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Fates of Love: Catfight

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Summary: With permission, this is part of bighead's Fates of Love series: Buffy Meets Catwoman

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Batman > Buffy-CenteredcmdruhuraFR181424,51347652,2437 Feb 0812 Nov 14No

Into the deep end

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. I receive no profits from this. It is just for fun.
Archiving: Please ask.
Feedback: Constructive Criticism desired.
Beta: Greywizard
Summary: Buffy Meets Catwoman.

AN: Thoughts (\\Good abs!//)

Selina’s training had to be cut short, due to an unexpected apocalyptic event that needed a special trinket that was on display in the Haeju Historical Museum in North Korea. Not really a place where you could just drop by and ask to borrow said trinket. Especially when use of said trinket in stopping the unexpected apocalyptic event would almost assuredly result in its total destruction.

The fact that Selina only had 72 hours to get to North Korea, obtain the trinket, and take it to the Slayer team in Ilsa Grande de Tierra del Fuego, on the Chilean side of the island, pleased the semi-reformed thief no end – NOT.

The only good thing, so far, was that she could utilize some of the same contacts she’d used when taking down the smuggling cartel in Southeast Asia a little over half a year ago to get her into, and hopefully out of, North Korea.

Willow and Andrew were attempting to get her the floor and alarm plans for the museum. Willow would teleport them to the special carry case she had with her, since she didn’t have time to waste waiting on their efforts before heading out. Unfortunately, Willow wouldn’t be able to just magic the trinket out of the museum or over to the Slayer team needing it once Selina obtained it, as it resisted magical influence and, thus, the reason it was needed to disrupt the intended ceremony being undertaken by a tribe of P’an S’y demons.

Now, despite the unforgiving nature of the North Korean authorities towards infiltration of their borders for the purposes of theft, the operation would be considered routine for someone of her caliber, in that there were no supernatural or mystical obstacles to contend with. Just plain old mundane high security systems and armed guards who would most probably shoot to kill. Not to mention the North Korean military that might impede both their ingress and egress.

Plus, if the retrieval went to plan, the North Korean authorities would never know the trinket was missing as Willow was able to provide an exact replica, aside from the anti-magic nature, that would be left in the trinket’s place.

If it weren’t for one minor detail, this would be a solo caper for her. The fact that the trinket in question was a 300 pound statue of Buddha necessitated her being accompanied by a Slayer. The replica she had was a shrunken down version, and lighter because of it, similar to what had been done to the Scythe when Buffy had gone to Themyscira. Once it was grown to the correct size, it would weigh 300 pounds as well.

Unfortunately for Selina, there were only two fully trained Slayers with even the remotest experience with cat burglary and B&E, with the one having the most experience being unavailable on the Amazon home island.

\\How in hell am I going to smuggle a blonde California Valley Girl Cheerleader into and out of North Korea, along with a 300 pound Buddha?// she thought to herself for the umpteenth time as the plane they were in flew from Scotland towards her first contact.

Using glamours was out as the trinket would negate them, anyway.

Getting Buffy and herself into North Korea turned out to be not that difficult. A bottle of black hair dye; a new, shorter hairdo, reluctantly agreed to; some judicious use of eyeliner and flesh colored tape to mitigate their round eyes; and some native clothing would transform the duo into middle class (if there was such a thing in North Korean society) natives. Buffy’s short stature was a plus in her favor as well for blending in.

They further lucked out in that the city they were going to was a coastal one with a port. Once they had the Buddha, they just needed a fast boat to get them to an island in South Korean territory to get picked up by an Alexion private jet for the flight to the tip of South America.

Still with all the travel time involved getting from Scotland to North Korea, and then from there to Tierra del Fuego, they’d be lucky to have ten hours, if that, to complete their ‘shopping’. The fact that those ten hours would be during daylight and the museum would be open to the public just added a touch of spice to the whole experience.

Selina didn’t think she’d ever been this wired before. And they weren’t even to the part where they did the actual caper yet.

Saving the world from going to literal Hell was a very heady, not to mention frightening, undertaking. Worry about making a mistake occupied her mind more often than she liked.

Yet, her traveling companion had seemed to be very nonchalant about it, having slept most of the journey to their first jumping off point for infiltrating North Korea.

Willow did manage to ‘forward’ the information on the museum during the second half of their flight, so Selina was able to channel her excess energy into studying the data and making preliminary plans on how to carry out the switch.

