Summary: Ron is determined to show the world that the newest professor is a chicken. Thus, Benjamin Boo-ford Byrd learns exactly why \ DADA professors only last a year. Animaniacs/HP crossover
Disclaimer: I own neither HP nor Animaniacs.
AN: A crack-esq fic that would not leave me alone. Hope you enjoy. Please don’t take it too seriously.September 1st:
“I would like to introduce this year’s newest Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Professor Benjamin Boo-ford Byrd.” Dumbledore announced brightly. As the newest professor stepped forward and the students applauded, at the Gryffindor table Ronald Weasley had the most baffled expression on his face. “Let the feast begin!”
As the food appeared, Hermione Granger turned to Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley, her two best friends. “What do you think about him?” She asked.
“He doesn’t look evil. Haven’t heard of him before though.” Harry said.
“Really?” Hermione asked sounded shocked. “Professor Byrd recently invented a spell that prevents birds eggs from cracking under extreme pressure.”
Ginny Weasley added onto the conversation. “He’s also one of the world’s expert’s on magical creatures.”
Harry nodded giving the newest professor a good look. “Maybe he won’t try to kill me this year, then.” Harry said with only the tiniest glimmer of hope because inevitably his teachers tried to kill him one way or another.
“You can’t be serious,” Ron said exasperated. “He’s a chicken! Professor Byrd is a giant chicken! I mean come on. His name is bird! Bird!”
Hermione rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Ronald.” She huffed annoyed.
Harry gave him an odd look. “That’s not funny, Ron.” Ginny said sounding peeved as well.
Ron looked at them baffled, looked back at the newest ‘professor’ and wondered how stupid his friends were. Byrd wore a teacher’s robe but his tail and wings were still visible, his face was unchanged from that of a chicken except he wore glasses and had the biggest eyes Ron had ever seen on a bird, ending with a witches had on its head. What baffled Ron the most was that it was apparently holding a conversation with Hagrid and McGonagall, it was clucking and they were talking.
Ron knew it was going to be a long year and not because of Voldemort.October
Ron stared, the ball was costumed this year and Byrd was dressed as a bird. Ron glared at him, intent on removing the fake peacock tail strapped to the giant chicken’s tail. He would prove that he wasn’t crazy. He’d earned enough detentions already (or so he’d been told) from the thing. He was getting his revenge.
Ron smiled at Hermione who was blushing as he lead them closer toward the groups of professors. Hermione didn’t seem to notice and Ron was trying his hardest to keep it that way. He didn’t want Hermione to think he was using her, which he was even though he did fancy her but he wasn’t quite ready to admit it. Ron’s brain stopped momentarily trying to understand how he wasn’t ready to admit it when he just clearly stated he did before counting on with his plans.
Just a little closer…just a bit more and he’d show he wasn’t crazy. Ron’s foot caught on Hermione’s dress and the two fell to the ground. He resisted the urge to curse as Hermione fell on him. Great, now he had to deal with his hormones and feelings. Tonight was just not going his way. In the corner of his eye he saw Byrd flutter away. Ron musn’t have been as sneaky as he thought. First thing first though,
“Could you get off me, Mione?” He said blushing. Hermione blushed back and pushed herself off of him.November:
Ron looked at the fake turkey in front of him made of some muggle material called ‘toe-fu’. “Why are we eating this again?” He asked as he looked at the glob that was suppose to be food.
“Professor Byrd is American,” Hermione said matter of fact. “He asked Dumbledore is we could celebrate their holiday called “Thanksgiving” except that the traditional turkey meal caused \ him problems.”
Harry rolled his eyes. “Did you even pay attention in class Ron? Byrd’s been talking about it all month.”
Ron said nothing. He once again reached for the battered potions textbook that had become his friend.December:
Ron smacked his head repeatedly against the table as the rest of the class oohed and awed. “Bgock bgock BGOCK!” A stream of light came out of the chicken’s wand and turned the errant flying pixies into grasshoppers. He looked up at the board, chicken scratch and he was the only one who apparently couldn't read it.
He looked at Hermione steadily taking notes, back at the Byrd chasing the grasshoppers and eating them, then back to Harry who was talking seriously with Seamus about the spell. Ron returned to hitting his head. He passed the class by reading Hermione’s notes and copying the spells intoned by the class. Was he the only sane one?
“Bgock!” Ron heard near him. Byrd was clucking something at him before it looked around the room. “Bgock! Bgock! BGOCK!”
“I’m sorry about that professor?” Ron said in a confused tone. The chicken began pecking the ground as it headed toward it’s “desk”, which was a giant nest littered with papers and ink. Ron took out his potions book and began to read. If this wasn’t making any sense to him then maybe potions would for once.
Hermione slammed his book shut. He looked at her angered face. “Honestly, Ron.” She huffed and moved to sit elsewhere. Harry gave him an annoyed look.
“I have to agree with her, there was no reason you had to insult professor’s Byrd’s mother like that.” He snarled.
Ron stared baffled. What had he done to deserve this? For a brief instant he decided to blame Harry, it was all inevitably his fault. Except that this wasn’t Voldemort or some Death Eater. His blame died quickly and he opened the book once more intoning vainly, “I’m telling you he’s a giant chicken.” The others ignored him, he felt their glares and continued reading potions.March:
Ron took another sip of the calming draught he frequently carried around. He was beginning to think he was addicted to them. His plan had to work, this had been going on long enough.
“Chocolate Frogs.” The gargoyle moved. Ascending the stairs, Ron would appeal to Dumbledore. The man had to know that Byrd was a chicken or whether he was having the most intense delusion in the world.
He didn’t bother knocking and slammed the door open. Dumbledore looked up form his desk a concerned look on his face. “Mr. Weasley, what are you doing here?”
“I know Byrd is a chicken.” He said confidently. “I don’t know how you did it professor but it hasn’t worked on me.”
“I’m afraid that you’re mistaken, Mr. Weasley. Professor Byrd is as human as you or me.” He pulled out a tome from somewhere. “Come here Mr. Weasley if you don’t believe me.” Ron crept forward unsure. The headmaster opened the book. There inside was a picture of Bryd receiving the Order of Merlin, First Class. Him with the Minister of Magic, Bryd on a broom, Bryd before a vampire, and an article that captioned “Byrd herds hippographs.” In all the pictures he was still a giant chicken with a robe, glasses, hat, and wand. Ron looked Dumbledore in his twinkling eyes and declared him senile. June:
Ron huffed, puffed, and nearly screamed breathlessly when Byrd appeared with the rest of the Order.
Spells and Byrd flew. Ron cast his own useless spells and saw an expelliarmus hit the chicken straight and center. Feathers and clothing flew everywhere chocking both ally and enemy alike. As the settled, Ron couldn’t help but laugh at everyone’s surprised and shocked expressions as Bryd was stood naked to them for the first time.
“He’s a chicken!” A death eater screamed.
“He is a chicken!” yelled another.
“Byrd was a giant chicken all this time?” An order member said shocked.
“I told you so!” Ron screamed and fired a spell at the giant chicken.
Bryd clucked in alarm and started flying away.
“Come back here!” Ron yelled as the battle began again. The bird ran, flew, and got out of the building in time to see Voldemort before fluttering into a floo channel.
Outside, Boo started walking down the road.
Chicken Boo, what's the matter with you?
You don't act like the other chickens do.
You wear a disguise to look like human guys.
But you're not a man, you're a chicken, Boo.