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Which Slayer?

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Summary: Spike and Dru find a device that lets them send people into TV shows. Set season 2. Written with Danielle.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Sabrina the Teenage WitchMediancatFR13111,075051,30127 Mar 0827 Mar 08Yes
Buffy created by Joss; Sabrina is the property of Hartbreak productions. This is the first crossover I ever wrote -- ten years ago, by now. This is being published not because I think it's my all-time best work (though I retain a fondness for all of my collaborations with Danielle) but because I thought it lost and wish to include for the sake of both nostalgia and completeness. This is being posted unchanged from its original appearance.

I have permission from Danielle to post any of our collaborations anywhere, and she has the same permission from me. We wrote it by simply switching off chapters.

X X X X X

"So what's on the schedule for tonight, G-Man?" Xander asked. Flanking him were, as might be expected, Willow, Buffy, and an annoyed Cordelia, which also might be expected.

"Nothing in particular tonight, Mr. Harris."

Buffy blinked in amazement. "NO prophecies? NO mysterious little critters attacking Sunnydale? Wow, I must be dreaming. Somebody pinch me." She reached around and grabbed Xander's arm as it snaked towards her hip. "Somebody ELSE pinch me . . .?" Cordy and Willow glared at Xander, who gave them both his patented "what, li'l ol' me?" look. They weren't buying it, and in unison gently slapped him on the cheek. He muttered an ouch, but kept grinning all the same.

"That won't be necessary, Buffy . . . even though there's no particular danger I'm aware of, that does not relieve you of the responsibility of --"

"Wasting the best years of my life strolling through a graveyard, I know." Buffy's protest was a familiar dance, done more to relieve tension than anything else.

Xander threw his arms around his three female friends. "Well, then," he said. "Are we Br--"

CUT TO:

Spike and Druscilla, looking into a bizarre crystal ball. What makes this particular ball "bizarre" is its propensity for picking up TV programs . . .

Spike asked Dru, "Are you QUITE through making your choice yet, Dru?"

"Ooh!" The crazy vampire exclaimed. "This one, this one!" Spike peered into the ball, then looked up at his love with a look of mild irritation.

"Dru, I've told you a hundred times, we CAN'T use Miami Vice! Not enough bloody characters. Pick another."

"Oh, Spike," Dru pouted.

"No, love. Pick another one. How about a comedy? I'm in the mood for a nice comedy, preferably something with lots of breaking bones."

"I've got it," Dru squealed. "This one!" Spike looked at the show in Dru's ball disgustedly, but couldn't think of a reason not to use it.

"Okay, love," he said tiredly, "Let's amalgamate." They placed the ball in between them, joined hands, and cast the spell.

CUT TO:

Xander throwing his arms around the three girls. "Well then," he said. "How about we go get some pizza?"

The cheerleader recoiled as though she'd been bitten by a snake. An ugly one. "Please! Like I'd spend time with you losers if it wasn't about saving the world. Unlike some of you," she looked pointedly at Willow, "I have a life." She walked out of the room.

Xander blinked. "That was --"

Willow interjected. "That was just Corby, being herself. We're lucky the snitch hasn't ratted us out to Principal Kryder yet." She looked at her boyfriend. "You'd better go to Bronze Pizza without us. I'm gonna join our Slaying friend for a few minutes first. Girl talk."

Xander walked out, sighing, wounded puppy-dog look on his face. "I NEVER get to go Slaying . . ."

Giles looked up from his desk. "Yes. It's patrol time. Besides, I still have all these test papers to grade." The two women looked over. "Including yours, Miss Summers, Miss Spellman," he said, pulling the test papers out of sight.

"The life of a high school science teacher, Giles." Willow grabbed her friend's arm. Principal Kryder was standing in the doorway, his typical disapproving look on his face.

"What have I told you about letting the students use your first name, Pool?" he admonished Giles. "Never mind. Summers, come with me. We need to have a long talk." He turned to Willow. "You're excused, Spellman."

"But --" Val Summers looked back helplessly.

"I'll -- figure something out." Willow Spellman walked out of the high school alone. Val was in trouble, so no Slaying action for a while. But there were always vamps . . . "I've got it!" She said perkily and cast a quick martial arts spell on herself. Hey, what was the point of being a teenage witch if you didn't get to use your powers to help your friends?

CUT TO:

Dru squealed to Spike, "Oh, it's on, it's on! Let's watch!"

Spike and Dru looked into Dru's ball.

A black cat ran in front of a window against a background of blue sky and thunderclouds, changed into a vampire, and walked off.

Suddenly a title sequence flashed:

WILLOW THE TEENAGE WITCH

A character list rolled by: Willow Spellman, Valerie Summers, Xander Harvey, Corby Chaseler, Giles Pool, Aunt Jenny, Aunt Joyce, Salem's Angel, and Principal Kryder.

(Spike to Dru. "Angel must've gotten caught in the backwash. Sorry, love." He grinned to himself as he said it, though.)

The ball now showed Willow Spellman standing in front of a mirror and magically altering her outfit several times. Finally, she settled on an oversized maroon sweater, long black skirt, and sensible shoes. She turned to the camera and said, "Hey, you go with what you know!"

Spike smiled at Dru. "This has got to be the best idea you've ever had, baby! Imagine, the Slayer and her pathetic human friends stuck in a television show!"

Dru looked a little sad. "But Spike, my Angel is stuck, too! We have to get him out, or SHE might slay him!"

"Sorry, princess, to get him out we'd have to break the whole spell. I guess poor Angel will have to deal with it. But c'mon, the show's coming back from commercials!" They both turned again to look into the crystal ball.

CUT TO:

Willow Spellman walking to the parking lot, running directly into her Aunt Jenny Spellman, the school's Computer teacher.

"Hi, Aunt Jenny! How's it going?"

"Fine. Where's your cousin?"

"Val got called to Principal Kryder's office. I think she's in trouble for falling asleep in class again."

"God, Joyce is going to ground her for the rest of her life! Can't she ever stay awake?"

"Well, I guess I could zap her with a non-sleeping spell. That would do the trick."

"Willow, how many times have your Aunt Joyce and I told you you can't randomly use your powers? As much as it would help Valerie in school, it would hurt her in the long run. Once you removed the spell she'd probably be asleep for days, and then what would we do if the vampires attacked?"

"I'd zap myself with a Martial Arts spell and take over for her, so she could get a few days rest! You know she deserves it."

"Yes, she does, but you aren't properly trained to take on her duties, Willow. That just wouldn't be a good idea." Willow, turned slyly away, knowing her Aunt Jenny would probably kick her butt if she knew Willow had already done exactly that. "Well, I guess I better go spring her from Principal Kryder's death grip. You wait here, and I'll be back in a minute to take the two of you home, so you better find Xander to see if he needs a ride, too."

"You aren't staying after to help Giles grade our tests?"

"No. We've got a date later, so I'm going to go home and get ready. I'll be back." She walked briskly toward the school. Willow opened her aunt's car and started to put her books away. A short, handsome, flame-haired guy stepped out of a large van and approached her.

"Hey, Willow!"

She looked at him, confused. "Do I know you?"

