I’ve been watching too much Catherine Tate. To extreme excesses. So for some reason, my brain thought it would be a good thing to replace Buffy during rather, ahem, tense moments from the show with Catherine Tate’s ‘Lauren Cooper’. It really won’t make any sense if you haven’t seen her. Expect seven shorts (one per series – insanity has to have some limit!) and perhaps some art. Unbeta’d, and unimaginably crazy.
Oh, and I own nothing. Except a feck-load of revision notes. And some damn nice shoes.
- - - - - - - - - -Prophecy Girl
“Lauren will face The Master, and she will die!” Giles’ voice was shaking with barely restrained emotion. He’d long since realised, that despite being the most obnoxious girl on the planet, Lauren Cooper could inspire fierce loyalty.
He, unfortunately, didn’t see her lurking outside the door.
Lauren inhaled through her teeth, making a noise she well knew Giles detested. “Wot you chattin’ ‘bout?”
She turned to Angel, pleased that he was there, and gave him an appraising glance. “Alriiight.”
He looked worried. “Lauren, I-“
Giles interrupted, “I never wanted you to find out this way Lauren.”
She gazed at him, unimpressed.
He continued, “But it has been prophesised – you will face The Master tonight, and he will,” his voiced cracked, “He will defeat you.”
Lauren leaned back onto the desk with an air of extreme boredom. She laced her fingers together, cocked her head to one side and-
“Am I bovvered?”
Angel rolled his eyes in frustration. “Lauren, this is serious, we can’t-“
“Am I bovvered though?”
Giles frowned wearily. “Lauren, he’ll kill you.”
She opened her mouth in indignation. “Are you disrespectin’ me?”
“Are you disrespectin’ my family?”
“Lauren, this is hardly the-“
“Are you calling my Mum a blood-swilling creature of the night?”
“Certainly not! But-“
“Are you calling my Dad a zombie?”
Angel cut in. “Lauren, please listen.”
She turned on him, glaring fiercely. “But he ain’t even a zombie.”
“I know, I-“
“He ain’t even a zombie though.”
Giles wrung his hands in frustration. “I didn’t say-“
“He ain’t even a zombie.”
Angel vamped out, determined to get through to her. “Lauren, if we don’t find another way, you’re going to die tonight. And I can’t lose you.”
She laughed incredulously. “But I ain’t even bovvered though!”
“Oi! Giles. Look at my face.” She pointed at herself.
“Yes.” He sounded very tired.
“Does my face look bovvered to you?”
“That’s because it ain’t. Vampires, face, demons, vun-too-tree mvahahah, face, stake through the ‘eart, Master.” She took a deep breath, and shouted, “I. Ain’t. Bovvered!”
Angel held his head in his hands.
Giles closed the book and cleared his throat. “Right, then.”
- - - - - - - - - -So, that was a barrel of insanity.