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The Quick And The Dead

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Summary: I'm not a nice person and I sure as heck don't take no crap from anyone. So whatever force decided to send me to middle earth was extremely brave or extremely stupid maybe both because once I'm through with them... well you'll have to read and find out

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Lord of the Rings > Non-BtVS/AtS StoriesXinnLagjinFR2124,2740386331 Jul 084 Aug 08No

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Welcome To Middle Earth

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters from lord of the rings this is merely a story produced to satisfy my own imagination.
Summery: Have you ever been a situation so ridiculous, so unreal, and so screwed up that you just had to say what the fuck? Well if you haven’t your in for one hell of a ride. My name is Kennonomoi Espada and for some very sadistic reason I was sent to middle earth

Ah, now where do I begin? Well I guess a quick review of my short, but fucked up life is in order. As I said before my name Kennonomoi Espada and I’m from southwest Philadelphia, in the east coast of America. I’m seventeen years old. I have five older brothers and I live with my mother Kirei Wilson. Like most of my generation, my father wasn’t there to raise me, even though I bare his last name. Ma, as my brothers and I refer to her, took care of us by herself and the only real presence Benjamin Espada had in my life was that though child support. As you can imagine, my mother wasn’t happy in the least. In fact Kirei became bitter and took out all her problems on us.

Or at least that’s what my eldest brother Hogosha used to tell me, he died at the age of twenty-one leaving behind a wife and a son. Shot by the Po Pos no less. And that was a little over last New Year’s Day. I didn’t know weather I believed him or not and now I guess I’ll never know. Anyway, Ma was always a brittle bitch in my eyes, and I had nothing else to imagine her as. With the exception being what Hogosha, Ouji, Tenteioamai, and even Keikoku told me she was like before I was born. All I know is each of them left her care as quickly, and as efficiently as they could until I was the only one left. And for me, it was the worst of all; at least my brothers had each other and their memories to rely on. I had no such respite in my mother’s keeping.

I guess in some sick and twisted way she saw my father in me and for that I had to be punished. After my first brutalized nurturing years, I was sent to school for the first time. The faculties at Mitchell elementary school were good people, even if they were a bit slow. They thought because I didn’t speak, I was retarded, and needed constant attention. In truth I was silent so that others wouldn’t notice me, so that I could slip into the invisible cracks of life and just disappear. But somehow, I made out of elementary school with only the harsh words of my mother, and light teasing of other children. By the time I hit middle school, I still didn’t speak a word and Kirei was becoming frustrated.

You see, she wanted her words to hurt my father but since she couldn’t, she settled for me. I look like him and that was enough for her. Though she hadn’t physically harmed me up until then, the things she said did hurt. But the most profound thing happened, I just stopped caring. It didn’t matter anymore that she was my mother; I was just sick and tired of her constant bitching and moaning. And each time she started one of those ‘life isn’t fair’ bullshit speeches, I just stared blankly at her. One day she got so fed up with my unresponsiveness that she held me to a wall and tried to choke me to death. Needless to say she got her reaction.


Twelve-year-old Kennonomoi was in deep shit. Her feet dangled a few inches off the ground held by her throat by her mother. Kirei’s livid hazel gaze fixed upon her daughter’s orange brown eyes. In every physical way save her sex, the youngest Espada child was her father’s daughter. She had the same eyes, facial structure, and chocolate skin tone. Her hair was the deepest black, and the way she carried herself, even though she barely knew the man was just like her father.

It was because of that Kirei only hated this child more. “I AM YOUR MOTHER, YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME!” Kennonomoi snapped. With strength beyond her years the child wrenched Kirei’s grasp from her neck with her right hand, and connected her left fist to her mother’s face. Kirei fell to the floor in pain as her daughter stood over her with balled fist and barely checked rage. “If you ever touch me again I will kill you”.

Ma never hit me again after that. Now don’t get it twisted she still insulted and threatened me but she never dared put her hands on me. I guess she could hear the honesty in what I said. I find it amusing that my first words were that I would kill my mother. And I suppose that at least my classmates in high school were right about me in one sense. I am one sick, cynical, silence of the lambs’ kind of gal. Ah! We arrive at the destination of my point. High school was perhaps one of the worst experiences of my life that includes being dumped into a fictional world where Santa’s elves, snow white’s dwarves, and midgets that call themselves hobbits do exist.

