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Just Passing Through

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Neighbours from Hell(mouth)". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: First in the Neighbours From Hell(mouth) series. Major General Hammond has to write a report on the recent visitors to Stargate Command. Pity the poor General....

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > General > Theme: HumorBoosterFR1313,161202813,7262 Aug 032 Aug 03Yes
Title : Just Passing Through
Author : Booster
Rating : PG-13
Summary : Stargate Command has a few uninvited guests. Major General Hammond has to make a report afterwards.
Disclaimer : Buffy and the gang belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. The Stargate people belong to Gekko Productions, Double Secret Productions, MGM/UA, and Showtime/Viacom.
Setting : Post Buffy Season 7, but no real spoilers for the end. Stargate – around season seven, but again no particular timeframe in the setting.
Distribution: Twisting the Hellmouth, FanFiction.Net, realitiescollide. If anyone else wants it, just email and ask.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Special Thanks : Laney, a very special beta reader and encourager.

Stargate Security Breach Alpha Seven

From the desk of Major General George Hammond, CO Stargate Command
To : The President United States
CC : SecDef, Senator Kinsey, Vice President Taylor

Re : Recent Unauthorized Security Breach and Use of Stargate


As attached, find a full debriefing and analysis of the recent incursion into Stargate Command. As the officer in charge, I would be remiss in my duties if I did not offer to step down as Commander of the SGC, and have submitted my resignation along with this report.


Major General George Hammond, United States Air Force

On the afternoon of Saturday 11th October 2003, a serious incursion took place in the Stargate Command section of Cheyenne Mountain. Participants involved were as follows:

1) Blonde female, medium to long hair, age early twenties. Referred to “Buffy”, “B” and “Buffalicious”. Exhibited abnormal strength, reflexes and stamina. Expert in martial arts and other unarmed combat.
2) Brown haired female, medium to long hair, age early twenties. Referred to as “Faith”. No last name known. Similar abnormalities and training as Subject 1.
3) Dark haired female, long hair, late teens, height approaching 6 feet. Referred to as “Dawn”, “Brat” and “The Key”. Slight training in unarmed combat seen, but not up to subjects 1 and 2’s level.
4) Red haired female, also early twenties, referred to as “Willow”, “Netgirl” and “Wills”. No special training visible, but possible Goa’uld device user. Used such devices to change gravity fields, block shots with energy walls and use Ring transportation devices without a receiver at the other end.
5) Dark haired male, also early twenties, referred to “Xander” and “Captain Hook”. Possible leader, eye patch over left eye. Slight training in martial arts evident, but knew his way around base. Possibly military at some point.
6) Greying British male, age approx mid 40’s, referred to as “Giles”. No last name mentioned. Possible Stargate expert, as was definitely in charge when they reached the Stargate. Enquiries are under way with the appropriate British authorities.

Section One

Movements before entering the base.

A subsequent search of the surrounding area of the base located a van with evidence of habitation. A police check revealed that the van had been stolen two days prior in Northern California, near a small town called Bullocksville. Further enquiries are still proceeding in Bullocksville, though not much is expected. I enclose a transcript of a cutting from the local newspaper: the Bullocksville Herald.

“Bright Lights Cause False Call Out for Firefighters

October 10th.

Residents who were woken by last night’s sudden false dawn around 4am can be assured that a forest fire was not responsible, announced a Sheriff’s deputy this morning. Where as the precise cause of the light is still not known, a search of the woods last night revealed no sign of anything.

“Heck” Deputy Litke said “We were even able to help some stranded motorists while we were out there.”

Deputy Litke has since identified the motorists as the six people that entered the SGC. Our current theory is that a Goa’uld Tel’tac dropped these people off in the forest for some reason. This is supported by a large burn mark found in one clearing of the forest, although some analysts are curious as to why they were not placed geographically closer to the SGC.

Section Two

First Contact With the Hostiles.

