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Dick in a Box

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Summary: Kennedy has a special Hanukkah box for Willow…

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Saturday Night Live(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR1811,5391173,2066 Dec 076 Dec 07Yes
Title: Dick in a Box
Author: JoeHundredaire (
Rating: R/FR18.
Pairings: Willow Rosenberg/Kennedy
Disclaimer: Someone who's not me (but may be Joss Whedon) owns Buffy. Not mine. Neither is Saturday Night Live…
Summary: Kennedy has a special Hanukkah box for Willow…
Joe's Note: Okay, I'm officially a sick fuck. Someone take away my rum. This one goes out to all you writers who kill off or randomly disappear "gay now" Willow's lesbian lovers because they're inconvenient for your retarded and fluffy plot. You want Willow to have some dick? Here ya go, folks!

     "You're actually going through with this. I can't believe it. Remind me to get the hell out of the house on the fourth so I'm not here to hear her shouting the house down."

     Charisse Kennedy looked up from where she was putting the final touches on the wrapping job before flipping Dawn Summers off. "Oh come on, Willow's been complaining about how we're not spontaneous anymore. And I'm totally blanking on what to get her for Hanukkah. I kill two birds with one stone this way. I'm a genius."

     Shaking her head, Dawn leaned back on the bed and watched as Kennedy carefully cut a hole in the side of the box, using tape to resecure the wrapping paper and ribbon so nothing appeared amiss. "Uh huh. Kennedy, I'm engaged to a God-King who walked the earth before humanity learned to make fire. If I can buy HER a Christmas present that I think she'll like, you can manage something for a twenty-four year old witch-slash-Jew who also happens to love computers and dead languages."

     "Yeah, well, Illyria's entertained by anything us 'muck' come up with. She'd be amused by almost anything you gave her, at least until it fails to 'obey' her and she destroys it. And if all else failed, you could always give her a sword or something else good for killing things." Kennedy lifted the lid off the box, flipping it over to make sure the bow stayed in place before smiling. Step one was complete: cut a hole in a box. Now she just needed to find the amulet Willow had created for her all those months ago…

     Dawn shook her head and slid off the bed, heading for the door. "Well, good luck with that. I'm… going to run away in fear now."

     Slipping the amulet over her head, Kennedy pulled out on the neckline of her shirt until the pendant dropped out of sight and settled against her breasts. She stood still for a moment, wondering if it was even still charged and usable, when she felt a warmth in her crotch. A strange tingling spread through her groin and then a whole host of sensations that were completely foreign to her.

     Kennedy unzipped her pants and blinked at the sight. Well. It looked like she was good to go for step two…

     A cough from the corner of the room made Willow Rosenberg look up from her laptop. Kennedy was standing in the doorway that connected their room to the one luxury Willow had insisted on when coming back to England to stay with Giles and work with a house full of Slayers: a private bathroom. The brunette seemed to be blushing faintly and was holding a wrapped box in front of herself. Aww, Snoopy wrapping paper! "Honey?"

     Kennedy gave her an uncertain smile before straightening up a bit and looking more confident. "Can you log off for a bit? I wanted to give you your Hanukkah present."

     "Oh! Yay!" She loved presents! Closing her laptop, Willow rolled across the bed and put it on the nightstand before crawling down to the end of the bed and clapping her hands. "Okay. Gimme!"

     Laughing, Kennedy shuffled closer to the bed. "Someone's in the holiday spirit."

     Warning bells started going off in Willow's head from her girlfriend's strange gait and the way she very carefully held the box in the same position as she moved. Was it alive? Fragile? Potentially dangerous? "You know I love the holidays. Even the Christmas stuff, like A Charlie Brown Christmas. I'm just proud you remembered which over-commercialized holiday to do your gift giving on this year."

