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Spike and Xander's Excellent Hogwarts Adventure

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Summary: Pretty much what it says in the title.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Spike-Centered > Pairing: OthernashFR18613,659367,04814 Feb 0814 Feb 08Yes

Chapter One

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and JK Rowling are the ones who made them up. They own the lot of them.

Authors's Note: The story was written by myself and Cas


Xander got up for the millionth time in the space of one hour and walked around his apartment. He looked out the window, touched the fireplace mantle, opened the fridge and examined the contents, then returned to his seat on the sofa. Two minutes later he was up, checking the cupboards again, just in case they were suddenly empty.

"I have to get out of here," he sighed after the third time he peered into the fridge.

The only problem was that there was nowhere to go. The girls were having a girly night, the kind he had sworn never to take part in again. Having his boss see his toes painted cherry berry was an once-in-a-lifetime experience. Spike was probably already out, doing his vampirey thing and Giles would be...home! Xander grinned at the thought. He could go visit his good old friend, Giles!

About ten minutes later, he was ringing Giles's doorbell.

"Giles, ol' buddy, ol' pal whatcha doing?" he asked the moment the door was opened. Giles didn't look too excited to see him but then, Giles was Giles, all English and stiff-upper-lippy.

Giles pulled his glasses off, rubbed his eyes with is thumb and index finger, and put them back on.

"Right, of course. Just because Buffy has the night off, why should I expect to spend a nice quiet evening with a book and a hot toddy..." Cut off by the rude snort coming from inside the living room, Giles gave a defeated sigh. "His DVD player isn't working, what's your excuse?"

"I erm...wanted to see you?" Xander said hopefully.

"About what?"

"Let the boy in... he'll keep me busy, is what he'll do," Spike drawled from his place on the sofa.

To say he was exasperated was an understatement. Spike not only had no business monopolizing his DVD player and making himself at home, he had utterly no business inviting Xander in. And yet... when had that ever stopped the vampire. Jaw clenched tightly, Giles allowed Xander inside and closed the door.

"Sorry, Giles."

Xander sidled in, keeping as much distance as he could between him and Giles. With one last apologetic glance he plopped on the sofa next to Spike.

"Spike," he nodded in what he hoped was a cool manner. "Is that popcorn I smell?" he asked eagerly, cool quickly abandoned in favour of salty goodness.

"Mmm. With butter," the vampire agreed, giving Xander a heated look. Just in case it went over the boy's head, he added, "nice and slippery... slick," he said, smirking and raising a few fingers out of his stash to show Xander.

Xander blinked, quite still for a moment. Then suddenly he was blushing harder than he'd ever blushed before.

"I'll go help Giles make more," he said and quickly escaped to the kitchen.

Giles was leaning against the counter, sipping at a coffee made Irish the moment Spike had showed up. Xander's appearance had warranted another splash of whiskey. He loved the boy, really he did, but some times a man needed to be alone and relaxed, without any unresolved sexual tension in his surroundings. With both Xander and Spike in the room, relaxation was out the window.

"Yes, Xander?"

"Spike's hogging the popcorn. We need more," Xander said.

"Very well then," Giles sighed, accepting the inevitable.

Ten minutes later, Spike was studiously flipping through DVDs when Xander was all but thrown out of the kitchen. He looked up.

"You're nicely buttered too, are you? I can smell it." Letting that hang between them, he went back to the DVDs. "Let's see... what have we got here. Lost Boys, Matrix, X-men three, Bill Does Dug Hard And Fast, Transformers..." his piercing blue gaze met Xander's. "Something wrong, Harris? You look like you're about to choke."

"No, no, I'm fine," Xander managed to get his cough under control. "Maybe something erm...." non-suggestive, he wanted to say but Spike would have a field day with that.

"Oh, look, it's the last Harry Potter film. We should watch that. Definitely that one."

After all, how suggestive could it be? They were all too young to do anything, right?

"How did that film slip into my bloody pile?" Shaking his head in disbelief, Spike nudged it across the coffee table toward Xander. "Go on and stick it in. Mind the slippery fingers..."

He couldn't help wanting to get a rise out of Xander. For a long time, it had irked him that the boy pretended there was no fire between them. Then one day, he'd decided to just play with the fire, and life was good. He'd shock the boy, tease him, put thoughts into that pretty head of his... and he'd take the fact that Xander didn't avoid him as a good sign.

"I'm not! I didn't...I..." Xander caught sight of the sardonic look on Spike's face, "Whatever, let's just watch the film," he muttered.

Maybe he should have stayed home. After all, he could have watched DVDs just fine over there with no ex-evil vampires making fun of him. He set up the DVD then joined Spike on the couch, sitting as far away from him as possible.

"I... oh... alright," Spike mocked. "Pass the remote. Can't have you holding a phallic symbol like that, now can we?" When Xander didn't make a move toward it, Spike was forced to move closer and grab it from him. Then he sat back, and hit play.

"Harris. The telly screen is over there."