The van was observed parking by a perimeter guard on his way home at approximately 1240 hours. The guard’s duty finished at 1230 hours and he is adamant that this is when he saw the van parking. What we know for certain is that at 1247 hours, the six hostiles teleported into the SGC into room 4, floor 18. Luckily a camera in this room remained unaffected, and the following transcript is available :

Subject 1 : Clear my side!
Subject 2 : Same here, guys.
Subject 6 : Lord, I detest that method of traveling.
Subject 5 : Awww…. Is poor little Giles getting travel sick?
Subject 6 removed his glasses and started polishing them at this point.
Subject 6 : Xander, this is surely not the time. We have only a few hours remaining to us at this point, so let’s get on with the bloody job!
Subject 4 at this point had located a terminal and started operating it.
Subject 5 : So Wills, how’s the old Netgirl skills? Still running on full capacity?
Subject 4 : Just like riding a bike – especially with a little help.
Subject 4 at this stage had one hand on the side of the terminal, with a glow coming from that point. Blowing up this image has proved unsuccessful in discovering exactly how all the SGC security protocols were bypassed, but Goa’uld technology of some kind is suspected.
Subject 4 : I’m in! Hmmm….. I see. Aha! That’s what we want.
Subject 6 : Good work, Willow. So how does this travel system work precisely?
At this point Corporals A.Moore and D.Gibbons entered on a routine security check. Subjects 1 and 2 assaulted them unarmed and were successful in disarming them and subsequently knocking them unconscious. Unfortunately Corporal Gibbons was thrown into the camera and the remaining transcript is based on intermittent and fragmented data.

Subject 4 : …….ven symbols needed. Input them in and they access a vast network.
Subject 3 : *whistles* Wonder if they have that on our…..

Subject 1 : ….trol room. Get Willow working her magic fingers again and…..

Subject 2 : ….get to fight all these lovely soldier boys. Always loved a guy in uniform. There’s just something about them. Oooops. Sorry B.
Subject 1 : Never mind. That was a long time back.
Subject 5 : Better get a move on. These guys should be reporting in any time now.
Subject 3 : Aye, aye Captain Hook.
Subject 6 : If you’ve quite….

Subject 1 : …our part of the plan down? Willow and Xander with me to hit the armory and distract most of them.
Subject 2 : While I take the Brat and old guy to the archeologist’s room for the code? Sheesh B, I got it the first 5 tim….

Shortly afterwards, the group departed the room and went their separate ways.

Section Three

Subsequent Movements

i) Group 1
Subjects 1, 4 and 5 proceeded down two flights of stairs without the alarm being raised. Subject 5 was now in Corporal Moore’s uniform and leading the way. The two occasions where they met somebody was soon resolved by Subject 1’s attack on Private Bendis, and Private Bedard suddenly falling asleep.

Video records show Group 1 approaching the Armory when Private Bedard’s body was found and the alarm set off. The Armory guards found themselves floating to the ceiling suddenly, before gravity abruptly returned to normal and they hit the floor. This was apparently caused by subject 4, and ties in with known use of gravity manipulations by certain Goa’uld System Lords. Those still conscious at this point were promptly knocked out by Subjects 1 and 5.

The Armory door had automatically closed on the alarm going off and was a steel door, six inches thick. This door was later found at the back of the Armory, dented in the middle in the shape of what appeared to be a footprint. Analysis of the door frame showed that the bolts and framework of the door had simply been ripped apart by a great force. Further calculations are still being done to determine just how much force was required. General Hammond suggests that in the future, budget permitting of course, to have the entire Armory encased in steel alloy to prevent a repeat.

With Group 2 having shut down the lifts at this point, Colonel O’Neill rallied the troops in the mess room and led them towards the Armory. Witness reports confirm at this point that Group 1 had acquired zat guns from the Armory and the knowledge of how to use them. Subjects 1 and 5 used the zat guns to knock out any troops that they could see, while Subject 4 was using her Goa’uld energy shields to protect Subjects 1 and 5. Bullets, zat guns and even gas grenades didn’t work.

Finally, Colonel O’Neill and his last remaining 5 troops decided to attempt a frontal hand to hand assault. The surprise of this tactic worked for a moment, but only Colonel O’Neill and Teal’c were able to reach them and knock the zat guns out of their hands. Colonel O’Neill had hit Subject 5 to the ground, when Teal’c was thrown into him. The following landing broke Colonel O’Neill’s left arm. This did have the effect of the Subjects assuming that Colonel O’Neill was out of the fight.

As Group 1 prepared to leave, given that there were no more soldiers to attack, Colonel O’Neill managed to reach one of the dropped zat guns and fire it at the intruders. He managed to hit Subject 5 clearly – later corridor video footage shows Subject 5 being carried by Subject 1. However, Colonel O’Neill is most determined on the point that he then shot Subject 1 in the chest with the zat gun before she reached him. Colonel O’Neill is unable to remember anything more after this point and video footage shows nothing to support this.