     Kennedy blushed a bit darker at the remember of their first winter's Christmas fiasco before stopping at the edge of the bed. "Well, I remembered the right holiday this year. And I really think you're going to like your present…"

     "Oooh, I hope so. Although I'm not sure anything can beat the rare demon books you got me last year." Willow leaned forward and tried to take the box, but Kennedy shook her head. The warning bells started to get louder as Willow mimed taking the lid off and Kennedy nodded in approval. Taking a deep breath, Willow lifted the lid off the box… and gasped at what was inside. "Kennedy?" Willow looked up with wide green eyes before glancing back down at the contents of the box. "What? How?" Reaching into the box hesitantly, she slowly ran her hand over what was inside. "Is this what I think it is?"

     Kennedy bit her lip and moaned as Willow ran her fingers over her. "Well, you told me that we weren't spontaneous anymore. So I figured… you gave me the amulet but we never used it because I wasn't really big on dicks. But then I decided that hey, as long as it wasn't going in ME… why not?" Willow continued to stare at it. "Surprise?"

     Sliding off the edge of the bed, Willow dropped to her knees and took the box from Kennedy, sliding it off and tossing it across the room. She looked up at her girlfriend and gave her a wide grin. "This is the best Hanukkah present ever!"

     Then she opened her mouth and… well… it's not polite to talk with your mouth full…


     "You seem distracted, Oriens. Why do you keep looking at the ceiling?"

     Dawn shook herself and looked over at Illyria, smiling at the odd pet name her fiancé had adopted for her. Her own name in Latin… not entirely creative, but the linguistic geek in her appreciated it anyways. "Sorry. Just wondering how Kennedy's gift-giving is going up there."

     Tilting her head to the side, Illyria concentrated for a moment. "I hear grunting and rhythmic slapping of flesh against flesh. They are copulating." She looked at Dawn and blinked before adopting what Dawn knew as her confused face. "Was the gift some sort of sexual aid? I thought you said giving such a thing was inappropriate."

     "No, sweetie, it's inappropriate to give them to other people. Like when you gave Faith a vibrator last year because you were tired of her complaining about being single." Dawn still giggled whenever she remembered the look on Faith's face upon opening the particular present. "I can't believe it, though. Willow liked her present. I thought for sure she'd be mad at Kennedy for trying that…"

     That made Illyria again look confused. "Willow has privately lamented to me that her copulation with Kennedy lacks 'spontaneity'. Why would she not be happy about something that helps correct that problem?"

     Dawn bit her lip, not entirely sure she wanted to go down this particular rode. But… in for a penny, in for a pound and all that. "It's not THAT she did it, it's HOW she did it." Leaning forward, she picked up her laptop and settled it on her thighs. Illyria took that as a cue to move closer as Dawn navigated through her hard drive in search of a particular file. Finally, she found it and opened the video…

     "…for all the fellas out there with ladies to impress, it's easy to do, just follow these steps. One: cut a hole in a box. Two: put your junk in that box. Three: make her open the box. And that's the way you do it." Dawn giggled, just like she always did, at the sight of Justin Timberlake with a red box stuck to his pelvis. "It's my dick in a box! My dick in a box, girl… it's my dick in a box!" She hit pause, and waited for a reaction.

     Illyria looked from the screen to Dawn and back before letting out what sounded suspiciously close to a snicker. "Kennedy found a way to give herself real male genitalia instead of the artificial recreations she and Willow normally use?" Dawn nodded and Illyria looked back up at her. "Interesting…"

     Her tone of voice made Dawn shiver. With the exception of her angry and commanding voices, Illyria's emotions were hard for most people to pick up on. But after two years, Dawn was damn good at interpreting the subtly different tones and facial expressions. And the last time she'd heard THIS one was right before Faith and Illyria wandered off for a three hour discussion following the dark-haired Slayer's quip about how 'whips and chains excite me'.

     She hadn't been able to sit straight for a week.

     "Illyria?" The Old One had risen from the couch and was headed for the stairs. "Where are you going?"

     Illyria didn't even pause, merely turning her head slightly to the side as she walked. "I shall return shortly, Oriens. I simply wish to… ponder an additional Christmas present for you."

     Dawn was scared.

The End

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