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Son of Quagmire

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Summary: The YAHF/Xander's real family fic that goes somewhere very wrong.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Cartoons > Family GuyCrazyDanFR1848,50557121,15822 Nov 0715 Feb 10No

Chapter One

Son of Quagmire/ A YAHF/Xander's real family entry.
Crossover: Family Guy.
Note: Neither BTVS or Family guy are my intellectual property. I'm just borrowing them. This idea has been bugging me because of Quagmire's ability to get into odd situations and score with both two's and ten's in the same episode. Plus he wears those Hawaiian shirts so well.

Second Note: As with all things Quagmire, this story will involve implied rape, use of drugs to commit rape, necrophilia, incest and various other levels of sexual depravity. But I'll limit the language and keep it a F18 rating.

With that said, on with the story......

Son of Quagmire, Starting point Season two Episode 6, Halloween.
Xander was digging around in his parents basement under the pretense of cleaning it out. In actuality he was scrounging around for something to wear for Halloween. Money was going to be an issue this year so he needed to go on the cheap. Again.

While digging around he found something that would change his life as well as the lives of all that he would encounter from then on.

“Huh.” Xander said as he held up the uniform. “I thought dad was in the army, not the Navy. Ah well it looks like it'll fit. But where's the hat?” He wondered as he looked around the basement some more.
“Dammit. Guess I'll have to check the military surplus store.” He took the uniform up to his room and made his way to school. He'd have to stop and look for a hat afterwards.

That afternoon....

Xander frowned as he walked into Ethan's a few minutes behind Willow and Buffy. For some reason the surplus store was closed today. He needed a had to complete the costume, the shoe he found were actually the right size so that wouldn't be a problem. But the hat was key.

“Can I help you?” came an accented voice from right next to him.

Xander jumped. “Gah!!.... don't do that! But yes, you can help me... I've got the uniform of a Navy seaman. Thing is, I need a hat to complete it. And wouldn't you know the surplus store is closed today.”

Ethan nodded. “Let me see what I can find.” he said in a helpful tone.

That night.....

Glenn Quagmire looked around in wonder. He found that he was in a strange place wearing his old navy uniform. He took of his hat and scratched his head. “Huh... this is a weird hallucination. I hope Pedro didn't freak out and took the bag off my head this time.”

He saw a little red faced demon run around laughing maniacally. Quagmire shrugged. “I've had weirder experiences might as well make the best of it.”

He wandered around aimlessly for a bit, completely missing any and all rendezvous he would have had with Ghost Willow. Corporeal Willow was a different story.

“Woah.” Quagmire said as he tripped over a pair of legs. He stood up and looked down. “Heh, nice gams. Love those boots too. Let's see who they belong too.” He lifted the sheet off the body and found an unconscious redheaded teenager dressed just like he liked them. He tried to rouse the girl but with no success.

“Seems like she's not waking up.” He said before looking around to see if the coast was clear. “All right.”

Later that night.
“Miss... wake up!” Quagmire said as he tried to rouse the brunette in a noble woman's outfit. He'd just decked a pirate and the woman had passed out moments before running into traffic. He looked left and right and saw the street was a little more crowded than he wanted. He shrugged and got the girl in a Fireman's carry and brought her somewhere secluded. “Man, what a night! OH!” he said.

In the upper realms....

“This was not in any of my scenarios Brother.” One oracle said to her twin.

“Not in mine either Sister. That bloodline on the Hellmouth? We cannot interfere now that it has awoken. The scenarios are lost for the foreseeable future.”

“What are we to do?” The female Oracle asked. She for one wasn't getting within a thousand feet of...that.

“Hope he dies an early death.” the other Oracle said with a sigh.


The Next Morning......

Xander cracked an eye open and grinned at the sight around him. He was sandwiched between a brunette and a blond. He almost shouted for joy at the realization that it was Cordelia and Harmony... That was before the panic set in.

With practiced ease that was not his own, Xander managed to snake his way between the two women, after what they'd done last night they couldn't be considered girls any longer. He gathered his clothes and was about to sneak out the window, but he noticed how much he stunk from the activities of last night.

“Right, first a shower.” he muttered.

He made his way out of the bedroom and headed down towards where he remembered the bathroom to be.

“Ahhh” came a muffled girlish scream as he closed the door to the bathroom.

