Title: Fool’s Consequences
Rating: FR-21 (eventually, probably, knowing me)
Disclaimer: I am not J.K Rowling, so clearly do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters, settings, events, or other recognizable features of this fic. Nor do I own any other characters, milieu, or events you may recognize should this become a crossover at some point in future. If it does, I shall announce it in the salient chapter and disclaim ownership at the appropriate point. Also, I do not own the story “Draco Malfoy and the Enlightening Experience”, but am borrowing the first parts with permission from JoeHundredaire with his permission because it inspired me to write, and I’ve been suffering from horribly long term writer’s block. Full text of the Review in question (minus an irrelevant comment from myself referencing yet another if joe's most entertaining stories. If you want to see the comment, go read the actual review here- http://www.tthfanfic.org/readreviews.php?no=15780&by=310 ) is as follows :
"Chapter "Chapter Six":
Oh, Gods! My brain just went off on a lovely little Harry/girl Draco sidetrip. It would make a really funny twist if your Draco wound up playing Pansy's part in a version of Norwegianne's "Hell has surely frozen over". That's now in my head. The bunny has attacked me! I might write something like that. If I do, may I borrow Andromeda/Draco, or shall I simply credit you for the idea and make up my own way he became a girl? I think it would be funnier if you let me borrow 'her'. Pretty please? This is the first time my muse has poked me in months aside from the short one-shot that TOOK two months to write!
Purely for the sake of inspiring my seemingly comatose muse, you get a ten!
Post Script: Yay! *bounces* Thanks, Joe. *hugs you*
Comments from author:
Go nuts. If you want to set it during year 6/HBP, you can even borrow the first chapter or three (they're all fairly short); I'd recommend removing stuff that says "Joe's Note" and referencing that you have my permission so that I don't end up finding a plagiarism report floating around in the mod mailbox. :)
And you never know who might end up with Andromeda in this story...
Review Date [16 Mar 08] • Rating [10/10] • Edit Review"
Please do not report me for plagiarism of this wonderful fic, as I’m using it with his full knowledge and consent, and have followed his instructions on how to handle his story to the letter. That fic is the intellectual property of its author and I claim no credit or rights to it in any form. (A vague disclaimer is nobody’s friend, especially in a case like this one!)
Author’s Notes: Edit: I am reposting the parts I wrote, with updated spelling, and minor corrections. This is not a rewrite, just a gentle tightening of the story, with a few plot inconsistencies fixed along the way.
Edit 2: October 10: I'm a monstrous nerd, and printed this entire thing, up through chapter 33, and did manual redlines. There were too many typos STILL, so I've gone through and checked them. Please note, though that I only did this for the STORY, not the author's notes. My notes are stream of consciousness. I don't really worry about editing them later. What I said when I wrote them is what I leave there. That said, over the next week or so I'll be plugging the fixes in as I have time. Starting today.
Point of interest, this looks like it might turn out a bit dark. My muse has taken to lurking in dark corners, smirking, and whispering at me, so it might end up a somewhat twisted as well. Cruelty seems to be the order of the day for him. *blinks* Wait a second… Aw hell, don’t look now, people, but I think Angelus is taking an interest in this one. I’ve been wondering where he got off to, actually. For those who care, my muses wear several faces. Angelus wrote “A Twist in Time”. The others each have their pet projects, though sometimes I end up with several ‘voices’ chiming in on what to do with a given story, or nobody saying anything. And this will probably wind up being a crossover, too, so you know. Willow just poked me, and James and Sirius are sniggering in the background. Joy. This one’s going to get weird. Oh well, all I can do is hang on and hope the ride goes somewhere. Have fun, people!
I’m reposting the first three chapters of the original version of Joe Hundredaire’s immensely funny fic “Draco Malfoy and the Enlightening Experience” which can be found here: http://tthfanfic.org/D6ci , because a bunny bit me while reading the first several chapters and he told me I could borrow the ‘first chapter or three’, as I mentioned a possible direction that I’m sure many have thought of, and I’m moved to attempt. (Though since then I’ve had more fun reading what HE writes, rather than actually trying to express what the bunny has been harassing me to write. First bit borrowed directly from that fic with permission. Thanks, Joe!)
