Five Vampires Dr. Horrible Never Met1.
"Ahem." Dr. Horrible cleared his throat, adjusting his lab coat and gloves.
Spike turned, face drawn into a scowl, icy blue eyes narrowed in irritation.
Horrible blushed; who knew evil could be so pretty
He blinked as Spike crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow in question.
"Oh. Yeah." He cleared his throat again. "I…er…uhm…I wondered if you might make me a vampire." There, that wasn't so hard.
Spike moved closer. "And why would I do a bloody stupid thing like that?"
It was always the tricky questions.
"Well…you see, I'm trying to get into the Evil League of Evil. You've heard of them, haven't you? No? Oh, well…they're a big deal where I'm from—but anyways, my correspondence with the association has thus far been…disappointing. I have such evil and nefarious plots, but my nemesis always seems to spoil my plans."
"Goody two-shoes poking her nose into your well-thought-out plans to ruin the day?" Spike sniffed. "Wouldn’t know anything about that."
"Him, actually. Anyways, I've received a letter from Bad Horse, himself—"
"Bad Horse?" Spike snorted. "Sounds like you've lost enough blood already." A black-tipped finger poked the lens of Horrible's goggles. "Lift not go all the way, then?"
"No! It's just…this is my last shot, see? And I'd really like an edge before coming up against my nemesis, Captain Hammer, again."
"So, you're banking on a bit of the demon to make up the difference, right?"
"Right." Dr. Horrible sighed. Finally, they were communicating.
"Hate to disappoint—who am I kidding, I live
to disappoint, 's all I can do these days, sodding soldiers—but I don't do charity cases."
"Oh. Are you sure? I could be a force for evil with my dastardly scientific gadgets and whatnots."
"Mmm…Not too big a fan of technology." Spike paused a moment, before an evil grin spread across his face.
Horrible scowled; it just wasn't fair. Every time he grinned he just looked…cheesy.
"Tell you what, Doc, you get this chip outta my head, and I'll make you as evil as they come."
"Yeah. Some nancypants mad scientists poked around in my brain a bit and now Spikey's a good little lap-dog—no biting for him."
"Uhm…I faint at the sight of blood."
"Otherwise, I would, naturally—evil pacts of evil, dastardly deeds must be kept."
"Whatever. Look, Doc, I'm the wrong vampire for your problem. Need my sire—tall, gelled hair, big forehead... If he isn't evil, I don't know what is."
"Oh. Gelled hair? Big forehead? He doesn’t happen to have unnaturally broad shoulders and a devastatingly debonair smile, does he?"
"Got shoulders like a sodding Mack-truck, he does, but his grin's more the maniacal, torturing-puppies-and-babies sorta thing."
Spike shrugged. "It's your funeral."2.
Dr. Horrible approached the very…large vampire with trepidation—oh, hell, he was shaking in the very evil boots he'd gotten for half-price at Academy, because any store with that much hiking equipment just had
to be evil—but surely one evil mastermind could approach another, right?
Angelus whipped around, smiling evilly. "Oh, look. Lunch is delivered."
Maybe this had been a mistake. And what had happened to the guy's face? Maybe he'd been burned by acid or a butane explosion—messy things, those, and Bunsen burners are much more dangerous than they look—but the creepy yellow glowing eyes seemed to indicate some sort of genetic mutation, perhaps exposure to radiation? This had definitely been a mistake.
Slowly, he began to back away.
"Aw, now don't leave so soon. You had something to say, didn't you?" Angelus leaned into Horrible's face, humming in amusement.
"Me, me, me. That's what it's all about these days, isn't it? All about me. And why not? I enjoy talking about me—it's a great
topic. But right now, my stomach's empty, so if you don't mind, I'd like to get on with things."
"I want to be evil."
Angelus burst into laughter.
"Hey! I'll have you know that I'm an evil mad scientist—well, mostly—and I'm going to become part of the Evil League for Evil, eventually, and one day, I'm going to—" Horrible cut off when Angelus strode into his personal space, arms on either side of his head, trapping him against the wall.
Things were not looking good.
"I knew someone like you, once. Scrawny, blonde, talked non-stop…a bit of a momma's boy, really. I had to put up with him—he was family, you know?—but you
? You're just lunch."
Horrible yelped as large, cold hands gripped his head and twisted it aside. Slicing pain ripped through his body as sharp—and probably very unsanitary—fangs tore open his neck.
He slumped against the wall as the world began to fade.
Maybe he should have tried a werewolf instead.3.
"I see you."
Dr. Horrible's eyes widened; surely she didn't mean him
? He was well-hidden in the brush and his trial run of his new invisibility sphere had been a rousing success. Ok, well, there was that one tiny
glitch, but the repairs had gone well, and he was pretty sure it was operating as expected. Well, he had been
, at any rate.
"Come out, come out, little one. Mummy's got a surprise."
Blinking, Horrible peeped out through the branches. There, on the other side of the shrubbery, stood a pale, thin woman with long dark hair and…mesmerizing eyes.
"There you are. Naughty boy, hiding from Mummy that way."
"Er, yeah." Dr. Horrible was beginning to have second thoughts. The plan to become more evil by being turned into a vampire had seemed brilliant, but if the present sample was any indication, vampirism very well might lead to insanity.
"So lost, little spider. They don't understand, they don't see your vision."
Horrible, swaying under the cadence of her voice, came out from behind the bushes. Transfixed, he stared into her big, dark eyes. What on Earth was wrong with him?
"But I can see. Eyes in your brain, you have. Bits and bobs speak to you, like fairies in the Spring." She stepped closer, one cool hand stroking the side of Horrible's face; his eyes fluttered shut in pleasure. "Mmmm," she sighed, pressing her smooth cheek against his own. "Your pain is like a song...but you've forgotten all the words. Don't worry, little spider, Mummy knows the tune."
