Title: What the?!
Fandom: Harry Potter/BTVS
Summary: What if McGonagall managed to convince Albus that the muggles were no good for Harry. That’s good right?! Well she wished she didn’t when she found out how Dumbledore planed to get Harry protected by blood wards . . . A Lottery, a magical lottery for all the good witches and wizards to have a chance to be Harry Potter’s parent. Golden tickets would be given to those of good heart and pure intentions toward Harry, and the winner would become pregnant with the famous baby. What if Xander somehow got a ticket? Slash and other.
Disclaimer: DON’T OWN ANYTHING SEEN HERE! NO MONEY MADE! DON’T OWN!
Author notes & Warnings: might have Female/Female or Male/Male. I have No Beta. Be afraid, I’m a moody scatter brained nut of a girl. ^_- My mood affects my writing. I warn you it could get scary . . .And maybe a little out of order.
Groaning Xander slowly got out of bed; he held both his stomach and back since they both ached like hell. His stomach muscles kept cramping, his back felt tight, and his hips felt like someone had stuck hot pokers in them. Pushing his blanket away he gasped in shock, his stomach was protruding! Only yesterday it was as flat as a board of wood! Feeling at his stomach Xander gently pushed and suffered a little panic attack when he felt something move inside!
“Oh shit! I have a demon parasite!”
Driving was near impossible for Xander, his hands were shaking and his heart was thumping hard in his chest. Now that he was concentrating on his belly he could feel little movements inside, it felt like he swallowed a live goldfish and it was now swimming around in his stomach thrashing and hitting his belly walls. He was freaking so bad he could hardly see the road in front of him. Every little flutter had him jerking, and looking at his stomach made him pant.
‘I need to talk to Giles, need a spell or something!?’ All he could really think about was that movie Alien and that scene where the baby alien burst out of that guy’s chest. Xander could picture it clearly in his mind, could just imagine a demon doing the same thing to him! Could picture it stretching his belly, its sharp teeth shredding him open, the blood, gore, bone sticking out, and him alive long enough for it to start eating the incubator!
Xander was trying to think of every demon he knew of that needs to breed with humans. Every one of them fatal to the unlucky women! Woman! Xander was not a girl and had no uterus! No womb inside the Xan-man!
The Xander had another thought . . .A spell! He could be under a horrible evil spell! Maybe Willow did it? Yeah! It happens . . . sorta.
Pulling into Giles parking lot with a screech Xander jumped out of his car before it fully stopped and ran to Giles apartment door. Banging on the door with more force then was really needed, Xander waited one whole minute before banging again.
“Good lord! What is it?!! Who the bloody hel- oh Xander what is it? Are you all right? How was your road trip? You look a little pale?” Said Giles as he adjusted his glasses.
“Giles, I think a demon got me preggers!”
Xander sat in the chair silently, silently panicking. Willow, Giles, and Tara were poking at his belly while a wide-eyed Buffy and Dawn watched. Giles sat back with a sigh. “I Just don’t know Xander . . . of course you’re a little round around the middle but you were like that before you left. This could be nothing but a bad food reaction.”
“Food reaction Giles?! Really?! I don’t think so! My stomach was flat yesterday and now it looks like I finished an entire turkey dinner myself! And there’s movement inside!” Xander yelled as he grabbed Giles hand and placed it on his belly just under his belly button.
“Xander calm down this is-Bloody hell?!” Giles said with a frown on his face. “Willow? Did you do any spells on Xander lately?”
Willow blushed and started to stutter like her blond girlfriend. “Just a small protection spell! Nothing else promise!”
Giles started cleaning his glasses and didn’t look too convinced. “We’ll see then won’t we. Willow get the blue spell book from my room please.”
Nodding Willow did just that and returned a moment later. “Here you go Giles! When did you get this book? I haven’t seen it before? Could I look at it when we are done?”
Giles took the book from Willow and started to leaf through it. “I bought it a few days ago from a warlock friend of mine. Of course you haven’t seen it, it’s a dangerous book, not something for magic users just starting out. And no you may not look at it later, young lady!”
Willow’s bright smile dropped.
Flipping through the book Giles finally stopped at a page in the center. “This should work.”
“What? Are you going to get rid of it G-man?” Xander asked with a worried frown.
“No. This is a diagnosis spell. It will tell us what is wrong with you and WHO made said wrong.”
