Disclaimer: I do not own these characters
Meet Joe Black
1. Rogue, X-Men
“Will you stop all your whining already?” Anya Jenkins snapped, giving the young, leather clad superhero before her a very pointed stare. “Look, I get it, you are devastated. You can’t touch anyone, therefore you can’t have the pleasurable experiences of French kissing and sexual intercourse and playing Mistress of Pain. But look on the bright side. No guy can stick his AIDS-infected penis inside you without making himself a lot worse off than you are. Actually no one can hurt you period, without you flinging it back into their face a thousand times over. So if a guy breaks your heart, wham! You can break his back, plus a lot of bones and vital organs as well. You’d make a great vengeance demon,” Anya concluded thoughtfully, more than a little envy coloring her tone.
“And about the sex. Maybe you can’t have sex with a man, but you can still have pleasurable orgasms. Want me to tell you about some good masturbation methods, Rogue?”
2. Meet Joe Black, Joe Black
“You’re Death? Really?” Anya said bluntly, looking Joe Black up and down. “Where’s the hood and skeleton hand and sickle? You’re not showing your real face, are you? I know how that is. I used to be a vengeance demon, the humans get a little scared if you show a face that’s not smooth and young and visually pleasing. Look how they treat the old people here, that’s solid proof. Speaking of old, why don’t we strike up a deal here? Don’t take me away for another 500 years, and don’t make my body get all old and wrinkly. It is way too hot for that see, and I don’t think the whole dying thing would be much fun. I’ve seen it happen, it isn’t pretty. So don’t let me die and I’ll tell you all about how to use your new human body to achieve pleasurable orgasms. Because you’re cute, but something tells me you need instruction,” she said, eyeing Joe critically.
3. Tru Calling, Tru
“So you save people?” Anya repeated, staring at the attractive young morgue attendant before her with a frown. “How does that work?”
“Well, like I said, they ask me for help, and my day rewinds-“ Tru Davies began, but Anya cut her off.
“They ask you with their cold, dead, stiff, mutilated and burnt-off lips?” Anya said in obvious disbelief. “Are you sure you’re not just crazy? Hearing things, seeing things? Do you have a boyfriend? Or at least an orgasm friend?”
Tru did a double take, staring at the apparently quite serious woman with shock.
“Well if you don’t that might explain it. If I didn’t have my Xander giving me pleasurable orgasms every night, I might go a little wacky too,” Anya said intently.
As Tru narrowed her eyes at her, seeming to have no idea what to say or do to her, Anya jumped on to her next concern.
“They’re not vampires, these talking dead people, are they?” she said with sudden suspicion. “Trying to trick you or something? Little bastards. See, if a dead person talks and their face is all scrunched up and ugly and they have big sharp pointy teeth, don’t go save them. That means they’re a vampire. Never, never save a vampire. They will end human life. And now that I am a human I don’t appreciate anything that threatens me and my exceptionally short life and my opportunities to have sex and make money,” Anya said seriously.
She paused for a moment, tilting her head as another thought struck her.
“No vampires, yeah… but what is your policy on ex-vengeance demons? Because if you’re not crazy and you really do this save dead people thing, then if I ask you, you have to save me. Okay?” Anya demanded, her voice worried.