Summary: Finale—finally! SG-1 meets their dread opponent.
Author’s Notes: This whole story started off as a one-shot. Then I started getting all the positive feedback that bred plot bunnies. This chapter was planned as part 3, then bumped to part 5, and now finally it’s here 8 (short) parts later. Thanks go out to all the people that provided plot bunnies, caught my typos, and pointed out factual errors. All y’all rock!
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all associated characters are property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, United Paramount Network, and Fox Television. Stargate: SG-1 is owned by Jonathan Glassner, Brad Wright, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corporation. This work is not for profit, and no ownership of aforementioned copyrighted material implied, nor any infringement intended.
* * *
Four individuals stood on the porch of the plain, if well kept, house. In the mid-morning sunlight the place had an air of stereotypical suburbia. A dark blue sedan with government plates was parked on the street in front of the sign that read, ‘Kendra Young Home for Girls.’ Jack opened the screen and rapped firmly on the door.
The team listened as a female with a smoky voice loudly finished a story while moving to answer the door. “So I tell the fuckin’ vamp, ‘make like Peter Pan,’ and he did! Can you believe that shit?” The door was opened by a voluptuous brunette. “Yeah,” she asked, before reassessing the team. “I mean, how may I help you?”
“My name’s Jack O’Neill, I’m with the U.S. Air Force. Is there a Mr. Wells here?”
“One moment,” the woman gave a smile that didn’t reach her eyes and firmly shut the door in the faces of the team. Again they listened through the door. “Yo, Andy! The military’s here to arrest you.”
“Eeek!” A faint crash could be heard, presumably a dish in the kitchen.
The door opened again a minute later, and a slight woman with red hair faced the team. She gave the group a cursory examination before settling on Teal’c with a piercing glare. “And you are?”
“Murray,” Teal’c answered, finding it surprisingly difficult to meet the young woman’s gaze.
“Murray?” The tone was one of disbelief with a hint of anger.
“Indeed,” he replied.
The redhead glanced over her shoulder into the house. “I don’t think the big guy is entirely human.”
“Hey,” Jack interrupted, “T--Murray’s human!”
“Well, not from this planet, then,” the woman amended.
“Sir!” Sam hissed.
“Not now, Carter.”
The slight woman resumed her inquisition. “And you guys don’t work for the Initiative? Because the military and not-quite humans just screams ‘secret government project.’ And we’re NOT down with that around here.”
Daniel looked thoughtful while Sam stage whispered, “Sir!”
“Later, Carter.” Jack struggled to maintain a grip on his ‘nice guy’ persona. “Miss...”
“Rosenberg,” came the frosty reply.
“Miss Rosenberg, I can neither confirm nor deny--” Jack stopped as the absurdity of the situation struck him. “Look, can we please come in and discuss this somewhere other than your porch?” He was relieved when the young woman stepped inside and left the door ajar, despite the lack of verbal invitation.
* * *
There was a firm rap at Andrew’s door. He twitched and called out, “Willow, are they gone yet?”
“Andy, it’s Faith. Willow said it was okay for you to talk to them.”
“But you said they were here to ARREST me!”
“Sorry, my bad. C’mon out.”
“I’m not sure I feel like talking to the military today.” Andrew hunched as he anticipated Faith breaking open his locked door. Again.
*You’d better come out and be nice, buster!* Andrew flinched as Willow spoke directly to his mind.
“Coming,” Andrew said, and scurried to unlock his door.
* * *
“Mr. Wells, we would like to talk to you about some emails you have been sending,” Jack began in a no-nonsense tone.
Andrew glanced around the room, checking for exits and improvised weapons as Dawn had taught him the previous summer. He fought the urge to shift in his seat, as knew Willow and Faith were in the kitchen surreptitiously listening to everything that happened.
“We were wondering where you got your information,” asked the blonde whose nametag read ‘Carter.’
Andrew straightened up, happy to have a chance to speak about himself. “Well, I surf and chat quite a bit. My wit and acumen are cherished on some forums, I’ll have you know.”
‘Forums?’ Jack mouthed to Sam.
‘Internet,’ Sam mouthed back.
