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Summary: In Hogsmeade to pick out robes for the Yule Ball, Hermione has a close encounter of the Loony kind… and her life will never be the same.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: Romance(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR1569,86145110,97117 Jul 0817 Oct 08No

Big Bottom

Disclaimer: Captain Fangirlhumper… err, J.K. Rowling owns the Harry Potter universe. 'Big Bottom' is the property of Spinal Tap and their CD label and stuff. Not mine.
Joe's Note: Stole my sister's iPod. There's some fascinating stuff on here…

'Big bottom!
Big bottom!
Talk about bum cakes,
My gal's got 'em.
Big bottom,
Drive me out of my mind.
How can I leave this behind?'



     "Just out of curiosity, what part of a girl are you most attracted to?" Luna looked up over the top of her book to find Hermione nibbling on the tip of her quill. "I mean, at this point I have to assume you are in fact attracted to girls and that the 'I need a date and you need a date' bit was just a clever ploy to spend time around me."

     Well this was a decidedly odd topic of conversation to broach out of the blue. They'd kissed a few times since the Yule Ball and often held hands when wandering the castle together, but for the most part they'd continued on as close friends rather than girlfriends. That Hermione would be expressing interest in her preferences was unusual, but hopefully a sign that she was interested in knowing where she stood before attempting to get closer. So, since that would make it a conversation of a great deal of importance, Luna closed her book and set it down on her lap so she could give Hermione her undecided attention. "Well, it depends, I suppose."

     She declined to offer any further information, in the mood to play with her friend a bit. Just as she knew would happen, Hermione sat still for a moment before closing her book and huffing. "It depends… on what, precisely?"

     "Whether she's coming or going." Hermione's jaw dropped and Luna giggled softly at the brunette's gob-smacked expression before deciding to see if she could make it any worse. Carefully, she raised and lowered one eyebrow, then the other, and then both at once. Hermione let out a choking sound and that set Luna off again, laughing loudly at the normally composed Gryffindor.

     Someone clearing their throat disturbed the moment and Luna's head whipped around to glare at Madam Pince. The librarian didn't seem at all cowed, sadly, glaring right back at her. "There will be none of this behavior in my library. You are disturbing the other students. Out with you! Now!"

     Muttering unflattering things under her breath, Luna shoved her possessions haphazardly into her bag before throwing the strap over her shoulder. A far tidier person, it took Hermione a bit longer but with Pince standing there glaring, she was soon on her way out of the library as well. Hermione stopped as the doors shut behind her and scowled. "Well thanks a lot, Luna. And I didn't even get an answer to my question."

     "Yes, well, I doubted that was a discussion we really wanted to have in there. Besides, it's my birthday." Luna grabbed Hermione's hand and began to tug her away down the hallway. "Let's go down to the kitchens and see if the house-elves would be willing to part with some ice cream."

     Hermione didn't protest as she was pulled along. Or at least, she didn't protest Luna's plan. "Wait a minute. It's your birthday? Why didn't you tell me? I could have tried to organize a party with Su and Morag, or gotten you a present, or… something."

     Shrugging, Luna stopped in front of a portrait of a bowl of fruit. "Nobody here ever celebrates my birthday. I'm used to it. And Daddy sent me some new clothes from his visit to Hong Kong." Tickling the pear, she grabbed the doorknob that appeared and entered the expansive kitchens. "Hullo, everyone!"

     "Missy Moonbeam!" House elves surged across the floor of the kitchen, each wanting their chance to hug her legs before zipping back to their evening work. A pair of plates with a serving of sticky toffee pudding and two scoops of vanilla ice cream each appeared on a table before Luna could say anything, and she gave a little snicker. Perhaps she was becoming a bit too predictable in her old age.

     Leading Hermione over to their private table, Luna seated the brunette before taking her own. "To being fourteen. May it be similar to being thirteen and fifteen." Hermione contemplated the odd toast for a moment before shrugging and digging in. Picking up her fork, Luna used the edge to cut a piece of the cake off one edge, then gathered up some ice cream as well and shoved the entire mess into her mouth. "Mmm. I respect muggles, but there's something to be said for magical cooking. Each time is just as good as the last."

