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Cartoons are not real life

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Summary: The Stargate is in corporate hands and SG-1 has to think of the future.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > General > Theme: Humor(Past Donor)wolframhartFR712,3280112,81422 Jul 0822 Jul 08Yes
Cartoons are not real life

This is after Season 3 of Stargate and Season 7 for Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Disclaimer: I own neither of these great shows. Sob.
Bashing: None

The Colonel kept his head down and quickly looked around before knocking on Carter’s door. Major Samantha Carter’s eyes went wide when she opened her door to let in Colonel Jack O’Neill. Taking in his stance and the large overcoat, she let out a small laugh. “All you need is a fedora and you could have walked off the movie set of The Maltese Falcon.”

Jack grimaced, “I was aiming for inconspicuous.”

“You missed it by a mile, did you bring it?”

“Yes, are the others here yet?”

“We’ve just been waiting for you; it’s not really as bad as you said, is it?”

Colonel O’Neill thought of the looks and stifled laughs he had seen when he picked up the disk from the television network that would be showing the offending drivel next week. “I think we may have a problem.”

They joined the other two members of SG-1, Janet Frazier and General Hammond in Carter’s living room with a TV and DVD player already set up.

Carter quickly took charge of the meeting, trying to organize the past nine months in her mind before speaking.

Fiscal slowdowns in the economy had endangered the Star Gate program funding. A political decision had been made to go public and place the Star Gate in private hands to see if it could become a revenue source rather than a constant drain on American tax dollars. General Hammond and Colonel O’Neill had fought bitterly against this, citing the dangers of the Goa’uld and risk of invasions. As well as the public panic at the proof of alien life.

President Jack Ryan promised SG-1 that the company he wanted in charge was well equipped to handle the dangers as well as exploit the commercial aspects of the Stargate.

Carter had never heard of the NWC other than that it was based in Cleveland and was apparently some sort of girl’s prep school! The President assured them that a subsidiary of the company, a division called White Knight Industries was an excellent choice to handle the commercialization of the Star Gate.

She still remembered the odd smile and unexplained remark of the President. “If Mr. Harris had gone with his first choice of costume that fateful Halloween, we would not be having this conversation. But he now has a unique ability to see possibilities.”

Sam knew a Mr. Alexander Harris was the president of White Knight Industries as well as a board member of NWC, but that was about all she could find out. His records had all been wiped, seemingly by an expert. She knew there had to be more, but she had been warned off just before SG-1 was placed on stand down.

The public disclosure of the Star Gate had initially been very supportive. Dr Jackson had received credit for his earlier theories about the pyramids and alien activity on Earth. He was also heavily pursued by crazed marriage minded women who just wanted to take him home with them. Dr. Jackson had taken to hiding in his apartment. Jack had thought it was hilarious until he realized no one was chasing after HIM.

The good press had lasted a few weeks until the projections from White Knight had come out about future tax revenues and possible benefits for the country and the world.

Simple things that had not been considered in the quest for weapons and space ships; Introducing higher yield corn and wheat to the farming communities around the galaxy, in exchange for a portion of the yield. Hardier livestock and better farming techniques to raise the standard of living would generate goodwill as well as receiving a portion on these organically grown staples, even a wide market for hand tools could generate untold wealth and tax revenue for companies on Earth.

While the Star Gate program was looking for deposits of naqahdah, White Knight suggested looking for oil deposits on unpopulated worlds and other raw materials needed for basic manufacturing on Earth. The environmentalists eventually got on board since this would cut down on such activity at home. This didn’t even cover the contacts with more advanced worlds.

The federal government was pressed to explain that these ideas were simply not part of the program’s mandate and therefore never pursued. No fault was held to SGC, but public opinion quickly turned at the thought of the lost opportunities. But what really sealed the negative view of the government handling of the program was when the existence of the healing sarcophagus and the anti-aging effects of Dargol were made public.

Dr. Jackson and Dr. Janet Frazier had gone on a local television talk show to explain the dangers and risks of repeated use of the sarcophagus and the untested long term effect of the Dargol. Dr Jackson was quite eloquent regarding his own experiences with the untested, at least on Earth, technologies. The TV spokesperson noted that a single use of the sarcophagus was not dangerous, which Dr. Jackson agreed with, and pointed out that the average citizen is usually not requiring that many life-saving operations in their life time. The Dargol may not have been tested by the FDA, but if Viagra could be fast tracked then Dargol could easily empty out the nursing homes around the world. The interview pretty much went downhill after that.

Now this, it seemed beneath their notice when they first heard about it.

They were all looking to find employment with White Knight so they could continue their work on other worlds, as well as find out how NWC could possibly be “handling” the Goa’uld situation.

Teal’c had been allowed passage at certain times thru the Gate, but he never saw any armed men protecting it. There were only young girls sitting around gossiping to each other. Reports from his contacts told him about sabotage being done to various Goa’uld operations as well as assassinations of False Gods by decapitation but no evidence of identification was ever found. At one site the words “All demons trying to conquer the world, will be slayed” was found spray painted over the body of the God Baal.

When SG-1 showed up at the corporate headquarters expecting to be welcomed with open arms considering their vast experience they were surprised by the Luke-warm reception. An embarrassed young man named Andrew explained that NWC had just seen the new cartoon that was being put out covering the exploits of SG-1. A Mr. Giles and Ms. Summers, the heads of NWC were going to have take their job applications under advisement for the time being.
Colonel O’Neill had finally gotten his hands on an advanced copy of the children’s show that would being coming out next week and was here to show it to the others.

