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Calculator Woes

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Summary: Anya and friends encounter a disturbing object on the way to Muggle Studies.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Anya-CenteredgrasshopperknightFR131922041,21821 Jan 0821 Jan 08Yes
Title: Calculator Woes

Author: grasshopperknight

Rating: FR-13

Summary: Anya and friends encounter a disturbing object on the way to Muggle Studies.

Disclaimer: Buffy is owned by Joss Whedon and Harry is the property of J.K. Rowling. They are not mine. I also am not affiliated with MasterCard or Texas Instruments.

Story starts below.


A home to the impossible.

A hovel for the recluse.

A haven for the weird.

And on this day, this ancient citadel of stone and mortar is about to house yet another strange occurrence for a group of six young Gryffindors on their way to Muggle Studies.

“George, why is there a four foot calculator staring at me?” Anya asked while walking down the fourth floor corridor.

“How should I know? Hey, stare back at it.” George replied next to her.

“What’s a calligator?” Fred asked.

“It’s a cal-cu-la-tor, for goodness sakes!” Hermione corrected, “It’s is a muggle device that computes numbers.”


“Compute is a term used when a machine thinks according to its programming.” She continued, exasperated while speaking to the rest of the group.

“Don’t look at me like that! As if I don’t know that a calculator is only one of the most important inventions of the modern world!” Anya yelled, bursting into an angry tirade.

When everyone looked over at her, she continued: “They tell you how much money you have, duh!”

“The goblin wannabe strikes again.”

“As if! They have no imagination with what to do with their fortunes. I mean how much of your money do you need to make more money? Thirty-five point six percent that’s how much. The rest can be used to purchase fine clothing or very satisfying, very inappropriate-for-children adult toys. After taxes of course.”

“Hang on I’m confused,” Ron said. “I thought that muggle machines were dead. How can they think?”

George turned to Fred, “Yet more proof that our ickle Ronnikins is completely oblivious.”

“Too right.”

“HEY! Can we get back to the topic here? There is still a very large, very creepy calculator that is STARING RIGHT AT ME!!! Can we please do something constructive about this?”


“Are you sure it is staring at you?”

“Yes it is staring at me, I’m not crazy.”

“We didn’t say you were crazy.” Fred quickly jumped in.

“Yeah, we were thinking it……. loudly.” George added.

“Oh, you’re so lucky I don’t have my powers anymore,” was the mumbled reply.

“Stranger things than this have happened at Hogwarts you know.” Harry piped up trying to diffuse the tension in the group.

“Yes, I know.” Anya replied airily, “You and I are just two of the shining examples that can be found here……. weirdo.”

“Oi!” Harry yelled, “Just who is the Human Fireball of Justice Here exactly?”

“No one has enough evidence to prove that I had anything to do with that, that glorious inferno.” Anya said with a glazed look in her eye, “If only you could have seen it.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet. What is that phrase? Oh right! Dish rags: $ 2.00. Two gallons of gasoline: $ 5.67. Watching your former client’s mortal enemies go up in flames: Priceless. Some things money can’t buy, but for everything revenge there’s MasterCard.”

No one knew quite what to say to that, so they took the old stand by.

Nobody said anything.

Until Anya broke the silence.

“That was highly uncalled for; a brilliant deduction Sherlock, but completely uncalled for.” An evil grin came across her face, “You guys want to see the pictures I took?” She reached into her bag.

“Not now, Pyro-”


“- we’re going to be late for Muggle Studies”

“Oh fine.”

“Hey where did the calligator go?” Fred asked.

Everyone looks back, they had forgotten about the large adding machine, and shrugged.

“I don’t know” Ron said

“Huh! Well what a wonderful way to waste time,” Hermione huffed with annoyance.

“‘Wonderful way to waste time’?” George repeated.

“That’s insulting truly” Fred said

“I mean when you really look at what took place here-“

“- in this most deserted of corridors –“

“- you will realize that nothing productive got accomplished here today-“

“-no pranking of hapless Slytherins-“

“-nor watching Peeves pick on lost first years.”

“It was a completely horrid way to waste precious pranking time.”

“It’s one of our rules actually, # 473: If you’re going to waste time you must be doing something constructive while you do it.”

“The only good thing about this is that we did finally figure out the mystery of what really did happen in Chicago so long ago.”

“Allegedly, you have no proof.” Anya replied

“You mean proof like the pictures that you took?”


“I see that you are not denying that you had any involvement in the Great Chicago Fire of 1871.” George pointed out.

“Damn cow taking all the credit.” Anya mumbled. When she looked up next, she took notice of all the suspicious stares aiming in her direction.
‘Time for a distraction,’ she thought.

“Oh no! Look at the time we’re going to be late for class. Come on!” Anya yelled while running off.

“Stop dodging the subject!” Fred cried, running after her.


Ten minutes later, the very-late-to-Muggle-Studies group burst through the door leading to their lesson, completely out of breath, to receive quite a shock:

There standing behind the professor’s desk, was a four foot tall, TI-83 graphing calculator. Which turned towards the door to observe the incoming students.

Too many, it wouldn’t look like much, just a big adding machine, but this particular adding machine seemed to be alive, possibly even possessed. And to the paranoid mind, it appeared that said adding machine was staring right at you.

‘Well if it’s a war they want, it’s a war they’ll get,’ Anya thought while everyone found a seat.

Commence the staring contest………..NOW!


The End

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