The crumb snatchers at Bartram Communications were relentless in their pursuit in making my life a living hell. At first, I was only teased constantly about how little I spoke and how I wore my hair. But then, some kids began to get bold. They would throw paper balls at me, and then some stupid piece of shit made the mistake of throwing a textbook. I shoved his upper torso out a window, and closed it forcibly on his stomach. That had earned me a week of suspension and the nickname Bee. That one act gave me a notorious reputation.

A reputation, that I unfortunately had to keep up because other boys felt the urge to fight me, I’ve been fighting ever since. But it is because of that shit, that I’m hog tied and half conscious now being dragged to God knows where by orcs. You see, I was in my last weeks of high school and as usual some hot shot limp dick wanted to fight me. To say the least, I beat him so badly that it would take a miracle for him not to come out a cripple.


Kennonomoi spat on her latest ‘victim’. She didn’t really know who he was, and really didn’t care. All she knew was that whoever he was had the nerve not only attack her but underestimated her. The boy was at least three times her size, but he still cried like a little two-dollar crack hoe that had just been denied her fix. His once handsome features were now covered in blood and few teeth lay scattered on the ground. Seeing a golden chain around his neck the young woman ripped it from him and placed it around her throat, “Welcome to Philly bitch.”

Who would ever know that I would regret doing that shit to that loud mouth? Damn, had I known that beating up people could result in immediate interdimensional relocation I wou- Who the fuck am I kidding? I still would have rearranged their faces. Anyhow, all I know is that I got home changed my clothes, grabbed my gym bag and headed out again. I was going to my martial arts class when I was sucked up by this swirly thing, only to wake up and meet a white Martin Luther King wanna be on crack.

Kennonomoi walked down the street. She was dressed in her customary ice blue and gray sweats with her black sneakers. Her thick black hair was held at bay by a brightly colored string that matched her sweats. The necklace she snatched from the kid she beat up earlier glittered brightly against the white of her short, motorcycle jacket. The young woman sighed absently as the recreation center came into view. It was time to practice.

But, just as Kennonomoi was about to walk the rest of the short distance to her destination something happened. The pavement under her feet began to tremble and lightning crackled dangerously close to her. The she looked up into the sky only to see the heavens open up and descend upon her. Kennonomoi did the only thing she could think of at the moment. She screamed.

After that whacked out shit back home happened I woke up to find myself in a place called Rivendell. A place by the way, that only happens to exist in books and movies. Elrond the boss of that fucked up fairytale place was there too. And don’t get me started with that anus licker Gandalf, with those fucking retard midgets of his. I didn’t know then but I would grow to like those two even less than when I first woke up.

Kennonomoi had a headache. It felt as if an elephant had thought it proper to trample over her head. She fought the urge to open her eyes, ‘Check list first, visuals later.’ Kennonomoi wiggled her toes, ‘Check.’ She flexed her hands,’ Check.’ Then slowly, she opened her eyes, only to hiss in pain. The young woman hated mornings with a passion, especially when the light hit her eyes. “So you are finally awake young one, we feared you would never rise.”

Not opening her eyes Kennonomoi greeted whoever it was in her midst with her usual sarcastic wit and flippant tone. “Who the fuck are you?” “Such language is not becoming of a lady.” Hearing the frown in the melodic voice of the person who was with her, Kennonomoi let a cold smile set upon her lips. She opened her eyes to see a beautiful stern looking man sitting at the foot of her bed. His hair was long and flowing down his shoulders like a waterfall of dark brown. His blue eyes watched her with caution, annoyance, and a spark of worry.

He was dressed in rich robes that shimmered deep blues and elegant lilac. This was clue enough for Kennonomoi that once again her life had taken a turn for the worst. But instead of drawing attention to her latest fear she turned her attention to the man who sat in front of her. “Where the hell, am I?” she demanded. “Lady lang-” but she interrupted him, “I’m Bee and I’m no lady so don’t call me one.” “Now, that we have that out the way answer my God damned questions.” Her host seemed to freeze in shock for just a second, but just as he was about to criticize her language again when someone else cut him off.

“You are in the houses of healing in the valley of Rivendell, he is Elrond lord of this city and I am Gandalf the gray.” Kennonomoi looked to were she heard the voice, only to see an old man dressed in rough looking gray robes sitting in a chair not far from her bed. ‘This can not be happening.’ She tried to say. But all that came out was, “O, you have to be shit’n me!”
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