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I Kissed a Girl

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This story is No. 2 in the series "Ultimate Crazyverse". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Mary Jane Watson kisses a girl and she likes it. Illyria kisses a girl and she likes it. Peter Parker… it just sucks to be Peter. Covers two challenges AND an FFA. That's mad skills right there, I tell you what.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > Ultimate Universe(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR1835,9955479,81422 Jun 0815 Feb 09Yes

Chapter Three

Joe's Note: Back by popular demand… one more chapter. That's it. Of course, if I get lots of reviews, I'll probably write more because I'm a total whore like that.



     "So… you're not really a mutant, but some sort of demonic 'god-king' who was put away in a sarcophagus until these evil lawyers in LA woke you up. You infected the nearest person, who became your 'shell' and is the reason you look like a teenage girl. Except you're actually in your twenties and can shapeshift a bit, so you made yourself younger so this whole thing wasn't something straight out of Dateline. And now you have some of your old powers along with all of Peter's because he was stupid enough to play with this weird goo his father made. Is that everything?"

     Illyria looked up at Mary Jane from her position with her head in the redhead's lap, blinking slowly as she thought it over. "An adequate summary of my history and present situation. I'm impressed at how concise you managed to make it; your kind generally lacks that ability."

     Idly running her fingers through Illyria's hair, the most inane thought popped into Mary Jane's head. "You know, it sucks that you weren't awake that entire time." Illyria blinked and raised an eyebrow. "Well if I'm going to date someone who's older than human civilization, it would have been nice to be able to get some help on history exams."

     "You are already in possession of the highest grades in the class for History, although that may partially be due to the fact that Peter considers it a 'soft' subject and does not apply himself." Illyria sat up, rolling her shoulders before sliding her legs over the edge of the bed and standing. "However, I possess an eidetic memory and could add historical accounts of human civilization to my future reading, which would allow me to assist you in studying."

     That would be cool. Could also be fun to turn Illyria loose on one or two of her Shakespeare assignments for English, just to see what the demon came up with for analysis of the characters and events. Oh, to be a fly (or mutant spider-empowered human) on the wall when her teacher read over that paper. Mary Jane giggled before noticing Illyria opening one of her dresser drawers and pulling out… a bra? Patting her chest, Mary Jane blushed. Right. She'd neglected one when changing out of her wet clothes, although that didn't tell her… "Why are you suddenly all eager to get my clothes on?"

     Illyria looked pointedly over at her bedroom door. "I am not. However, your parents have just entered the house. I know your father is not a pleasant man. Going down to introduce your new girlfriend while looking rumpled and missing an undergarment will only cause problems. He will likely become violent, and then I will be forced to harm him to protect you." Pondering that, Illyria dropped the bra on the floor and kicked it behind her. "On second thought, I wish to do violence this evening. Provoking him could provide me with an opportunity."

     "No!" Dodging around Illyria, Mary Jane scooped up her bra and turned to present her back to the demon, quickly tugging her shirt off, slipping the bra on, and then wiggling back into her shirt before something occurred to her. "What do you want me to tell them about you?" Illyria made a vaguely inquisitive noise and she turned back around. "Well, you refer to humans as 'your kind' and stuff like that. Not to mention the blue. If I tell them you're a demon or a 'god-king', they'll have me committed or something. Can we say you're a mutant?"

     "A mutant. Homo sapiens superior; possessing superhuman powers due to the presence of the so-called 'X-gene', named after Charles and Moira Xavier, who did the original research into it. Not to be confused with the so-called Homo sapiens novus, most of whom are illegal violations of the Superhuman Test Ban Treaty." Mary Jane's eyes widened and Illyria offered a small shrug. "I saw many stories about Peter, as well as the Ultimates, on the news. I wished to be fully informed before coming to this area because I did not think the government would be amused if I killed one of their pet soldiers. Not that the government's wishes concern me, but dealing with them would either require further killing of humans, which I promised not to do, or a great deal of unnecessary hassle. And yes, you may call me a mutant as the situation demands. It is preferable to pretending to be a human."

     Before they could converse further, there was a loud shout from downstairs. "Mary Jane, I'm home!"

     Mary Jane sighed. Alright, she could do this. "Coming, mom!"



     "So when are you going to introduce me to your new boyfriend?" Mary Jane looked over at Liz Allen and raised an eyebrow curiously, prompting the blonde to continue. "What? You were all mopey about breaking up with Peter and then almost overnight? You're a walking advertisement for Prozac. So… who'd you replace Parker with and when do I get to meet him?"

     Mary Jane grimaced; this definitely was not going to go over well. While Liz was the one person least likely to be surprised by the news of her new orientation (or perhaps new openness about her orientation was more accurate), the 'mutant' aspect of things was guaranteed to cause trouble. She momentarily debated avoiding the question, but doubted Illyria would be content to remain on the outside looking in at her social life the way Peter had for their time together. So, while Liz's metathesiophobia was going to be a problem, Mary Jane had to start somewhere… and since the blonde had asked… "Her." Liz blinked. "Her, not him. It's a girl."