Art by christytrekkie. Isn't it beautiful?
1. #001: Beginnings
Draco Malfoy scowled and alternated between stirring his potion and glaring at Harry Potter. Damnable Potter. It was bad enough that Slughorn didn't recognize his family's greatness and heaped attention on Potter for no good reason, but now his nemesis was outperforming him in potions as well. That was intolerable. Potions was HIS class. Even Granger didn't outperform him inside this one classroom… and yet now Potter was.
Well it was time to put a stop to that. Draco hefted a chunk of an ingredient that he honestly didn't even recognize, stolen earlier from Slughorn's inadequately guarded storeroom. One gentle lob and Potter's potion would explode in his face, ruining his streak of perfection and maybe even landing the prat in the hospital wing as a bonus.
Or maybe even worse. Draco grimaced as he thought back to the task he'd been set to for the year. How the bloody hell was he supposed to kill a wizard like Dumbledore? He was fairly certain the task had been given because the Dark Lord was annoyed at his father for being captured at the Department of Mysteries, and he was supposed to fail miserably. But… maybe if he could maim or even kill Potter, You-Know-Who would lift the insane burden currently riding on his shoulders?
Looking back and forth, Draco smiled. Slughorn was nowhere to be seen, Potter and the Weasel were bickering with their mudblood friend… the time was now. Draco pulled his arm back, took aim… and then grunted as he was slammed into from behind, dropping the unknown item into his own cauldron. He stared down in horror as his potion abruptly went from a deep blue color to a bright pink.
"Oh, sorry about that m'boy!" Slughorn's jovial voice boomed in his ear and a hand came down on his shoulder. "If you can come this evening, I'll let you make up the lesson since I don't think you can salvage the potion now. Entirely my fault; I see no reason to punish you."
Draco was mute as Slughorn waddled away, staring at the potion. No. It wasn't fair. Potter was supposed to be staring at a ruined potion right now, not him! Why? Why why WHY?!
And then the potion exploded in his face, and the world went pink… then black.
2. #005: Outsides
Draco opened his eyes and groaned as he took in white as far as the eyes could see. Hospital wing. Oh joy. He momentarily wondered how he'd ended up there before the accident in potions came back to him and he groaned. The… whatever… meant to sabotage Potter's potion had fallen in his, causing the mess to turn pink and blow up in his face. And now he was here. Oh, and he probably still owed Slughorn a make-up session after dinner.
Sitting up in bed, Draco ran through his usual post-disaster ritual. Wiggle the left arm. Check. Wiggle the right arm. Check. Left leg. Check. Left arm. Check. Okay, he could feel all his body parts, so he hadn't had anything blown off, melted off, or otherwise removed from his body. He could see, smell, and hear… so no deep damage to his face. Cosmetic damage could be repaired if one had enough money and his family definitely had enough money. Then he looked down and his mind came to a screeching halt.
That was not his body. It wasn't. His body was, while a bit on the lean side, decidedly male. He did not have rounded, feminine hips that made his pants feel too tight. Or, for that matter, breasts that caused sizable bulges, pushing up inside a shirt and jumper that had formerly been fitted to a flat, male chest. Grabbing the waistband of his trousers, Draco peeked inside. Scratch that, something HAD been removed by the potion. Something terribly important at that.
Something had gone horribly, horribly wrong… when that bright pink potion exploded in his face. Oh bugger. He didn't even know what he'd dropped into the potion, but how could the simple skin-revitalizing potion Slughorn had put them to work on have done this, even if horribly botched?
"How… how could this happen to me?!" Oh Merlin. He even SOUNDED like a girl. This was wrong on so many levels, he couldn't even begin to count them all.
"I suspect the nargles."
3. #015: Blue
The new voice made Draco grab his wand and twist, a hex already on his lips and just begging to be unleashed on… Loony Lovegood? Then he replayed the words in his head. 'I suspect the nargles.' Of course it would be Lovegood. Who else would come up with tripe like that, much less in response to the question he'd asked?
