Title: This Can’t Be Happening (1/1)
Author: Michele firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: They don’t belong to me. Panzer/Davis and Joss Wheden own them.
Summary: Willow’s having a very odd day
Notes: This is a semi-sequel to ‘Keep the Table’, set a few months later. You don’t have to read that for this to make sense. Of course, this is strange enough that it may not make sense anyway. I have no idea what part of my brain this came from…
“This can’t be happening to me! It’s just not possible!” Willow exclaimed. She stared at the pile of little sticks surrounding her, all telling her the same thing. “This is all just some really weird dream, brought on by my obviously broken biological clock. It has to be. Immortals don’t get pregnant.” She pinched herself. “Ouch! Nope, still here.”
Amanda hurried over to Willow’s apartment, alarmed by the fear and confusion that had been in Willow’s voice when she called. As she let herself in, she could feel Willow, but didn’t see her.
“I’m in the bedroom,” she called out.
“Willow, why are there home pregnancy tests all over your bedroom floor?”
Willow handed a fresh test to Amanda. “Here, go pee on this.”
“I have all these tests that are positive. Every damn one of them. It’s got to be some crazy immortal reaction or something.”
“Willow, honey, immortals can’t get pregnant.”
“Don’t you think I know that?!?” Willow screeched. “Just go do it, please!”
“Fine, fine, I’m going.” Amanda threw up her hands in defeat. She headed towards the bathroom. “This is crazy.”
After Amanda returned, Willow anxiously waited for the required three minutes to be up. However, the test remained negative. She slumped down the nearest wall to the floor. “This can’t be happening.”
“Maybe it’s just you, Will. Mortal women get false positives. Maybe immortals do, too.”
“But what if it’s not?”
“Well, there’s only one way to find out. An ultrasound will tell you if you’re pregnant or not,” Amanda suggested.
“So, what, I should go to the nearest oby-gyn? And tell them what, exactly? I’m immortal, but think I might be pregnant, which is impossible?”
“Hmm, you’re right,” Amanda replied. “This could be a small problem.” She thought for a minute, and then smiled. “I know! We could steal one!”
“Great, but what if we get caught? Then I’d be pregnant and in jail. I’m pretty sure they don’t make those stripes in maternity style. No, that won’t work. Hell, I’ve got money. Where can we buy one of those things?”
After calling a local medical supply store, they arranged for an express delivery at an exorbitant price. Next came the tricky part – keeping Methos away from Willow until she was a little less…well, the only word Amanda could think of was ‘crazed.’ Amanda called around, and found both Duncan and Methos at Joe’s, having a drink. She got Methos on the line, and told him she and Willow were having a girl’s night out.
“Can I speak to her?”
Amanda thought fast. “She’s in the shower.”
“Ooh, maybe I should come join her.”
“No! I mean, if you do that, we’ll never get to the girl’s night out part.”
“Alright, alright. Tell her I’d be happy for some company at my place when you get back. That is, if either of you can manage to stand after all the alcohol consumption takes place.”
“I will, Methos. And you’re one to talk about alcohol consumption!” Laughing, Amanda hung up. “Well, that’ll take care of the boys for now.”
While waiting for the machine, Amanda brought up something that had been bugging her since her arrival. “Why did you take a pregnancy test in the first place, Willow?”
“I’ve been feeling really sick lately, especially in the mornings. After a smell set me off at work, Martha, our resident mother hen, went and bought me a test and insisted I take it. Once it came back positive, I bought a bunch more, hoping they’d be negative. You can see how well that plan worked.”
“Didn’t you wonder what was wrong when you felt sick?” Amanda asked. “Since immortals don’t actually get the flu?”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t die over a thousand years ago. The flu still seems normal to me.”
Later, after the deliveryman left, Willow was lying on her bed, watching Amanda set up the equipment expertly. “Where’d you learn how to use that thing, anyway?”
“One of my mortal friends had a baby a few years ago. I was fascinated by all the new technology. I mean, I remember when the only ‘help’ they gave you was a strip of leather to bite down on so you wouldn’t scream so loud. Anyway, I took a couple of classes on being a maternity nurse before I got bored. After that, there was this small misunderstanding with the police...”
She squirted some gel onto Willow’s bare belly. “Eek! That’s cold!” she exclaimed.
“Sorry,” Amanda replied, sounding anything but. “Here we go”
She turned on the machine and placed the wand over Willow’s belly. As she moved it around, she caught sight of an object, and picked up a heartbeat. “Oh, my god, this can’t be happening,” she said, as she sunk down on the bed next to Willow.
“Is that…is that a baby?” Willow asked nervously.
“Yes, it is. Either you’re not crazy, or we both are.”
Amanda began scanning the monitor. "Well, at least everything looks healthy."
Willow began to mutter to herself, becoming very agitated. “A baby! What am I going to do with a baby? Is it mortal or immortal? And what am I going to tell Methos?”
“How about, ‘Congratulations, it’s a boy?”
“Amanda! That’s not fun-Wait, it’s a boy?”
“See that, right there? That’s his tiny little baby penis.” She grinned wickedly. “And don’t worry, it’ll grow. He’ll have plenty later to satisfy the ladies, especially if his father’s any indication.”
“Amanda!” Willow shrieked again, while turning a deep red.
“What? It’s true, isn’t it?”
Willow chose to ignore Amanda, instead placing a hand on her belly. “I’m having a boy,” she said softly.
Amanda sat down next to her, and pulled her into a hug. “Yes, you are.”
After a minute, Willow pulled away. “I need to call Giles. Maybe he can explain how this happened.” She picked up the phone and dialed. “Hi, Giles. You’re never gonna believe this…What do you mean, it might be a prophecy?!? I don’t have prophecy kids! That’s Angel’s job! Alright, call me when you find something. And don’t tell the others yet. I want to tell them myself, after I figure out what to tell Methos. That’s not funny, Giles!”
Snickering to herself at Willow’s continuing outrage, Amanda asked, “What did he say?”
Willow shot Amanda a dirty look. “That I should say, ‘Congratulations, it’s a boy.’”
The next morning, after spending the evening coming up with ways to tell Methos her news, Willow headed over to his apartment. She hoped he wouldn’t have a heart attack. Even though it wouldn’t kill him permanently, she really didn’t want to watch him die. It really freaked her out. As she caught sight of the kitchen table, a gift from Duncan, she smirked in remembrance. “That’s probably when I got in this condition,” she muttered. Methos came out of the bedroom and gave her a kiss.
“Honey, I have something I need to tell you.” Willow wrung her hands nervously.
“What is it, sweetheart?”
“Well, this is…well it’s kinda impossible, but not, because I am. I don’t know how this happened, well I know how it happened but not why. You’re not gonna believe this. Giles said it might be a prophecy or something and he’s doing research…”
Methos cut Willow’s babble off with a finger on her lips. “Breathe, baby, and just tell me what’s happened. Whatever it is, it’ll be alright.”
Willow took a deep breath, and thought about all the things she had rehearsed. In the end, she could think of only one thing to say.
“Congratulations, it’s a boy.”