     Hermione leaned over the edge of the table, watching the ever-moving stream of house elves rush back and forth. "I still don't think it's right. I mean, they're slaves. They should have a choice about what they do with their lives, not be born into it, live, and die still slaves. But since they need to be bound to a master to be healthy… perhaps S.P.E.W. should focus on the welfare of elves. I mean, Hogwarts elves seem happy enough while Malfoy…" She shuddered. "Poor Dobby."

     "Mmm. It's a bit like having magic, I suppose. It's a power. Whether it's good or evil depends on the person using it." Luna took another bite of her pudding before deciding to switch the topic. "So… coming or going?"

     It took a moment for Hermione to understand what she was referring to and a moment further for her to overcome her indecision and answer. "Hmm. If you're like most boys, I'm fairly certain I can guess what you like on the front side of a girl's body."

     Luna reached across the table, tapping her fork gently against Hermione's lips. "You mean these?" Chuckling, she leaned back as Hermione scoffed. "It's true. If a girl doesn't have nice lips, there's no way you're going to get a decent kiss out of her."

     Going cross-eyed, Hermione stared down at her lips for a moment before wincing and meeting Luna's gaze again. "I can't tell. Are mine nice?"

     "Mmhmm." Luna decided to clear up what Hermione had been alluding to, just to satisfy the obviously insecure girl. "Besides, I'm a girl. I have my own breasts. If I want to stare at some, I can just peek down my shirt. And I'm a lot less likely to get slapped for touching these."

     That made Hermione blush as red as her house's primary color. "Luna!"

     Luna did her best to look innocent, chopping off another piece of cake to pop into her mouth. "What? It's true."

     "Yes, well… still. Alright, I'll bite…" Luna made her eyes widen in mock fear and leaned away, causing Hermione to huff impatiently. "Oh, don't lean away, we've already had this discussion. What do you like on the other side?"

     Swallowing her pudding, Luna offered up a simple, one-word answer. "Bottoms."

     Hermione frowned. "Bottoms?" Leaning to the side, the brunette peeked under the table for a moment before straightening up. "Last time I checked, you had one of those too. So doesn't it fall under the same category as your chest?"

     Thank you for pointing out the obvious, Hermione. Luna debated before sliding off her chair, turning to present her back to her fellow witch. Since Hermione had already shared her insecurity about her chest size, it was only fair that she shared her own body shape issue, at least in Luna's mind. "It would, except mine's practically non-existent. Flat. I do believe I'm the only witch in the castle who's not a first year and has nothing here, Hermione." Luna reached back, putting her hand at the small of her back and running it downward for emphasis. Turning back around, she then pantomimed a more rounded feminine shape. "And I like big bottoms. A nice, big, rounded, plump arse. So unless I get really lucky later in puberty, I'm going to be stuck lusting from afar in that department. Or finding a girl with a nice bottom."

     "Oh. I see. Stared at a lot of bottoms for comparison, have you?" Luna shrugged unapologetically; it was no secret that she preferred the feminine form. Why should she apologize for doing the same thing that boys did? Hermione nibbled on her lower lip uncertainly for a moment as Luna retook her seat, a faint blush spreading across her cheeks. "Do you think I have a big bottom?"

     Yes. Definitely. Except Luna realized that expressing such a thing the bad way could be hazardous to her health. There was big in a good way and then there was big as in Millicent Bulstrode. How to convey to Hermione that she fell into the pleasantly large category, as opposed to the fat category? Hmm. How about… "Hermione? Why do you think I let you walk a step or two in front of me most of the time?"

     "I don't see what that has to do with… oh." The blush grew darker even as Hermione grinned at the implied approval of her body. "Ohhh."

     Returning the smile, Luna hefted a piece of her pudding and slipped it into Hermione's mouth. "So is your crisis of self-image over with, at least for now? I've convinced you that I really do find you attractive?" Hermione nodded, pulling back and leaving a clean fork behind. "Fabulous. Although it does beg the question… what do you find attractive in someone?"

     Hermione swallowed and grinned impishly. "Blonde."

     Well, that was certainly promising.

The End?

You have reached the end of "Soundtrack to Your Life" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 17 Oct 08.

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