“It’s just a matter of sifting through the background material,” Andrew continued. “You know, the truth is out there.”
Jack stifled a groan while Daniel tried very hard not to smile.
Andrew put on what he called his ‘earnest face.’ “Look, all that stuff is out there, you can find it lots of places. I just put together the most important pieces and pass it along to the peoples of the world. They have a right to know, you know.”
Sam winced at the sound of Jack grinding his teeth. Before he could say something everyone would regret, Sam said, “What Jack means is that we’d like you to be...less inflammatory.”
Andrew looked thoughtful. “Who’s 'we?'”
Jack spoke up, under control again. “We are here on behalf of the United States government. Major Carter and I are in the Air Force while Murray and Dr. Jackson are under contract.”
Andrew looked around at the SG-1 members as if seeing them for the first time. “Holy crap! You’re really you!”
Teal’c quirked an eyebrow.
“I mean, you’re really them,” Andrew continued, “the intrepid explorers on Wormhole X-Treme!
“No way,” Jack said at the precise moment Sam had a coughing fit and Daniel fixated on a worn spot on the floor. Teal’c said nothing but sat very, very still.
Andrew began to hyperventilate as he started speaking at a noticeable higher pitch. “They won’t let you take me, you know. Willow and Faith will die before they let you take me to your secret underground base for torture and interrogation.”
“Oh, for crying out loud,” Jack complained. “Carter, tell him we will do no such thing.”
“Mr.Wells...Andrew...we are not here to abduct you or torture you.”
Andrew focused on Sam when she began to speak in a soothing tone. He took a deep breath and spoke at a pitch only slightly lower than his previous near-hysteria. “You know, you’re much better looking than that actress, Yolanda Reese, they got to play Major Stacy Monroe. You’re really a major?”
“Um, ah...that is...Daniel?” Sam was momentarily unable to speak a complete sentence. Jack thought the shade of pink she turned was particularly fetching.
Daniel cleared his throat before starting. “What Major Carter means is that we’re here to reach an agreement with you.”
“Oh, oh!” Andrew literally bounced in his seat. “Could you guys sign my cast picture from Wormhole X-Treme?”
Teal’c’s eyebrow threatened to crawl off his forehead.
“Sir!” Carter sounded scandalized.
“What my repetitive subordinate means is that we’d be happy to sign it--” Jack said.
“Xander’s gonna be SO jealous!”
“--on one condition,” Jack finished.
“I know, I know. I can’t send out any more sciency factoids.” Andrew looked unhappy until he thought of the picture again. “This is so cool. I’ll have the complete signatures from both the television cast and the real travelers of the interstellar void. You guys are the GREATEST!”
SG-1 remained seated as Andrew ran from the room to fetch his cherished picture. “Are you sure this is wise,” asked Teal’c.
“Of course it’s not wise,” Sam hissed.
Jack gave an exaggerated head point towards the kitchen and eavesdropping women therein. “I don’t see the downside. We both get what we want...”
“And we have some leverage in case he starts up again,” finished Daniel.
Sam looked puzzled for a moment, and then smiled. “We can always declare his autographed picture a risk to national security.”
“I believe that is a great deal of leverage,” said Teal’c.
Andrew returned with his treasure. He tenderly removed the picture from its frame and uncapped a pen for the team members to use. He judged the looks on their faces with care before asking, “So, do you guys think you can get me a trip through the wormhole?”
“Andrew Thaddeus Wells,” Willow shouted from the kitchen, giving up all pretense of not listening in through the open doorway.
“Just kidding,” Andrew said, sighing in disappointment.
* * *
The team filed out of the front door after the autograph session. Jack had to restrain himself from wiping his hand on his pants because Andrew loved to shake hands with celebrities and sweated profusely when excited.
Teal’c was the last off the porch. He paused halfway to the street and turned back to face the star-struck Andrew. Teal’c raised his hand in the Vulcan salute. “Live long and prosper, Andrewwells.”
Andrew stood on the porch, picture in hand and mouth agape, as SG-1 got into the car and drove off down the street.
* * *
These links will help you keep up to date on other factoids:These “facts” are the ones to watch out for!