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I Kissed a Girl

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This story is No. 2 in the series "Ultimate Crazyverse". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Mary Jane Watson kisses a girl and she likes it. Illyria kisses a girl and she likes it. Peter Parker… it just sucks to be Peter. Covers two challenges AND an FFA. That's mad skills right there, I tell you what.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > Ultimate Universe(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR1835,9955479,95822 Jun 0815 Feb 09Yes

Chapter Two

Joe's Note: I split the fic in half. Not only were there new bits to this that mean you might want to reread, it also gives it a bump so you know to read it. After all, I'll be introducing either all new content or part three of the series or both. Helps if you know the existing content isn't quite what you read before.

     "Prove it."

     Quirking one brow, Illyria gestured to the houses around them. "The fact that I was able to intercept you on your walk home is not proof enough for you?" Mary Jane shrugged before shaking her head. So what, Illyria knew where she and Peter lived. They were neighbors. That didn't mean anything. Maybe she'd just followed Peter home, gone through some of his stuff, found a picture or two of her, and… "When you were in second grade, you went as Power Rangers for Halloween. Peter was the Blue Ranger because he liked that there was a smart hero, and you were the Yellow Ranger because you refused to wear a skirt." Okay, a bunch of pictures and some good deductive reasoning, but that didn't… "Among the numerous freckles on your body is a pattern of twenty-one slightly more prominent ones occupying the inner curve of your right breast that resemble the constellation Pisces."


     By now, they were standing in front of the Watson residence and Mary Jane wasted no time dragging Illyria inside to continue the discussion. Thankfully neither of her parents were home at the moment, because she had no desire to explain her 'new friend' or have to worry about keeping her voice down if something else coming out of Illyria's mouth shocked the hell out of her. "I'd give you directions to my room, but you know where it is, don't you?" Illyria nodded. "Right. Head upstairs. I'll be up in a second."

     Illyria disappeared up the stairs and Mary Jane let out a sigh before dropping her backpack and moving into the kitchen. Filling two ceramic mugs with water, she stuck them in the microwave and went digging through the cabinets for hot cocoa powder as the water heated. Chocolate, after all, made everything in life better. When the microwave beeped at her, she opened the door, cursed as she was stupid enough to grab superheated ceramic with her bare hands, then used a pair of potholders to remove the mugs and place them on the counter. Mixing in the waiting powder, she cleaned up after herself before grabbing the mugs again and heading upstairs. Illyria was stretched out along the length of the bed, resting on her side and waiting for Mary Jane the same Peter had when they'd curled up to talk about life's problems. Opting not to comment on Illyria's choice, Mary Jane held out one of the mugs. "Hey. I made some hot chocolate for us."

     "I do not make use of human sustenance…" Err, okay? And great, she'd wasted a packet of her good Godiva brand hot cocoa on the ingrate. Fantastic. Her annoyance must have shown on her face, because Illyria hesitated a moment before leaning forward and accepting the cup anyways. "However, both Peter and my shell were fond of 'chocolate', and so I shall accept your gift."

     The step she'd taken forward to give Illyria her mug had elicited a wet squishing noise, reminding Mary Jane of her wet clothes. She looked Illyria up and down; the girl was perfectly dry. Huh. Strange. No puddle on the bed, either, so she hadn't just forced the water off herself. Stranger. At any rate, she needed to get into some dry clothes. Setting down her mug, Mary Jane quickly found a pair of sweats and a t-shirt before looking over at Illyria again. The brunette met her gaze for a moment before returning to her inspection of the room. Great. Either she was oblivious to what Mary Jane needed to do, she was intending to force the redhead out of her own room, or… no, that was about all Mary Jane could come up with.

     Actually, screw it. If Illyria had Peter's memories (and how else would she know about the freckles), it wasn't like Mary Jane would be showing her anything new. And she was really tired of being cold and wet. So despite her normal shyness, Mary Jane unzipped her pants before shoving them down her legs and then peeled her shirt off. Just as it hit the ground, she froze as she heard a most unexpected sound.

     A wolf-whistle.

     Mary Jane turned to stare incredulously at Illyria who, for the first time in their fairly brief period of knowing each other, was actually displaying an emotion: shock. Then the walls inside her came up again and it disappeared, leaving her with a faintly disapproving frown and nothing more. "I… appear to have retained some of Peter's baser instincts as well. Interesting. First the remnants of my shell, now this."

     Whatever the hell that meant. "Lovely." Pulling her sweatpants and new shirt on, Mary Jane grabbed her mug of cocoa and gingerly seated herself at the foot of the bed, putting as much distance as she could between herself and her blue-tinged visitor. "Okay, so… we've established how much you know and how you learned it. New question… why are you here?"

