Fic: A hell of a day really.
Rating: 15, mention of torture but no detail. May be sex and violence later.
Summary: Xander wound up going to hell at the end of season two. The ruler has need of a trustworthy and moral individual back on Earth to perform a few tasks. Given the shortage of those in Hell guess who got elected...
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters or situations except Elisha and am not making any money out of this.
“Alexander, please sit down.” He wasn't going to call the boy Xander, that was after all what his friends called him.
Xander looked around dazed. It had been a hell of a day. Literally.
“The individuals who failed to ascertain your identity when you arrived have been disciplined.” The being speaking was not huge, blood red and did not have large twisted horns growing out of his head. In fact he looked like an angel he had seen in one of Giles's books. Which was to be expected, since Lucifer was the first angel created according to the Bible.
“Disciplined?” The boy asked in a somewhat dazed tone. After what he had been through since arriving here finding himself sitting in an opulent air conditioned room with a long cold drink in hand was disconcerting.
“Red hot pokers, electric cattle prods, rack and thumbscrews, endless repeats of 'I love Lucy' that sort of thing.” Satan stated quietly, looking over the top of his fingers which were steepled together in front of him. “I run the ultimate maximum security prison Alexander, people get sent her after their Final Judgment. You just dropping in unannounced should have resulted in an immediate investigation into whether you belong here not business as usual.”
The youngest of the Sunnydale Harris's didn't quite know how to take that so he looked around the room again. The room, and in fact the whole complex of rooms he had been in since the 'bureaucratic error' had been detected were all red satin wood and leather. Very Old World Old Money. Forcing down the memory of what the better part of a day of 'business as usual' had involved he turned to face Satan again.
“Now on to business.” The ruler of Hell said. “From my perspective Acathla constituted an escape tunnel and by sacrificing yourself to close it you have prevented the escape of various of the undesirables existing here.”
The Devil leaned forward and focused the human with a penetrating stare. A nude female demon, human looking except for the small red horns on her head, walked in with a silver try holding a coffee pot, cups, and assorted pastries which she placed on the table.
“And as you may have noticed most of the beings here, human or not, are highly undesirable.” The naked demon pouted at Lucifer before pouring the original Scooby what was, on tasting it, the best cup of coffee he'd ever drank. “Not Elisha here of course, I think you'll agree she's extremely desirable.”
The ruler of hell then smiled at her while slapping her on the rump with one hand. Elisha stood back from the table and smiled at the human. Her smile like everything else about her was somehow simultaneously friendly, sensual and dangerous.
“Giles said if Acathla opened the Earth would be swallowed up into Hell.” Xander stated. He wasn't outright calling the Devil a liar but clearly expecting an explanation. This was after all someone he'd be crazy to trust on faith, or well, ok he'd go with faith as the term for now.
“You have no doubt noticed even in your short time dealing with them that thinking is not the strong point of many demons.” Lucifer said before took a bite out of a peach Danish. A sip of his coffee and he continued. “The more vicious they are the stupider they are which is why they lost control of your plane of existence. This luscious creature by contrast is extremely smart.”
The female demon smiled at Xander, an incredibly sexy and inviting smile. For some reason she reminded him of the sort of women mentioned in nineteen forties private detective stories, the kind who was sexy and dangerous and not to be trusted unless you wanted to wind up in prison on trumped up murder charges. He had always found himself drawn to them, which looking back on it might explain why he was dating Cordelia Chase.
“I would eventually have regained control of the situation and returned the Earth and its population to their proper place, it would just have SEEMED like eternity in torment.”
“And I should trust you on this WHY?” The male Scooby asked.
“I have my own long range plans to, how shall I phrase this, arrange a hostile takeover of my fathers affairs.” Lucifer, first created angel smiled as he said it. If you didn't know who he was it made Armageddon sound like a boardroom battle for control of a detergent company. “They require Earth and its inhabitants to be where DADDY DEAREST placed them.”
Xander was starting to get a little of his normal self back. Or as normal as a teenage demon hunter could get anyway, especially given his lack of sleep. He had had none since the night before the whole attempt to re-soul Angel had led to him seeing Buffy dust the Irish vamp after he had activated Acathla and his attention kept wandering off out of sheer exhaustion.
Giles comment that it needed blood to close it led him to offer it him, which led to his arrival in hell, capture, torture, and finally a supervisor demon who looked WAY too much like the guy at the welfare office yelling at his torturers to “Show me his form DS-1062, come on, you know you have to have a DS-1062 properly signed and filed with my office before processing is complete how many times do I have to tell you...”
Eventually he was asked what he was damned for “We have to have this information for statistical purposes to help develop the new corporate plan...” When he explained about Acathla there was a lot more yelling but at least the torture had stopped. From there he was taken away, his injuries magically healed, given a shower, fresh clothes a drink and led into this gigantic oak paneled real leather furniture room for an interview with the chief evil dude personally.
“Alexander are you back with us now?” The Devil said quietly. Always quietly, or at least so far which admittedly wasn't enough time to say “Yeah Satan and I are old buddies, knew him when he was still Gods favourite angel, he was different then let me tell you...” but still the ultimate big bad seemed to not feel the need to be loud and intimidating.
Of course when you are actually in the real and for true one of a kind Hell and totally in his power there was no real need for him to demonstrate anything. If he wanted anything to happen to you a quiet word to one of his lovely assistants would be all it took.
“Elisha, please take Alexander to one of the guest bedrooms and see that he gets a good nights sleep I can't get anywhere with him in this state.” Lucifer said to his assistant. Then he turned to Xander again. “Alexander. Xander. MR HARRIS!”
That got his attention. Angry Ultimate Evil Dude alert.
“Alexander, Elisha will take you to bed and see to your needs and comforts.” The master of hell stated slowly while looking into his eyes with a disconcerting stare. “We will continue this conversation when you are rested. Elisha will see that any desires you have are met, and I will see you to continue explaining what I want from when you are fully recovered.”
The demoness picked the Scooby up in her arms and carried him out of the room. He was asleep before they reached the bedroom.