Disclaimer: the characters in this story do not belong to me, but are being used for amusement only and all rights remain with Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the writers of the original episodes, and the TV and production companies responsible for the original television shows. ANGEL (c)2001 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All Rights Reserved. The ANGEL trademark is used without express permission from Fox. ‘Sex and the City’ was based upon an original work by Candace Bushnell but copyright is held by Darren Star and HBO.Tentacle Sex and the City
The woman’s lip curled in a sneer. “Manolo Blahnik,” she said. “I remember him when he was a volcano god. Now he shapes coverings for the feet of female humans. I may be diminished, as is he, but never would I stoop so low.”
“Hey, don’t diss the shoes,” Carrie protested. “These were five hundred and sixty five dollars at Neiman Marcus. That deserves some respect.”
The woman tilted her head to one side and focused her oddly crystalline eyes upon the footwear in question. “That he finds fools willing to part with large sums for such apparel does not reduce my contempt. Enough of such trivia. I have been sent here to speak with you and your companions, Carrie Bradshaw, for I am informed that you all have great expertise in a certain matter.”
“I don’t do personal consultations,” Carrie pointed out. “You can read my column like everybody else.”
“That is not an acceptable option,” the odd woman said. “You are not my subjects, and will not give me the obedience that is mine by right, and so I shall purchase your services according to the customs of your so-called civilization.” She opened her bag, took out a gleaming bar of metal, and handed it to Carrie.
“Hey, is this…” Carrie began, and then yelped and snatched her foot away as she dropped the object and it plummeted to the floor. “That is heavy
,” she said, looking down at the golden bar and then across at the leather-clad girl who had passed it over so casually. “I was going to ask if it was real gold but I think it’s just answered that question for itself.”
“Of course it is real gold,” said the woman. “Using radioactive bombardment to transform lead into gold is inefficient. These are refined ingots from the vaults of Wolfram and Hart.” She produced another bar from her bag and passed it to Samantha, who braced herself and took hold of it with both hands, and then repeated her actions twice more for Charlotte and Miranda.
“Twelve point five kilogram bars, right?” asked Charlotte. The leather-clad woman nodded curtly. “That’s about four hundred ounces,” Charlotte went on. “The last price I saw was eight hundred and eighty four dollars an ounce. Holy shit.”
“That’s a lot of shoes,” Carrie said. “I think this puts a whole different spin on the ‘no personal consultations’ thing.”
“We’re all in different fields,” Samantha pointed out. “I’m in PR, Miranda’s a lawyer, Charlotte runs an art gallery and Carrie writes a newspaper column on relationship advice. Now, I don’t want to turn down the gold, but I don’t see what advice you can want that would need input from all of us. You look to me like you’re in the music business. I can maybe see a connection between the PR and the legal advice but not where the other two come in.”
“Who are you, anyway?” asked Miranda. “You mentioned Wolfram and Hart? They’re bad news. If that gold came from their vaults they might want it back and that would be something I don’t want any part of.”
“I am Illyria,” the woman declared, “God-king that was, ruler of much of this continent during the glacial ages that your people term the Pleistocene, but presently compelled to reside in the shell of a mere human. Although my powers are diminished they sufficed to humble Wolfram and Hart and to make them cower before me. They sent a hoard, of which this gold is a mere fraction, as tribute so that I would not grind them back into the dirt from which they arose.”
“Oh. That’s, uh, impressive,” said Miranda. “So, what do you want from us?”
“I wish to alleviate the tedium of this existence by participating in the allegedly pleasurable mating rituals that you call ‘sex’,” Illyria explained. “I am unsure of how to go about this. The half-breed Harmony informs me that you are the best qualified to advise me in this matter.”
“Uh, when a man and a, uh, God-king in female form love each other very much,” Charlotte began.
Samantha rolled her eyes. “I think she probably wants something a bit more advanced than that,” she said.
“What, like The Rules?” Charlotte frowned. “Well, I think she already has Rule One covered. ‘Be a Creature unlike any other’.”
“I am unique,” Illyria stated. “All should worship and adore me. Yet when I commanded my pet Spike to copulate with me he fled from my presence.”
“Spike? That’s a dog’s name,” said Samantha. “Hey, I’m try-sexual, but I think that’s going just a bit too far.”
Illyria focused an intense stare on Samantha. “Spike is not a dog. He is a half-breed of human form and his appearance was not displeasing to these eyes. His knowledge of Brazilian ju-jitsu made him an acceptable practice opponent and repeatedly knocking him to the ground was a pleasurable recreation. He introduced me to the annoying yet obscurely satisfying pastime of Crash Bandicoot. I fail to understand why he was not desirous of copulation.”
