Potterville: An attempt at a humorous but canonical Smallville crossover. Well from the end of OOTP at least. I think cannon seriously suffered once Sirius snuffed it. I don't own either, but oddly enough Warner Brothers seems to produce both. Huh.....
Harry sighed as he trudged up the steps to his room, dragging his trunk behind him. It was the first day into the holidays and he wasn't looking forward to them at all. Not only had things spiraled so out of control that his Godfather had ended up dead, but he now had to live with the knowledge that his life was part of a prophecy. Where he, a mere lad of almost sixteen years of age was supposed to be the one to finally defeat a the darkest wizard in nearly a century. One who had decades of experience in realms of magic he had yet to explore.
In short, it was just another day in a life of suck. Sure there were some bright spots, but those were becoming few and far between. He idly rubbed the scar on the back of his hand stating that he 'must not tell lies'. It was just another example of how things never seem to really work out for him. Detention? Sure, he could do that. He wasn't all that into permanent disfigurement though.
He was about to lie down, and mope from a different perspective when he head someone clear their throat.
Harry's wand was in his hand and pointed at the source of the noise in a near instant. He was surprised to see a goblin in his room, let alone one wearing a suit straight out of the 1920's. Oddly enough he thought he'd seen Dumbledore wear something similar once.
“Can I help you?” Harry asked the goblin. Just because it was trespassing didn't mean politeness wasn't called for. He'd learned a few things from Binns.... Well, Hermione's notes of Binns at least.
“Actually, Mr. Potter.” the goblin began with a very toothy grin. “I am here to help you. I have come on behalf of a mutual acquaintance of ours and I am here to insure that your Godfather's will is carried out in an expedient manner so that it cannot be contested, by shall we say....darker parties?”
Harry nodded. “Do we really have to do this now? I was kind of in the middle of something.” Harry said.
The goblin frowned. “I am afraid time is of the essence young Potter. If the will is to be implemented correctly, we are going to have to do it according to your Godfather's wishes before it is contested by other remaining Blacks. If it is contested successfully, all of your Godfather's estates will go to one...” the Goblin pulled out a monocle and a scroll. He read a bit before saying.. “Ah, yes! One Draco Malfoy. Male son of Sirius Black's first cousin Narcissa Black Malfoy.”
Harry's eyes widened. “I can't let Malfoy get his hands on Sirius's estate. Who knows what he'll do with all of the stuff at....that place.” Harry said before muttering “Stupid Fidelus.”
The Goblin nodded sagely. “Well Mr. Potter, in order for you to get to Gringotts safely. We have to ensure that you cannot be tracked by various parties, some dark, other light, and of course the bureaucratic one too.”
Harry cocked his head to one side. “And how can we go about that?” Harry asked the still nameless goblin
The goblin reached behind his back and pulled out a boot shaped pint glass that was full of a green liquid that was pulsing with a faint glow. “You need to drink this, Mister Potter. Once you do they won't be able to find you until your business with Gringotts has reached its conclusion and you are back here once again.” The Goblin neglected to mention the spell was actually on the glass and he hadn't a clue what the green concoction was. That was up to the one who had staged all this.
Harry sighed, pinched his nose and drank the entire thing. He blinked and belched. “You know, I've had some pretty vile stuff in my day. And this.” He said holding up the now empty glass. “Wasn't half bad. Tasted a little like spinach mixed with dirt.”
“Whatever you say Mister Potter. Now, if you would take my hand we will be on our way.” The Goblin said, holding his hand out to the young wizard.
“What about my Owl?” Harry asked the Goblin.
The goblin sighed. “We have some fairly intricate spell work at Gringotts, Mr Potter. I can assure you, no matter how much time passes for us, we'll only be gone a few hours. Now please, time is still of the essence. We can only delay the already filed paperwork for so long.” The Goblin said with a slight snarl.
Harry shrugged before taking the Goblin's had. The was a distinct sensation of lateral movement and they were suddenly in a brightly lit office.
Harry looked around. “Woah.”
“Indeed Mister Potter.” The goblin said. He walked around to the desk and sat down and gestured for Harry to do the same. Harry sat across from the Goblin. He eyed the name plate stating the Goblin's name was Snicker-snack. Suddenly remembering a few lines from Alice in Wonderland, Harry didn't comment on the name.