Oz paused, and laughed for a moment, playing along. "Yeah, I'm your favorite guitar-playing werewolf, remember?"

Willow Spellman stared at him as if he were crazy. "Huh? Werewolf? What are you talking about?"

Oz stopped smiling. "Will, it's me Oz. Your boyfriend! God, I know we haven't been seeing each other that long, but..."

"Look, Oz is it? You must have me confused with someone else. My boyfriend's name is Xander Harvey. And I don't know you, but I think you must have some real problems if you go around telling people you've never met before that you're a werewolf. Bye." She turned and walked in the same direction Jenny had gone a few minutes earlier.

Oz stood rooted to the ground. He must have missed somthing. When did Willow and I break up?, he wondered. And when did Xander change his last name to Harvey? And wait a minute, he thought looking around for the first time, this isn't Sunnydale. Where the heck am I?

CUT TO:

Dru and Spike looking at one another over the crystal ball. Spike was angry. "That red-headed squirt is a werewolf? We only cast the spell for the Slayer and her human friends! How the bloody hell did he get there? And why does he know who he really is?"

Drusilla looked at the book containing the spell. "I don't know, Spike. It doesn't say anything about werewolves."

Spike thought for a minute. "Damn! We cast the spell at dusk! And it's a full moon! He was half human and half-werewolf at the time, so the spell only half worked! He could blow the whole plan!!!"

"Don't worry Spike. They'll never believe him. They think that the TV show is real!"

Spike calmed down, then laughed. "You're right pet. They won't believe him. They'll just think he's mad, and ignore him. Oh, this ought to be good!" They chuckled and turned back to the action in the crystal ball.

CUT TO:

Val Summers, sitting across from principal Willem Kryder. The principal began, "You fell asleep in class three times today, Summers. Now, while my predecessor might have asked for an explanation --"

VOICEOVER:

"Gee, sorry about that, Principal Kryder," Val thought. "Sorry about those naps, but hey, at least I saved the world from total annihilation again. Doesn't that count for anything?"

"-- I frankly don't care. You're a disruptive influence, Summers, you and your cousin, and I'm going to find out why if it kills me." Val shifted in her seat uncomfortably.

CUT TO:

Spike and Dru. "Slayer's in trouble, Slayer's in trouble!" Dru cooed childishly. Then, in the ball, Jenny Spellman walked into the principal's office.

Spike started. "How the bloody blue blazes did SHE get in there anyway? Isn't she dead?"

"So are we, love," Dru reminded him. Spike nodded his head to pacify Dru, but still, he didn't like this unintended consequence. They continued watching.

CUT TO:

"Willem!" From behind her aunt Jenny's voice rang out authoratively. Val sagged with relief.

"Don't sag with relief yet, young lady." Aunt Jenny said. "Go wait outside with your cousin."

"But -- I wasn't --" Kryder began, but shut up as Aunt Jenny fixed a baleful eye on him.

She turned to the principal. "Now, Willem, you know Val's a good kid."

"I know nothing of the sort," he rasped. "Um -- is Joyce with you?" Kryder was attracted to Val's mother, Joyce Spellman Summers, but the feelings weren't reciprocated. Actually, at one point Joyce had said she'd "rather be eaten alive by giant trolls" than date Willem Kryder, so perhaps that's putting it mildly.

"No, Willem," Jenny said patiently. "Now, when are you going to get over this obsession with my nieces?"

"They're up to something, Spellman."

CUT TO:

Willow Spellman, walking towards the school building.

"AAAAHHHH!" A scream echoed from around the side of the building. A look of hesitation and indecision flashed on her face, then she relaxed. "Hey, that's what magic's for!" She ran around the side of the building, prepared for Slayage.

CUT TO VOICEOVER:

"Vampire Slaying, witchcraft, monster hunting, studying for several different kinds of exams at once, research, personal lives, but hey, who's counting?" thought Jenny Spellman.

"Yes -- living lives as teenagers. Now, please lay off them unless they do something really bad. OR--" She said firmly. "I'll see to it that Joyce never comes to school again. No PTA, no teacher meetings, nothing. You'll never see her again, and we don't want that, now do we, Willem? I control the school's computer system. I can make it happen."

"Not that! Anything but that!" He blurted. "But still, discipline --"

"I'll handle it, Willem." She walked out to the parking lot and found Val waiting impatiently by the car. The two of the them turned and ran when they heard the screams from the side of the school. They turned, said "Darn!" in unison, and ran towards the source.

CUT TO:

Oz driving around a vastly changed town. Suddenly he saw a . . . well, semi-familiar sign, at least. Down an alley was a bright sign proclaiming "Bronze Pizza." He slammed on his brakes and dashed in.

It was a cross between the Bronze and a cheesy pizza palace. Lit brighter than the Bronze ever was, with a pizza counter and a row of pinball machines where the pool tables should have been, it still had a familiar stage and balcony. Xander was sitting at a table chowing down, and Cordelia -- or someone that looked a lot like her, only about four inches shorter -- was talking to three girls Oz had never seen before.

"Xander?" he asked.

"Hey!" He said cheerily. A lot more cheerily than he should have said it. Xander -- at least the Xander he knew -- wasn't all that fond of Oz. Xander continued. "Um -- do I know you?"

"Obviously not. Sorry about that." Xander shrugged and went back to eating pizza.

Across the room, the Cordelia-ish person said, "Oz?"

Oz whipped his head around and stared at the Cordelia look alike. He gave her a look of disbelief and walked over. "Cordy?"

The three girls she was with gave him a look of annoyance. "Um, hello, her name is Corby, not Cordy!" one of them threw at him with disgust. "Oh my god, Corby, do you know this Nirvana wanna be?"

Corby looked at him with confusion. She had thought for a second that she knew him, but that moment was past. "Um, no way!" she replied to her friends. "I thought he was someone way cooler!" She got up and walked away, following her friends out of the pizza place, but still looked confused. At the door she stopped and turned back to look at Oz one more time, shook her head and followed them out.

Oz remained where he was. There was really no point in trying to talk to her if her friends were around. Just like the real Cordelia, he thought. But what the heck had just happened? She had recognized him, if only for a brief second. That meant that he wasn't the only one who remembered the real world. But Willow and Xander both didn't. Who else could he talk to? Buffy! Now where would she be? He looked at his watch. 6:35pm. The sun had just set, which meant there were likely to be Vampires around. And where was the best place to find a slayer at night? The cemetery! He ran out the front door of the pizza parlor and jumped into his van. Now if he could just find a cemetery...

CUT TO:

A dark alley next to the school. We see Willow about to engage two very ugly-looking Vamps in an all out fight. Now all she needed was to come up with a witty remark like her cousin. "Okay, you two are gonna get dusted faster than an attic in the spring!"

The vamps looked at her in confusion. She was going to have to work on her one liners if she wanted the slaying gig. She grabbed a stake out of thin air (a nice perk of being a slaying witch!) and went to work. She kicked one Vamp in the face with a quick roundhouse, and as he fell to the ground, she quickly spun on her back leg and landed a back kick in the other's stomach. Then she threw a punch or two at the second Vamp, and when the one that was down attempted to stand, she landed a side kick right into his knee cap. As he screamed in pain, she effortlessly staked the one in front of her and turned to do the same to the second, just as her Aunt Jenny and her cousin Val came around the corner.

