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Son of Quagmire

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Summary: The YAHF/Xander's real family fic that goes somewhere very wrong.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family GuyCrazyDanFR1848,50557121,02422 Nov 0715 Feb 10No

Season 3 Part 1:

Son of Quagmire/ A YAHF/Xander's real family entry.
Crossover: Family Guy.
Note: Neither BTVS or Family guy are my intellectual property. I'm just borrowing them. This idea has been bugging me because of Quagmire's ability to get into odd situations and score with both two's and ten's in the same episode. Plus he wears those Hawaiian shirts so well.

Second Note: As with all things Quagmire, this story will involve implied rape, use of drugs to commit rape, necrophilia, incest and various other levels of sexual depravity. But I'll limit the language and keep it a F18 rating.

With that said, on with the story......

Son of Quagmire, Season 3: Part 1:

Season 3 Episode 1 and 2: Anne and Dead Man's Party....

Xander sighed after downing a large Gatorade. He'd gotten a summer job as a pool boy and it had been a pretty tiring experience. Especially with Cordelia's mom and her bridge clubs. Still, the money was worth it. The fact that all of those women took yoga classes helped as well. He idly scratched his crotch.

“Uh-oh.” He sighed. He had to have gotten them from somewhere. “Gotta stop by the pharmacy.” He muttered. “Still, worth it. Better get this taken care of before I go visit Mrs. Summers again. Giggity.”


Xander stared at the rows of zombies that were approaching the house. “All right, the bus crash from three years ago! The gymnastics team still looks pretty good. The embalmers do good work.”

Oz stared at him.

“Don't judge me.” Xander told him. “I saw what you did to that stuffed animal last month.”

Oz sighed. “Fine.” He made a mental note to make sure all cameras were far away from where he was locked up during the full moons. He gripped his machete and swung at another zombie. “Why is it so bad now?”

“Buffy's back. Trouble follows.” Xander said as he groped a mostly whole gymnast before tearing its head off with his bear hands.

“Point.” Oz agreed as he hacked at a few more of the zombies. “Have you been doing steroids?”

“Nah, Just a lot of exercise this summer.” Xander grinned. “Some of it was resistance training, most of it was endurance exercises. I might have picked up an STD or three, but the doctors cleared me. Blood tests came back negative.”

“Huh. You smell different. Have you been sleeping with demons?” Oz asked him.

“Maybe.” Xander shrugged. “Any female port in a storm right?”

“Whatever man. Just stay away from Willow.” Oz said as he shook some decayed flesh off his machete.

“Not a problem.” Xander grinned. He'd already been there enough to satisfy his curiosity.

Season 3 Episode 3: Faith, Hope & Trick....

“Dibs!” Xander called as they watched the brunette take out the vampire from The Bronze.

“What?” Buffy said as she looked over at him.

“I mean, she can stay at my apartment. The one I took over from Ted. It's big enough.” Xander said quickly. “I've got a spare bed.” He said before softly adding “Or ten.”

“You've got a place I can crash? Giggity.” The new Slayer said after dusting the vampire. “I'm Faith.”

“Xander.” Xander said with a lecherous grin.

Willow looked at Xander and then to Faith before looking back at Xander again. “You two look related!” She half shouted in surprise.

“Let me guess, your dad was in the Navy?” Faith asked Xander.

“Yep.” Xander grinned. “Guess that means I'll have to use a condom.” He said before laughing. “Nah. I'm just kidding. You're on the pill right?”

Faith just smirked.

“This is so wrong.” Buffy shuddered.

“I thought I was staying over tonight.” Cordelia said to Xander.

“The more the merrier.” Faith grinned.

“What she said.” Xander told his sort of girlfriend. “OH!” He stopped. “We'd better stop by the Asian market. With a Slayer involved we're going to need some Red Bull and some herbs.”

“Not man enough?” Faith smirked.

“No, they're for you.” Xander told her. “Trust me, I play doctor.” He said while wiggling his eyebrows.

“We're gonna go now.” Oz said as he gripped Willow's hand.

“Good idea.” Buffy said before backing away from Xander and his new.... friend.

Later.... At Ted's old place....

“Nice digs.” Faith said as she sat down on the sofa.

The wall next to it fell down revealing a bed. A disco ball dropped down from the ceiling and slow jazz started playing over the sound system.

“At least you're good with your hands.” Faith said as she started to wiggle out of her leather pants.

The doorbell rang.

“Company?” Cordelia asked with a glare at Xander.

“Just the usual.” Xander said with a shrug. “Do you like cheerleaders?” He asked Faith.

“Depends, they in uniform?” She asked him.

“Of course, what kind of sicko do you take me for?” Xander asked her.

“I think I'm gonna like it here.” Faith said as Xander let in Sunnydale's cheerleading squad.

Later.... in a warehouse.

“You're not going to want to go in there.” Oz said to Giles.

“Why not?” Giles said.

“Kakistos is dust.” Oz told him.

“Is Faith okay?” Giles asked the young werewolf.

“She's fine. Her and Xander are busy.... desecrating the ashes.” Oz told him.

“You told me they were related.... not that it matters to either one of them does it?” Giles said with a shudder.

There was a loud moan followed by two people shouting “Giggity” coming from the warehouse.

“Right then.... I'm going to get drunk now.” Giles said.

“Can I get drunk too?” Oz asked the Watcher.

“Me too! I've seen things... disturbing things.” Buffy pleaded.

“Fine.” Giles said. “Let's go.”

Season 3, Episode 4: Beauty and the Beasts.....

“That does it, you're not doing watch duty for Oz ever again.” Willow told Xander.

“It's not my fault!” Xander protested.

“Faith just fell on your penis then.” Buffy said while shaking her head. “Oz woke up and broke into Giles' alcohol stash as soon as he got out of the cage. We stopped him but only after he drank half the bottle.”

“Well, at least he didn't escape.” Xander said while Faith nodded. “That's got to count for something.”

“Then why are all the tranquilizers gone?” Giles asked the two.

“They're fun.” Faith said with a shrug. “Really mellows things out.”

“Those were meant to take down cattle.” Giles said with wide eyes. “There was enough in there to take out a small herd. You used them all?”

“It made things... tingly.” Xander grinned. “They were pretty weak.”

“Giggity.” Faith and Xander said in unison.

“No giggity.” Oz said in his alcohol induced coma. “You're not supposed to do that with a book holder...”

“Spoilsport.” Faith grinned.

“Get of my library.” Giles told the two teens.

“Giles...” Xander pleaded.

“Out!” Giles shouted.

Later.... somewhere in the school.....

“Huh, looks like someone left some home brew.” Xander said as he and Faith snuck into a room at the school.

Faith opened one of the jars and sniffed it. “Decent proof. Split it?”

“Sure. Not like I'm going to class later today.” Xander said as he opened the other jar.

“Bottoms up.” Faith said as they clinked jars.

The two teens downed the beverages and both coughed with the afterburn.

“Potent stuff.” Xander said as his face began to change a little.

“Is it hot in here or is it just me?” Faith asked him, her own face was covered in bulging veins.

“Honey, you just got real ugly.” Xander told her. “But I'm too jazzed to care.”

“Same here.” Faith said as she leapt at her half brother.
Elsewhere in the school.....

Principal Snyder looked up as he heard a noise.... “Bears? It can't be....” He said as he got closer to the air vent in his office.

“ROARRR! Giggity!” He heard come from the vent.

“I'd better call animal control.” Snyder said as he hurried to his phone. If there was one thing the principal was afraid of, it was bears.

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