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Son of Quagmire

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Summary: The YAHF/Xander's real family fic that goes somewhere very wrong.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family GuyCrazyDanFR1848,50557121,03522 Nov 0715 Feb 10No

Season 3, part 3:

Son of Quagmire/ A YAHF/Xander's real family entry.
Crossover: Family Guy.
Note: Neither BTVS or Family guy are my intellectual property. I'm just borrowing them. This idea has been bugging me because of Quagmire's ability to get into odd situations and score with both two's and ten's in the same episode. Plus he wears those Hawaiian shirts so well. Quamire was created by Seth MacFarlane, and Buffy is Joss Whedon's brainchild.

Second Note: As with all things Quagmire, this story will involve implied rape, use of drugs to commit rape, necrophilia, incest and various other levels of sexual depravity. But I'll limit the language and keep it a F18 rating.

Season 3 Part 3:

Lovers Walk and The Wish:

Willow gasped as she jerked upright in bed. She took a moment as she took stock of her situation. “Not again.” She muttered as she got out of bed. “Stupid wet dreams.” She said as she changed her sheets. She'd been dreaming of Xander and Faith doing.... things again.

“There has got to be a way to fix this. Maybe I can find a spell or something.” Willow muttered, completely ignoring the fact that both of her parents were abnormal psychologists. “Yeah, a spell could work. Get all the weird thoughts right out of my head.”

She nodded to herself even as one of her hands drifted down past her stomach. “That's what I'll do first thing after school.” Willow said. “It's the only way.”

Elsewhere in town....

Spike was drunkenly stumbling around town while crying hysterically. Drusilla had left him for a donkey this time. Apparently the barnyard animal was a stunning 'conversationalist'. He hadn't intended to end up back on the Hellmouth, but this is where the problems had started.

All thanks to that bastard Harris. He was the one that had corrupted Spike's precious sire.

Spike was so wasted he didn't even see the bus that sent him flying into an alley.
In the bus....
“X, I think you hit something.” Faith told her half brother.

“Doesn't matter, we're blocks away from home. There is no way I'm stopping when we've got a bus full of unsuspecting foreign girls from the college.” Xander told her as he assured the girls on the bus that he'd hit a 'speed bump' in several different languages.

“Exactly how did you get them to agree to a midnight outing?” Faith asked him.

Xander smirked. “It's a free English lesson.”

Faith's unsettling cackle was enough to make the girls a little nervous.

A quick round of knockout gas took care of that.

Angel and Buffy stared as Xander and Faith unloaded the busload of girls.

“This just isn't fair. I have sex one time and I go all evil, Xander has it loads of times and no one has slayed him yet.” Angel whined.

“Hey, I've tried slaying him. He's like a flexible cockroach.” Buffy told her boyfriend. “I'm still pissed at you for losing your soul like that. I wasn't satisfied.”

“It's not my fault.” Angel tried to tell her. “I love you.”

“Not enough to satisfy me like a Slayer needs apparently.” Buffy said.

“It was my first time in like sixty years. That has to count for something.” Angel sniffed.

“Are you going to start crying now?” Buffy asked him. “Cause that's so sexy.”

“What is wrong with you lately?” Angel asked her. “I don't remember you being this... bitchy.”

“I ran out of batteries.” Buffy told him. “I have needs that you can't fulfill and because of that, I'm starting to consider joining the pile over there.”

“He got to you.” Angel said in horror.

“It was nothing some broad spectrum antibiotics didn't cure.” Buffy assured Angel who recoiled from her touch. “The doctors told me the brain damage was minimal.”

“Neurosyphilis?” Angel asked her.

“Yep.” Buffy agreed. “Turns out Slayer healing took care of the other symptoms, but I'd had it for a while before I saw a doctor.”

“When?” Angel asked her.

“They think I had it for close to a year.” Buffy told him. “Probably when I had the flu in the hospital.”

“And you're not angry?” Angel demanded.

“Not really. I may also be prone to making bad decisions in the future if I'm left alone.” Buffy told him.

“That's horrible. You should hate him for that.” Angel told her.

Buffy shrugged. “Whatever.”
At school.....

“This is so wrong.” Xander said said as he stared at his SAT results.

“What?” Buffy asked him.

“I knew I was a silver tongued devil, but this is ridiculous.” Xander said as he showed her his test scores.

“780?” Buffy said in amazement. “That's great! The math is good too! How did you do so well?”

“I'm good with angles.” Xander told her, snatching his scores back from her hands. “Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go scope out some freshmen girls."

Buffy scowled at him. “You know, sometimes I wish I never came to Sunnydale.” Buffy said aloud.

“Done.” A voice said from behind the two teens.

Another plane of existence....

“What did she do!” A higher power screamed. “Get D'Hoffryn up here! He needs to see what his star pupil has wrought!”

“The tentacles, how did he even get those?” Another higher power screamed. “Those aren't part of his ancestry are they?”

“No, he got those grafted on after he found the gem of Amara.” Another power said as he scanned the time-line. “That shouldn't have happened either.”

“What is this? Why have you summoned me?” D'Hoffryn demanded as he appeared on the higher plane.