As the second vampire turned to dust in front of her eyes, she heard applause from behind her. She whirled to see Val clapping with a smile on her face. "Nice technique!"

Willow smiled back. "I learned it all from watching you!"

Aunt Jenny didn't seem too happy. "I thought I told you to stay by the car!"

Willow immediately got defensive. "Well, I would have but there was this cute short guy who was weird and tried to tell me he was my boyfriend and he was a werewolf, so I was coming in to find you guys and get away from him, but then I heard the screams and..."

"Save it!" started Aunt Jenny. "In the car now, the two of you. Willow, when we get home you and I need to have a long talk about using your magic responsibly. And you, Val, I just don't even want to know what your mom is going to do to you this time!"

Willow and Valerie looked at each other and shrugged. What else could they do? It certainly was hard being a teenage witch and her vampire slaying cousin. The three women walked back toward the parking lot.

CUT TO:

Spike and Dru sat staring at the magic ball in the center of the table. Dru was pouting and Spike was fuming. "Of course, you had to go and pick show where someone could magically take the Slayer's place! What next? I knew we should have picked something where the Slayer might have gotten killed, like the X-files or Profiler or something!"

Dru whined and clutched her doll to her chest. "But Spike... it's a funny show. We get to laugh at her and her friends!" He turned on her. "We laugh at them anyway pet!" He spun around and sat at the table. "Why do I get the feeling this just isn't going to go as planned?"

"Don't worry, Spike. It'll be fine. C'mon Miss Edith, let's watch some more!"

CUT TO:

Willow, Valerie, and Jenny walk into the Spellman/ Summers house. Joyce enters from the kitchen.

"I was wondering where you all were. I've been cooking since I got home from the gallery, and I didn't want to eat alone..." She noticed Willow and Valerie attempting to avoid her gaze. She looked at Jenny. "What did they do now?"

Jenny spoke solemnly. "Willow was using her magic irresponsibly again, and well, Valerie got in trouble for falling asleep in class."

Joyce rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. "How many times are we going to have the same conversations, girls? Go to your rooms and get started on your homework. I'll bring you up some dinner after your Aunt and I decide on a proper punishment."

The two girls sighed and started up the stairs.

CUT TO:

Oz sitting in his van parked outside the cemetery. Go figure, after looking everywhere else in town, he finally found it in the same place as it would have been in Sunnydale -- next to a church! It was about 8:30. He had been waiting around since he found it, but still no sign of Buffy, or any Slayerettes for that matter. Well, if he knew Buffy, she would be here sometime tonight, so he would just wait here until she showed. Even if it took all night.

Val and Willow, sitting in Willow's bedroom.

Willow looked through a spellbook while Val tried futilely to open a back window. As she reached for the handle a voice boomed, "Stay in the room!" So Val backed off. "Any luck, Will?" She asked her cousin.

"My spellbook won't even let me INTO that part. I think Aunt Jenny's cast a spell on it. I know! I got something on the net today -- someone complaining about Bill Gates again -- I think I can adapt." She stood up and concentrated.

"Window now open,
Val needs to Slay.
Window now open,
Like, say -- today?"

The window flew open. Val grabbed her bag and broke for the window. "Thanks a mill, Will. I'll make it up to you . . . somehow." As Val started climbing out the window, It slammed shut. It took Val's Slayer reflexes to let her pull back in time. Aunt Jenny entered the room with a stern look on her face, followed five seconds later by Aunt Joyce.

"We'll deal with your spellcasting later, young lady," Joyce told Willow. "Right now, we're more worried about you, Val." Silently Jenny mouthed to Willow, "No Slaying now. Ask S.A." The three walked down the hall, leaving Willow alone. She magicked up some bird blood and set it down. Five seconds later the vampire-cat padded quickly into the room and started lapping it up.

"Ostrich," he said, licking his lips. "How'd you know I was in the mood for ostrich . . . what's wrong?"

"Val's in trouble. She might not be able to Slay tonight. I know you change over in twenty minutes or so . . ."

If a cat could sigh, Salem's Angel would have. "Very well. But only because it's you and Val who need me." He jumped on the bed and let Willow scratch him. "I'd feel better if the woman I love asked me personally . . ."

Val came back in the room and threw herself at the cat's forepaws. "Plleeeeease, S.A? For me?"

"I was sort of joking, Val. But thanks for begging."

Val kissed him on the nose.

"Love you too, S.A."

"And I you, Val. Hey, would I risk this cat body for just anyone?"

"You'd better not! Val said sensuously. "When you're a cat, you belong to the family. When you're a vampire, you're all mine!"

"Don't I know it!" Salem's Angel said smugly as he darted out of the room and raced out the door to the cemetery.

Val turned to Willow. "Tomorrow, we're both grounded. But right now we have to go help Aunt Jenny and Mr. Pool with their thing at the school." Aunt Jenny and Val's mom popped their heads in the door.

"What thing? . . . oh, the THING! Let's go!"

"Don't get too excited, Willow." Aunt Joyce said. "I'm coming with you to see this . . . THING." Willow turned to Aunt Jenny, who shrugged with a "best-I-could-do" motion.

VOICEOVER:

"How's Val going to get to do any Slaying with her mom around?"

The life of a teenager was so FRUSTRATING sometimes, especially if your name was Willow Rosenb -- Willow Spellman.

Where had THAT name come from?

CUT TO:

Oz, in the cemetery, beginning to think that, well, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

He muttered. "Buffy would come here . . . because of vampires. I'm not exactly equipped for vampirehunting." He peered behind a mausoleum and was scared out of a year's growth when a black cat leapt out at him and ran off.

"Oldest cliche in the world and I fall for it." Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Buff--?" He started, and if the cat scared him out of a year's growth, the face attached to the hand should've killed him on the spot. It was Angel -- sort of. He looked like -- like -- the cat?

Anyway, this was definitely a bad thing. Angel was sort of a bad guy. "Uh . . .Angel, hi. I'll be going now." He turned and tried to run.

"Hold on," Angel said, grabbing him from behind. "You know me. How? I don't know you." Angel seemed decidedly nonhostile. There was also a somewhat sarcastic tone in his voice. Less angst and more cynicism.

Oz sighed. Was he going to be doing this all night? "Let's see. Your name is Angel. You're a vampire who used to be one of the good guys and date Buffy. She's a vampire Slayer. Now you're trying to kill her. How am I doing so far?" Angel stood there. "Oh, yeah. I'm Oz. I'm Willow's boyfriend."

Angel said, "If this were a test, you'd fail. Still -- you shouldn't have known any of the answers. I'm a vampire alright. My name is Salem's Angel, not just Angel. I'm still one of the good guys, like any good feline -- and I've never dated any Buffy the Slayer. I date a Val the Slayer, though, and Willow dates a boy named Xander. This is weirder than a mouse with fangs. You shouldn't know about any of this. Come on, I'll take you to Giles. If anyone can figure this out, it's him."

Something struck Oz. Salem. Val. Xander . . . Harvey? Those names were familiar.