“All right everyone we know why we are here. Let’s just watch the show straight thru and then discuss it.

One hour later.

The group of friends and comrades looked nervously at each other, hoping some one else would be the first to speak. Teal’c jumped fearlessly into the fray. “I don’t thing they did a good job portraying me. The only words I say the entire time are ‘Indeed’ and I am constantly growling and shaking my head. I don’t say Indeed that often, do I?”

Daniel shot up quickly, Teal’c character had been bothering him the whole time for some reason. “Lurch!”

“What?” Jack looked at Daniel funny.

“He’s Lurch, you know Lurch from the Addams Family. That’s who the cartoon character of Teal’c reminds me of. Saying little but shaking his head at the antics of his family.” Daniel was proud to have made the connection finally until he realized how it reflected on the others.

General Hammond was silently stewing. He had only stayed with the program because he believed in it. He could have retired years ago. Now this would make him a laughingstock. “Did you see what they did to me? They made it look like I couldn’t make a decision. Walter mentions we are short on paperclips and my response is “I better call the President.” Every scene I’m in shows me talking to the President. And, and … I am not that heavy looking!”

“You, How about me! Did you see what they did to me?” Daniel Jackson retorted. I start out normal looking but then when an artifact is sighted they transform me into Bozo the Clown. Crazy hair, big red nose and floppy shoes racing to reach the artifact with my arms waving wildly in the air while Goa’uld are shooting at me. Eight times! They have me getting wounded eight times in an hour. I never got wounded that many times.”

Janet Frazier decided to keep her mouth shut. She wasn’t portrayed in the show and didn’t want to draw attention to herself by correcting Daniel.

Carter was trying not to look at anyone. She was completely humiliated by what she had seen, and understood the concerns NWC might have about her. She knew it was just a cartoon and looking at from an outside perspective she also knew it was actually quite funny, but she would have to work to correct the view of her with NWC if she ever wanted off-planet again. Her character was very knowledgeable and a positive role model, except when encountering alien tech or dealing with the cartoon character of Jack O’Neill. Having her counterpart’s eyes become heart shaped and red whenever she looked at the Colonel was bad enough but having her randomly pushing buttons on a piece of alien technology to see what happens was insulting. Jack and Daniel were the one’s who always did that.

“Well, they completely miscast me. I am obviously taller and more rugged than that doodle they have running around to play me.” O’Neill knew he had to throw out some humor to lift everyone’s spirits. The sad part was the cartoon WAS funny. It was clearly a parody of some of their missions. “Did you notice that they had me carrying a fishing rod everywhere? And I think I saw fishing hooks in my cap.”

“I couldn’t find out who wrote this, apparently they wish to remain unknown for now. The details of some of the supporting cast and mission profiles show it was probably someone we worked with, or at least had access to the base.” Jack added.

“What are we going to do? Can we sue? I can’t be taken serious as a scientist after this.” Carter asked. She knew her future was out there in space. If necessary she could hitch a ride with Teal’c and set herself up with one of the more advanced planets she had encountered. No romantic ties, her brother was never close anymore to her and her father was already out there. Jacob was never really trusted by SGC because of the Tokra implantation, maybe Sam and her father could reconnect with each other on a different planet. She decided to contact NWC in the morning to discuss it with them.

“I’ve already looked into it. Once everything became public knowledge, this became legal. We can’t really do too much. Did you notice the small differences? My nametag has just one L, and I saw the same kind of thing with the others. The argument could be that it is not really us. Just some original characters that happen to look like us and did what we did. The lawyer just laughed at me when I asked.”

Colonel O’Neill knew he might be reassigned soon, but he was holding out hope that NWC would contact him. If they didn’t he might have to head out with Teal’c one last time and find a place to settle down. He always enjoyed fishing at his cabin as a break from SGC, but the thought of never walking under alien skies again was almost too much to bear.

“Alright everyone, I don’t think we have anything to worry about. The show will air. There will be some good natured flak from our friends and then it will be forgotten. We can then get on with our lives.” Colonel O’Neill looked around at everyone. These were good people, they had just taken a hit but they would bounce back. He knew it. “This will all blow over. Trust Me.”

{At an undisclosed location}

He couldn’t stop laughing to himself. The network had just contacted him about a continuing series. They already wanted enough shows for two seasons. After the public disclosure of the Star Gate, the NID had taken a serious hit as the villains to SGC’s heroics. When he was let go, he initially started looking for a similar job but no one would touch him. He ended up staying with his idiot nephew the cartoon artist until the whole mess could blow over. His stories (perhaps, slightly skewed) to his nephew were just a way to pass the time without having to discuss the Star Trek collection he shared a room with. How his nephew could possibly get that excited about a TV show, when people were actually going out to space in real life, he would never know. This way he could tweak Jack a little without him finding out and make some money at the same time. Harry Maybourne knew the future was bright.

Author’s Note: I know, I know. I don’t explain the Halloween costume that Xander chose. I decided to let the reader come up with his own ideas of what it might have been. My original idea was to show Xander’s commercialization of the Stargate, but there are already some great stories out there doing that. I really liked what tohonomike is doing in a couple of his stories. I thought this up to reflect the aftermath of public disclosure. Please review.

The End

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