“Why is that in a dangerous book? Doesn’t sound like a hard spell.” Said Buffy and Willow nodded with a pout on her face.
Giles answered absentmindedly as he gathered the ingredients for the little spell. “Because one word stumble or said incorrectly can cause fatal or permanent damage to spell caster or the spelled.”
Xander’s eyes widened. “The spelled? Me the spelled! Like what? What fatal damage?!”
“I could permanently turn you into a horse for one, or change your sex, or even opened a portal inside your chest if the spell is done incorrectly. I had read about a poor fellow with a portal inside his chest. No one could brush against his right nipple or they would be sucked into another dimension. Oh, I could accidentally caste the spell on myself that is one of the only harmless mistake one can make with this spell. I could teleport myself, one warlock even turned himself inside out!” Giles said absentmindedly as he place a circle of black herbs around Xander.
Xander started to stand. “Maybe it is just a reaction to food! Wow! Thanks for the help guys I’ll be going now! Have to job hunt and things like that.”
Xander tried to step over the circle only to have Buffy and Giles sit him back down. “Sorry Xan but my slayer sense is tingling. We might have to slay your belly.”
Xander covered said belly with his hands. “You going to stake me?!”
Buffy patted Xander on the shoulder. “No, just your belly.”
Xander glared. “Still apart of me.”
Giles cleared his throat and started the spell in a gravely gurgled language. He sounded like a cross between a baby learning how to speak and a man hocking up some phlegm. At the last gurgled word Giles threw some feathers and what looked like dirt at Xander’s feet.
Flicking a grey feather off his shoe Xander looked at Giles, questions in his eyes. “Well G-man? Did it work or did I take a dirt bath for no reason?”
“Hm?” Giles said not really paying much attention to Xander, he seemed to be hearing things the others couldn’t. “Oh the spell did work Xander.”
Xander shifted in his seat. “Well?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. The spell told me you need to drink more water and you're nine weeks pregnant! I think the magic in the spell even said ‘congratulations’!”
“Oooook . . . “ Breathed Xander, he didn’t really know what to say to that. His heart was pounding too loudly in his ears and he was starting to feel faint.
“Do I slay Xander’s belly now?” Asked Buffy as she twirled her lucky stake about.
“We need to find out what it is first! And WHO did this to Xander.” Giles said as he wiped his glasses with a cleaning cloth. “I don’t understand?! The spell should have told us what is wrong, it should’ve told us what kind of demon did this!”
“Didn’t it say anything else? Like who I should kill for knocking me up?!” Xander squeaked.
Giles shrugged as he looked over the blue book. “It said something about a Dumbly and a door. And something about Merlin and wizards. I couldn’t understand the whispers at the end very well.”
“A Dumbly door? Wizards?” Xander asked in a lost mumble. “What now?”
“I-I think I h-have a s-spell that might w-work . . .” Tara said softly like a mouse as she pulled her personal spell book from her backpack.
“Really baby? What spell? Can I see?” Willow bounced.
Tara smiled shyly. “It’s a pregnancy spell. It will tell us if the b-baby is ok . . . It will make Xander’s stomach g-glow one of five colors. Blue if it is human and healthy, red if it is evil, purple if it’s not human or has magic, green if it is sick, and black if it is dead or dying. It’s v-very simple.”
“Then please do the spell Tara! We all would like to know what we’re dealing with.” Giles said as he motioned for Tara to come up and do the spell.
Fidgeting with the pages Tara spoke in a wobbly voice. “Great mother hear my call . . . Resitucku machico vivouns . . . Give a sign for me and all . . . Resitucku lomusoman vivouns lita . . .Tell me what grows inside . .Aoui nicoom lita . . .What does that soul have to hide? Nicoom lita!” With that said Tara stepped forward and touched Xander’s belly.
Xander shifted uneasily under everyone’s heavy stare, but didn’t look away from his own stomach. HE really wanted to know what was going on! When the glow started forming Xander couldn’t help but frown . . .Blue. Blue light, a tight and bright ball of blue light was forming in his center.
Buffy cleared her throat and looked real baffled. “Do I say congrats or I’m very sorry?”
Merkat:Short I know. Next chapter is almost done! So maybe next week I'll have another chapter out! My story won't have much to do with the wizarding world till Harry grows up. This first story will be about Xander and Harry and all the trouble they can get into as father and son. I'm also thinking about pairing Xander with Sev . . . maybe Spike.