He shook it off and they got in the van. As Angel entered, Oz said, "Now are you sure you're not going to bite me?"

"Please!" The vampire said. "I don't drain anyone while I'm human. Too painful. I drain mice and birds while I'm in cat form. Besides, you know how many mice and birds I'd have to drain to satisfy my human body?"

Angel -- the vampire cat? Oz nearly ran off the road.

CUT TO:

High school parking lot. Corbett Chaseler walked towards the school -- a little late-night pep squad practice, never can be too peppy, you know! Then she saw an oddly familiar van pull up. That Oz character got out of one side, and that hunk Angel -- Corby never did believe Val when she said he was a vampire, she was just trying to keep him for herself. But who'd go out with a freak like Buff-- Val Summers when . . . what had she just called Val? Buffy?

What was going through her head tonight? Recognize music geeks, calling Val Buffy -- like ANYONE would have the name Buffy today. It was so '80s!

She called over to the two. "Angel! Hi! Where are you off to?"

He said, "You're the second person to call me Angel tonight, Corbett, and you should know better. No, I forgot who you were for a second. Never mind. But my name is SALEM'S Angel."

Corby HAD known that. So why was she thinking of him as Angel? It just SEEMED right. Oz walked up to her again.

"Cordelia!" HE called. "It's you in there. Names: Giles, Buffy, Willow, Xander -- your BOYFRIEND, Xander -- Angel, Principal Snyder, the Bronze, Sunnydale. Any of this ringing any bells?"

It was, but Corby looked up into Salem's Angel's soulful eyes and got lost. "Come on," the vampire said. "We're going to talk to Giles. He'll know what's going on if anyone does. I'm beginning to think we may not have a moment to lose." Then several vampires and a little girl walked out of the shadows near the door.

"Oh, you have several moments to lose," the girl said sweetly. The rest of your pathetic lives."

"Angel?" Corby asked. "Who is that?" Salem's Angel looked so rattled he didn't correct Corby's misnomer.

"You didn't tell them, S.A.? Oh, I'm so disappointed . . ." The little girl flashed fangs. "I'm Willow's cousin . . . but you can call me the Anointed One."

CUT TO:

Dru, flustered.

"Easy, love," Spike told her. "That's not the brat we killed, it can't be." A lesser vampire brought an unconscious human over and laid him gently in front of the two. "Anyway, while we're waiting for the show to resume, how about a snack?"

He wished he was as confident as he sounded.

CUT TO:

Salem's Angel, Oz, and Corby outside the school, faced with insurmountable odds against a flock of Vampires and their child-like Anointed One. The Anointed one stared at Salem's Angel, expecting an answer. When he gave none, she looked at Corby and Oz, and introduced herself. "I'm Amanda, and you're all going to be dead in a minute, so I guess that doesn't really matter, does it?"

Oz looked at the little girl quizzically. "Weird. Willow told me about The Anointed One, but I thought she said it was a little boy. And I thought he was dead."

"A little boy!" screamed the child, "I'm not a boy! And I'm not dead!!!" She began to cry hysterically, throwing a tantrum on the ground. The other Vampires looked in horror at their leader. One of them growled at Oz and said accusingly, "See what you did now!" She picked up the little girl and carried her like a baby, shooshing and soothing her, like some sort of twisted, horrific mother and child. She cast a look of dispersion at the three good guys and started to walk back to where ever it was they had come from. The mob of Vamps followed, obviously upset that their leader was rendered useless by her tantrum.

Salem's Angel let out a sigh of relief and turned to Oz. "I don't know how you did it, but good job!"

"Yeah, I guess," threw in an underwhelmed Corby. Just then Xander Harvey walked up to the group.

"Hey Guys, what's going on?" Xander nodded to S.A., and to Corby, who was suddenly speechless at the appearance of the two hottest men in the town. Damn Willow and Buf...Val, she corrected herself. Why do they get to keep the hotties all in the family? Wait a minute, she thought, Who the hell is Buffy and why does that name keep popping into my head?

Xander looked to S.A. and asked, "Are we STUDYING tonight...if you know what I mean? 'Cause I was just at Bronze Pizza and I thought that we might have to STUDY tonight."

Oz rolled his eyes. "Man, Xander, even in this world you are the king of discretion!"

Xander looked over at Oz. "Hey aren't you that dude from the Pizza place who thought he knew me?"

Oz nodded, and Xander started to think, trying to place him. "Did I play football against you?"

Oz laughed. "Do I really look like I play football?"

Xander thought again, and shook his head. "I guess not. Wait a minute... you've got something to do with Willow... Hey, you better leave her alone, she's my girlfriend!"

Oz looked like he was about to punch Xander. "Maybe she's yours in this screwed up world, but in the real world she's mine, and don't you forget it!"

S.A. jumped between the two of them just as a fight was about to ensue. "Whoa! Cut it out you two- Let's go inside and talk to Giles. Maybe he can figure this stuff out. C'mon, before I have to lap up the blood!" The foursome headed for the door to the school, with Oz and Xander glaring at each other intently, S.A. trying to stay between them to stop the coming bloodshed, and Corby trailing behind, drooling and staring at the forms of the two men of her dreams.

CUT TO:

Spike and Dru in the warehouse. "Damn, Damn, Damn! They're taking him to that Watcher- he always figures everything out! I hate this!"

Dru started to stroke his face. "But Spike, he figures things out in this world. In that world, he's just a Science teacher who wasn't even smart enough to get renewed for this season. Besides, even if they figure it out, how can they leave? There's no way out unless we break the spell."

Spike, calmed by Dru's insight, visibly relaxes. "Quite right, pet. I guess we've got nothing to worry about." They turn back toward the crystal ball.

CUT TO:

Giles Pool, Jenny Spellman, Joyce Spellman Summers, Willow Spellman, and Valerie Summers sitting around in the Biology Lab. Giles is trying to explain to Joyce what the "Thing" that Jenny and the girls are supposed to be helping with is.

"Well, you see, it's that I, well, I have a disection that I would like help with because you see, it's a rather difficult one, and Jenny volunteered Valerie and Willow, because well, Willow is good at things like this, and well, Valerie, to be frank, could use the extra credit."

"Oh, is that all? Well, as long as Valerie's getting extra credit, I guess I have no objections." She turned to the two teens. "But listen girls, your grounding starts tomorrow as soon as you get home from school, and we mean it. Right Jenny?"

Jenny was looking at Giles with appreciation and amazement that he convinced Joyce they weren't up to no good. "Absolutely. C'mon Joyce, I'll drop you at home, and then I'll be right back." She looked up at Giles again. "Is that okay?"

Giles smiled and blushed a bit. "Of course." Jenny and Joyce started to walk toward the door. As they exited into the hall, Joyce turned to her sister. "How come you get all the luck with men? I've got Principal Kryder, and some crazy guy who wanted to marry me and kill Buf- I mean Valerie."

They stopped and looked at one another. Jenny asked, "Who wanted to kill Val? And what did you almost call her?" Joyce looked confused. "Ted was his name, I think."

Again Jenny questioned her sister. "Ted? You've never dated anyone named Ted."

Joyce shook her head as they continued to walk again. "Must have been a nightmare."