Group 1 then proceeded to head to the control centre.

ii) Group 2
Subjects 2, 3 and 6 left their arrival point and moved at once to the lift shaft on their level. Entering the lift, Subject 2 apparently smashed through the control panel and disabled it, leaving the lift stuck in place. We assume they then proceeded down one flight of stairs to the next level and waited for the alarms to go off for Group 1’s activities.

Dr Daniel Jackson was in the middle of transcribing some notes on artifacts brought back from P7X – 498. Fortunately his recorder stayed on during the following conversation :

Dr Jackson : The markings seem to indicate a large syntax, which leads me to
Alarm bells go off at this point.
Dr Jackson : What? Some kind of problem with the gate?
Door opens and Subjects 2, 3 and 6 enter.
Subject 6 : Dr Jackson, I presume? I’m Giles from the British Museum.
Dr Jackson : Ah…. Right. Um… could you excuse me a minute? The alarms you see…
Subject 6 : Ah yes. The guard outside told us to wait with you Dr Jackson, until the situation is sorted out.
Dr Jackson : Yes, yes of course. Completely understandable. Did he say what the situation was about?
Subject 2 : Not really. He was kinda out of it at the time.
Subject 6 : Perhaps I should introduce these two young ladies. This is Dawn, my assistant.
Subject 3 : Nice to meet you.
Subject 6 : And this is Faith. Supposedly my bodyguard while I’m over here. Less obvious than most, apparently.
Subject 2 : I am so gonna get you to loosen up one of these days. I bet you even have tweed pajamas.
Dr Jackson : Right. I assume now the British government knows about the Stargate Project, that you’ve come over to see what you can help with?
Subject 6 : Absolutely. Both Dawn and myself are fluent readers of several ancient languages.
Subject 3 : Picked it right on up as I was growing up
Subject 6 : And can probably help translate most tongues. Unfortunately Willow, a colleague of ours, is a little… busy… right now otherwise she’d be here too.
Dr Jackson : Well, at the moment I’m working on trying to understand this particular tongue found on P7X – 498. What do you think?
Subject 6 : Ha! Looks like a fairly primitive version of Thraxis to me. Dawn?
Subject 3 : Two tenses, reversing on the verbs, looks like it to me.
Dr Jackson : Really? What does it say? And have you got any references to this in the British Museum?
Subject 6 : You might find some references in the very back of the occult and mystic writing sections on the 4th floor…
Subject 3 : I’ll just start writing it down then, shall I?
Subject 2 : All fine and dandy then. I’ll just stand here and look lost.
Subject 6 : Mmmm? Faith?
Subject 2 : After all, I don’t know anything about how this place works. Do I?
Subject 6 : Oh. Oh! Oh yes, of course…. Dr Jackson, could you explain?
Dr Jackson : Certainly. You know about the Stargate in general, I assume? How it connects to various worlds all over the galaxy?
Subject 2 : Yeah, yeah… but I wanna know more about the actual mechanics. What you do to get it working…
Subject 3 : She’s so bloodthirsty, I swear she wants to be on one of these SG teams…
Subject 2 : Shut it, Brat.
Subject 3 : I’ll tell my sister on you..
Sound of a raspberry being blown.
Dr Jackson : Right. Anyway, each Stargate has what we call a DHD – a Dial Home Device. You press a certain combination of seven symbols and they sometimes access the address for a certain world. The Stargate lights up and takes you there.
Subject 6 : You explain these difficult concepts very well.
Dr Jackson : Practice. Have you met Colonel O’Neill yet?
Subject 2 : So what do these symbols look like? How do you know whether it’s a valid address?
Dr Jackson : Well…
Subject 2 : Hey, does this mean that Earth has its own address? What’s that look like?
Dr Jackson : Sighs. Here, I’ll write it on the blackboard for you. See? Those seven symbols here are Earth’s address. If you were lost anywhere in the galaxy, just depress those symbols in that order and you could be back here instantly. Unfortunately, without a special code transmitted, you’d run straight into our Iris.
Subject 2 : Oh, I don’t think that would be a problem for us.
Dr Jackson : I beg your par
Sound of Dr Jackson being knocked unconscious.
Subject 2 : Got it, Dawn?
Subject 3 : Yup. Shame about that – he was nice.
Subject 6 : Indeed, quite the scholar. Most impressive book collection too.
Subject 2 : Come on! We got what we needed. Lets get to B already.
Subject 3 : Hang on, almost finished the translation.
Subject 2 : You what?
Subject 3 : Well, I feel a little guilty. He was such a nice guy.
Subject 6 : I think that’s enough now Dawn. He can figure out the rest from what you’re done so far.