     Gasping, Liz looked both ways before leaning in. "Wait a minute here. Are we talking like, you met some girl who's your new BFF and she's helping you get over Peter? Because I'm pretty sure Dawn can take any other girl in the world and she's going to be a Not-So-Jolly Green Giant when she finds out. Or 'it's a girl' as in you had a bit too much fun that one time between us at the sleepover and went looking for more?"

     "Wow. Ego much?" Mary Jane rolled her eyes at Liz, giving the blonde a playful shove as they wandered down the hallways, earning them muttered complaints from the other students. Down this hall, left, halfway down that hall, stop at her locker, rest of the way down the hall, right, down the front steps. Plenty of time to break the news to Liz. "But yes, girlfriend of the Ellen sort. Just warning you, you're probably not going to like her."

     Liz shrugged off the redhead's warning as they reached the intersection of two hallways and turned left. "What, is she really ugly or stupid or something? She can't be stupid or you wouldn't be into her. Oh God, is she a goth? Because you look cute in black, but if your wardrobe goes completely one color and you start wearing black lipstick, I'm going to have to slap you."

     Huh. Goth, ugly, and stupid. Well, Illyria was sometimes the first but never the other two. Mary Jane shook her head. "She's a little goth, but actually I'm thinking more of the fact that she's a bit too blue for you."

     "Wait, what?" Liz froze in the middle of the hallway and Mary Jane gave a harsh yank on the blonde's wrist to get her moving again, not wanting to clog up the already overflowing corridor. "What do you mean she's blue?"

     Mary Jane raised her fist and coughed into it. "Mutant."

     Sighing, Liz threw up her arms in exasperation. "And see, I was just about to be happy for you. Even if she's a she and a little goth, she's probably a step up from Peter. But no. You're going from the king of the dorks to a lesbian mutant? Do you have any idea what this is going to do to your reputation?"

     "I don't know, I think people will like her once they get to know her." At least on a superheroine level; Mary Jane couldn't exactly see Illyria having warm and fuzzy moments at sleepovers with her friends or just hanging out at a party. But since the brunette had no intention of keeping her identities separate, at least Mary Jane would be able to claim the prestige of dating a costumed hero, unlike when she'd been with Peter. And considering her generation had an unhealthy love for casual violence… Illyria and Venom were right up their alley.

     A figure was waiting beside Mary Jane's locker when they got there, tapping her foot impatient. "C'mon!" Dawn reached up and slammed her fist against the combination lock, destroying it utterly before pulling the dented door open for Mary Jane. "Hurry up! I want to meet your new girlfriend!"

     Liz glared at Dawn before turning a hurt look on Mary Jane. "You told HER before me?"

     "First of all, Dawn, stop destroying my locker. The school is going to start charging me soon. And of course I did, Liz. Best friend. If you were actually willing to talk to Dawn without me being present to referee, she probably would have come to you looking for details and you would have found out a week ago. Besides, I didn't exactly have to worry about how Dawn would react to my girlfriend being a mutant." That just earned Dawn another glare from Liz, but Mary Jane decided not to care. She loved Liz dearly, but there were an increasing number of superhumans in her life. Liz either needed to grow up or back away, because Mary Jane wasn't going to ditch all of them just for one racist blonde. "Now, if you're ready… she's outside waiting to pick me up."

     With Dawn's identity being a bit of an open 'secret' among the student body, the sight of her charging enthusiastically down the hall was enough to clear a path for them. Mary Jane and Liz followed a bit more sedately, catching up with the brunette just outside the front doors. Dawn looked back and forth, brow furrowed in confusion. "Okay… where is she? All I see are students."

     Mary Jane snickered before looking up and catching sight of a familiar dark figure, making its way closer as it swung from building to building. "You're getting trained to fight flying villains too, right?" Dawn nodded and Mary Jane raised her hand, pointing one finger skyward. "Why are you only thinking in two dimensions, then?"

     "You mean…" Dawn looked up and finally noticed Illyria's approach, breaking into hysterical laughter a moment later. "Holy shit. He sent you over to the Dyke Side. You went from Spider-Man to Spider-Woman. Do you… do you know how many jokes I'm going to make? And not just to you; I see Peter when I'm out and about, too…"

     There was the whistling of an incoming object at a high rate of speed and then a black blur slammed into the pavement at Dawn's feet, digging a crater and sending cracks rippling outward. After a moment, Illyria straightened up and the monstrous jaws of her 'work' outfit retracted to reveal Illyria's face. "You can torment the arachnid if you wish, but if you harm Mary Jane, you will regret it." Mary Jane looked uncertainly between Illyria and Dawn, relaxing marginally when Dawn nodded and smiled. Dawn held out her hand and Illyria took it, eyes glazing over for a second before focusing again. "It's been a while since we last met… Oriens."

     Dawn sighed and yanked her hand back, crossing her arms over her chest. "Way to blow my secret secret identity, Illyria."

     Silence reigned until Liz voiced what Mary Jane was thinking. "I'm so confused."

The End

You have reached the end of "I Kissed a Girl". This story is complete.

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