No this fic is NOT abandoned and here´s the proof. Part 5 finally up!
Have you ever thought there was something more about Fawkes that JKR left out?
Also you get to know more about “my” Spikes past. Angst warning. Maybe even tissue warning if you´re sensitive to other peoples pain.
No explicit mentions of torture just emotional stuff.
As soon as his master had spoken the young vampire froze.
Fawkes, as not only a bird but a phoenix at that, had a much more human way of thinking then other animals but it was when it came to sensing emotions and understanding them that he was much, much more superior compare to other magical animals and even humans. Right now he could easily pick up on the fear, hopelessness and sadness radiating from the vampire next to him. Then it was the other vampire, the one that felt worry, love and to some degree sadness. The young girl that was, to the eyes of the phoenix, surrounded by a warm green glow, was feeling much more happy feelings than the vampires. The excitement, happiness and worry flowed from her in soft waves. It was however the boy that interested him the most. Not his emotions but his magical energy. Only in three other occasions had he felt this degree of raw magical power. His master of course, the young Savior with the lightning bolt and the Snake that was once human.
He wondered if his master had noticed it too.
But then again, the young vampire had much more power than all of them, he was just afraid of using it to its full potential.
He could of course talk to his master and the young vampire but the fact that he might be able to talk to this boy had some kind of significance even though he couldn´t figure out what.
For now he would concentrate on the vampire.
As soon as Albus had spoken Spike froze. Then he simply shut down his hearing so that the only thing he was concentrated on was the phoenix.
Xander, Dawn and Angel quickly explained what they knew about what was wrong with Spike and after some consideration Albus came to a decision.
“If Spike agrees to it I would like to enter his mind and so to say ´go to the root of the problem´.”
The other three nodded their consent.
“I would like all of you to wait outside the room just as a precaution,” said Albus as he rose from his chair.
Seeing as all of Albus attention was now focused on the blonde vampire that had yet to move nor showed any indication of knowing that they were even there much less talking none of them bothered to say anything as they walked out.
“I do hope you will forgive me for this one day William,” said Albus quietly as he forcefully entered the vampires mind.
Inside Spikes mind
The first thing that came to Albus was an all consuming feeling of loneliness then pain. It seemed to rip through him and Albus gasped even though he knew it wasn´t really his own pain he was feeling.
Then it was gone and the mind world around him exploded in colors and chaos until he found himself standing in a white room in front of Spike who was sitting on the floor with his arms around his knees and his head down, hiding his face from view.
“Why are you here?” asked Spike without lifting his head.
“Simply to help,” answered Albus.
It was quiet for a while and then Spike started shaking. It took Albus a full minute to realize that the vampire was laughing.
“Did I say something amusing?” asked Albus with a frown.
Normally people didn´t laugh when he said he was there to help so it was hard to know how he was going to react.
“Help? No one ever wants to just help, always asking for things in return. It´s always the same. And no one ever wants to help me anyway. No one ever cares.” said Spike as he rose.
As Albus got his first look at the vampires face he could feel tears forming in his eyes for the first time in years.
The vampires’ eyes had been grey/blue when he had stepped out of the fireplace in Albus office but now they were white with flecks of grey and there were red tear tracks on the pale skin.
An air of hopelessness was surrounding the vampire like black mist.
“No one ever cares,” whispered Spike as red tears of blood stated falling. Albus took one step toward the vampire and the mind world exploded with images from as far back as Spikes childhood.
Albus caught bits of conversations from every image.
Spike, William, when he was no more than 6 years old standing in the living room of a richly decorated house in front of his parents as they were arguing.
“He is just a little boy,” his mother said.
“He is six years old and it´s about time he learn something about the world,” said his father with a cruel grin as he took out his wand.
“No! You can´t!” said his mother and tried to stand in front of her son. It was no use as her husband was so much stronger than her he simply pushed her away.
The young William stood frozen as his father raised his hand holding the wand and said the word.
Albus didn´t see the spell hit the boy but he knew it did.
The next image was a few years later. William was now 12 and it was at the beginning of his second year at Hogwarts. He, his mother and father stood by the red train that would take William to school.
“Be good.” Was all his mother said before giving him a stiff hug and leaving him alone, as alone he could be with hundreds of people around, with his father.
“Now son, don’t do anything bad if you are not sure you can get away with it and don’t do anything towards your head of house if you can’t blame it on someone else, preferably a mudblood,” said his father with a grin as he left his son alone on the platform.
