Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
The Haunting (1963 version)
1. The Heathers, Heathers
“You have got to be kidding me,” Cordelia Chase said in disbelief, looking at the three sneering girls before her with a dismay that bordered on anguish. “YOU THREE are the most popular girls in the school?! But LOOK at you! What kind of fashion example are you setting?! I mean, GOD! Shoulder pads?! Hair bows?! Teased hair?! What, are you going for the Linda Ronstadt look? And you know, tans are in now, what is with all the paleness? If you don’t watch it someone will mistake you for vampires, girls. That’s a problem in Sunnydale, it keeps all the tanning beds well-stocked. Because people don’t want that undead pallor, you know? Even if there wasn’t the vamp thing to think about, I STILL wouldn’t. And hey, what’s with you all being named Heather? Heather, Heather, Heather, not exactly original, you know? Don’t you ever get confused? Forget who’s who?”
She paused to take a breath shaking her head in disbelief.
“God, if you girls are the school fashion templates, what do the losers wear? Garbage bags?”
2. The X-Men
“What is it with superheroes and leather?” Cordelia asked stridently, her eyes meaningfully scanning the figures of Storm, Wolverine, and Rogue before her. Professor X, who was watching her with seeming serenity from his wheelchair sans a leather outfit, she ignored entirely.
“I mean, come on, is leather really the best combat clothes material? I’m all about appearances, but it’s just not really that practical, is it? Yeah, it’s cool and sexy and it makes you look tough, but are the bad guys really any more scared of you if you’re wearing leather? They usually wear leather too, you know? Don’t you guys ever get confused about whose side you’re on? And doesn’t it get all sweaty and hot and stick to you when it’s hot out? And what about if it rains? Hello, ruined!”
She paused in her own ramble to look more closely at her companions, who had been looking at her with more than a little annoyance and confusion.
“Hey, don’t take this the wrong way, but what is it with the hair here? You-“ she pointed at Wolverine- “the pointy bits, what’s up with that? And you- Rogue, is that what you call yourself? Like Wesley and his delusions of being a rogue demon hunter? Or a rogue vampire slayer? What’s with the skunk streaks, not exactly cool. Are you going for the punk look? Isn’t leather punk enough for you?”
She turned to Storm. “And hey, this isn’t a race thing so don’t get all huffy with me. But the platinum hair thing, is so doesn’t go with being black. Maybe a nice caramel color would work, but white- no. And this guy-“ she gestured at Professor X- “he doesn’t even HAVE hair! You guys are seriously in need of a stylist.”
She paused, measuring their reactions, then said hopefully, “So… got a job opening, by any chance?”
3. The Craft, Nancy
“Do you really think you can scare me, just by dressing all wannabe bad chick and giving me evil looks?” Cordelia said in disbelief to the glaring girl in front of her. “Not a chance, Nance. So you’ve got the black clothes and lipstick and white face powder stuff going- so you’re doing your hair like it got caught in a hurricane, like it actually looks cool that way. You know Nancy, most people do that by ACCIDENT. Seriously though, you think if you dress like a vampire you’re gonna freak me out? No way, Jose. Until you get the pointy teeth and the grrr face going, you’re just another loser who wants to make herself feel important. Even if you WERE a vampire, you think I’d be really worried? Buffy would dust your ass, no problem. I’ve staked all kinds of the fang gang myself.”
As Nancy’s pale eyes narrowed with hatred and she pointed, beginning to shriek the opening lines of a hex, Cordelia rolled her eyes.
“Okay, the witch routine isn’t scary either. Hello! If WILLOW ROSENBERG is a witch, how intimidating can they be?”
4. The Haunting, Theodora and Eleanor
“Okay, the real issue here is not whether or not Hill House is haunted,” Cordelia stated loudly, looking between her two female companions, Theodora and Eleanor, with impatience and exasperation. “Of course it’s haunted, and we should probably all do something about that eventually, such as leave. But the more pressing issue right now it the way heavy sexual tension between you two.”
“Sexual tension? What are you talking about? Are you accusing me- there is no such thing, you’re crazy! This is crazy!” Eleanor squawked, her voice and expression nearly hysterical.
Theodora looked at Cordelia coolly, arching a dark eyebrow.
“I’M not tense, darling. Nell here though, why it’s all she can to keep her eyes-“
“Shut up, Theo! You’re a MONSTER!” Eleanor shrieked, her plain face paling, eyes bulging.
Cordelia rolled her eyes, unimpressed.
“Look, could you just chill out and have sex already?” she snapped. “Nobody cares if you two are gay together, just as long as you do it behind closed doors. Because otherwise I might gag. Lock the doors too, okay? Oh, and Eleanor, can I tell you, wearing a little makeup now and then and doing something about your hair would do a lot to move you out of Frumpy Land. Honestly Theo, for a young woman with good lucks and style, why would you be attracted to someone who wears polyester?”
5. Saw, Amanda
“So I see you have the psycho killer thing going for you,” Cordelia said bluntly, looking up and down at the young woman before her, who was currently panting, wild-eyed, and covered with the blood of a recent kill. “Isn’t it a pain to wash out all that blood all the time? What’s your excuse for it anyway, Amanda? You know, that doesn’t really sound like a psycho killer name. But then again, neither did Faith’s name. Faith, that’s supposed to go along with hope and charity, not to mention religion. NOT die and stab and maim. SOMEONE screwed up naming that girl. “
As Amanda snarled, making as if to lunge at her, Cordelia held up a hang, raising an eyebrow.
“Whoa, anger girl, slow down. I asked you a question. What’s your excuse for the knife happiness? Bad childhood? That was Faith’s. If you’re trying to model yourself after her or something, good luck. Honestly, you’re just not cleavage-y and ooh-look-five-by-five-y enough. And I mean,you’re not even wearing leather! You don’t even look like a leather kind of girl. Nope, you don’t make a very good psycho killer. Especially since you didn’t kill your victim,” Cordelia said, nodding brightly behind her.
As Amanda whirled around, Cordelia took the opportunity to hit her upside the head with a nearby heavy object, causing her to crumple to the floor.
“Nope,” Cordelia repeated, standing over the would-be-murderess’s supine form. “Nope, even Faith didn’t fall for that one.”