“Now Mr. Potter, one of you Godfather's greatest regrets was that he didn't have the chance to get you thoroughly hammered before you became of age. He has passed on, and in turn passed this little coming of age ritual to me.” the goblin reached into a drawer of his desk and pulled out a bottle that was in the shape of a very strange looking skull.
Harry had no doubt that it was made of bone, he just didn't have the foggiest what was in it.
The goblin, sensing the wizard's apprehension smiled. “This is Blood whiskey. It's a goblin drink, so it's a bit stronger than firewhiskey, but not very much. There is also little to no chance of you suffering from a hangover from drinking this.” The Goblin said. What he didn't say was that this particular vintage was well past it's prime age and was potent enough to kill a Giant who had a pituitary disorder. He also didn't say it was made from condensed Re'ems blood
The Goblin popped the cork, and waited a few moments for the smoke to dissipate. He then slid the bottle over to Harry.
“All right, young Potter. Give it a taste.” The Goblin said.
Harry sniffed the bottle but couldn't really smell much of anything coming from it. Seeing as he had no other way to claim his inheritance before Draco got it, he took a tentative sip.
“Hey, this is pretty good!” Harry said before downing the entire bottle.
The goblin grinned. The minor compulsion charm tied to the confundus worked wonderfully. All was going according to plan. The had about five minutes until they had to completely execute step 3. If they didn't do it just right, well it simply wouldn't be profitable.
“Okay, Mister Potter, only a few more steps until we can get you, your nice inheritance.”the goblin said as two others came into the room wearing suits of armor and sunglasses. The two newcomers helped the severely inebriated Harry climb up a towering column of steps that led to the rarely used roof of Gringotts.
“Okay mister Potter, before you can receive your inheritance you need to sign this document.” Snicker-snack said while putting a quill into the boy's hand. One of the goblins had a parchment attached to the back of his armor.
Harry almost managed the H of his first name......close enough.
“Right then, now then, Goblins strip him down and put on the helmet.” Snicker-snack commanded the other two.
There were some distinct ripping sounds and then Harry Potter was standing buck naked on the center of the roof of Gringotts wearing only a mushroom cap helmet that was made of what appeared to be silver with wings on each side.
“Okay, mister Potter. In order to get your inheritance you have to say these magic words... 'Klaatu verata nikto'
Harry had an intense look of concentration on his face then said. “Klaatu Verata Nekkid” before giggling and falling over dead.
The two other Goblins looked at Snicker-snack who simply said. “Wait for it.” as he put on his own pair of sunglasses.
Suddenly an amorphous blob of black mist poured out of Harry's lighting bolt shaped scar. It paused for a moment directly over Harry and then began to move directly towards the Goblins.
It never made it.
Suddenly a bolt of Purple lighting came down out of the sky, vaporizing the black mist before striking the metallic helmet that Harry was wearing.
The goblins blinked and waited for a few moments.
Harry suddenly sat up, belched a considerable amount of smoke and the helmet he was wearing seemed to seep into his skin. Harry giggled, fell back down and began snoring softly.
The Goblins looked at each other. One of the ones in armor said to Snicker-snack.
“You know that was one of the few artifacts we had that was made of solid mercury.” The goblin said softly.
Snicker-snack snorted. “It wasn't Goblin made.” He said simply
The other goblins nodded. “Good point. Let's get him inside and under the lamps. Are you sure this will work? I mean, none of us really expected to see purple lighting, well ever.”
Snicker-snack nodded. “Yes. I trust my source. Her insight has never led me wrong before.”
Luna Lovegood sneezed. She blinked and stared at her chest. “There go my nipples again.” She said while shivering slightly. “Someone must be talking about me! Mwuwhahahahahahahaha!” She laughed maniacally.
“Pumpkin?” came a voice.
Luna stopped laughing. “Yes Daddy?” She called.
“What have I told you about plotting?” came her father's voice in a stern tone.
“Not to do it on an empty stomach!” Luna called back, chastised.
“Right, Supper is in five minutes. You can plot after you do the dishes.” Her father called.
“Yes Daddy.” Luna said before she got up to go set the table.