“He’s probably gay,” said Samantha. “Don’t worry about it.”- - - - -
“My guy has gone to the movies to see Iron Man
,” said Carrie, “so we have plenty of time to ourselves.” She set a tray laden with coffee cups down on a small table and took a seat.
? I have seen extracts displayed for the purposes of advertisement,” said Illyria. “There is armor, and explosions, and indications that there may be much carnage depicted. I shall view this movie at another time.”
“It’s not exactly a chick flick,” Miranda remarked, “although Robert Downey Junior is pretty hot.”
“Interesting,” said Illyria. “I understood that the body temperature of humans was restricted to a narrow band centered around 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit or 36.8 degrees Celsius. Is he of a different species or is it an effect of the metal armor and its power sources?”
Charlotte rolled her eyes. “You don’t go in much for metaphor, do you?”
“I have no patience for such things,” Illyria said. “Words should be used with clarity and precision.”
“You have a point,” Carrie conceded, “but it might be at the root of your problem. If you just said straight out to that Spike guy ‘copulate with me, subject creature’, I can maybe see why he took off running.”
“Hey, it usually worked for me,” Samantha said.
“You didn’t usually work up to it by knocking the guy down with kung fu kicks,” Carrie said.
“Not unless he was into that sort of thing,” Samantha conceded.
“You have to let the guy think he’s in control,” Charlotte said. “Let him make the running.”
“Spike made the running,” said Illyria. “He ran at great speed, eluded my attempts to recapture him, and boarded an aircraft bound for Glasgow, Scotland, by way of London Heathrow.”
“I think that pretty much confirms that he’s not interested,” said Charlotte. “No, I mean you have to let the guy chase you. Once you’ve attracted his attention, and that shouldn’t be too hard for you as you’re good looking in a scary sort of way, you wait for him to make the moves.”
“And then I pounce?”
“Not exactly,” said Charlotte. “You just show that his attentions aren’t unwelcome and wait for him to take it further.”
“This is inefficient,” Illyria complained.
“It works, trust me on this,” Charlotte said. She expanded on The Rules for a while. The other three added their own comments, sometimes contradicting her and sometimes merely putting a different interpretation on them, until they felt that the subject had been adequately covered.
“This behavior will enable me to lure a male back to my lair? I shall do so,” Illyria said. “Once I have him there, however, what is the correct procedure? I am aware that this body has orifices that correlate to the male reproductive organ, and that insertion of it therein is allegedly pleasurable, but I am uncertain of the necessary procedures. If I do not follow them correctly it may give him a chance to escape.”
“He’ll know what to do, don’t worry,” Samantha assured her.
“It still sounds to me as if she’s planning on eating him,” Miranda muttered.
“I require further instruction,” Illyria insisted. “Demonstrate the procedures for me.”
“Uh, we don’t have a man here,” Carrie pointed out, “and, even if we had one, I’m not putting on a display. I’m a relationship advice columnist, not a sex therapist.”
“Harmony said that you were the experts,” Illyria said. “Am I to take back my gold?”
“There’s no need for that,” Samantha said. “I don’t mind getting undressed and giving you a guided tour of the female human body, with operating instructions, for what you’re paying.”
“You’ll give her all the wrong ideas,” Charlotte objected.
“Hey, if you think you can do better…” Samantha challenged.
“We’ll all do it,” Carrie decided. “For three hundred thousand dollars apiece we can handle a little nudity.” She went to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and produced a cucumber. “In case we need any props,” she explained.
Miranda rolled her eyes. “Remind me never to have salad here ever again. Or sandwiches.”
After a short period of further debate the girls adjourned to the bedroom and disrobed. “You should get naked too,” Carrie suggested.
“Very well,” Illyria said, “I shall reveal the shell’s naked form.” She concentrated for a moment and her armor disappeared.
“Now that’s a useful skill,” said Samantha.
“It kind of takes the mystery away,” said Charlotte. “I prefer to be unwrapped slowly.”
“Fine, if you like thinking of yourself as a parcel,” said Samantha.
“Okay,” said Carrie, “let’s start off with the erogenous zones.” She used the cucumber as a pointer, and Samantha as a map, and lectured Illyria on the names and functions of various body parts.
“Careful with that cucumber,” Samantha warned. “It’s cold.”
“I wasn’t planning on inserting it anywhere,” Carrie assured her.
