A Bad Joke
Summary: “So the Grim Reaper, the First, and this little blonde girl meet in a bar. No, Buffy, it’s not a joke. Did I mention the Uber-vamps? What?” Sequel to: “The evilest being”
Disclaimer: I do not own either Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy; they belong to their respective creators and companies.
Xander Harris turned confused when a young girl walked into one of the toughest demon bars in town. She walked up to the bar and struggled into one of the stools. He leaned closer, hoping to catch some words.
“Welcome back, Mistress Mandy.” The scaled demon behind the bar greeted.
“Hey, Carl.” She returned in a bored tone. “Give me a shot, no make it a double.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Xander watched, wondering what type of demon she was or if she was a vampire. He saw Carl produced the shots, which looked to be full of milk. Mandy took the first shot like it was alcohol. As she slammed the cup down the door opened again.
Xander’s eye widened as the First––somehow Xander knew it was the First–– and the Grim Reaper entered. “Ah, der you are, Mandy.” The grim reaper said in a Jamaican accent.
“Where else would I be, Grim? With Eris?”
The Grim reaper huffed, it skull moving like an actual face, disturbing Xander even after all his years demon fighting, and sat down next to Mandy. The First looked oddly disturbed. When he/it caught sight of Xander it coughed.
“Mistress Mandy, could I ah attend to Billy this evening?”
“Why? Billy’s joining us.” Mandy snapped. “Sit down!”
Xander stared in horror as the First, the greatest and first evil, obeyed and cowered. “Are you sure about dis, Mandy?” Grim asked her. “I don’t think the demon in Billy’s body is any smarter than he was.” Vampire? Xander readied his stake as the First kept shooting him glances.
As a chorus of screaming began to be faintly heard in the bar and only increase, a few of the demons began looking around nervously. When Xander thought his was going to go deaf, it stopped and in entered four Uber vamps like those under Sunnydale and a small redheaded mini uber (was that a contradiction?) vamp in the center. Xander briefly wondered how stupid it was to go out, to a demon bar, alone and certain that he was going to die when the stupid, that is redhead, vamp spoke cheerily.
“Hi Grim! Hi Mandy! Hi Firsty!” The four uber vamps moved restlessly. “Say hi to my new friends! This is Joe, Barny, Bart, and Bert!” He said pointing to the vamps randomly. Xander was certain Uber-Vamp #3 was both Bert and Joe according to the mini-vamp.
The girl at the counter sighed. “What happened to your other friends?”
“They explodes in the sun!”
The First looked ready to scream. “You took my minions in the sun?!” It shrieked instead.
“First, can it. They’re my minions now and I can have Billy destroy as many of them as I want!”
“How dare you!” The First shrieked. “I am the First Evil! I ruled this sniveling dimension before there was even an atom of you!”
“I said can it!” the blonde snarled with her own force. The First sank onto the chair and sulked. Xander saw the small vampire shrieking and ‘playing’ with the uber-vamps. That was a frightening sight.
As he was preparing to leave, along with at least 7/8’s of the crowd, the door flew open and another blonde came in. This one was a fully grown woman, dressed in an outfit reminiscent of Roman times. Xander wondered if this woman was the blonde’s mother for a moment, even if they looked nothing alike.
“Ah, Mandy darling, there you are.” She said in an arrogant tone. “I wanted to talk to you about your newest acquisition,” she said turning to the First. Xander caught the uneasy tone in her voice. “You’re messing with the natural order dear,”
“Ah, can it Eris, I heard it before from that Whistler guy.” She smirked. “I don’t need to here it from you.”
“I don’t have a choice,” Eris said annoyed, “They,” she said pointing up. “are making me.”
“Eris, you’re a goddess, are you telling me there are things that can tell you what to do?”
Eris flipped her hair back. “I’m not a particularly strong goddess,” She huffed in an annoyed tone. “I’m just doing my job. I’m not sure why they just didn’t send Hermes, that brat’s been whining for years that he has no use but no, they send me.” She huffed again.
“Now, can you tell me how you got the First here under your grasp?”
“I willed it.” Mandy snapped..
“I see.” Eris said with another flip of her hair. “Well, I can’t see what I can do. I’ll go tell them that.” Eris said cheerfully as the air around her shimmered and she vanished.
Mandy didn’t bother saying anything. As another shot of milk was laid out in front of her, Vampire Billy was decapitating another one of his friends, Xander was sure it was Bert-Joe. Uber-Vamps 1 and 4 were moving towards the First in what Xander would say was pleading. The First merely looked at them forlornly.
“Thanks, Carl. I needed that.” Mandy said quietly. She looked at Grim. “Grim, go take Billy home. It’s past his bedtime.” The Grim Reaper looked like he wanted to both kill her and cry but obeyed.
“Come on, Billy.” The small vampire vamped out and the Grim shrieked.
“I scared Grim!” It shrieked in laughter. “I scared Grim! Did you see that Bob?” He asked Uber Vamp 1. The Uber Vamp snarled. The Grim Reaper herded Billy with is scythe out the door, the vamps followed.
Then all that was left was Mandy, The First, and Xander as the bar had emptied in between Eris’s and Mandy’s talk. Xander was eyed by Mandy, Xander took that as a sign to go. He didn’t know what this Mandy was but he wasn’t going to sit around and be ‘acquiesced’ by her either. He slapped a few bills on the table and turned to leave giving
the First one final glance.
“And that’s what happened.” Xander said as Buffy, Faith, Giles, Dawn, Willow, and Robin stared at him dumbfounded.
“You have to be kidding.” Dawn said.
“No, kidding would be “Hah! You guys fell for it!” this could be if I was “I killed all your relatives, isn’t that funny?” kind of way but I’m not that deranged.” Xander replied, he pulled out a few pictures.
“I got these from Carl, the bartender, he uses security cameras” The pictures were of a small blonde girl with no nose, in the pictures at least, snarling at a cowering First. Buffy took one look at the photograph and wondered what kind of hell this girl could unleash.
“Research guys, there has got to be something on this “Mandy” somewhere.” Willow instructed. Xander sighed, he should have kept his mouth shut. Research, he shivered. Was there anything worse —in the none fatal sense––in the world?