"Shut up," Xander muttered. He stared resolutely at the screen and pretended to ignore Spike. He watched the film and chewed mechanically on his pop corn, all the time intensely aware of every move Spike made. And that was before the comments started.

Spike licked the salt off his finger and started to watch the film. He was fully prepared to hate it... what with all the children in it. And witchcraft, not the real sort. And strange looking characters... particularly Harry Potter's family. But a half hour later, he was quite engrossed in the story, and moving closer to Xander.

"They could have had better looking teachers. A bit of adult eye candy wouldn't hurt, yeah?"

"I don't know," Xander mused, absently licking at a finger, "Snape is fairly hot. And Sirius isn't too bad either."

"Snape? You sure your other eye hasn't gone blind? And who the bloody hell is Sirius? Never mind, go back to licking your fingers, I'm enjoying that quite a bit." And he wasn't joking, not one bit. He'd need to find a way to feed him, and maybe slip his own finger into the mouth of his.

"Sirius is the guy with the curly hair and the beard," Xander said, fighting down the blush threatening to take over his whole body. He casually grabbed a couple of tissues from the end table and wiped the remaining butter off. "Now hush and watch the film."

"Right... watch the film..." but watching the kleenex stick to Harris' fingers was giving him such dirty thoughts. Right... no need to scare the boy, even if there was nothing wrong with dirty thoughts. Or deeds. Deeds were good...

Silence reigned again as they both focused on the film. Xander tried every trick he knew to ignore Spike but still, every time the blond moved, Xander would be very much aware of it. Not even Cedric Diggory could get his thoughts away from Spike for too long, pretty though the actor was.

"Hmmm" Spike frowned, then turned his head toward Xander, only vaguely aware Giles had come inside the room and was rifling through papers.

"What?" Xander asked, eyes never leaving the screen.

"It's getting much more interesting now that I've figured those two out. They don't hate each other at all. They're doing each other...." he watched as Draco spat venom at Harry, and smirked. "Draco's bloody well doing Harry after hours... who marketed this as a children's film?"

The popcorn went down the wrong way sending Xander into a choking fit.

"What?!" he demanded as soon as he was able to speak. "That's sick Spike! They're, like, fifteen!"

"Didn't know a boy's cock didn't start to work until he came of a certain age." His gaze dropped to Xander's lap. "Did you have that sort of problem?"

Giles dropped his papers and left the room as quietly and quickly as he could.

"What?!" Xander exclaimed once more. He was beginning to feel like a parrot. "I mean, no! I mean, that was different. I was fifteen, I couldn't think it was...and now I'm twenty five and it's icky."

He nodded fervently.

"Icky," he repeated firmly.

"If you say so." Spike took another handful of the popcorn and brought it to his mouth. For once, he wasn't joking. "But I tell you, there's some serious sexual tension between them. I know these things. Harry wants him... bad, but he's playing at hating him for his friends' sake. Draco knows he gets him with the flick of that silly wand... so he plays along. So long as he gets sex, he's happy, and so is little Mr. Draco."

"Oh my God, you did not just say that."

Xander reached out to grab the remote off the table. He would pause the movie before Spike corrupted his brain even more and somehow convince the big fat perve that Draco and Harry were pure as pure could be. Spike was faster than him though and instead of grabbing the phone Xander grabbed one of Giles's funky little paperweights.

Effortlessly twirling the remote about his fingers, Spike continued as if Xander had never spoken. "Look at how Draco's moving his lips...exaggerated motions, those... code for 'get on your knees.'" Nodding, he looked back. "What have you got there? You're not going to throw it at the telly, are you? Giles would be a bit upset."

"Please just...shut up! I'm telling you Draco and Harry are just enemies! That's all," he waved the paperweight around as he gesticulated; "I'll show you!"

"How? How do you think you're going to show me? Oh, just because they don't shag on the screen?" Spike gave a rude snort. "Those are the bits of film that ended up on the cutting room floor. Can you imagine the outrage from the mothers, the do-good brigade, the bible thumpers, and from one Xander Harris? Give me that," leaning over, he snatched the strange looking thing out of the boy's hand.

"That's not true."

Xander made a grab for the paperweight.

"No way are they involved. They hate each other," Xander snapped. He began to say 'Just like us' but had the sense to stop before he proved Spike's point.

"HA!" Moving the gadget just out of reach, Spike got a strange thrill watching Xander's frustration mount. He moved it to the side, and then brought it close to his body. When Xander moved in, Spike mimicked his actions, and brought his mouth only inches away from Xander's.

"So, you don't think they get breathless when they think about the moments they'll find to be alone? You don't think Draco wants to steal a kiss... that Harry's heart bangs so hard he thinks he might have a heart attack each time Draco comes this close to making good on that kiss? Wish there were a way to show you..."

Xander leaped towards Spike to grab the paperweight and somehow managed to land on a cold stone floor.

"What the hell?!" he exclaimed, then his eyes widened in shock. "This isn't my voice! This isn't even my accent!"
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