“Morning Aura, say how about you wash my back, I wash your front?” He said with a grin that turned into a leer.
Lie to me: S2. E7
Xander sighed as he listened to Buffy drone on about how Angel was talking to some woman in the park. Honestly the guy was old of course he'd know people. Probably turned more than a few in his day as well. Did she ever stop talking? Sure she had a pretty mouth but still.


Xander found himself consoling the female survivors of the Sunset Club, he'd seen that Drusilla girl and she'd been one heck of looker even with the crazy...but he'd settle for these.

“Ladies, come on. There are other ways of achieving immortality you know...” He said as he caressed two girls backs while muttering a low 'Giggity'.
The Dark Age: S2 E8

Xander looked at Giles, “You have no right to judge me on what I do Giles. Sure I'm a perverted bastard who'll use women, but that's what people do. Normal people I've never considered ever summoning a demon to use in an orgy. And seeing how things have gone years down the line for you, it seems like a pretty bad idea. So no, I'll not keep it in my pants. I have a gift Giles, an awesome, perverted gift and by giggity I'm going to use it.” He said with conviction after all the revelations of Eyeghon and it's lasting repercussions were done. “Now if you'll excuse me, there's a very distraught computer teacher than I need to talk to.”

Xander turned on his heel and sauntered out of the Library.
What's my line again S2 E9-10

After the bugs had been glued squished and stomped Xander eyed the basement in the Summers home and grinned at Cordelia. “Say Cordy, you ever do it on top of a washer while it was on the spin cycle?”

Cordelia grinned at the idea. She'd been itching for another go since Halloween. Sure he was a filthy pervert, but he had this irresistable charm too. “Alright, just this one time.” She said.

“Giggity. Heh he.”
“Two Slayers, I like the odds of that” Xander said with a bob of his head before Cordelia smacked the back of it.
Kendra found herself alone with the strange American boy.

“Say, Kendra are you Jamaican?” he asked her.

“Yes, why?” she replied.

“Because you're Jamaican me horny. Oh!” he said with a grin.

Kendra blushed.
At the Career fair:

Xander sauntered over to the police booth.
He wiggled his eyebrows at the blonde policewoman.
“Hey, there pretty lady. How about you, me and those handcuffs go somewhere more... cozy.”

The woman turned to face him and pulled her gun.

“I like where this is going” Xander said with a grin.

Once the gun was fired though, his prospects with the woman went a little south.
When all was said and done they had all survived the encounter with the order of Teraka and the ritual Spike had done for Drusilla. Though just barely on Angel's part.

As they were exiting the church Xander fell into step with Kendra. “So how much time have you got before your flight?” he asked the shy Slayer.

“A few hours.” she said, feeling a little strange at being so close to a boy, especially one this forward.

“Well, I can think of a few things we can do until then if you're up for it. Oh!”
Ted, S2 Ep11

So, Ted was a big bad woman killing robot. Big deal. He also had a neat drug delivery system and a convent house that was already paid for. Where people saw a place of horror and death, Xander saw an opportunity to learn and grow. The place already had some of the working of a decent bachelor pad, secret spaces and the whatnot. It was time for him to spread his wings a bit anyways. While he was at it, he kept Ted's drug cocktails and began to study what it took to make a robot and program one. He had a feeling it would come in handy later. He always was one to expand his horizons.
Bad Eggs... Ep 12

“Wow, I've never seen the girls of this school so sluggish and so open to suggestion.” Xander said before he cracked open his hardboiled egg. He was about to eat it before Willow pointed at what was inside of it.

“Oh.... ewww. I've eaten some disgusting things in my time but no...” Xander said as he shuddered.
Surprise Ep 13

Xander frowned. “Why couldn't someone get me an arm that chokes you for my birthday?” he said aloud before the others looked at him.

“What? It would be useful for.. holding things.” he said defensively.
Innocence Ep 14

“Come on, Willow I'm like the town bicycle.” Xander said to the crying redhead. She'd been crying since she'd seen him and Cordelia doing, well pretty much everything in the stacks. “Everyone wants a ride.”

It didn't help.

“You want me to drag my sack across your face?” He asked her.

“Huh?” Willow said.

“Just back off Fang face.” Xander said as Willow got behind him.
“How did you know?” Angelus asked.
“I didn't, though now that I think about it, the leather pants might have been a clue.” Xander said with a shrug.

“Xander, I'm afraid to ask how you know to make such a powerful improvisational explosive.” Giles said to Xander as they stared at the scattered... bits of the Judge while getting doused by the mall's sprinkler system.

