Title: Plan Number 3D
Author: Eddie Witcher
crossover: BTVS and the web comic "El Goonish Shive"
Disclaimer: BTVS belong to Joss Whedon. El Goonish Shive belongs to Dan Shive. No profit for me.
Rating: FR13 or PG
Synopsis: Dawn finally gets a spell right on the third try. Crack-fic. One-shot.
This is a response to Challenge 3029: Web Comics: Where is the Love?
set post Season Seven.
Xander eyed the complicated design on the pavement suspiciously. "Are you sure this is going to work this time?"
Dawn replied without looking up from the symbol she was drawing. "Yes, of course I'm sure. Now hand me the cinnabar."
He dug through the handbag she'd left with him and eventually found the small jar of strongly scented powder. "Here ya go. It's just that the last time you tried this, you summoned a cockatrice."
"Hey! It worked. Mostly. That's why I left out the chicken gizzards this time. Besides, I was closer than the time before that."
"When you got a salamander." Xander held up his hand to stop Dawn's interjection. "Which I admit also worked. Burning vamps equals dusty vamps. When you use a lizard made of fire you can roast marshmallows too. So you do get points for flaming sugary goodness; but I got to take them back with interest on account of burning buildings and exploding gas mains. Which brings me back to the disturbing reminder of why you added the chicken gizzards in the first place."
"It'll work this time. Did you get it?"
Dawn rolled her eyes and spoke with a tone of annoyance. "The secret ingredient Dumb ass."
Xander snapped his fingers in mock frustration. "I forgot the Thousand Salad dressing, oh wait, that's for McDonald's special sauce.... Yes I got your super exotic secret ingredient for the spell." With a flourish, he handed her the printout of a comic strip. "I trust you Dawnie, I really do, but I have to ask. What makes you think that even if you summon the right thing, this has a better chance of success than the Attack-the-sixty-foot-snake-with-hummus plan?"
"He can get through that stupid 'keep out humans' ward of theirs, and he's benign enough that the other wards won't see him as a threat."
"But... But... Why him? Couldn't we use Grace? This thing isn't even a main character."
Dawn sighed in frustration. "Grace is part human, and while she's a pacifist, she's definitely not benign." She drew one last symbol and stood up to survey her work. Everything was right this time. "Okay, everything's ready. Cross your fingers." Dawn began to quietly chant. The symbols she'd drawn began to glow. The air began to ripple and shimmer. Finally a red mist appeared and solidified into a small creature. Dawn's shoulders sagged in relief. "It worked."
It squinted its beady eyes at them before asking in a gravelly voice, "Where am I?"
This thing didn't seem inclined to attack. Maybe she did get it right. Xander lowered his axe, but kept a tight grip on it. "The Hellmouth, Cleveland, Earth. We need you to do something."
The red creature began to glare at him suspiciously. "Why should I help you?"
Xander smiled and replied in a deceptively sweet tone. "Because you're dinner if you don't."
"You wouldn't eat me."
"I've been stuck eating Klingon and Romulan food for the past month."
"Okay, maybe you would. What do I do?"
"Just walk down that alley."
It tilted its horned head and asked, "Is anything going to try to kill or eat me?"
"Only me if you don't do your job."
It nodded. "I can do that." It turned and began waddling on short legs towards the alley.
One of the two vampires on sentry duty saw something small and covered in red feathers walking towards them. He nudged the other one to get his attention. "Hey Fred. Look at that. It's some sort of demonic duck." Neither of them noticed the humans at the mouth of the alley until after the crossbow bolts had pierced their hearts.
S.S.O.D.D. sighed and muttered to himself. "This is why I left Moperville in the first place."
A/N: 3D stands for the Demonic Duck Distraction. :) Yes, this is ridiculous; but I thought it was funny. You can find the source of this madness at www.elgoonishshive.com . The first appearance of the duck is at http://www.egscomics.com/d/20020422.html