While he loathed Potter, was disgusted by Weasley, and Granger offended his pureblood sensibilities… Lovegood actually frightened him a bit. He'd first met her when she wandered deep into the Slytherin dungeons back in his second year, during the Chamber of Secrets incident, and her spacey manner and odd eyes had unsettled him then. Now that she was older and had fought Death Eaters at the Ministry… she was downright eerie.
Although it did beg an important question: why was she here to witness this humiliation? And since his legilimency skills were about as well developed as the Weasley family's investment portfolio… "Loony? What are you doing here?"
"Did the nargles take your eyesight as well?" Luna hopped down off the bed next to his and closed the gap between them, invading his personal space and peering into his eyes. "They're quite pretty. It'd be a shame if they didn't work."
What the bloody hell? He'd known she was a few cards short of an Exploding Snap deck, but this was ridiculous. "My eyes work fine, you little lunatic. Get away from me!" Draco pushed Luna back, ashamed to notice that his new feminine form had even less upper body strength than his male body had possessed and that Luna had moved back more from the step she took than from the push he gave her.
Then he noticed the Ravenclaw blue streaks in her pale blonde hair, likely remnants of a spell gone wrong, and felt even more ashamed of himself. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, released it, and then opened them. "I can see fine. You need to have your hair fixed, don't you?"
Luna shook her head. "Actually, I rather like my hair this way. I was hoping the Madam could tell me a spell to keep it from being reverted back to normal by my peers. They'd be petty enough to undo their own prank if they realized I liked it. I was even thinking of braiding it later." She cocked her head to the side and stared at him. "You know, your hair is almost the same length now. Would you like braids too?"
Draco pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. Why him?
Now to show you what an overfed plot bunny can come up with:
Chapter One: Revelations
Two days later, Draco found himself sitting beside his mother in the Headmaster’s office, in robes his mother had brought along for him. They were from her own wardrobe, as his no longer fit his drastically altered form. Granted, Narcissa’s clothes were slightly too long for him, as he had apparently lost nearly a foot in height, but having his clothing touch the floor was preferable to them dragging underfoot and risking falling into an undignified heap. When he shifted in his seat, he flinched as his ridiculously long hair pulled uncomfortably under his bum.
His mother shot him a quelling look. “Draco, dear, do stop fidgeting.” Turning her attention from her offspring, Narcissa addressed the Headmaster. “Professor Dumbledore, it’s my understanding that your school nurse has been unable to find a solution to this… problem?”
Dumbledore nodded gravely. “That’s correct, Mrs. Malfoy. Poppy, and both of the Master Alchemists I have in my employ have analyzed the potion your son accidentally created and exposed himself to, and each has given me the same report. While we are relatively certain that it was unintentional, he appears to have introduced a piece of purified cordate sirene
to his potion base at a moment when it was particularly volatile, resulting in the effect you see before you. Professors Slughorn and Snape have taken an inventory of their stores. Severus discovered the specific jar it came from to be one of his highly restricted materials, protected under blood wards and labelled with warnings of expulsion should any student attempt to tamper with them.”
Narcissa’s already alabaster complexion gradually paled throughout Dumbledore’s explanation, and by the time the old man finished, she was whiter than fresh parchment. She drew a few short, sharp breaths through her nose before clearing her throat softly. “Might I speak to my son in private a moment, professor?”
“Certainly, Mrs. Malfoy.”
She stood, fixing her errant child with a commanding look, and glided regally into a small anteroom attached to the main office. Draco followed, afraid of his mother for the first time he could remember.
“Close the door.” Feeling as though he’d swallowed a ward stone, Draco obeyed. “Sit down,” Narcissa sighed. “Before I make any decisions, I must know what you were doing. I expect the truth, and you will not withhold anything from me, is that understood?”
“Good. Why did you steal from Severus?”
“I thought the ingredient was part of Slughorn’s stores.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Did you? Why would you think something labelled as belonging to Severus did in fact belong to Horace?”
Draco blushed and stammered, “I, erm, I didn’t, erm, exactly, ahh, read the jar…”
Icy blue eyes narrowed dangerously. “What?” Her voice was soft, silky, and lethally cold.
He straightened. “I didn’t read the jar; I was just looking for something small that looked like it wouldn’t be missed for awhile. That jar had a lot of dust around it, like it hadn’t been moved for some time.”
