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The List

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Summary: The people in Xanders life decided to create a list of things he is no longer allowed to do. Xander decides to make the list as interesting as possible.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy > Xander-CenteredDragonhulkFR1567,85085833,60325 Apr 0811 Feb 12No

Rules 22 through 27

“Xander, why are we hiding in this bunker?” asked Robin.

“Because the Red Tide is at hand us my friend. Now that the Slayers have been cohabitating their womanly body functions have begun to synchronize. This event is to be feared when only normal women are involved, but when said women can separate us from our man parts with their bare hands it is time for us to hide until things have calmed down,” said Xander.

“Um, what happens if a demon attacks while we’re down here?” asked a nameless NITWIT in a red shirt.

“Then we hope that they work out their anger on the demon instead of us. If they don’t then we pray that they gave the poor SOB a quick death,” stated Robin. As a full grown man who was dating Faith the black man was silently singing Xander’s praises. He had faced off against some of the nastier hell spawn in his life so he could handle one slayer on PMS, but an entire house full would have turned his hair white.

Any further conversation was cut off by the screech of metal bending. All the males watched in a horrid fascination as the four inch thick steel door that separated their refuge from the rest of the world began to warp, before being completely torn from the hinges.

“Hey, is Xander in there?” asked Buffy in a rather perky voice. “Andrew told me he referred to a somewhat embarrassing bodily function as the Week of Doom, and I want to talk to him about that.”

“He also called it the Red Tide!” said Robin in what many would call a girlish shriek as he threw Xander towards the entrance in the hopes that a living sacrifice would spare everyone else.

“Traitors!” shouted the condemned sacrifice as he was dragged off. “So help me, if any of you eat even one of my Twinkies now; I’m so going to come back and haunt your ass!”

22) 'That Time of the Month' may not be referred to as 'The Week of Doom' or 'The Red Tide.'


“Oh come on, this is blatant abuse of power!” ranted Xander. “You guys have called my dates a lot worse and I haven’t said anything.”

“Your last two girlfriends tried to end the world X,” commented Faith from where she was enjoying the floor show.

“So not the point,” muttered Xander. “I still say that Buffy’s are just as bad.”

“Gendo is human, he has a soul, he isn’t going to destroy the world, and you calling him the ‘demon of the week’ is sending the wrong message to the younger Slayers,” said Buffy as she finished writing down the twenty third rule on the List. “Now if you’ll excuse me I have a date to get ready for.”

“You’re my witness,” said Xander as he pointed at Faith. “This guy may have passed the background checks we had all the surviving members of the old Council go through, and raising his Slayer looks good on paper, but there is something seriously wrong with Rei. She may be like that normally but I’m putting my money on Gendo being a major contributor, and this ending very badly.”

“Fine, I’m your witness,” said Faith as she put her hands up in the air in exasperation. “B’s got a point though, even if he turns out to be a serial killer or something it still wouldn’t beat wanting to end the world.”

23) May not call Buffy's boyfriend 'the demon of the week.'


“It would have worked,” grumbled Xander as he watched Buffy destroy the charts he would have used during the next meeting.

“No,” said Buffy as she took the charts shredded remains and compacted them into a garbage can small enough that she probably broke at least three laws of physics to make everything fit.

“We need money that doesn’t come from creepy guy’s like-“

“That name has been forbidden under penalty of extreme pain. That’s beside the point though; it’s degrading so the answer is still no.”

“It would be volunteers only, all of whom would be legal. We wouldn’t even be doing anything that’s really adult, just some vids of the girls in tight workout clothes showing off their moves, maybe some clips of them taking out a demon or vamp.”

“No one would pay to see stuff like that.”

“I had Faith do a solo test run and she made like ten grand in a month. Hot girl plus violence equals hormonal teenage boys parting with their money.”

That made Buffy pause for a few moments as if she was considering it before she said, “The answer is still no. If you really think we can make some money off of this try selling it to Hollywood or something.”

“Oh no, the crack has saturated the air making everyone in that town insane. If I sell the story there it will be warped and mutilated into something that will require us to kill some people on general principle alone.”

“This is because of the rumor that they’re rebooting Star Trek isn’t it,” stated Buffy as she recalled the current geek argument that Xander and Andrew were having.

“You’re darn right it is,” said Xander with a firm nod of his head. “They plan to mess with the true classics here Buff; no good can come from such actions. Mark my words once this movie comes out the fans will rise as one in fury to destroy those who created such an abomination.”

“Whatever,” said Buffy, with a dismissive wave of her hand. “The answer is still no, and just to get the point across I’m making it a rule.”

24) May not propose as a money-making venture.


“Shave,” said Buffy as she tossed a can of shaving cream at Xander.

“Not happening!” cried Xander as he dodged the projectile. “It’s every man’s right to grow a full beard at least once in his life.”

“Shave,” said Willow as she picked up the can and began to chase Xander.

“Oh come on, if I have a beard I can complete the pirate look. People can call me Blackbeard!” said Xander as he ran around the room dodging his oldest friend as she made the occasional lunge to try and capture him.

Laughing at the antics of the main three, Faith stood up, pulled her shirt over her head and said, “Shave.”

“Boobies,” said Xander with a nod of agreement as he took the can of shaving cream from Willow and left the room, his mind significantly fried that all he could do was agree.

“And that is how you get a man to agree with you,” said Faith as she put her shirt back on and sat down.

“Dawn, where are you going?” asked Buffy as her sister began to leave the room.

“Just making sure someone is around if he needs more treatments before he finishes shaving.”

“One meeting, just one meeting with everyone present not dissolving into pure chaos, that’s all I asked for,” moaned Giles as he looked at how everyone was reacting in what was supposed to be a simple budget meeting.

“Now we just have to say that he isn’t allowed to grow a beard on the list and we’re golden,” said Buffy, completely ignoring Giles.

“I think that we need a better reason. If it doesn’t at least look like we’re trying to protect Xander’s life or their sanity everyone else will think we’re just being mean to Xander.”

“I got it,” said Buffy as inspiration struck.

25) May not request to be called "Blackbeard."


“Why?” asked Buffy as she rubbed her head, trying to get rid of the pressure she could already feel forming.

“Well I just got this nifty card and thought it would be the responsible thing to share my knowledge,” said Xander as he showed Buffy the card. “Besides Faith thought it was a good idea.”

“Faith thinking something is a good idea is a sure sign that it’s morally wrong and probably against the law in most states,” pointed out Buffy. “Now in case that isn’t clear enough let me come outright and say: no, you can’t teach a Sex Ed class. Also no, I don’t care that you have a card that says you’re qualified, it just isn’t happening.”

26) I am not a certified sex instructor, even if I have a card that says I am.


“I only called you that once!” complained Xander. “Once and I’ve had that one on hand for months now, just waiting for the right moment to use it!”

“You used it right as I was going to bed with Faith, once was enough,” growled Robin.

“You’re way too sensitive,” replied Xander. “Besides if I can’t use your first name I’ll have to use your last. Do you really want me going there?”

“Bring it; I haven’t let those jokes get to me since I finished High School.”

Further arguments were halted as Faith slinked into the room, wrapped her hands around Robin and said in a husky voice, “Morning Man Wonder.”

“Man Wonder?” asked Xander.

“What can I say, some stereotypes have some biases in fact, and my man is all man,” said Faith with a smirk.

27) Robin is never to be referred to as 'The Boy Wonder.'

The End?

You have reached the end of "The List" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 11 Feb 12.

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