Xander grinned. “What can I say Giles? I like going out with a BANG!! OH!”
Phases Ep 15

Xander and Cordelia were in the backseat of her father's car when there was a heavy growl from the outside.

Cordelia stopped what she was doing. “Was that you?” she asked him

“Depends, did you like it?” Xander asked her.

“So it wasn't you.” She got off of him and into the driver's seat.

“Aww baby, come on...” Xander said right before a furry clawed arm ripped into the roof of the convertible.

“Right, let's go then. I didn't expect any furries to be around here.”


“Just...just go.”

“I guess it was a werewolf Giles. It was a close call to be honest. I'm glad Cordy and I are safe though. She has enough monthly problems for the both of us as it is.”

“Hey!” Cordelia said.

Xander shrugged while Giles nodded knowingly.

Later again....
“Hey Larry... you know what nevermind. No matter how I phrase this, it's gonna sound kinda gay.” Xander said.

Larry looked surprised. “How did you know Xander?”

Xander shuddered.

Still later....

“So, Oz is a werewolf and the hunter is gone. I still have a question though.” Xander said to Giles.

Giles pinched the bridge of his nose. “What is it Xander?”

“Can I keep the nets?” the boy asked.

Bewtiched, Bothered, and Bewildered

“Think she can just dump me because I slept with all of her friends? I think I can show her a thing or two she hasn't seen yet.” Xander muttered before literally bumping into Amy Madison.

“Xander, Sorry.” Amy said.

“No, no it was my fault. Say Amy, could you do me a favor?” Xander asked her with a suggestive grin.

“What's the favor?” she asked.

“Couple of things actually some fun stuff between the two of us and maybe some spell work. Whaddya say?” He said with a grin.
A couple of hours later....

“Okay Xander focus. Every female that sees you falls in love with you. Not good love but crazy psycho chain you to the wall so you won't get away from me love. You need a plan.” he said to himself before taking a couple of deep breaths.

“Right, I can and will turn this to my total advantage. I just need to use my full array of evasion and stealth tactics. Rooftops, cloak and dagger stuff. I need to get to the vets office and the hardware store as well.” Xander said to himself before sneaking through the ventilation of the high school.
Five days, six hours and seventeen minutes later....

“Great googly moogly I'm thirsty.” Xander said as he stopped what he was doing.

What he was doing moaned in disappointment of him stopping.

“Not to worry babe. I'll be back with you in a minute. I know the spells been over for a few days, but you and me, we're gonna have fun.” He said while patting her exposed backside.

Drusilla would have purred if she didn't have a ball gag in her mouth. This kitten had teeth, crooked kinky teeth. She wouldn't turn him if given the chance. He'd get less creative if he were dead. That much she knew.

Xander grinned. Now he just needed to get another five gallon bucket of pigs blood, he wanted a full week out of her before releasing her back into the wild.
Passion S2 Ep 17:

Xander grinned as he held the camera steady. It had taken him a little while and some cash to get this recalled item but it was totally worth it.

“What are you doing?” Came a voice from next to him.

“This camera has a night vision mode, but it's defective. It makes it look like people are naked.” Xander said before recognizing the voice. Slowly he turned his head. To the right of him was Angelus, on the same branch of the same tree he was. The one that was directly in front of Buffy's window.

Xander had a look of shock and horror on his face before pointing past Angelus and screaming “Oh my god! What the hell is that?”

Surprisingly Angelus actually turned to see what the teen was so afraid of and when he turned back, Xander was gone. All that was in his place was a wobbling golden figurine of.... Xander.

Angelus looked all around and found no trace of the boy. He was about to go into Buffy's home, but his jacket brushed the little figurine and vibrant purple gas issued out of it. Angelus fell out of the tree coughing.

A couple of houses away in a fairly comfortable bush, Xander turned on his tape recorder. “Note to self, increase the potency of the Crazy Purple knockout gas when dealing with vampires.... also look into having the water part of it blessed to ensure better...absorption into the bodies of the vamps. Giggity giggity. Giggity goo.”

“Xander, why exactly are you here?” Jenny Calendar asked the young teen.

“Come on,a young and smoking hot schoolteacher and a dangerously sexy student alone in a school after hours? How can I not be?” He said while batting his eyelashes.

Jenny laughed and some of her nervousness passed. She distinctly remembered how gentle he'd been during the whole love spell episode, though not how she'd gotten where she did or anything directly after....strange.

There was a noise. Both turned and saw Angelus at the back of the class room.

Xander turned to Jenny. “Run. I'll hold him off.”

“How?” Jenny asked.