“You were stealing something without knowing or caring what it was. Why?”
Draco hesitated, until his mother’s cold frown threatened to deepen into a glare. “I was going to ruin Potter’s potion with it,” he admitted in a rush. “I didn’t know it would do… this!”
Narcissa closed her eyes for a moment and drew a calming breath. Appearing to gather her thoughts, she dipped her chin downward and a slight crease appeared between her perfectly arched brows. When she opened her eyes again, they pinned her offspring like an insect under examination. “Draco, you have caused me an immense amount of grief in the past. If this situation cannot be reversed-“
“It has to be! You can’t let them leave me this way! You must-“
“I must? I must do nothing, my arrogant child. You have created this imbroglio for yourself, and if there is no solution available, you will comport yourself appropriately as befits a witch of the Black bloodline. Do I make myself perfectly clear?”
Draco was fairly certain he was doing a marvellous impersonation of a grounded carp at that moment, but he found himself at a complete loss for words. Numbly, he nodded his understanding. When he woke from his accident, he never imagined that he may have turned himself permanently female. All he could think was, Well, bugger. Now what?
He followed his mother when she returned to the Headmaster’s office, and quickly reclaimed his seat in the chair before Dumbledore’s desk.
Ignoring Draco entirely, Narcissa cut directly to the heart of the matter. “Professor, is there a way to reverse this… effect?”
Dumbledore looked toward the door, beyond Draco’s left shoulder. “Severus?”
Draco’s head spun so fast he was surprised he didn’t hurt himself as he looked back to see his godfather standing just inside the office doorway. Severus Snape’s aquiline features were impassive, his dark eyes giving nothing away as they settled on his godchild. A chill ran down Draco’s spine as, in a moment of absolute clarity, he knew. If there had been hope for a reversal, his godfather would have been amused, and a bit irritated with him. He would not be completely closed off like this. The young blond clenched his jaw to stop himself from crying out a denial, and swallowed back the knot that rose in his throat.
In an uncharacteristically gentle tone, Severus Snape delivered the news that would forever change the life of the heir of the Malfoy family estate. “When Mr. Malfoy added the cordate sirene
to his potion base at that precise point in its brewing, he managed to successfully formulate a compound that is on the Ministry of Magic’s list of most restricted medical alchemical formulae. It is not illegal, but the mixing and distribution of it is carefully regulated and requires several permits, waivers, and fees. The reason for these measures is due to the dual hazards inherent in the potion’s instability and irreversibility. As Mr. Malfoy discovered, the alchemist who brews the potion is as likely to be the one affected by it if the composition is not carried out precisely perfectly to within a tenth of a second in timing. Fortunately, he only experienced the lesser effect. The potion is actually designed to change the sex of the affected witch or wizard, and is absolutely without cure. It could also have killed him and everyone in the room, had it been even a few more seconds away from the critical mixing point.
“Because he is underage, he is not subject to certain disciplinary actions mandated for those who compound this potion without the correct permits and waivers from the Ministry having been completed. However, his, or should I perhaps begin to say her future is somewhat in debate at this point. The contract to Miss Parkinson is, of course, invalid. As Miss Malfoy’s current male ad hoc guardian, the Ministry contacted me with the particulars of the dispensation of the attendant forfeitures and penalties that have been assigned in accordance with the bylaws regarding unauthorized composition of alchemical materials. There is also the matter of his having stolen a highly restricted ingredient from my personal stores, something only he, of all the students in this school, would have been able to do, owing to his blood relation to myself. Due to the fact that despite our blood tie I am not the Head of any of the Noble Houses, I have been summarily exempted from and mandated to act in the role of executor of the Ministry’s demand that Miss Malfoy fall subject to subparagraph three of article five of the eighth disciplinary Decree.”
Narcissa gasped as all colour leached from her face, and Dumbledore blanched. Draco, who had never seen the Headmaster unnerved, suddenly found himself equal parts confused and terrified. “Professor? What does that mean?”(Yes, I'm evil, and will leave you hanging off the edge of this cliff! Mwahahahaha!!!!) Review, and I'll pull you off the edge soon, though. The next chapter is already in the works, I promise.