The trip overland into North Korea went well, as did their journey to Haeju. However, by the time they got to the vicinity of the museum, they were down to 8 hours to complete this part of the mission.

Selina and Buffy took the short tour to recon and flesh out the info Willow and Andrew had gotten them. Of course, that took another hour away from their deadline.

The trick to pulling off a heist in broad daylight with lots of potential witnesses around is just that - a trick. Specifically, the type of trick a magician uses when doing slight of hand – misdirection.

However, even Selina admitted to herself that she was not in Copperfield’s league when it came to making large objects disappear in front of everybody’s eyes. So, she went with the old standby of a fake fire to cause confusion, as well as obscure the surveillance cameras, then blending in with the rescue workers to help get a blanket covered ‘injured’ person into a waiting ambulance.

Buffy definitely did not want to know how Selina managed to get her hands on an anatomically correct blow-up sex doll in North Korea to masquerade as the patient’s lower torso and legs with the Buddha as the head and shoulders. Selina, herself, didn’t broach the subject either.

Once Selina set the fire alarms had gone off and the smoke bombs had done their thing by obscuring the pertinent cameras, Buffy just had to pull the fake ambulance up with the arriving fire fighters and meet Selina near the trinket’s location. Buffy would then move the Buddha to the stretcher in an adjacent room while Selina, staying out of range of the trinket’s anti-magic properties, placed Willow’s fake in its place and activating the size and weight increase. They would then take their patient to their ambulance, with Buffy holding the end of the stretcher with the Buddha on it, and drive away.

Getting to the docks went fine despite some minor traffic snarls, but getting quietly out of the harbor so as not to attract attention to themselves on the fishing boat the two of them were piloting took longer than desired. As such, they were going to have to really crank up the speed once they reached the open waters of the Yellow Sea. An action that could very well draw the attention of the hyper paranoid North Korean defense forces if they were picked up on radar or by other means.

Which, of course, is exactly what happened.

Good news was that none of the North Korean naval ships were close enough to intercept them. Their air forces, on the other hand, had no such problem. Two MIG-21s appeared overhead just as they got within 10 miles of their destination.

Now, Buffy had been shot at before by various guns, but being strafed by 23 mm canon fire was a whole other level that she could have done without. In fact, she was so upset by the first strafing that she hurled a baseball sized chunk of metal debris produced by the first strafing run at the two single engine jets when they came by for another run. If the pilots hadn’t come in so low, she’d never have been able to do what she did, which was punch a hole in the wing of the second jet. It didn’t knock it out of the air but the jet did show signs of having some controllability problems and headed back towards the mainland.

Luckily, neither jet had missiles, but apparently Buffy’s vented anger made the pilot of the remaining jet decide to stand off a bit, thinking there might be some anti-aircraft weapons on board.

As such, they managed duck the boat out of sight around the other side of the island containing the Alexion private jet, where they quickly made landfall to unload the Buddha. Despite the island technically being in South Korean territory, the North Koreans did not fully recognize the waters around the island as belonging to South Korea. As such, the remaining jet and any reinforcements that would be arriving fairly soon would endanger the Alexion jet as it left the island if the North Koreans were still in the area.

Once the Buddha was offloaded, the boat quickly headed back out, away from the island in a direction that was consistent with the one where they went out of line of sight with the fighter and that was suposedly further into South Korean territory, though the North Korean’s might refute that claim, but away from the direction the jet would take off from.

As the boat came back in view of the North Korean forces, the driver noticed there were now three MIGs. A few seconds later, two missiles zoomed across the sky and hit the boat dead center.

The MIGs stayed in the area a few minutes more, but left just before jets from South Korea showed up. Those jets made several passes over the wreckage of the boat but after a while left the scene and headed back to the mainland.

It was after they left that the Alexion plane finally took off, initially flying low to the water, with the Buddha and one extra passenger instead of two on its long journey. They had only a little over an hour leeway to get the Buddha to the team that was set to stop the P’an S’y demons. Any more delays could be fatal for the world.

AN: Buffy’s experience, as slight as it is, came from her B&E at the sporting goods store with Faith and her sojourn as an Mission Impossible like aerialist when going after The Box of Gavrok.

AN: I had considered ending the chapter with the following but thought better of it.

This has been a test of the emergency acquisition system. This was only a test.

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