Slayers vs. Supervillains
Author's Note: some of the jokes in here will make more sense if you've read the story Actualization.
* * *
The door of the Stable of Doom crashed inwards. Three serious-looking young women entered. The thin redhead in charge wore a multicolored knit cap. The black Slayer on her left wore a tight t-shirt that read, ‘Demonically enhanced since 10,000 B.C.’ The Asian woman on the right carried a long straight sword, both edges razor sharp.
Dr. Horrible stood in the central aisle of the stable, Death Ray in hand. He took a deep breath and started to sing, “With my Dea--” The lead Slayer blurred forward and rendered the Doctor unconscious with a carefully-restrained punch. The comatose supervillain flew backwards to land in a convenient pile of straw.
A copper-haired woman stepped from the darkness of a stall. She was attired in matching red leather skirt, bustierre, and go-go boots.
“Oh. My. God,” said Rona. “Who’re you supposed to be, Elektra?”
“I’m Bad Penny;” the woman in red stated as she moved fully out of the shadows. “I always turn up.”
The lead Slayer hesitantly asked, “Penny?”
Bad Penny stared in disbelief. “Vi?”
Chao Ahn looked from the Scarlet Scoundrel to the cunningly hatted Slayer. Her forehead furrowed. Finally, she said in barely-accented English, “Twins?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Rona muttered. “I thought this kind of stuff only happened to Buffy.”
At the same time both sisters exclaimed, “I thought you were dead!”
“Now you’re a Slayer?” Penny spat out the last word as an epithet.
Vi scowled. “You’ve got no room to talk; you’re with the Evil League of Evil.”
Rona cleared her throat. “Umm, not to bust up a family reunion, but isn’t there some demon around here that needs slaying?
Bad Penny gaped. “Demon? Here? Are you on monkey crack?”
At the sound of hooves on the earth all the women turned to look at the newest arrival. “Speaking of the devil...,” Vi said.
“Oh, please. I’ve got much better hooves than Lou,” said Bad Horse. He reared up on two hindlegs and roared while his body transformed. Bad Horse’s forehooves shifted into taloned hands, while his chest grew broader and more humanoid. Horns sprouted from his forehead, while his teeth lengthened into frightening fangs.
Bad Penny staggered back, mouth flopping like the guy Moist had tried to drown the previous week. “D-d-demon...” she finally managed.
“You thought a talking horse with an IQ of 135 acting as a criminal mastermind was normal?” The Stallion of Sin shook his head in pity.
“Well, this is LA,” said Penny in a small voice.
“Goddess, you’re evil AND dumb,” said Vi. Bad Penny stared at her twin with hate-filled eyes. With a heavy heart, Vi prepared to do battle with her sister.
“You would think it’s a moral dilemma-” Bad Penny’s pop-rap crossover song was cut short when Rona backhanded her. “Hey, ‘Rent’ reject,” said the dark Slayer. “You don’t have to fight Vi. But rule number one: no singing.”
“Fine, I’ll fight you first,” growled Penny. She slashed at Rona’s face with a riding crop.
“Too slow, Small Change,” called Rona.
“It’s Bad Penny,” the villainess shrieked.
“Penny wise...” Rona executed a footsweep. The villainess fell to the floor. The Slayer executed a perfect axe kick, knocking out the red head. “...pound foolish,” Rona concluded.
While Penny and Rona dueled for supremacy, Vi and Chao Ahn fought with the demon called Bad Horse.
The two Slayers circled the dark demon. Chao Ahn kept her double edged jian in constant motion as she danced in a circle. Vi had a large Buck knife in one hand and a stake in the other. Bad Horse looked towards Chao Ahn, seeking an opening. Vi tried to take advantage, but the demon kicked backwards, striking Vi with an enormous hoof. Slayer reflexes turned a chest-shattering blow into one that simply knocked her backwards, gasping for breath.
Chao Ahn leapt forward, sword poised to spit Bad Horse through the chest. The demon parried the thrust with one huge, callused hand. Then he grasped the blade with taloned fingers, but the Chinese Slayer pulled it free. The Thoroughbred of Sin roared as three of his fingers fell to the floor. Chao Ahn followed up with a cut at Bad Horse’s knee, and the blade bit deep.
Instead of falling back as Chao Ahn expected, the demon lurched forward, knocking the Slayer to the ground. Bad Horse landed atop the Chinese Slayer and pinned her to the ground with his great bulk. The demon wrapped his uninjured hand around Chao Ahn’s throat and began to squeeze. “This is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me,” he gloated.
The knife appeared as if by magic, embedded in the base of Bad Horse’s skull. In slow motion the demon toppled forwards onto Chao Ahn, still pinned beneath the monster’s weight. Vi stood, shaky but obviously still lethal.
Unnoticed by the Slayers, Dr. Horrible had regained consciousness some time during the fight. He crawled over to where Penny lay, sprawled upon the ground. He carefully picked up his lover’s unconscious form, stood, and staggered out the back exit.
At the far end of the stable the Malicious Quartet stood in shock. They had returned the Stable of Doom too late to save their master from the Slayers. The Cowboy Chorus looked at each other and nodded as one. They began to scramble about, up to no good, and one of them pulled a tarp off an old-fashioned electric detonator. Together they began to sing,
“Bad Horse, Bad Horse,
Bad Horse, Bad Horse,
The Slayers may have done you in,
but we’ll commemorate your sin.
We’ll dynamite this place to Hell;
it will be our final knell,
Chao Ahn had just managed to get out from beneath the dead demon when Vi screamed, “Run!” Rona and Vi were the first out the stable door, with the Chinese Slayer mere seconds behind.
The pressure wave from the explosion buffeted the two faster Slayers, but knocked Chao Ahn off her feet. She got to her feet and moved towards her fellow Slayers.
Rona stared at the fireball that had been the Stable of Doom and paled. “Is your sister...”
Vi shook her head. “Naw, it’s okay. I saw the geek in the lab coat carry her out before we brought the house down.”
Chao Ahn limped up to where the other two Slayers stood. “Gotta phone...Mr. Giles...when we get back,” huffed the Chinese Slayer.
Rona looked at the other Slayer. “Damn, girl, you need to get in better shape. You must’ve been eating too much bao when you were back visiting your folks.”
“Screw you,” Chao Ahn replied. “If I hadn’t had to crawl out from under Sad Horse’s carcass I’d be fine.”
Rona smiled as the three Slayers trudged back to the Jeep parked just off the main road. “So, Vi...”
“Gonna tell your boy-toy about your evil twin in red leather?”
“I guess so,” Vi said hesitantly. “Why?”
Chao Ahn snickered and Rona handed Vi a red leather riding crop. “You can use this on Xander when you guys play ‘mistress of pain.’”
Vi shrieked, “That was a movie; it was a joke!”
* * *
“Can you hear me? Penny?”
“Mmph,” replied the supervillainess. She slowly opened one eye, as the other was swollen shut.
“Penny,” said Dr. Horrible, “you look dreadful.”
She managed a crooked smile. “You saved me. I guess we escaped from the Slayers?”
“Of course. Was one of them your sister?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” whispered Penny.
“Okay.” The Doctor of Horribleness frowned in thought. “We ought to keep a low profile for a while.”
“Vacation?” Dr. Horrible raised his eyebrows suggestively.
Bad Penny smiled. “You promised me Australia.”
“And I shall show it to you.”