Group 2 left and then proceeded down to the control centre too. Dr Jackson’s later analysis of the translation proves it to be absolutely correct in the majority of details, but it is important to note that most of this is based on the part that Subject 3 did.

Section 4

Unauthorized Use of a Stargate

Major Carter, under the strict orders of Colonel O’Neill, had rallied the technical officers in the Stargate control centre. Under her command, a barricade of equipment had been set up at the entrances and the computer system closed down. However, this proved ineffective in blocking off the reunited groups. Subjects 1 and 2 simply kicked the barricade apart and strode in, aided by the energy shields from Subject 4. It was at this point that one of the cabinets was thrown through the Plexiglas window and next to the Stargate ramp. Very soon afterwards, the technical officers were all zatted and Major Carter disarmed.

Major Carter was then tied to one of the chairs with some of the cables, just in case they did something wrong and needed a little help apparently. Subjects 3 and 6 then entered and dragged the unconscious Subject 5 in. Subject 4 then somehow bypassed the security lock on the consoles and set the main system up and running again. Major Carter assures us that none of the people involved had Goa’uld symbiotes in them, but that she couldn’t be sure whether they were using Goa’uld devices or not. Major Carter also swears that Subject 5 called Subject 1 “Buffalicious” when coming round.

Using the symbols on a piece of paper passed to her by Subject 3, Subject 4 was able to lock the gate into operation and create a wormhole. Major Carter is adamant that if the address was Earth’s gate, then there should have been no way for that connection to itself to have been made. However, later analysis of the console found that all records of the gate’s use for that day were no longer available.

The six intruders then left Major Carter in the control centre and moved to stand in front of the Stargate below. Major Carter was eventually able to maneuver her chair to the control panel and listen to part of the conversation. Thanks to the hole in the Plexiglas, she was able to hear most of the conversation. Major Carter had missed a great deal of the first part, but assures us it was mainly chanting of some kind, possibly Latin.

Soon after Major Carter was in a position to overhear, the chanting stopped, and Subject 6 asked for “The Key”. Subject 3 stepped forward, announced “I am the key. This I do, of my own free will. Ow!”. It’s not sure what took place at this point, but blood traces found on the ramp later suggest that a body part, possibly a finger was cut. Videotapes from the cameras fixed on the gate confirm that at this point the normal blue event horizon turned to a green colour. Various pleased noises and exclamations came from the people in front of the gate. They then moved up the ramp and slowly stepped into the gate’s field. Subject 5 staggered in, more or less under his own power.

Finally, the only one left was Subject 1, who turned back and yelled up to the control centre “Nice place you’ve got here! Sorry about the mess, but we had to use this as soon as possible.” Subject 1 turned to go, then added “Oh yeah, I’m keeping a couple of these zattie things by the way. They’re great!” Subject 1 then proceeded through the Stargate which then closed down.

It was at this point in time that the scheduled Stargate arrival of the diplomatic party to P2X – 733 occurred. General Hammond stepped through the Stargate, took one look round and demanded to know what had just happened. Major Carter attempted to explain to the best of her ability.

Section 5


Six individuals entered Stargate Command, assaulted most of the personnel, and used the Stargate to go to an unknown destination. Next to nothing is known about them. We have managed to locate a few fingerprints, a trace of blood and some handwritten notes on an extinct language.

They left with two zat guns, knowledge of the Stargate Program, its security and Earth’s dialing address. In addition, several soldiers are suffering severe bruising and Colonel O’Neill has a broken arm. Repairs to the control centre, lifts and Armory are estimated to be close to quarter of a million dollars at the moment. However, there have been no permanent injuries of any form to any individual that encountered these people. Dr Jackson’s research has actually been helped along.

In conclusion Sir, I would strongly recommend that all SG teams are warned to keep an eye out for these individuals on any off world missions, and that all records available to us are searched for them – both on and off world. Frankly Mr. President, I would also strongly hope that we do not encounter them again.

Major General G. Hammond, OIC Stargate Command

The End

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