“This.” A power said as he gestured at the viewing screen.

“Anyanka cursed someone when that bloodline was involved? I'll have her amulet for this. A thousand years of service and she screws up because of being overzealous.” D'Hoffryn snarled. He paused as he took a better look at what had changed. “Still, impressive though isn't it?”

“As long as you're male.” A female higher power shivered.

“This will be corrected.” D'Hoffryn told them.

“See to it.” The female higher power said with a shudder. “The wave of change is coming. I don't want to see what damage he'll do to us.”

D'Hoffryn smirked as he vanished from sight. He would change things back all right, save for one little bit.

The Original Time-line....

Xander blinked as a wave of memories flooded his mind. “Interesting.” He said before turning to face the girl that had been the cause of it all.

Anyanka clutched her neck to find her pendant was missing. The smile on the boy's face in front of her said everything she needed to know. He knew and she fainted.

Xander caught the girl as she passed out.

“Is she okay?” Buffy asked him.

“I think she'll be all right. I'll take her to the school nurse.” Xander told Buffy. “Go on to class.”

Buffy stared at him for a moment before nodding and getting her books.

Xander stared at the unconscious former demon in his arms. “We're going to have fun, Aud. Now, how am I going to get tentacles? I'm not a vampire..... still.... that ring could come in handy with a certain vampire lady I know.”

He whistled as he carried the girl down the hallway. This was going to be fun.
The Local Magic Shoppe....

The clerk looked up as he heard a girlish scream come from the back alley. The door opened and the man could have sworn he smelt bacon.

“I need.... things.” the smoking figure said.

“What sort of things?” The clerk asked him.

“I need to curse someone. Make them forget something.” The figure told him. “Some blood if you've got any.”

“The butcher is two blocks down. I can get some if you have the cash.” The clerk offered.

“You're not human are you?” The smoking figure asked.

“Reanimated corpse. I had a long lease on this building and I'll be damned if I'm not going to see it through.” The clerk told him.

Spike chuckled as he tossed a wad of cash on the counter. “Will that do?”

“It most certainly will.” The clerk agreed.

After school....

“Why are we here?” Oz asked Willow as he parked his van.

“I just need to pick up some things.” Willow told her boyfriend. “I'll be quick.”

Oz nodded. “Have fun.” He said before putting a tape in his stereo system. Slow jazz filled the van.

Willow shuddered. “Where did you get that?”

“Borrowed it.” Oz told her. “It's nice.”

“I'll be back.” Willow said before practically running out of the vehicle.

“Hhn.” Oz grunted. He could have sworn he'd smelled a spike of arousal when he turned on the music. Maybe he could use that. He'd been patient with her, but he was getting antsy. It was that time of the month after all.
Xander's house....

“She's wired kind of tight isn't she?” Faith asked Xander as he turned a knob.

“I think she hasn't had any in a while.” Xander told her. “She's responsive enough though.”

Faith laughed. “You could say that. Think I'll need to set up an IV?”

“It couldn't hurt.” Xander told her. “You know, I had a funny dream today.”

“Oh?” Faith grinned. “About what?”

“I dreamed of tentacles.” Xander told her. “It was a fun dream.”

“I'll bet.” Faith said. “So where did this one come from?”

“She's an import of sorts.” Xander told her. “Practically gift wrapped.”

“Cool.” Faith nodded. “We still on for ice cream tonight?”

“You bet.” Xander agreed.

The Magic Shoppe.....

Spike looked up from his magazine at the redhead buying various items. An idea crossed his mind, but he dismissed it. He didn't need her to do a memory spell. All the components he needed were here already. He doubted she'd recognize him, he was still severely burned at the moment. He sipped his blood and wondered if the owner had any Weetabix.

Somewhere else in the world.....

Drusilla looked down at the book in hands. It held secrets. Secrets that had been taken from her. “Naughty Spike.” Drusilla said as she opened it. “Taking my kitten from me.”

She began to read and in doing so, gained an urge to travel back to the Hellmouth.


“Christmas means naughty elves and fun with stockings.” Faith said to Xander as they walked the rows of Christmas trees.

“Fun with ribbons, bondage... girls wrapped as gifts.... all that tape.” Xander agreed with a shiver. “Are you thinking what I'm thinking?”

“Probably.” Faith agreed. “There are some dead trees over there. I doubt anyone's going to buy those.”

“Here I thought you were an exhibitionist.” Xander grinned.

“Oh, I am.” Faith agreed. “Still, I'd rather not get arrested. Getting out of the jailhouse can be pretty tiring.”

Xander smirked. “Using your 'talents' to get out of the charges?”

“Why don't I just remind you how 'talented' I am.” Faith said as she reached for his belt buckle.

The two would be interrupted before they could get too serious as they crashed through a shaft, interrupting a bunch of robed guys chanting something.

A quick struggle later, both teens were panting.

“Where were we?” Faith asked Xander.

“I think you know.” Xander grinned. “Let's finish this up, we still need to get a tree.”

“Why? We've already got wood.” Faith countered. “Giggity.”

Giggity indeed.


The End?

You have reached the end of "Son of Quagmire" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 15 Feb 10.

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