CUT TO:

Back inside the Bio Lab. Giles, Willow and Valerie have gone to work researching any new and interesting prophecies. Suddenly the doors open, and in walk Salem's Angel, Xander Harvey, and Corby, followed by the intensely angry Oz. As they enter, Valerie and Willow, jump up, rushing over to hug their respective boyfriends. Oz looked like he was going to get violent, and Corby was positively green with envy. Giles looked at Oz strangely, then spoke.

"Does anyone want to explain who this young man is and why he is here?"

Salem's Angel broke away from Val, and then started to explain. "Well, you see Giles, he was out in the cemetery and he thought he knew who I was, but he got some of it all confused, and I thought you might be able to figure it out."

WIllow looked over at Oz for the first time, and realized who he was. "Hey, Val, you know how I said there was this guy in the parking lot who tried to tell me he was my boyfriend, and a werewolf- this is him!"

Giles gasped, surprise written on his face. "A werewolf, and he knows about you, S.A.? This can't be good."

Xander broke his intense gaze at the loveliness of Willow long enough for it to register that Oz tried to tell Willow he was her boyfriend. "See, I told you Willow's my girlfriend," he mocked.

Oz stepped forward with his fist cocked, his intentions clear. S.A. grabbed him again, and Giles stepped forward.

"Before there is any unnecessary fighting, why don't you tell me what you think is the truth."

Oz stopped and looked over at Giles. "Okay, fine but you're not going to believe me. My name is Oz, and I'm a werewolf. We all live in Sunnydale, California, the site of the hellmouth. This is Buffy, not Valerie, and she's the slayer, That's Willow, she's my girlfriend. That is Angel, he's a vampire, whose soul was cursed so he was good, but when he and Buffy got a little too friendly, he lost the soul and now he's trying to kill her. You are Rupert Giles, and you're the Watcher, and the Librarian of Sunnydale High School. You were in love with Jenny Calendar, the computer teacher, but bad Angel killed her. This is Xander Harris, not Xander Harvey, and he is Buffy and Willow's friend, who is dating Cordelia Chase, a.k.a. Cordy, not Corby. Does that mean anything to anyone?"

COMMERCIAL BREAK

CUT TO:

Oz, facing a mixed group of Slayerettes and witchlings, in various stages of puzzlement.

Oz said, "Well? ANYONE?"

Giles Pool said, "Afraid not." Xander Harvey said, "Nope." Val Summers concentrated, shrugged and said, "I'm me." Salem's Angel said, "Nothing. Sorry."

No response from Willow or Corby. Xander Harvey reached over to Oz and told him. "Bzzzt! You lose, wolfboy. But as thanks for playing our game, you win a lovely supply of silver bullets. Oh, Giles?"

Willow blurted, "Wait!" They all turned to look at her. "I'm getting a name. Rosenberg? Does that mean something to you?" Oz started to look excited, when Corby screamed.

"Yes!" She said. You're Willow ROSENBERG! And I'm not a shallow snob named Corbett Chaseler. My name is Cordelia. Cordelia Chase!" She blinked and screwed up her face in disgust. "Who IS this brainless twit I'm sharing the body of? Euuhhh!" She looked at Oz. "Oz. What's going on here?"

"I have no idea, Cordelia. But I'm glad to see you." He paused. "Whoa. Number one on the list of things I thought I'd never hear myself say."

Giles said. "So he was telling the truth? Your name is indeed . . . Cordelia?"

"Whoa, G-Man," Xander said. "You're the magic expert around here." Willow snorted and covered it up with a coughing fit. "Couldn't this be some kind of spell?" He put an arm around Willow. "After all, Will's my girlfriend. She'd never date a werewolf, and I'D never date a selfish social-climber like Corby. She's been pursuing me since the day I got here, you know. But Willow's so much nicer." He grinned goofily.

"I'll agree," Giles said, "That it presents a puzzle. When people you've known for years, like Ms. Chaseler, suddenly start swearing they're not who you thought they were, Mr. Harris' guess would seem logical. But there is other evidence. Oz's knowledge of our circumstances. Willow's familiarity with the name Rosenberg. And, Mr. Harvey, you just called me G-Man as though it were a nickname you'd been using for a long time. But I can quite firmly state that you have never called me G-Man before in your life." Xander started to say something and then stopped to think.

VOICEOVER:

"Now I KNOW this isn't my world," Oz thought. "Xander's never had an unvoiced thought his whole life!"

Willow was struggling. "Rosenberg. Rosenberg. Aaah!" She screamed in comic frustration, throwing her hands up and dashing out the door. A half-second later, Oz and Cordelia raced after her. Xander was about to go too when S.A. grabbed him from behind. "No. Let's work with Giles. Maybe we can figure out if it's a curse or the truth." He shuddered. "I hope it's not true. I'd hate to have to give up draining those nice juicy mi-i-i-ce . . ."

Giles pulled some books off a shelf in his supply room and they sat down to work.

CUT TO:

Principal Willem Kryder, walking out of the school building.

Jenny Spellman and Joyce Summers Spellman walked towards the car in the parking lot. A light entered the principal's eyes as he saw the woman of his dreams. "Get ahold of yourself, Willem. Breathe." He walked up to them and overheard a puzzling fragment of conversation. "No, I know it," Joyce said. "I dated a man named Ted. It's so clear to me. He was into computers. Why can't you remember this?"

Willem was sure that Joyce hadn't dated any Ted. He kept a close eye on her love life. He walked up behind them and said. "Hello, ladies. You know, Joyce -- Calendar -- it's dangerous out here at night. Why don't I escort you home?"

Jenny Spellman blinked as she grabbed Joyce's spell-casting finger. "No, Willem. We'll be -- what did you call me?"

CUT TO:

Spike and Dru. "This isn't as much fun as I thought," Spike grumped. "They're starting to recognize who they are."

"You may get your comedy after all, Spike. Look!" In the ball a group of vampires appeared around the three people. Joyce and Jenny started to point, but found their fingers bound in finger-cuffs and their mouths gagged before they could say anything. Then Amanda walked in front of them and smiled sweetly.

Dru echoed the smile, and Spike grinned broadly.

"I've got them under control," she said. "You go into the science lab and get the rest. Especially that werewolf." She stomped her feet. "He made me cry!" The vampires stalked into the building as Amanda looked at the helpless witches and the nervous Principal Kryder. "I won't be keeping you all long," she said. "Just long enough to kill you all and bring my Master Drom back!"

Spike laughed uproariously. "I take it back, pet. Best show I've seen in years." He thought for a second. "Who'd've thought I'd actually be HAPPY to see that brat again?"

CUT TO:

Cordelia Chase (still in a body four inches too short), Oz, and Willow Spellman walking down the high school hallway towards the laboratory.

"Sorry about that," Willow said. "I'm starting to know things I shouldn't. The Bronze. Sunnydale High School. Rubello Drive. A robot named Ted who dated Ms. Summers."

"And me?" Oz asked anxiously.

"A phrase . . . The sweetest smile. That mean anything to you?"

Oz grinned happily. "Yes! You're remembering, Willow!"

"Excuse me!" Cordelia said. "Could we get to the mushy stuff later, Oz? Like, when we're IN Sunnydale and not someplace even more twisted?"