     Illyria took a few more sips from her mug before frowning and lifting it into the air, tipping it upside-down. Nothing emerged, thankfully, which did nothing to curb the unhappy look but at least meant MJ wouldn't be washing cocoa off her bedding tonight. "An exchange of services." Oh, this ought to be good. "I require a guide to the world of humanity; my Qwa'ha Xahn died and my first guide lost his life in the fight against Wolfram & Hart. I know from the memories I've inherited that you are no longer seeing Peter for numerous reasons. If you will replace my guide for me, I will replace Peter for you."

     Do what? Mary Jane was by no means a stupid girl, but even she was confused by exactly what that statement meant. Then, as she thought about it, understanding dawned and her eyes widened. "So wait a minute… you want to date me or something?"

     "A simplistic but relatively accurate view of the matter."

     "I don't like girls."

     "Are you certain of that?"

     Mary Jane froze at that. Peter didn't know about that time she kissed Liz Allen at a sleepover, right? And even if he did, he certainly didn't know that Mary Jane had liked it and had been disappointed when Liz didn't want to try again. So Illyria was on a fishing expedition. Alright, just stay calm. "Pretty sure, yeah."

     Placing her cup on Mary Jane's nightstand, Illyria extended a tendril and looped it through the handle of the redhead's mug, taking it away and bringing it over to join her own. "If you are only 'pretty sure', then there is still a possibility that you are in error. Therefore, you will kiss me to see whether or not that is true. The… scientific method… I believe you muck call it."

     "Woah now. I just broke up with my boyfriend and I don't even know you." And this was why she wanted to stay away from Peter and his utterly bizarre life. Stuff like this hadn't happened to her before he'd been bitten by a spider and turned into a superhero. "And furthermore…" Mary Jane rose from the bed, only to be lifted from her feet with a squeal as Illyria extended both arms black tendrils emerged, wrapping around Mary Jane's arms in three places along with her torso, gently pulling her through the air and depositing her back on the bed beside Illyria. "Okay, I don't know about among you mutants, but with humans, no means no, damnit!"

     Illyria's odd little smile returned as the brunette twisted, throwing a leg over Mary Jane's lap and using her weight to pin the prone redhead to the bed before leaning down. "Does it?" Nuzzling against Mary Jane's neck, she sniffed deeply. "Because your body seems to disagree. I can smell it."

     Blushing as red as her hair, Mary Jane squirmed underneath Illyria. Okay… the mutant was rather pretty. And Mary Jane obviously had a thing for superhumans… her best friend was one of the strongest novii in existence and her ex-boyfriend liked to dress up like a spider and fight crime. And while she'd never had the courage to voice it to Peter, she'd always wondered what it would be like to have his powers turned on her when their make-out sessions started getting heated. To take it one step further than normal people could and be able to struggle with all her might as he dominated her… not to mention the very naughty potential bondage fun with webbing. Oh, fuck it. "Fine. Kiss me, just so I can prove you wrong." Illyria's left brow twitched upward a hair at that before her silvery-blue lips came down on Mary Jane's.

     Oh fuck, she was sunk. It was so odd, to be kissing someone for the first time but lacking the requisite awkward fumbling as they got to know each other. While Illyria's lips were fuller and softer than Peter's, Mary Jane might as well have been kissing him. A hand ran through her hair just like when she and Peter made out, Illyria's fingers seeking out the small patch of bare skin just behind the redhead's ear and teasing it. Peter had discovered that one a few days into their relationship and, just like it always did, it made her whine and squirm, pressing herself against Illyria. That was when she was reminded again that this wasn't Peter, as another pair of breasts pressed against her own, but she found she didn't mind. As a matter of fact, she found her hands wandering up Illyria's sides before cupping said breasts, squeezing them gently.

     The very feminine moan that emerged from her partner was enough to make Mary Jane push Illyria back for a moment… or it could have been the lack of oxygen in her lungs. She wasn't quite sure. Taking a deep breath, she stared up at Illyria. "You know, if you're supposed to be my new Peter, you'll have to stop being right in the future. Well, most of the time. I'll allow it maybe… say, a third of the time max."

     Illyria pondered that for a moment. "I am always right, though. It is my nature as a…"

     "Ah ah ah." Mary Jane put one finger over Illyria's lips, halting her speech. "Nobody likes a know-it-all. Believe me, I found that out in middle school. Some people still won't stop calling me 'Brainy Jane' because of it. However, it is a known fact to all men in relationships that women are generally right and they are generally wrong. If you're supposed to be my replacement Peter, which is what you offered if I was your 'guide', that means you're the one in this who will generally be wrong. Understand?"

     Sitting up and crossing her arms over her chest, Illyria adopted what looked almost like a pout. "I wish to learn more about humans, which means following their customs, and will not break my agreement with you. I understand." Cocking her head to one side, Illyria eyed Mary Jane. "Are you as familiar with the supernatural as you are with the superhuman? I would prefer not to have a guide ignorant of my world."

     Supernatural? Mary Jane blinked owlishly at the abrupt change in conversation. Weren't they supposed to be kissing right now? "…uh, big no on the supernatural. And why do I have a feeling I'm not going to like this discussion?"
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