“I am unsure,” Illyria said. “You indicate that the most sensitive organ is that one positioned at the entrance to the orifice. Why, then, is penetration required, other than for the deposition of semen in close proximity to the chamber in which fertilization takes place? That procedure seems unnecessary when the purpose of the act is recreation rather than procreation.”
“It just is, okay? Take it from me,” said Samantha. “It’s not essential but it sure feels good.”
“Demonstrate this,” Illyria insisted.
“I’m not going to get intimate with a cold cucumber even for three hundred thousand dollars in gold,” Samantha said. “Well, not in public, anyway.” She glared at Carrie. “And don’t even think about heading off to the microwave with that phallic vegetable.”
“I could provide an alternative,” said Illyria.
Samantha raised her eyebrows. “You don’t exactly have anything on you that fits the bill, and any cucumber that was sharing your bag with a hundred and ten pounds of gold would be squashed way too flat to be much like a cock,” she pointed out. “If you’d been making purchases at Sex Toys’R’Us you wouldn’t have been asking the questions you’ve been asking. So, what’ve you got?”
“I can modulate this form into an approximation of my true shape,” said Illyria, “although only for a limited time. In that shape I possess appendages that should serve the purpose.”
“Now, wait a minute…” Charlotte began. Too late.
Illyria’s arms elongated and distorted into long and flexible tendrils tipped with rounded probes. From her back and shoulders more tentacle-like organs sprang forth, growing rapidly, extending for several feet. Some coiled around the girls and held them captive. Others headed toward sensitive areas of the girls’ anatomy.
“Hey!” Carrie protested. “This wasn’t part of the deal!”
“What the fuck?” Miranda exclaimed.
“Exactly,” muttered Samantha.
“Get that thing away from me!” Charlotte demanded.
“Were you, then, not truthful in stating that penetration is pleasurable?” asked Illyria.
“It is, yeah, but these aren’t quite the circumstances I had in mind,” Charlotte pointed out. “Hey!”
Miranda wriggled in a futile attempt to avoid the questing tentacles. “I’ll sue…oooooh!”
“Don’t you put that…” Samantha began. “Oh! Oh! Oh, oh crap, too late. Well, at least it’s at body temperature.”- - - - -
Carrie fastened up the last button of her top. “I don’t think that you quite understood what we were telling you about courtship and dating, did you?” she said.
“I did not see the relevance to the situation,” Illyria admitted. “I shall know another time.”
“There isn’t going to be another time,” said Charlotte, “not for all the gold in Fort Knox.”
“Knox was my Qwa'ha Xahn,” Illyria said. “He did not have gold.”
“I take it he isn’t around any longer? That figures,” said Carrie. “I can understand why your Spike ran away to Scotland.”
“I believe that Spike seeks Buffy,” said Illyria. “He told me that she used to strike him upon the nose. I interpreted that as implying that he regarded violence directed at him as sexually arousing. Perhaps I was mistaken.”
“Well, at least you didn’t punch us on the nose,” said Samantha, “and I must admit I haven’t had an orgasm that good in a long time. It was just the lead-up to it that left something to be desired.”
“We’ll help you find a man, Illyria,” Carrie said “out of sheer self-preservation as much as anything else.”
“I suggest a marine biologist,” said Miranda, “possibly one specializing in the study of the Pacific Giant Octopus. You’ll probably find one in Seattle. Why don’t you set off right now?”
“Or maybe Anchorage, Alaska,” suggested Charlotte, squirming slightly in her chair. “I hear it’s nice this time of year.”
“Your advice is good,” said Illyria. “I shall try to follow your dating rules. They are different from my normal practice, which is to cut the object being dated in half and count the rings, but I concede that this may impair the functionality of a male human.”
“More than somewhat, I’d say,” Carrie agreed. “It could get messy, too.”
“I see your logic,” said Illyria. “Thank you for your advice and demonstration. I shall depart for the Pacific North-West and seek out a marine biologist for recreational sex. First, however, I shall find a movie theater and view Iron Man
“Good idea,” said Carrie. “If you go now you’ll just catch the last showing.”
After Illyria had departed the four girls sat down with cups of coffee. “Well, that was unusual, to say the least,” said Miranda.
“You can say that again,” Carrie agreed. “We’ve been ravished by a tentacle monster from the Pleistocene. That doesn’t exactly happen every day even in New York.”
“You think we ought to report it to someone?” asked Charlotte. “I mean, she could be dangerous.”
“Not the cops,” said Miranda. “There might be awkward questions about the gold.”
Charlotte narrowed her eyes. “You’re right. Okay, the cops are out. So, who’re we gonna call?”
“There’s only one answer to that question,” said Carrie. “Ghostbusters.”