William looked around him where everyone else had parents who hugged them lovingly at least twice and gave them books, good advice and in some cases even fun things to show their friends.
He tried hard to not cry but the tears came anyway.
He wanted to be anyone but who he was.
Again the images changed. Now William was in his sixth year at Hogwarts. He was walking down a corridor with his hands in his pants pockets and head down, trying hard to ignore everyone around him. As usual they were whispering, pointing and like always he had to duck spells aimed at him. Not far behind him he suddenly heard a boy’s voice whispering “Crucio”. As he had done so many times before, although not inside the school, he quickly turned around as he drew his own wand and cast a silent shielding charm he had invented himself. The Crucio spell bounced against his shield and hit a wall causing no harm to any humans or portraits.
The other students had stopped in their tracks and were now staring at him in mixed horror and awe.
No one said anything. The boy who had cast the spell aimed at him sat on the floor by the wall shaking with his eyes wide.
The silence was broken by a teacher.
“What is going on here!?”
He took in William still holding his wand, the shaking boy on the floor and the decent sized dent in the stone wall.
“William, detention for two months and a total of 100 house points for attacking another student without any reason and damaging the school.”
William knew better than to argue. No one in the school liked him anyway so even if things wasn´t his fault he was blamed and punished if he was even in the area of anything gone wrong.
For six years he had struggled, avoiding spells, fights and trying to study hard while trying to stay alive.
Thanks to his studying and the attacks he was the best duelist in the school, even better than the teachers.
But no matter what he did it was never good enough. Not for the teachers and certainly not for his father, who hated him.
Late at night he was still awake.
Everything would be better if he was dead.
It was the only thought running through his mind as he cried himself to sleep like every other night.
Albus shook his head at the cruelty of Williams’s childhood as the images shifted again. This time they didn´t stop at anything specific because they all showed more of the same. William being all but abandoned by his mother, hated even more by his father as he grew up, not finding any legal work after he was finished with school because of his reputation, ending up dueling for money in the wizard equivalent of the underworld, gaining fame as the best duelist in Great Britain but still not being liked, loved or wanted by anyone. More attempts to kill him than Albus could possibly count.
But then it changed. William grew tired of it all and ran to a bar in the muggle town of London.
There he met a vampire named Angelus.
William fell in love with the vampire and accepted the vampires’ offer of eternity together with him.
For a few years everything was pretty okay. Angelus taught him everything he knew and they had fun together. William still hadn´t told Angelus about his feelings.
Them Darla came back from some trip she had taken.
She really didn´t like William and made his unlife a pure hell. She took every chance she could to torture him until he passed out from either blood loss or exhaustion.
Angelus was always there to patch him up though.
But then something happened and suddenly Angelus left while William was forced to stay behind with Darla.
The years went by and William slowly became Spike. More powerful, more angry at the Sire he had loved and still loved, and more determined to find said Sire and demand an answer.
In his quest for his Sire he ended up killing a Slayer during the Boxer rebellion and later a second Slayer in New York.
Now bearing the name of Spike, William the bloody and Slayer of Slayers he went to a town named Sunnydale where he found the latest Slayer, a Hellmouth and also his Sire.
But again he was rejected. Thrown aside for the sake of another.
Albus suspected that this was the turning point; this was where Spike lost hope and slowly began to die from the inside.
Then images flew by, fast but still slow enough for Albus to see each one clearly.
How Spike came to stay with the Slayer and her friends. The hurting remarks they said to him every time they got a chance, Buffy beating him up for information when all she could have done was ask and she would have gotten it, seeing his Sire spend time with the Slayer.
All this and similar images went by Albus until it all stopped and he once again found himself in front of Spike surrounded by white.
“It´s all the same and it will never change.” Whispered the vampire at Albus before the old wizard was forcefully cast out of the vampires mind.
When Albus regained his consciousness he was laying on the floor beside Spike. It seemed as if the vampire still hadn’t regained his consciousness so Albus put a sleeping charm on him and put him in a comfortable armchair. The old wizard sighed as he transformed a small stack of parchment into a warm blanket for the vampire.
It really was a wonder that the vampire had even survived his Hogwarts years at all, not to mention his cruel father and colder than ice mother.
He sighed again as he opened the door and went out to tell the others what he had done and a small part, only a small part because some things was meant to be kept a secret at least for the moment, of what he had seen in Spikes´ mind.
He really wondered how he would tell his old friend that his Childe had been in love with him since they had first met.