Oz scowled. "Don't make me unhappy I brought you back, Cordy."

"Sorry," she said. "This is just freaking me out. And I can't stand this person whose body I'm sharing. She's -- she's -- she's me from a year ago. God, Willow, how did you put up with me?"

Willow was spared answering by the sight of two vampires lounging in the science lab. Giles, Xander, Val and S.A. were nowhere to be seen. The spell was still active; Willow grabbed a stake and pointed at the one on the left. The stake flew straight and true, and seconds later they were facing one vampire and a cloud of ash. Oz and Cordelia looked on in amazement. "Practice," she said.

The other vampire mockingly applauded. "Bravo, Willow. Now before you stake me, I have a message from your cousin. We have your friends. AND your aunts. Come join us at the gateway to the other realm, or they're all dead."

"You done?" Willow asked. The vampire nodded smugly. "Good." She materialized another stake and dusted this vampire too. She shrugged and turned to a dumbstruck Cordelia and Oz. "Before isn't after."

"So where IS the doorway to this other realm?" Cordelia asked. "No, wait," she said tiredly. "Don't tell me. Under the library. Right?"

"How'd you know?" They walked down the hallway to the stairs. At the landing Willow stopped. Cordelia and Oz smashed into her from behind. It would have been funny had the trouble not been so serious.

"What's the holdup?" Oz asked. Cordelia echoed the question.

"Hold on, Corb -- Cordelia. If you and Oz are right, then I'm a mix of two people. I should try to find a way to separate myself. That'll really throw them."

"How?"

"I'm not supposed to tell mortals, but you already know about magic, so the rules might not apply. And I might not even exist." She swayed a bit as if dizzy. "Whoa. Scary thought. I might not be real!" She went on, "I'm a Witch. Stand back." Oz and Cordelia moved back. She thought. Pool. Witch. Harvey. Spellman. She knew! She knew! She'd figured something out first! Oh, it was SO time to gloat . . . well, after the crisis was over, of course.

Willow chanted,

"Someone had fun,
so the two became one.
Now the fun's through,
let the one become two!"

A fake-looking puff of smoke, and then Cordelia saw the result of the spell: A blonde teenager and her somewhat friend, Willow Rosenberg, stood facing each other. "What happened?" the blonde asked, while Willow said, "Wow, I'm me again. Who was I before?" The two eyed each other.

Cordelia nodded to the blonde and said, "This is Willow. Willow -- this is Sabrina. The Teenage Witch."

They turned to her in unison. "What?"

COMMERCIAL BREAK

"Of course!", shouted Oz. "I completely forgot about that show! It all makes sense now! Willow, you were combined with Sabrina, the Teenage Witch! Xander is Harvey, kind of, and Cordy, you're Libby, Buffy is Valerie, Ms. Calendar is Aunt Zelda, Mrs. Summers is Aunt Hilda, and Giles is Mr. Pool. And of course, Angel is Salem!"

Sabrina and Willow looked at each other strangely. "Weird," each girl said in unison, then looked at each other even more strangely.

Oz walked over to Willow and put both his hands on her shoulders. "Willow, do you remember me?"

She looked at Oz and kissed him on the cheek. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?" Oz hopped up and down and hugged her. "Oh thank god! I couldn't take it if you really wanted to be with Xander!"

"Yeah, about that," said Cordy (still trapped within Libby's body, but in complete control of it). "You ever try to take my man away from me again, and you'll be dropped faster than a 56.6 modem can download!"

Willow looked at the girl, who kind of looked and sounded like Cordelia. Something very strange was going on.

Sabrina took this opportunity to address the Cordelia look alike. "Libby, is that you? You look different. Do you know these people?"

Cordelia turned on her. "I AM NOT LIBBY! Please don't call me that! My name is Cordelia."

Oz looked from one girl to the other. He chose to talk to the one who was a bit more level-headed at the moment. "Um, Sabrina, right? I'm Oz, and by the looks of things, we've got some explaining to do."

CUT TO:

Spike and Dru sitting at the large table in the center of the warehouse. Spike seemed bored. "All right, all right already. We get the point. They know who they are. When do we get to the good part when the Annoying One kills them?"

Dru put her hand on his chest. "Patience, love. Good things come to those who wait! Look at Miss Edith, she's patient, so she gets to stay up past her bedtime to see the end!"

"Well, they had better get on with it! As I recall this show's only a half an hour long!"

CUT TO:

The door to the other realm, where Amanda and her hoard of vampires are circled around their prisoners, who all happen to be chained to the wall. Salem's Angel, Valerie, Giles, Xander, and Jenny are all awake, but the appearance of vampires seems to have scared the bejesus out of Joyce and Kryder, causing them to faint, and rendering them unconcious for the moment.

Jenny whispered to Giles, "What do you think they're going to do with us?"

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do with you -- you will be the final sacrifices in my quest to bring back my Master Drom! I miss him!" cried Amanda evilly.

Jenny looked over at her little niece. "Listen Amanda, you take us down and let us go, and I won't mention this incident to your mother!"

Amanda started to cackle. "My mother- ha! Who do you think you're talking to, a child? I am the most powerful being on earth and you threaten to tell my mommy. Get a clue!"

From behind the group of vampires, Willow, Oz, Sabrina, and Cordelia/Libby appear.

"Sabrina, zap them and make them split back into their old selves, so we can get out of here!" whispered Oz.

Sabrina looked over at the crew chained to the wall. "Who are those people? I thought you said one of them was like Harvey, and two were like my Aunts. I don't even vaguely recognize them."

Oz rolled his eyes. "Will you trust me? You and Willow were combined, weren't you?"

Sabrina shrugged. "Okay, here goes." She pointed her finger toward the group chained to the wall and began to chant the spell Willow had used minutes before:

"Someone had fun,
so the two became one.
Now the fun's through,
let the one become two!"

Again, a cloud of dust appeared, but only Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda appeared to have become separated. Jenny Calendar and Joyce Summers now hung in the chains, while Zelda and Hilda were completely free, fingers and all. "Hmmm, must only work on witches," Sabrina concluded.

Cordy began to whine. "You mean I have to stay like this forever? NOOOOOO!"

Willow smacked her in the arm. "God, will you shut up? There has to be another way to fix it."

Oz spoke quickly. "Yeah, and we'll have to worry about it later! Look out!" He tackled Willow and dove to one side as a bolt from Amanda's finger came shooting at them.

"You're not going to ruin my plan!", screamed the little brat.

"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that, young lady!" said Aunt Zelda as she sent a zap of her own at Amanda.

CUT TO:

Zelda Spellman throwing a lightning bolt at Amanda the Anointed One.

The problem is that Zelda, despite her long years of experience, was basically not inclined towards outright violence. The bolt struck Amanda and dissipated without doing much damage. Aunt Hilda's fared little better.

Amanda grinned evilly. "Is that the best you can do?" She turned to the vampires arranged around the room. "Attack!" She shouted. Oz and Willow pulled out crosses. Cordelia frantically patted herself down and swore. Libby Chessler's body was no more equipped for vampire Slaying than her brain was for nuclear physics. Or even high school physics. The vampires advanced.

