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This Shadow

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Summary: Spike has found that forever is a long time to be in the dark.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Dark > Spike-Centered(Past Donor)lucidityFR1321,211151,41416 Dec 0720 Jan 08Yes

What I Want

Here in earth's shadow, thinking of the time that's past, I wait for the sun to give in to my argument. I climbed this mountain to ask in ways no evil creature should, for a glimpse of the sun.

I can climb mountains without tiring and swim lakes without breath. I fear no disease and no man. But all this strength doesn't compensate for what I lack. No one'll look my way, knowing all I am and have been, and offer a bit of smile.

I can kill. I can take. I can devour. But there are no free gifts for the old and dead. I hide from the daylight's poison 'cause I fear my final death. I am caged in this shadow and don't dare to be free.

My mind shifts. I climbed this mountain for a reason. There is something here for me to prove. I have to get my point across to the one who holds me here in the shadows. Something about my rights. Something about my needs.

I am not righteous, and I don't deserve peace. But there is only so much darkness I can take. So I try to convince the sun to shine on me without turning me to dust. Promises and bribes. Even penance.

The sun never answers. Maybe it doesn't hear. I can shout out to the moon, but it doesn't really care. The moon follows my path in shadow, a lazy, sometimes friend. But it can go on occasion, and leave the shadow of the earth. It can spin out to see the bright. Brother of night, reflections of day, Keeper of whispers. While I sit here in the shadow of the earth.

Forever in the shadow of the earth.

I am a Master. A Master of the night. There are few that can trouble me. I am old and strong and smart. But the whispers in my head say all I am is dead. I don't cry, but I don't laugh. Sometimes I sing too loud, to silence the silence.

There are moments, sure, when I think all the world is mine. I howl and cackle at the thought of claiming each place, each time, for my own. I drink the life of beasts: some human, some not, but never of the Pure. Never the Bright. After all the pain and death and railroad spikes in my long past, I have tried to change sides.

But I am trapped here, anyway. Slave to the whim of the sun and it's lonely in the dark. It's so cold. I'm just the Barren Dead. I'm just a shadow of a broken man laid in a pitch black box. The box is broken, too.

What should I know of peace, of hope, of warmth and souls? I'm evil, I am. So evil that even I hate the thoughts that run through my head - the constant need to destroy pretty things. The Powers offer no rights to killers, whether they have a soul, or a black empty hole where a spark should live.

Still, there's memory in this Void. Memories of daylight shining on the dusty roads of London, making each spec glow. Of light reflected off ringing church bells and the scent of Mother's Sunday-clean hair. Lace covered hands tilting a parasol to reveal a pale face that smiled at me with love.

And memories of dark days made brighter by humans I had no right to know so well as to mourn their passing. They, that lived with me in earth's shadow, have long ago come to their mortal ends.

They had rights. They had the right to live in the light, though they spent some time with me here in the shadows. They also had the right to have some greater Might choose the day they died.

I miss the fear of death that came with each Winter like I miss the moist, sunny days that signaled the coming of Spring. S'why I fight so hard. But I can't beat the dark. So I argue with the sun. I try to explain to a blast of fire I haven't seen in centuries that its cruel and unusual to keep me in this shadow. As if I never really left that box.

Maybe I never did.

I should hide soon. I'm on a mountain peak no unaided man could reach. I bet the view is spectacular in the sunlight. But I should find a shadow, find a darker place. Hide in a cave or dig a deep hole in the snow. If I stay here, I'll die for good. I'm immortal as long as I'm smart. As long as I stay in the shadows. I could live forever in the dark.


It's all useless. So maybe I'll just wait here until the shadows all slide away with the constant passing of time. Let the sun wander up here to meet me.

I could try to talk to the sun face to face. I could try. Maybe I'm forgiven already and need no longer hide. Yeah, maybe the Big Bad can stop cowering in fear. I'll just stay a while longer, a Shadow sitting in the waning shadow of the earth.

I'll just wait here until the sun sees my side.


A/N: Thanks for reading! Please review - I'd love to know what you think!

The End

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