The Man(?) They Call Jayne
by P.H. Wise
Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly. I don't own Buffy. These are Joss's babies. Don't blame me for this one. This is a Joe-inspired crackfic.
"I hate you! I hate you, you bastard!" the beautiful, mostly unclothed young woman screamed at the top of her lungs as Jayne walked out the front door of her house, shaking his head.
It was always some gorram thing.
She'd been eager enough back at the bar, but come morning, it was time to get back to the ship and he wasn't keen on the thought of taking more womenfolk along with him, particularly not ones who hadn't been more 'n a quick rutting in between stops. One night stand, he supposed they called it on the core worlds. Course, Jayne was never one to care what they called things on the core worlds. No, Jayne's cares were few and far between. Right now, they centered on gettin' back to Serenity with his skin intact.
"Wo xi wang ni man man si, dan kuai dian xia di yu!" she shrieked after him, her voice echoing even in the crowded streets of Persephone.
Jayne raised an eyebrow at that. Damn. Why 'n was he the one what always wound up with the crazy ones? There she was, shoutin' after him at the top of her lungs in the middle of the slums that surrounded the Eavesdown docks until he'd passed out of sight but not out of mind.
He breathed a sigh of relief once she was safely behind him, and there was Kaylee all in yellow, sunnin' herself out in front of Serenity. Well, at least that gorram doctor boyfriend of hers wasn't nowhere nearby. There was nothing what annoyed Jayne quite like Simon, unless it was River.
"Mornin' Jayne!" Kaylee chirped cheerfully.
He gave a noncommital grunt in response and ambled on up the ramp into the ship.
Now, if things had gone a bit differently, Jayne wouldn't a thought another thing about the young woman (whose name he had already forgotten) what had been screaming at him on his way out of her apartment. Unfortunate for him, what she'd said had been noticed, and by the sort of folk you never wanted it noticed by. Blocks away from Serenity, Anya pondered the wish that the young woman had made: "Wo xi wang ni man man si, dan kuai dian xia di yu..." she murmured appreciatively. "That's pretty good." She looked thoughtful. "But how exactly to make it happen..."
She thought about it for a good long time, giving some careful consideration to the matter. The slowest possible death, she supposed, was old age. But Jayne also needed a quick ride to hell. So what would Jayne Cobb consider as hell? ... Anya smiled. "Wish granted," she said, clapped her hands, and vanished.
It happened all at once while they were takin' supper on board Serenity. It was decent faire for once, though that wasn't all that surprising considerin' they'd only just left Persephone behind them. Meals were always best just after leaving planetside. But there they were, picking at their pasta with meatballs and marinara, with real, genuine bread to garnish it, and strawberries for desert, when out of the black came a sudden flash of light centered on the person of one Jayne Cobb.
When Jayne came back to his senses, the first thing he realized was that the others were starin' his way in a calm-damaging sort of way.
"Ta ma duh...!" Mal hissed.
"Oh my..." Simon said, unable to complete his sentence.
Kaylee stared open-mouthed, and even Zoe looked downright perplexed at what she was lookin' at.
"I got somethin' on my face?" Jayne asked. He blinked. Hold on a minute. That hadn't sounded like his voice. It was too high and soft-like. He grabbed his throat, and if he didn't notice the newfound lack of an adam's apple, well, he'd never been the quickest to the chase. "What'n the gorram hell is wrong with my voice?"
It was Zoe who broke the silence next: "... I always figured Jayne should have been a girl's name," she said, absolutely straight faced.
Jayne glared. "What are you goin' on about?"
"Jayne's a girl, a girl, a girlygirlygirl," River sang, and pirhouetted gracefully around her chair.
"River!" Simon said.
She shot her brother a sheepish look. "Well it's true," she said.
"What?" Jayne asked, thoroughly stunned. Now that he thought about it, his center of gravity did seem a bit off. He looked down at his chest. Her chest.
Silence hung heavily over the bridge as Jayne stared at her own chest, and the rest of the crew stared at Jayne. It went on for almost a minute before Kaylee couldn't bear it any longer and finally spoke up.
"Well, don't just stand there like a dummy! Say something!"
Jayne stared. She was a girl. She looked up and caught her reflection off a piece of dinnerwear. She was a really HOT girl: easily a match for Kaylee or River. What's more, her new body looked about River's age. She stared at her own breasts again.
She was a girl.
River's age. River and her...
Jayne looked up, tryin' to figure what to say at a time like this. The silence lasted easily another thirty seconds, untill...
"I'll be in my bunk."
After reading one too many gender-blender fics, the genre had it coming.
Please don't hurt me.