Sabrina blurted, "How do you stop these things?" Zelda and Hilda were busily dodging an amused Amanda's force bolts, but they were keeping her so busy that she didn't have time to spare for anyone else.

"Stakes!" Willow blurted. Sabrina shrugged and pointed to the floor. A large pile of porterhouses and t-bones appeared. Willow, Oz and Cordelia groaned.

"What?" Sabrina asked. "Isn't that what you said?"

Val snapped the chains. "A steak through the heart only works on vegetarian vampires," she said, grabbing a stake out of her jacket and showing it to Sabrina. "Stakes!" The Slayer blinked. "Who are -- never mind!" She said, dusting a vampire behind Sabrina.

"Oh." Sabrina shrugged and the meat disappeared, to be replaced by a pile of wooden pointy things. She grabbed one, as did Cordelia. Willow and Oz were being backed into a corner. Val rolled over there and slew one, but Sabrina said, "Let me." She pointed and the stakes flew into the air by themselves, one unerringly finding the heart of every remaining vampire in the room except Amanda.

"She's my cousin," she said. "If I SPANKED her her mother would kill me. I don't want to see what would happen if I staked her through the heart."

Amanda had backed Hilda and Zelda into a corner and hadn't noticed her allies' disappearance. Val walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. SHE had no problem with decking children, especially little bloodsucking ones who wanted to take over the world. As she swung backwards, Amanda pointed and suddenly Val hit herself in the mouth and knocked herself into the wall. She blinked and shook her head.

"Naughty, naughty," the Anointed one said. "You know you shouldn't hit children." Then she saw that all the other vampires were little piles of ash on the floor. She gaped. "My beautiful vampires!" She stomped her feet. "You killed my beautiful vampires!" She started crying.

Willow said, "Sabrina! The spell! Isn't Amanda a witch?" Sabrina nodded to Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda, and in unison all three chanted,

"Someone had fun, so the two became one. Now the fun's through, let the one become two!"

They pointed at Amanda. One phony-looking smoke cloud later, they were confronted by a little boy vampire and a little girl witch. They both looked confused.

Cordelia shrieked, "That's the little maniac who stained my blouse!" and rushed up and staked him. Seconds later, the Annoying Anointed one was ashes. Willow, Oz, and Jenny Calendar looked at her in amazement. "What?" Cordelia said. Joyce Summers had looked around, been unable to deal with the situation, and collapsed back into unconsciousness.

Aunt Zelda and Hilda took advantage of Amanda's confusion, stared into her eyes, and said,

"Sleep is a healer
coming forth in a stream.
When you wake up
this will be but a dream!"

And Amanda fell asleep. Hilda said. "Man, I'm glad she was so out of it. I wouldn't want to have to try to explain THIS to her mother."

"Speaking of this," Zelda said, "What exactly is going on here, young lady? Who ARE these people?" She looked at the people still chained to the wall for the first time, and then at Valerie Summers. "This one reminds me of Val, that one of Harvey, that looks like Mr. Pool, and that hunk sort of reminds me of . . . Salem?"

"But they're not," Hilda said in a clipped tone. "What exactly is going on here, Sabrina?"

"I can explain!" The teenage witch blurted. "Well, no, actually I can't. Ask them," she said, pointing at Willow, Oz and Cordelia.

The two witches turned as one. "Um, yeah," Oz began. "Well, you see, it's like this . . ."

CUT TO:

Spike sneering, "Oh, so the good guys win. Why can't they bring back American Gothic? Lucas Buck always manged to win. Why couldn't we have sent the Slayer THERE?"

"Spike," Dru cooed, "They're still trapped. Miss Edith would have warned me if they were coming back." She reached down and picked up a still-quivering arm. "Here. I saved this for you." Spike sat and sulked. "It's your favorite part . . ."

Spike let the arm drop to the floor. "I'm not hungry any more, love."

They settled in to watch the rest of the show, Spike desperately hoping for the credits to roll.

CUT TO:

Aunt Zelda and Aunt Hilda, standing there while Oz explains exactly what happened. Finally Oz wound up, "And exactly how we got mixed up with a TV show, I have no idea. But I'm kind of glad it was this one." During the explanation, Val had freed Mr. Pool, Xander, and Salem's Angel, and had lingered over whether or not to release Principal Kryder. Upon a stern look from the two unfamiliar witches and Jenny Calendar, she did, but she didn't bother to catch him when he hit the floor.

"Hold on, Oz," Aunt Zelda said. "Are you saying that to you we're a tv show?" Sabrina looked ready to say something, but Aunt Hilda froze her with a look. Not literally, though, but she could have.

Cordelia said. "Yeah. So?"

Aunt Hilda said, "So it's not much fun to think about people watching the intimate details of your lives. Even if they're not from your universe."

Cordelia slowly nodded and said. "Yeah, I see. I wouldn't like it if everyone could see what I was doing all the time." She blushed, no doubt thinking about her and Xander making out in a closet. Giles, Xander, S.A. and Val had been standing there listening, still not really sure what was going on.

Xander Harvey said. "Hold on, hold on. No way I don't exist. I'm real! Someone pinch me." Willow laughed; when Xander turned a hurt look to her, she said, "Sorry, Xander. Private joke." She giggled.

Giles Pool then said, "It is not only a possibility, Mr. Harvey, it is a likelihood. Look at them." He pointed to Willow and Sabrina. "Neither of them is Willow Spellman, although they both share certain characteristics. Neither are either of THEM Jenny Spellman." He sighed. "It may be time to face the truth. We aren't real."

Willow and Sabrina said simultaneously, "So how do we get them back to normal? My spell didn't work!" Willow walked over to Ms. Calendar. "And how do we make sure YOU can come with us?"

Ms. Calendar smiled, a little sadly. "We don't." She told the two aunts and Sabrina, "You see, in our world, I'm dead. I was killed two months ago. I don't know how the spell was able to call back my spirit, but --" she looked down at Willow. "I'm glad I was able to come back and say goodbye in person."

Hilda and Zelda looked at Jenny Calendar and Willow in sympathy. Oz hugged his girlfriend. Then Aunt Hilda said, "Sabrina, you did a fairly good job with that spell. But you were thinking too hard about being a witch at the time. That's why it only affected witches."

Oz said, "In Sabrina's defense, it wasn't really her that cast the spell."

Aunt Zelda said, "True. But it's a valuable lesson anyway. Many a potent spell has been ruined by overconcentration." Then the two older witches pointed carefully at the remaining unsplit characters.

Five puffs of smoke. Finally, they were all standing there with their alter egos. Buffy Summers stood looking at Valerie, Giles at Mr. Pool, etc.

They all blinked and stood around in confusion, except for Snyder and Assistant Principal Willard Kraft, who remained unconscious on a heap on the floor, curled up around each other. If the two people in question weren't such repulsive individuals, it would have seemed almost cute.

The two aunts, with an assist from Oz, explained the situation to everyone, "just to be fair," Aunt Hilda added, "even if some of you won't remember this tomorrow."

Libby said, "Well, I always knew you were a freak, Sabrina. I just didn't realize how much of one you were."