Xander pulled several condoms filled with what looked like water from somewhere. “The only way I know how.” He said with a grin.

“Dru, where are you?” Spike asked as he wheeled around the mansion.
He made it to their bedroom and found a note on their bed.

“The Zoo?” Spike screamed aloud. “Dru you promised!” he said cursing that Harris kid. He'd just gotten Dru back, and she was more twisted than ever now. Sure she was sexier than ever but...he was just too traditional these days.

“What exactly brought this on?” Giles asked Jenny as he readjusted his glasses.

Jenny blew got some hair out of her face. “Let's just say I was inspired.” She said with a saucy grin.
Killed by Death. S 2 Ep 18:

“So why exactly are we out here in the cemetery when you've got the Flu Buffy?” Xander asked her as he casually walked beside the Slayer, hands in his pockets.

“We need to stop Angel, Xander. That's why.” She said before having a coughing fit.

Xander almost flinched. Mucus and the whole puffy glands thing wasn't appealing, besides she wasn't even dressed for it anyways.

Just then Angelus appeared and managed to knock Buffy out quite easily. Just as the vampire was about to gloat Xander shoved a plastic bag over the vampires head. The vampire stumbled a bit before falling over, smashing head first into a headstone.

“Hey Buffy, I got him! It only took my whole supply of....” Xander trailed off as he looked at the injured and very sick Slayer. “Crap.” He stared at the two bodies on the ground and made a judgment call.

Later at the hospital....

“You're just mad that I got there first.” Angelus said to Xander.

Xander shrugged. “Not like I've never had seconds or thirds before. Besides don't you have to be going somewhere?”

“Like where Harris?” Angelus snarled at the boy.

“Well, anywhere really. I just had some good brownies but I'm freaking out a little. Just tell me I don't have to stay in this room.” Xander rambled.

Angelus couldn't sense any fear coming from this very insane person in front of him. In the past few days he'd been gassed, coated in holy water had dosed with whatever the hell had been in that plastic bag. He'd barely made it home before sunup. Finally deciding that he could wait to turn Buffy, Angelus backed away from the man in the Hawaiian shirt, even as he was pulling something from his back pocket.

Xander shrugged as Angelus left. He turned to the creepy looking figure that was in black that was out in the hallway. “You want some PEZ?” Xander asked him.

Der Kinderstod froze. He slowly turned to the man and said, “No thanks. I don't want to spoil my appetite.”

Xander shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He said before popping one from his Wonder Woman Pez Dispenser.


“You mean that thing in the hallway is real?” Xander asked Buffy.

“You saw it?” Buffy asked him confused.

“Yeah, like eight times, why?” Xander said, sharing in the confusion.

“You'd have to be really sick to see him.” Buffy said frowning.

“Must be something I picked up.” he said before making a mental note. 'better get that shot after all.'
I Only Have Eyes For You. S 2 Ep 19:

“So there' this ghost of a female teacher who had her way with a student somewhere around this school?” Xander asked Giles.

“Yes, though it doesn't look good, these manifestations seem to be getting stronger.” Giles said worriedly.

“What did this teacher look like?” Xander asked Giles.

They found a yearbook.

“I got this one. Well with some planning I got it.” Xander said to Giles.

Later. “Thank God for Kevlar.” Xander said as he took the all too real bullets for the ghostly teacher.

“I'm... not shot.” said the ghost of Ms. Newman.

“Not this time pretty lady.” Xander said with a grin.

Poor, poor ghost boy, shooting himself again in the music room. Ms Newman finally knew what it meant to be alive, so she moved on to being dead.

Go Fish, S 2, Ep 20.

“Swim Team?” Xander said to himself as Mr. Giles told him of the latest happenings. “I guess I could use some more speedos, besides when you got it...”

All he ended up with out of the mess is consoling two very distraught women whose boyfriends had turned into creatures from the black lagoon, six pair of speedos and an increased lung capacity out of the deal. All in all, not a bad week's work.

Becoming.... conclusion.

Kendra was dead, and the authorities had already taken her body. Spike had skipped town and taken Drusilla with him. Buffy was missing and Willow was dating Oz. Xander was looking at a very boring summer unless he could find something to entertain him.

He suddenly shot up at a moment of revelation. He left his current residence and sauntered over to Revello Drive, picking up some flowers along the way. “Why not,” He said to himself. “Joyce could use some comfort.” he said, instantly justifying his own... soon to be actions.

End of Season 2, the others will follow sporadically.
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