the Slayers-in-Training, but here he was. Sending Xander to a bar inhabited by pirates. Ha-ha. Of course, it was the only bar name he could remember when he had slid into the taxi cab. The "One Legged Pillager" was a hard name to forget. So, back to him entering the bar. It certainly smelled like it was inhabited by pirates. He could smell the sea and they were at least a good two miles away from the English sea side. He could also smell a few other whiffs of an indescribable nature but it was best not to describe them. Thus the indescribable nature. Xander snorted at his own inner joke as he plopped down on the nearest bar stool. "Whiskey sour."

The pirate behind the bar nodded and the parrot on his shoulder gave Xander a wink. Or at least that's what it had looked like to him. That could be Scotch speaking.

***I don't know when I've been so blue

Don't know what's come over you

You've found someone new

And don't it make my brown eyes blue***

Hah. Anya had found someone new. Okay, so Giles was old, but he was also new. Then again, Anya was old. Like a couple of thousands of years old, so what was a decade or two to her? Xander needed another drink. Hey, what was that pirate with the makeup doing? Was he singing?

***I'll be fine when you're gone

I'll just cry all night long

Say it isn't true

And don't it make my brown eyes blue***

He kind of had a nice voice. Xander slid off his stool, drink still intact and in hand. He began to hum along to the music as the funny man next to the stage continued to sing along with the juke box. Of course, with the constant hiccuping it was harder to tell the words, but who needed to hear the words to such a great song? Maybe he should have asked for a double.

***Tell me no secrets, tell me some lies

Give me no reasons, give me alibis

Tell me you love me and don't let me cry

Say anything but don't say good-bye***

Captain Jack Sparrow was a moron. At least in his own opinion. Who else would get himself cursed? Twice. It was all that stupid mermaid's fault. How could this have possible been his fault? She had been a gorgeous well curved woman. Very well curved. Although her beauty hadn't been enough. It was her pretty pearls that had beckoned him into trying to kidnap her to his ship. How was he to know that her father was the king of the mer-people? Huh? How was he to know? Now, he was cursed to live forever pining after those perfect globes.....oh, and the jewelry too. Cursed with an eternity of look but don't touch syndrome. If he wanted it enough, it would burn to the touch. A painful white hot burning that made it impossible to do the only thing he was good at. What kind of pirate couldn't steal? A cursed one.

There was a cure. At least so he had been told. He was cursed until he found the white-red witch. Whatever the hell that meant. He took another swig of his drink and turned to stare at the man who had sat down next to him mid-chorus.

***I didn't mean to treat you bad

Didn't know just what I had

But honey now I do

And don't it make my brown eyes

Don't it make my brown eyes

Don't it make my brown eyes blue***

"What's wrong buddy?" Xander squinted at the pirate next to him. At least, he hoped he was male. The make-up kind of made him wonder if he was drunk enough to confuse his genders. He didn't think so.


"Join the club. I grew up on the Hellmouth. All of my relationships are doomed. I'm cursed."

"At least you can touch a woman without making her hot."

"Hey!" Xander waved the waitress over and ordered another bottle of whiskey. Maybe sitting next to this guy was a mistake. He certainly wasn't an ego boost and they had only been sitting together for like....thirty seconds or something like that.

"Now, I didn't mean it like that. When I touch women, they feel like they are on fire and so do I."

"Ummm, buddy, that's not a problem. That's a solution." Xander winked at the waitress who brought him his bottle. Although with the one eye he wondered if it would just be considered blinking at her. Aw well, too late now. He unplugged the cork with his mouth and sighed as the first taste of the whiskey burned it's way down his throat.

"No, it's my hands. They burn when I get what I want. Gives a whole new meaning to burning with desire." Sparrow snorted and took a quick sip of the Zima next to him. He hated the girlie drink but it was one of the few he could drink without it coming to a boil in his mouth. If it even made it that far. He had a whole collection of glass sculptures he had created while trying to get drink to his lips.

***Tell me no secrets, tell me some lies

Give me no reasons, give me alibis

Tell me you love me and don't let me cry

Say anything but don't say good-bye***

"At least you're an actual pirate. Probably know how to swash a buckle and everything. Only thing I was good at was being a carpenter. Now, I can't even see to do that." He pointed at his missing eye and the pirate next to him nodded. "I mean whose ever heard of a one eyed carpenter? Not me..."

"Nice patch by the way. Very manly."

"Thanks. I mean come on, why couldn't he have chopped off a leg or something. At least they have prosthetics. Glass eyes aren't good for much besides looks."

"Better than wood." Jack shivered as he remembered his crew man. "Slivers are the worse."

Both men shivered at the thought of slivers.

"Is that what's bothering you? The eye? Cause I've known men in worse situations than you. There was this one crew that kept turning into the undead with the light of the moon...."


"No, just regular dead folk. Walking skeletons. And I'm not talking about those sticks that you call women nowadays. I'm talking missing pieces and rotting flesh kind of thing."

"Ewww to the skeleton thing. I'd say hey to the woman thing but the last woman I dated was a little on the too skinny side. But continue. They were undead."

"Yeah. And since I can't remember the point of this conversation....."

Xander creased his brow and though hard for a minute and a half. Which was a miracle for how much hard liquor he had in him. "Don't remember either."

"That's it! Everybody out!!!" The two men turned to face the annoyed bartender. Apparently a fight had broken out while the two men had been commiserating.

"Damn. Missed a fight."

Xander smiled as he tried to help his comrade stand. "If it's a fight you want, you should come live with me. Plenty of fighting when you're friends with the Slayer....s."

"Can't be any worse than staying around here." Jack watched his Zima spill out on the floor as he waved his arm about the room. Right where the dirty water of alcohol deserved to be. Evil girlie drink. How he wished for some rum.

"Easy for you to say. You don't have to watch your father figure and your ex-fiance kiss. A lot." Xander took another long swig of his drink and squinted his eyes out into the night. The man next to him began to hum the song from the bar under his breath.

***I didn't mean to treat you bad

Didn't know just what I had

But honey now I do

And don't it make my brown eyes

Don't it make my brown eyes

Don't it make my brown eyes blue***

"By the way, name is Xander. Xander Harris."

"Sparrow, Captain Jack Sparrow. And don't forget the Captain part. Everyone always does. I might not have a ship, but I'm still a fricking captain!!"

"Gotcha." Xander slid his arm through Jack's and both men began to sing the sad song under their breath, and three brown eyes started off into the night. Or at least they were off to the next bar.

"Hey! Karaoke!!!!"

***Don't it make my brown eyes

Don't it make my brown eyes blue***


I know it's not really a story, but I couldn't get the picture of Xander the drunken not so pirate out of my head.

The End

You have reached the end of "Brown Eyes Blue". This story is complete.

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking