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Summary: Willow tries to keep Xander safe, by sending him away from battle using a teleport spell she barely read. Xander's in for quite a trip, pity the multiverse.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > General(Current Donor)dogbertcarrollFR181135,57891409194,27612 Apr 084 Mar 14No

No deposit, No return

No deposit, No return

Xander and Martian Manhunter entered the station’s cafeteria, discussing various options for special effects, with Zatanna following just behind them, because she wanted to keep an eye on the axe wielding lunatic and was a bit concerned about him ‘recruiting’.

“My god, are you ok?” Plastic Man stared at the blood soaked figure with the sliced open shirt.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I blame Zatanna for all the blood tho’,” Xander confided to the stretchy cat-burglar turned crime fighter.

J’onn, still in his Xander guise, turned towards Zatanna and intoned loudly, “His blood is on your hands!”

“What? I didn’t do it!” Zatanna looked down and noticed that she had gotten a lot of his blood on her hands, when she was checking to see if he was still wounded.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” Xander said, staring off into nothing.

“It was actually about five minutes ago,” J’onn pointed out.

Xander elbowed him. “Yeah, but my memory sucks. Work with me here! I came to, lying on the ground, covered in blood with her hands…” Xander sniffled like he was about to cry.

J’onn quickly shifted into the form of a 60’s police officer holding an anatomically correct doll in his right hand. “It’s ok, son. Now, show me on the doll where she touched you.”

“AARRGGHHH!!” Zatanna stormed off.

Plastic Man started snickering as he got the joke. “So you’re ok then?”

“Peachy with a side of keen and hankerin’ for some pie,” the demon slayer announced before turning and almost bumping into Galatea who’d been attracted to the commotion.

Xander just stared.

“Hey, my eyes are up here,” she snapped, a bit annoyed.

“Yes and mine are down here. I think we just discovered yet another one of your super powers.”

“What,” she asked, confused.

“Your breasts seem to have magnetically attracted my eyes. I… I can’t look away,” Xander said, as seriously as he could fake it at the moment.

Galatea chuckled, not used to someone being so forward with her. “And what’s yours, super-lechery?”

“I have an eighteen inch tongue and the ability to breathe through my ears,” the teen stated, not looking away from the objects of his fascination.

“Hah, like I haven’t heard that before.” She rolled her eyes at him.

“Want me to prove it,” Xander replied, still not looking away from her chest, as his tongue shot out to lick his forehead, to everyone’s complete amazement, with the noticeable exception of Plastic Man, who was mumbling about no one being that impressed when he did it.

“You can breathe through your ears too,” Galatea asked, shocked at someone actually having a set of super powers based on a bad pickup line.

“Nope, but I can hold my breath for about fifteen minutes and I am amazed I can lick my forehead. Personally I blame Fate. Well, not so much blame as praise.”

“Fate gave you an eighteen inch tongue and the ability to hold your breath for a quarter of an hour,” Plastic Man questioned.

“My swim coach and some demonic steroids is credited with the breath holding, but Dr. Fate’s cancellation of my protection amulet is what’s left me with the tongue,” Xander explained. “I knew having someone cast a spell on me was a bad idea, but this is one side effect I don’t mind.”

“Can you please, look at my eyes when you’re talking to me,” Galatea asked, finding this whole conversation to be the most fun she’d had all week.

“Well, I could, but I suspect that I probably wouldn’t be able to look at your breasts at the same time, which, you must admit, is a major downside for me and plus, I have the sneaking suspicion that you can do super puppy-dog eyes and bend me to your will. So my choices are really between beholding the most beautiful sight in the whole of creation or becoming your helpless slave. Hmmm… decisions, decisions.”

“You know I can break you in half with my pinky right?"

"I'm used to it." Xander grinned, unrepentantly.

"You have balls, you know that?"

"Right now, I am sooo resisting a comment that would get me killed."

Galatea giggled, enjoying flirting with someone who wasn’t afraid of her, before begging, “Please, please, please?”

Xander whined like a kicked puppy, before bringing his eyes up to meet hers and froze. “Damn, and I thought your breasts were impressive.”

Galatea blushed, as he stared into her eyes with an intensity she wasn’t used to. Neither Cadmus nor the JL had prepared her for this situation.

J’onn winced, as a large, blue, horned figure cut between the two.

“Excuse me, coming through,” Blue Devil aka Daniel Cassidy said, as he headed for the buffet.

"DEMON", Xander yelled, his eyes flickering amber as he swung his axe with all his might at the blue, horned figure in front of him.

J’onn was prepared this time however and smacked Xander down, with an arm shaped like a giant rolled up newspaper, morphing into himself and then back into a Xander clone. “Bad doggy!”

“Owww,” Xander whined from the floor, the shock of being slammed to the ground snapping him out of his axe happy phase. “Let me guess, another hero who just happens to be a demon?”

“Actually, I’m a stuntman and special effects artist, mystically bonded to a costume I designed,” the Blue Devil explained, as Xander climbed to his feet and shook his hand.

“Xander L. Harris, dimensionally displaced demon hunter and general confection retriever,” Xander offered.

“Dimensionally misplaced,” Galatea asked, curious.

“Yep. My normal home is the mouth of hell, but someone cast a spell and boom, I’m suddenly in this universe, annoying people until I either get recalled or sent home. Etrigan is talking to Dr. Fate about finding a way to send me home, which is complicated by me being from closer to the core of realities, I’d guess. I could get recalled by the people at home, but their spellcasting abilities leave a lot to be desired, so I figure I’ll be here for quite some time,” he finished cheerfully.

“And you generally yell out ‘demon’ and attempt to kill anyone with horns,” Daniel asked, a bit amused. “And why are you covered in blood?”

Xander shrugged. “I see a demon, I attack a demon. It’s a survival skill that is much in demand when you’re hometown is built on the Hellmouth. Of course, running away screaming is what the smarter and much longer lived people do. I am covered in blood because I had a run in with Etrigan, who apparently took offense at my traditional hometown greeting and carved out my stomach and liver with my own axe.”

J’onn snickered. “Well to be fair, you did ask him to.”

Xander grinned and held up his axe, still a bit crusty with his own blood. “I needed a spell cast, so I’d stop losing my axe and playing ginsu with my internal organs was part of the price. Remember never to ask him for help finding your car keys.”

There was a loud growl from Xander’s stomach.

“Of course the new stomach has never had any food in it before,” he turned to Galatea. “Would you like to help me break it in?”

“Are you asking me on a date,” she teased. “Because I rarely date blood soaked figures. A girl simply has to have her standards.”

Xander stood his axe on the ground in front of him and crossed his arms on it, leaning forward intently. “I am fully prepared to get down on my hands and knees and beg, if that’s what it takes. Of course I’ll be ogling your legs while I’m down there, so I win either way.”

Galatea laughed, finding she was liking this strange guy who treated her like a normal girl, but before she could respond, Superman showed up.

“Excuse me, but we have a mission and I wanted you to come with. We have a green lantern, behaving a bit oddly and you’re insight is desperately needed,” Superman fudged, wanting to get Xander away from his naïve sorta-cousin and figuring his unique knowledge could actually be useful.

Xander spotted John Stewart eating nearby and trying to ignore him. He couldn’t let that go by, now could he? “I knew it. Those rings are from a crackerjack box, aren’t they? Hmm. I wonder how many boxes I’d have to eat to join the Green Lantern Corps?”

John ground his teeth together and despite the fact that he was being baited couldn’t help but respond. “You will never be part of the Corps! It takes dedication and self sacrifice. To be called as a member, requires a standard of morals and honor that I can’t see you possessing!”

Xander wasn’t given time to respond to that, as Superman drug him off quickly, not wanting to get into an argument with John.

“J’onn see about getting BD involved too and Galatea I’ll have to take a raincheccckk,” Xander’s voice dopplered off, as Superman made tracks.

Wonder Woman quickly followed, deciding not to bring along Aquaman, who had built two large rounded hills out of his mashed potatoes that looked disturbingly like breasts and was mumbling, “This means something.”


“So,” Buffy attempted. “We are down a slayer, a watcher, and a Scoob for the weekend?”

“Looks like,” Oz commented, as Willow went over their diagram a third time, making sure it was perfect.

“I don’t believe there is anything major planned over the next two days. For some reason, most of the really large demonic problems occur either on specific dates or during a weeknight. I think the increase in nighttime activity during the weekend, by humans, changes the normal demonic focus from frenzy to feeding,” Giles opinioned.

“Frenzy,” Oz questioned.

The watcher blushed a bit and examined the book in his hand more than necessary to cover up his embarrassment. “I needed a word starting with f and that was the best fit I could find for the moment, but rest assured my watcher’s diary will have something far more pithy in it.”

“Pithy,” Willow grinned.

“Yes indeed and I shall describe myself as being a bit taller and with a full head of hair,” Giles said, attempting to lighten the mood.

The girls giggled and even Oz seemed to snicker for a second.

Satisfied with having cheered the three remaining teens up a bit, he examined Willow and Oz’s carefully chalked diagram. “Very nice work. As the earlier spell showed, we have everything we need to cast and I can see no errors in your casting circle, so proceed when you feel ready.”

Willow smiled and stepped into the circle.

Buffy and Oz stepped back to give the red haired hacker turned witch some room.

Willow held the book in front of her, not trusting her memory for something this important and began speaking in the strangely liquid sounding tongue that she had used earlier. She started out at a whisper and slowly raised her volume till she was practically shouting by the end of the spell, unseen winds whipping her hair around her, bringing an aura of power that surrounded her.

A wavering image of a blood soaked Xander, carry an axe, flickered briefly before being eclipsed by a yellow horned visage who peered at them avidly. “Three I see, rash and without care, who else would so dare, to spy on a demon and expect him to be unaware?”

Giles quickly stepped forward, his days as a rebellious demon summoning youth actually coming in handy for once. “As I speak, so shall you be bound. A question for a question, answers true to be found.”

“A simple enough binding, but not as strong as you think you’ll be finding,” the demon grinned widely; baiting petitioners was almost as much fun as teasing the Bat.

“Can we skip the rhyming, please? I always end up with orange as the last word and the whole class laughing at me,” Buffy stepped out from behind Giles, complaining.

“As you are one of my kin, I can attest… *ahem* Sure. Takes some of the fun out of it, but I was planning on leaving one of you trying to rhyme something with silver. Orange is overdone.”

Willow spoke up, “We’re looking for a friend.”

Etrigan considered the truth of that statement before answering in kind, “I’ve found a few. It helps if you reek bloody vengeance on their foes. I’ve made several friends that way.”

The corner of Oz’s mouth twitched up, but he manfully forced it back down.

“We are looking for a particular friend,” the red headed witch explained.

“Trust me, all my friends are particular, but then, normal is overrated.”

Buffy stamped her foot. “We want to find Xander!”

“And I want to lose him,” the demon quickly added, covering his surprise. “But the order mage I’m working with says we can’t send him home without knowing where to send him and with the stars lined up properly. I know where to send him now, but the stars won’t be in alignment for at least a week maybe more.”

“He’s there,” Willow blurted out, eyes wide.

“Yes, someone ripped his dimensional alignment loose, casting him out of your reality and further out into the fringe.”

“Is he ok? Can we see him,” babbled the witch.

The demon considered that for a moment. “I’ll never consider him ok, but he was going to lunch last time I checked and this spell is about at the limits of its effects.”

“You’re working on sending him back here,” Giles asked, making sure he knew what was going on.

“He’s… annoying and I’d prefer he wasn’t wandering around the universe without his keepers, to keep the damage to a minimum,” the demon complained as the spell faded out.

“Well,” Giles said, but couldn’t figure quite what to say after that.

“So, Xander’s in a hell dimension and he’s annoyed the locals enough that they hired a mage to send him home,” Buffy questioned.

“Looks like,” Oz nodded.

“He appears to be safe at least,” Willow said, hopefully.
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