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Xander's WHAT?!

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Summary: Ethan Rayne has a lot to answer for. Xander wants to be first in line to make him pay.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Charmed > Xander-Centered > Pairing: Chris HalliwelltootsFR1599,035264867,60516 Aug 0816 Aug 08Yes
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Chapter Two: What's a Metaphor for Womanhood

Chapter Two: What’s a Metaphor for Womanhood

Xander groaned as he woke up. He flailed at his beeping alarm clock and his bedside table crumpled under his fist dainty fist. Xander’s eyes widened and all thoughts of sleep fled. Then the cramping in his middle started up and Xander squeezed his eyes shut and shouted, “Willow!”

His door banged open and he cracked his eye to see a powered up Willow looking around for the threat. “I think it’s falling out,” he grumbled.

She looked at him, uncomprehending before she noticed where his hands were pressed. Then she powered down, fighting a smile. She waved behind her and all of the Slayers dispersed, leaving Buffy, Dawn, Cordy, Faith, and herself to explain to a recent convert to womanhood what was going on.

“You’re cramping. You’re having your menarche,” she said. The others’ face took on understanding looks.

Except for Xander, who looked at her kind of peeved. “I know. What do I do?”

“Hot water bottles and ibuprofen, dude, just like the rest of us,” Dawn said. She flopped down on the bed and patted his leg. “Periods suck but you’ll get used to them.”

“I don’t want to get used to them,” Xander muttered.

Buffy, though, had noticed something. “Xander, what happened to your bedside table?”

“It must have been made from inferior wood,” Xander said, shaking his head. “One measly slap and it folded like a stack of cards.”

Buffy glanced at Faith whose eyebrows were climbing up her forehead. “Um. Why don’t you go get cleaned up? We need to go talk to Giles.”

“We do?” Dawn asked, looking up. At her sister’s wiggly eyebrows, she said, “We do.”

Willow patted Xander’s shoulder. “Remember. It’ll only last for seven days.”

Xander looked at her, horrified. “That’s not comforting, Will.”

After they’d all left, he shuffled to his bathroom. When he yanked the door open, though, it came off its hinges. Actually, the hinges came, too. “Shit,” he shouted, frustrated.

He knew what that meant. He’d heard the stories. He’d seen what Slayers could do when they weren’t paying attention.

“Ethan Rayne is going to die,” Xander said resolutely. “I’m going to kill him.”

He muttered through his shower, through shaving his legs, through using ladies’ products for the first time. He muttered all the way to Giles’s office, doing the crawling-underwear jiggle, trying to get everything situated.

“Ethan Rayne,” he announced as he threw open the door, “is going to die. I am going to kill him.”

“Ah,” Giles said, leaning back. “So you’ve figured out that you’re-”

“A Slayer, yes,” Xander bit off. “I’m wearing a diaper, I keep breaking things, and I have to sit to pee. I miss my penis, Giles. Boobies lose their novelty after a few days of having to wear a bra. I’m a boob-man, Giles. Boobies should never lose their novelty.”

Giles was honestly a little horrified. Xander might still be thinking like a man, but he looked like a young woman. A very striking young woman. “Xander, I’m sorry but it’s only been three weeks. You have to give it some time.”

“I know,” Xander said. “I’m sure there’s something good about being a woman and I will find it. But for right now, tell me where Ethan Rayne is. Because, I swear to every goddess I can think of, I’m going to kill that man.”

“Calm yourself,” Giles said, frowning. “You’re still getting used to the hormones that come with being a woman. I’m sure when you’re back to your old self, you’ll feel differently.”

“Giles, this isn’t hormones,” Xander hissed. “This is pissed off.”

Faith finally cracked. She threw back her head and cackled. “X, man, if there’s one man on the planet that didn’t deserve this, it’s you. But don’t worry; we get what you’re saying. And we’ll help you find the joys of womanhood.”

Giles closed his eyes. “As long as you don’t do it in my office. Please, I’m trying to run an international organization, here.”

“Come on, Dweeb,” Cordy said, leading the way out. “We’ll enlighten you to the ways of the woman. Just not here. Because the man has to run his organization of teenage girls.”

Giles huffed as the women led an unhappy Xander out.

Quote: I’m sorry, Wendy, but I just don’t trust something that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die.

-Mr. Garrison, South Park


AN: The title makes note of something Andrew said in Buffy’s Season Seven Episode Potential.

Andrew: Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny

Xander: Say Skywalker, and I smack ya.

...

Andrew: It's like—well, it's almost like this metaphor for womanhood, isn't it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she's part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve, and-

Xander: I'll pay you to talk about Star Wars again.

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