Story Notes: Canon up to The Kiss in AtS 3.11, then goes off into Cordy!verse.
Author’s Note: response to an OLD anonymous challenge (TtH #427).
Disclaimer: Angel the Series and all associated characters are property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and Warner Brothers. Hal is property of God since he passed away last year, and his shows are property of the Tribune Company and CW Television Network. This work is not for profit and no ownership of aforementioned copyrighted material is implied, nor any infringement intended.
* * *
“This is Hal Fishman with KTLA news interrupting your regular program with a late-breaking story. Apparently there is a—folks, bear with me on this one—there are claims that a monster is running rampant on Rodeo Drive.”
An off-camera chuckle by someone in the studio changed abruptly into a cough.
“We take you live to Jenny Altan in the field. Jenny?”
“That’s right, Hal. You can see the devastation caused when the creature, shoppers are calling it a monster, trashed Belinda’s Botox Boutique on Rodeo Drive just minutes ago. I’m here with a man who was an eyewitness to the event.”
The camera zoomed out to show both the reporter and a man in a baseball cap speaking into his cell phone. “No, seriously, hon, I’m gonna be on the news. Just tevo channel 5. Gotta go.”
Jenny shook her head, unused to being kept waiting. “Sir, can you describe this alleged monster?”
“Alleged hell, it’s effing huge! Thing tore through that store like shoppers at an after-Christmas sale. It was all—”
Shouts and screams from a block down the street interrupted the interview. “Billy, get on that,” Jenny shouted as she pointed off-camera.
The camera’s shot started out wobbly, then steadied and zoomed in. A stunning young brunette in capri pants and wielding a sword traded blows with a slimy green creature sporting claws and a tail.
“Tell me you’re getting this,” hissed the reporter while keeping the microphone covered.
“Hell, yes,” the cameraman replied, lips barely moving.
The swordswoman blocked several clawed swipes with her sword, then nearly slipped on a slick bit of tile. The creature took advantage, and pressed the attack. After a clawed near-miss which caught only silk, the woman connected with a powerful cut that buried her blade deep in the creature’s head.
“You’ve GOT to be kidding,” said the actress as she pried the sword out of the dead thing’s skull.
“Ms. Chase, could you tell us what happened here?”
Cordelia looked at the reporter, cameraman, and assorted afternoon shoppers staring at her. She paused for the briefest moment before answering, “I saw this thing chase some tourists and maul a Kia. Not that anyone should have been driving one, but still...”
“Is that a real sword you have there?”
“Yeah. It’s actually quite a coincidence,” the actress said. “I was going to have it appraised this afternoon, saw that slimy thing and you know the rest.”
“How were you able to defeat it?
“Well you know, some softball when I was little, and TaeBo now and then to keep in shape,” Cordy said, attempting to downplay the event.
“So what did it feel like to be in a life-or-death struggle to survive,” Jenny wanted to know.
“It was actually less stressful than some Hollywood mixers I’ve been to,” Cordelia admitted with a smile.
The reporter continued with the barrage of questions. “Have you had any previous experience with the supernatural?”
“Supernatural? Are you kidding me? Well, that guy who reviewed my first play did seem a bit diabolical...”
“I’ll take that as a no.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to cut this short,” Cordy said pleasantly but firmly. “I’ve got to call my people to deal with this before it snowballs.” She glanced down at her sliced blouse displaying tanned abs. “And apparently I’ve had a wardrobe malfunction.”
“There you have it folks, our own Cordelia Chase, star of the hit show ‘Cordy!’ has slain a monster in the streets of Beverly Hills.”
“Think it’ll ruin people’s appetites for McCormick & Schmick’s,” the cameraman joked after he shut off the feed.
Cordy got into her car, not bothering to put the sword in the trunk. She pulled out into traffic as her phone rang.
“Cordy, it’s Nev. You were live on channel 5, and now they’re looping the footage of you fighting some...thing. I think you’re going to be the lead-in on the evening news.”
“Yeah, right. By that time they’ll have gotten some biology professor from UCLA to identify it as a new species of giant salamander or something.”
“Cordy, was it really a monster?”
“C’mon, Nev, do you really think I go around LA fighting monsters with a sword?”
After an uncomfortably long pause her assistant replied, “We’re gonna have a serious heart-to-heart about this Cordy. Soon.”
Cordelia slid her phone shut. “Dammit.”
* * *
“And we’re off the air, people.”
“What do you think, Hal,” the sports anchor asked.
“I think it’s probably some mutant species of amphibian that crawled up from the toxic sludge in Malibu through the storm drains.”
“Are you serious?”
“You think people are going to believe it’s a real monster?” Hal snorted. “Please.”
* * *
Written in honor of Hal Fishman,
1931-2007. He was always on the news when I was a kid, and the first newscaster who came to mind for this challenge. I ♥ Charisma Carpenter
is a fun vid by 1SnoWhiteQueen1 that makes light of Cordy's fame.