Title: The pain of loss
Main pairing: Xander/Dean
Disclaimer: All I have is the idea to this story. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all things related belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Supernatural is all Eric Kripke and the CW network.
AN: This is my first ever piece of fanfiction. Also, English isn’t my first language. So, please, do tell me what you think, and I very much welcome ideas for the story.
”I’m always here for you. I won’t ever forget what you’ve done. Thank you for the love.”
It didn’t hurt to hear those words then. To know that the only one I’ve felt this strongly for would leave. That I’d never have what we had again.
He said he’d always be there, but we both knew it was our last moment together. I would never call and neither would he. It was for the best. To avoid more hurt. We forced ourselves to let go and promised each other to move on.
We’d already sworn a blood oath the night before to always remember and never forget. It comforted me until he’d stepped into his car, driven off and was out of my sight.
Then I felt like my heart was clawed out of my chest. Like my gut was eaten and left as one big hole. Tears burned my eyes like acid but wouldn’t leave. Suddenly I felt so much pain. My body ached all over. And I knew it would never disappear completely. Not even if he came back. He’d already left.
I thought of his happy smile. The one that made him look like a five year old. His eyes would shine too and you knew he was being silly. You’d shake your head then and smile back. What else could you do?
I wanted to hate him. To be angry so my grief didn’t have to be so great. So I could reduce my sorrow. I would have abandoned my life and gone with him, but he refused. Yet I couldn’t hate him. He didn’t want me to sacrifice myself for him.
But I could hate the car night as black which had taken him away. The one I’d repaired. That I’d spent many hours in and under the hood of. It was practically a wreck when I first saw the Impala and in perfect condition when it whisked away the most important thing I’d ever owned. I took care of that car and I taught him how to take care of her. I taught him why he should love her. I loved her but she betrayed me.
I almost wished I could forget. I wanted to deny my feelings. I wanted to erase that hate. Erase the grief, the sorrow and the anger that resulted of a broken heart. But then I’d have to forget the love and I wasn’t prepared to deny that feeling.