Horrible sighed in pleasure as his limbs relaxed in her embrace, her hands tracing his face, his scalp, running down his spine…
Oh, yeah. He loved being evil.
"Just relax, little one. Mummy will make it all better."
Horrible smiled as he felt her lips brush against his jaw, her cool, wet tongue sliding up the side of his face… What?
"Ewww!" Wiping his face, Horrible pushed away. Who knew what properties vampire saliva held? What if it melted his face? Or seeped into his brain? "Maybe we should talk about this."
"No time for singing, love. It's time to eat." She tilted her head as her eyes became glassy and unfocused. "Do you like lollipops?" In an instant, her eyes focused on his face and she lunged for him.
Horrible yelped and scrambled to get away, but a hand snagged the strap of his standard issue mad scientist goggles and he felt his head snap back…
Horrible crumpled to the ground, neck at an unnatural angle.
Dru glanced down at her toy, now broken beyond repair.
Whimpering, she poked it with her foot—the fairies were spoiling all her fun.
Pouting, she left.
Maybe her Daddy would know some fun games to play.4.
"Welcome to Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless."
"Uh, yeah. I'm not exactly hopeless, you know."
"Oh, well, that's fine. You don’t have to be exactly hopeless
, you know. It's just a slogan—I didn't even make it up."
"Well, just so you know." Horrible glanced down at the desk where a holder held a stack of white cards. Taking one, he studied it curiously. "Is that a jet pack?"
"What? No." Angel rose, leaning over his desk. "It's an angel. See? Those are its wings and the head…" he trailed off, glancing up at Horrible.
"Looks like a jet pack to me. Do you sell them?"
"Wha— No!" Reaching out, Angel grabbed the card and plopped back into his seat, scowling. "This is Angel Investigations
, we investigate
Horrible scratched his chin; it would be a good way to branch out, if only he could find a regular supplier of jet fuel. "Would you like to?"
Angel sighed. "Could we discuss your problem, please?"
"Ah, yes. I'd like to become a vampire, please."
"It's this thing. I'm trying to get into the Evil League of Evil, and I'm really doing quite well—I have some new inventions in the works that'll really knock Captain Hammer's socks off—but I thought it would be nice to have an edge."
"You want to become a vampire so you can become more evil? Didn't you hear the slogan? Helping the Hopeless! We have a strict no-evil policy."
Horrible sighed. This vampire was such a wet blanket.
going to help the hopeless! Sort of. See, the world is…diseased. The system is broken, but once I have the power I can change things, get rid of all the corporate bullshit that makes people hopeless."
Angel scowled. "Yeah, like I've never heard that
"No one else was serious about it, I'm going to— Wait. Why am I even talking to you? You're not going to help." He stood, readjusting his goggles. Twisting his face into his best evil sneer—he'd practiced in the mirror for hours before he'd gotten it right—he turned to go.
"I'll just have to find someone who will
Angel watched Dr. Horrible go out the front door.Weird
He glanced down at the card he was still holding. Tilting his head to the side, he grunted.
It did look a little like a jet pack.5.
Dr. Horrible glanced down at his thermal image reader. Glancing up, he found his target: the blonde woman in the corner was room temperature.
He tucked away his device and took a deep breath before approaching the table. "Uhm, excuse me."
"Oh, hi. The steak was wonderful, by the way. It could have been a bit more rare, but…"
The woman blinked; she had lovely blue eyes. "Oh, aren't you the chef? I mean, you've got the white coat, but I didn't know chefs wore those funny goggles. Is it messy in there?"
"No." Horrible closed his eyes and reminded himself to stick to the plan. "I'm a scientist."
"Wow. I was never good at science. See, my high school science teacher got eaten by a praying mantis, and then she was
a praying mantis, so it was just all confusing and stuff. Do you, like, dissect things?"
"Uh. Sometimes. Allow me to introduce myself; I'm Dr. Horrible, and I—"
"Wait, you're a doctor? I thought you were a scientist. Do you have one of those heart-listeny things?" she asked, and for a moment, she looked saddened.
"I'm not that kind of doctor." He snorted. "Not that it would do you any good anyways."
She looked up at him, wide-eyed. "You know?"
Pulling out a chair, he sat down across from her. "Yeah. I, uh, I want to be a vampire."
"Really?" Her eyes lit up.
He fought the urge to blush as her eyes flicked over his form. "Ok. But if we have a threesome, it has to be boy, boy, girl."
"Ahh." Horrible's eyebrows tried to crawl into his hairline. "Haa. Ahhh. I didn't…er…I mean, we don’t have to, I just…well." He shrugged. "We could, though. If you wanted."
Her brow furrowed. "You don't happen to have an ex-girlfriend who left you for a Chaos demon, do you?"
"Ex-girlfriend? No. Not…no."
"Okay." She beamed. "So you wanna go do it?"
"Of course. You do
want to be a vampire, don't you?"
"Yes. I just didn't know the process involved…it
She snorted. "How else would you do it? I mean, it's a little oogy, but you get used to it after a while."
"Oogy?" Horrible gulped.
"Yeah. Sucking people's blood sounds gross, but it's not bad when it's warm, and it sorta tastes good, too."
"Oh. Sucking blood." His stomach lurched. "OH! Sucking blood! I, uh, faint at the sight of blood."
"I did, too, at first. It helps if you close your eyes."
"I can do that." Taking a deep breath, Horrible squared his shoulders and lifted his chin.
"Great!" She stood, straightening her skirt as she turned to go. Pausing at the door, she turned back to look at him. "I'm Harmony, by the way."
. That's a great name." Smirking evilly, he followed Harmony into the night.
The Evil League of Evil wouldn't know what hit them.FIN
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