Every child of Primus knows the legend. When the universe was born, a being simply called the One sent two of his offspring, Primus and Unicron to explore it. However, the two godlings had a falling out. While Primus was obedient to the One, Unicron grew greedy and sought to devour all. Horrified by this, Primus became the universe’s defender and sought to stymie Unicron’s evil design. Thus the conflict began.
Of course, this is the story after many retellings, and the story itself most probably related by Primus to his first children. So some of the more skeptical listeners may point out that not only has the story mutated in the retelling, the original story itself may have been somewhat biased.A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
In the depths of interstellar space cruised two globular objects that could be mistaken for moons or even small planets. One was colored gold and silver, possessing an encircling ring and a set of truly impressive mandibles. The other was a duller grey color with hints of gold, but lacked the gaudy ornamentation the first had,
“This universe,” Primus began with grim faced seriousness. He paused a nanosecond in search of an appropriate description. “This universe just sucks.”
“Eh, it’s not that bad,” Unicron replied. “It’s a wide open frontier, you know. All the free worlds you can eat and no one objecting just because you were messy about it.”
“I don’t like it here,” Primus continued to grumble. “Why oh why did we come here?”
“You made a big mess.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Unicron went on. “I’m sure Dad will calm down eventually. Someday.”
“Don’t bet on it,” Primus said. “Anyway, what do you want to do? I’m bored.”
“You’re always hungry.”
“So? Is it so wrong to satisfy a harmless urge?” Unicron replied. “Ooh, look! A moon!”
“You’re not going to eat that are you?” Primus asked, eyeing the moon in question dubiously. “I think there’s something growing on it.”
“AIEEEE!!!” Wickett screamed. “It’s the end of the world!”
Around him, Ewoks ran in mad terror as their world shook apart around them. In the distance, Wickett could see a funnel of material rising into the sky toward the strange gold and silver orb that had suddenly appeared there.
Where was their Golden God when the Ewoks needed Him?
“Okay, now that’s just disgusting,” Primus observed.
“What? It’s just a moon.”
“There was stuff growing on it.”
“Oh that?” Unicron said, smacking his mandibles together. “That’s like the tastiest part.”
“But it was growing!” Primus continued. “Who knows what that stuff might do?”
“I like tasty,” Unicron said stubbornly.
“One of these eons, you’re going to eat something and it won’t agree with you,” Primus predicted. “Don’t coming running to me if you get food poisoning.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Unicron said dismissively. “Whatever.”
“Now look, you’re leaving crumbs behind. And some of it’s still moving.”
“Hello, frontier universe?” Unicron said, exasperated. “No rules against littering here.”
“But it’s sloppy…” Primus began. His diatribe was cut short when something interesting entered his sensor range. “Hey, what’s that?”
“Looks like a girl,” Unicron observed, “probably locally spawned. She looks a little young to have moved in from another universe. Wow, she’s really hot, too.”
“Hmm, should we introduce ourselves?” Primus asked.
“Of course we should!” Unicron said, surprised. “Why shouldn’t we?”
“Our track record with girls leaves something to be desired.”
“It’s not like there’s a huge population in this universe to choose from anyway,” Unicron argued.
“Exactly my point. I don’t want to drive off the first girl we meet here.”
“I’m sure she’ll be happy to have company.”
“Well, as long as we don’t embarrass ourselves,” Primus began.
“Not a problem,” Unicron said reassuringly. He turned to the newcomer and called out. “Hey, babe! How’s it hanging?”
Primus groaned in despair.
The girl altered course and decelerated, eventually coming to rest relative to Primus and Unicron. She was considerably smaller than the two brothers, a sleek white and purple serpent with tentacles and threaded with blue veins.
“Greetings,” she said somewhat pompously, “I am Illyria.”
“Nice to meet ya, Illyria!” Unicron said brightly. “I’m Unicron. I’m sure we’ll have loads of fun. Wanna have spawn together?”
“You are very forward,” Illyria said dubiously. “Who is your companion?”
“Him,” Unicron said. “Oh, that’s just Primus.”
“Um, ah, hi,” Primus said awkwardly.
“He does not talk overly much,” Illyria observed.
“You really don’t want to hear what he has to say,” Unicron replied. “I mean, he can be such a nag, if you know what I mean.”
“Not really, no,” Illyria said.
“Anyway, how about you and I go someplace private…” Unicron began. “Hey look! A planet! Wanna go eat? We can share.”
“I amm not hungry right now,” Illyria told him. “And I think there’s something growing on it.”
“Oh, your loss,” Unicron said cheerfully. “I’ll be right back. Then we can get to know each other better.”
“Presumptuous fool,” Illyria muttered as Unicron sailed off.
“Hey, look,” Primus said. “I’m sorry about my brother there, he just has these quirks.”
“You two are of the same spawning pool?” Illyria replied. “My condolences.”
“Hey, he’s not that bad,” Primus objected.
“He is devouring a world that has something growing on it,” Illyria pointed out. “And this world has apparently learned some rudimentary energy manipulation if those little bits of coherent light are any indication.”
“Still, he… Ew! I can’t believe he just did that!”
“Disgusting,” Illyria agreed. She observed Unicron’s antics a while longer, not quite believing what she was observing. “I believe I shall take my leave, now.”
“Sorry to see you go.”
“You are welcome to join me, Primus,” Illyria offered.
“Huh, really?” Primus said, surprised. “I don’t know. I shouldn’t just leave without telling Unicron.”
“I am leaving,” Illyria told him. “You may come with me. Or you can stay and watch… that.”
“Oh, ugh, that is so gross,” Primus muttered. “So where are we going?”
“There is an empty galaxy I have recently acquired the title to,” Illyria said as they left. “I intend to build myself a kingdom where my spawn may worship me in all my divine glory.”
“Really?” Primus said, interested. “As it happens, my hobby is social engineering with spawn.”
The two departed that galaxy, chatting amiably. This universe didn’t seem so bad anymore to Primus now that he had pleasant company. Illyria expressed an interest in other universes, the centers of Civilization, and how spawn were reared there. Neither gave a thought to what they were leaving behind them.
“Okay, done!” Unicron announced. “You guys missed a great meal. I brought you some leftovers though and… Illyria? Primus? Where’d you guys go?”