Cordelia turned to her counterpart in sheer frustration. "I've been waiting to do this since the moment I realized who you were. These people are just like my friends over here. Decent people who saved your ungrateful life. RRHH! Forget it. You're a dense, vain, shallow, arrogant, materialistic self-centered snob. And if you knew who it was telling you this you'd be really insulted. You think SABRINA'S a witch? Look in the mirror."

Ms. Calendar pointed behind them. "We have greater concerns at the moment." Buffy and Sabrina turned around to where Salem's Angel had been standing. Salem stood there, and Angel --

And Angelus.

UT TO:

The entire group staring at Angelus. He moved toward the group. He looked at them all, and practically licked his lips. "Hmmm, dinner! You first, Buffy!" He was about to grab her when Angel threw a punch so hard it knocked his alter ego to the ground.

"Not this time, buddy!", he shouted, and fell on top of the evil version of himself throwing punches. "That's for being mean to my girlfriend, and this is for killing Ms. Calendar, and this is for Willow's fish..." They let Angel get out all his frustrations. He ended the tirade with, "And this is for taking control of my body just when my life was good for the first time in 200 years!" He looked down at the unconcious Angelus. "Well, that ought to keep him out of our way for at least an hour."

Buffy smiled and ran up and hugged her boyfriend. "I thought I'd never see you again!"

Angel smiled down at her. "Well, I see you all the time. Ms. Calendar and I watch over you guys. We try to help, but there's really not too much you can do when you're dead."

Buffy started to cry, "But you're not dead, not here anyway."

Ms. Calendar put a hand on Buffy's shoulder. "Buffy, when we go back, Angel and I will probably disappear. But that doesn't mean you can't try to find a way to bring his soul back."

Willow spoke next. "But what about you, Ms. Calendar. You can't ever come back?"

"Well, I have no body to return to. But you have to know that I'm always with you guys." She turned to Giles. "Especially you." She ran to him and he crushed her in a loving hug.

The Aunts and Sabrina looked at each other. "So, how do we get these guys home?", asked Sabrina. Aunt Zelda answered, "Well, this is our world, not theirs, so while this would be the location of their Hellmouth, this place has no significance to us."

CUT TO:

Spike and Dru, laughing. Dru turned to her undead boyfriend. "See, Spike, they'll never get back- there's no way!"

"God, did you see the way Angel kicked the crap out of Angelus? Fantastic!" He turned to see Dru frowning. "Oh, Dru! You remember what he did to you and your family- he deserved it!"

She turned back to the ball. "Where are the credits, Miss Edith? Something's wrong with Miss Edith, Spike...she won't answer." They peered back into the ball.

CUT TO:

The Buffy gang, Sabrina, and her aunts marching up the stairs of the Spellman household, carrying the unconcious forms of Joyce, Principal Snyder, and Angelus. Aunt Zelda continued her thought. "But our door to the other realm, if my hunch is correct, should bring you home safe and sound." At the top of the stairs, she opened the closet door, and looked in. There, everyone saw the familiar sights of Sunnydale's streets illuminated by the street lights. "Perfect!" concluded Zelda.

"Thank God- I'm outta here! Thanks for getting me out of that Libby girl's body and all! Bye. C'mon Xander," said Cordelia as she stepped into the closet, grabbing Xander's hand as she went.

"Um, yeah, thanks Sabrina, and if you ever get rid of Harvey -- I'll be glad to come back for a visit... OW! cut it out Cordelia!" mumbled Xander as they stepped through the portal back to their own world.

"Yes, thank you very much. Really, we appreciate what you've done for us. Now if we can only figure out how this happened, I'll make sure it never happens again!" said Giles as he shook Zelda and Hilda's hands. Then he turned to Jenny. "I'll miss you, but I'll feel better knowing I got to say goodbye, and tell you... I love you." He hugged her and gave her a soft kiss on the lips, then turned and stepped through the portal.

"I love you, too," Jenny muttered as she watched him go. Ms. Calendar turned to Willow. "Thanks for taking over my classes, Willow, and for being the best student I ever had. And a great friend, too." She hugged the red-head, whose eyes filled with tears. "Bye, Ms. Calendar. I'll feel safe knowing you're watching over us." Ms. Calendar walked through the door.

Buffy had dragged both her mom and Snyder through, and had come back to say goodbye to Angel. "I love you, and I promise we'll try to find a way to bring you back!" Angel turned, "I know, I love you, too. And have faith, I'll be back someday." She went to take Angelus from him, but he laughed. "Allow me." They watched as he walked through the door and disappeared, leaving Angelus to plummet 6 feet to the ground.

Buffy turned to Sabrina. "It's nice to know there's someone like me out there, even if she is in another dimension!" Buffy shook her hand and stepped through the portal, leaving only Willow and Oz.

"Is there something you guys need help with?" asked Aunt Hilda.

Oz opened his mouth to speak, but Willow beat him to it. "You see, he really is a werewolf, and since, in our world, it's a full moon, we were wondering if you could conjure up a spell so that he won't change until we get him chained up in his cellar?"

Zelda and Hilda smiled at each other and zapped Oz at the same time. "That ought to do it.", said Zelda confidently.

As Oz thanked the Aunts, Willow turned to Sabrina. "It was pretty cool being the one with the powers for once!" Sabrina smiled. "Yeah, but it was also cool to have friends that knew I was different and liked me anyway!" The two teens hugged, and as they pulled away, Oz reached out for Willow's hand and they stepped through the portal together.

Buffy was kicking the crap out of the now-conscious Angelus, and Giles was trying to stop her from staking him before he could ask -- "Did you have something to do with this?"

Buffy stopped pummeling him long enough to let him answer. "No, but I think I know who did. Come with me, we'll get them back, and I promise I won't attack you! At least until they're dealt with."

Buffy looked up at Giles, and a smile spread across her face. She looked around at the others, who had the same smile on their faces.

CUT TO:

Buffy and Co. standing around Dru's crystal ball as the credits for a new show roll:

"I LOVE DRUCY!" starring Spike and Drusilla. Then we see Spike open the door, and using a crazy Latin accent yell, "Drucy, I'm home!" We then see Dru come bounding out of the kitchen in an apron, saying "Spikey, WAHHHHHH!"

The assembled Slayerettes, minus the unconscious Snyder and Mrs. Summers but including Angelus, laughed hysterically. They again looked into Dru's ball as it "changed channels." Sabrina, Aunt Zelda and Aunt Hilda stood there in the Spellman living room.

"Amanda remembers nothing," Aunt Zelda said. "Mr. Pool, Harvey, Libby, Val and Willard think it was some kind of weird dream. And Salem --"

Aunt Hilda broke in, "He's in the kitchen drinking three quarts of buttermilk. He SAYS he's trying to wash the taste of blood from his mouth, but we wonder."

Sabrina said, "That's it. Good luck with your lives, okay? Next time, though, catch us on TV. We'll see YOU there -- Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Aunt Zelda held up a copy of Entertainment Weekly with Buffy on the cover. Sabrina smiled, and as the Slayerettes stood around with mouths agape in various stages of astonishment, she pointed her finger upward. The ball goes dark as we

FADE TO BLACK.

The End

You have reached the end of "Which Slayer?". This story is complete.

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