Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy, Supernatural, Stargate, or Harry Potter.
AN: For humorous purposes only. Buffy's real family stories... Love them! Still gotta make fun of them though. Not really following any canon whatsoever.
Buffy looked at the four men in front of her in disbelief. There were two wizards, one looked sort of strange and the other was in desperate need of shampoo. Another had mentioned that he was once an U.S. Air Force General before implanting an alien creature inside him in order to live. The last had said that he hunted demons. Every single one of them had found out that she was the Slayer and had wanted to enlist her help in their cause, and to top it off, they had just told her some crazy news.
“So Hank Summers is not my real father?” Buffy asked incredulously. They all nodded. “But all four of you are? And my real mom wasn't Joyce Summers, it was Lily Evans? And now, I have four half-brothers and one half-sister?” Once again, they nodded their confirmation. “How is this even possible?”
“It involved lots of alcohol, magic, and an orgy.” Said the man who had introduced himself as John Winchester. He smiled in reminiscence. “I was hunting a demon in England and met them in some bar.”
“Yea, I remember that. I was there with some buddies celebrating. Lily was quite a beauty.” The man named Jacob Carter chimed in.
“Yes, this was when I was just starting out, still creating my plans. Lily had been drinking because of her fight with that infernal Potter. Severus had been trying to console her. Instead, she surprised us all.” The strange looking wizard smirked. The greasy-haired one known as Severus, scowled.
"What was the reasoning behind the pregnancy again? Something about yours and Severus' magical energy mixed with all of our combined sexual energy created an unusual effect, which resulted in a pregnancy spell?" John asked. The wizards nodded their confirmation.
“Whoa. Maybe that was an overshare.” Buffy cringed. She really didn't need to hear about these old guys in an orgy having sexual anything, especially that snake-looking one who had said his name was Lord Vollysomething. He looked evil and was starting to creep her out.
“Come on, kid. Give us a break. We were all young once.” Jacob winked.
“Yea, but I don't need details.” Buffy smiled reluctantly. Buffy liked him even though he was giving off some weird, demony-like vibes, but she didn't think he was evil.
“This shouldn't really surprise you. I'm sure someone as beautiful as you has had your fair share of suitors. You did get your good looks from me after all.” Lord Voldywart rasped out in his gravelly voice, somewhat arrogantly.
Buffy looked at him skeptically and said, “Somehow, I doubt that.”
Lord Voldy scowled. “I used to be quite the ladies man before my desire for world domination.” He sniffed defensively.
“Sure.” Buffy agreed insincerely. “Can I ask you guys something?” They nodded. “Where is my birth mother? Shouldn't she be here too?” Everyone looked at her awkwardly.
"What?" Buffy asked.
“She was murdered when your half-brother, Harry, was just a baby.” Severus explained. His voice held a hint of sadness tinged with guilt. Buffy wondered about that.
“Oh. How did she die?” Buffy asked curiously. Severus paled even more than he already was. Both John and Jacob glared at Lord Voldy.
“Oh I killed her. She got in my way when I tried to kill Harry.” Lord Moldy Shorts said unrepentantly.
“Excuse me?” Buffy wasn't sure she was hearing right. “You killed my mother and tried to kill my brother?”
A slight pause. "Yes."
"And now you have the gall to ask me to join you?" Lord Volleyball shrugged his shoulders.
“Evil wizard here.”
“Oh right.”Absurd much?