Chapter Four - Smoking Hot! - Humor
A X-Men Evo Misfits crossover by Spaceman
www dot fanfiction dot net slash spaceman
February 29, 2008 March 01, 2008 March 04, 2008 March 05, 2008
April 21, 2008
April 21, 2008
X-Men Evolution is the property of Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Marvel, and Co.
GI Joe is the property of Hasbro, Marvel, and other companies.
Misfits is the property of Red Witch. Permission Given.
Original chars belong to me.
This is a work of fan fiction for non-profit entertainment purposes only.
No profit or offense intended.
Sound LOUD SOUND
telepathy mental command
#phone# Computer Screen
(1) Warning 1st chapter is wordy, a lot of intros. For those who haven't read Red Witch
(2) Most OC names come from "most popular names" and "most common surnames" lists.
(3) Foreign languages come from Internet Translator.
This is an experiment with action instead of comedy.
--EPISODE 04:Smoking Hot!
Hawk swallows a few Metahuman-Strength Headache Medicine and the starts his report.
On the desk next to him is the latest group photo of the Misfits the source of the headache.
It's been four months since Nicholas Dark, Michael X Brown, and Jonathan J. Jones joined the Misfits. In that time, they have joined the other Misfits on one hundred and eight missions ranging from small jobs to large scale attacks. They have becomes typical Misfits.
Next is the profiles.
--Name: Dark, Nicholas
Primary Power(s): Regenerative Healing Factor
Description: An accelerated healing process that enables him to regenerate damaged or destroyed tissue with far greater efficiency than an ordinary human.
Foreign Chemical Immunity; Immunity to Disease, Insulated Weather Adaptation; Retarded Aging; Superhuman Strength, Stamina, Reflexes, and Agility; Superhumanly Acute Senses
Nicholas is an amnesiac mutant found floating in the waters off Eastern Canada, with ID indicating he was a student of Genesis Academy. The Academy was missing before Joe forces could investigate. He was a very calm demeanor, which allows him to survive the usual Misfit insanity. He's also acts as control, preventing the more active Misfits from causing too much trouble to allies.
"He's to us, like X23 and Wolverine are to the X-Men." says Hawk to himself, "He's also good at sniffing out Shipwreck's booze, finding out which of the new green boys are high, and determining which female Joes are on there periods so the males known to avoid them"
He shudders at what happened to one new recruit, who bothered Jinx last week. One thought going threw his mind, How can a three prong sai fit up there?
Name: Brown, Michael X.
Primary Power(s): Physical Augmentation.
Description: The subject's body has far greater mass and muscle density
Superhuman Strength (Class 100) and Durability, Enhanced Enhanced Stamina and Agility; Superhuman Reflexes; Healing Factor (minor).
Michael was a compulsive workaholic on his way a business meeting when he was caught in a terrorist bombing. His mutant ability awoke and reacted to save his life, in the process granting superhuman physical abilities. It also resulted in a gender transformation that has given him gender issues, temper problems and a cynical outlook on life
Hawk remembers the first week after Miss Brown and Mr. Jones left the X-Mansion. He watched the beautiful amazon tear apart old tanks, rending thick plates of enhanced steel like aluminum foil.
He also cringes at the memory of the drunk Green-shirt who made a pass and grabbed her ass. A double "Inguinal orchiectomy" with out anesthetic. The fool also needed reconstructive surgery to repair the damage to his pelvis and colon.
Name: Jones, Jonathan J.
Primary Power(s): Kinetic Memory
Description: The subject's mind works in the same way as a computer with unlimited storage capacity, only much faster. He is able to perform several mental functions at once without losing focus on any of them. Also, allows him to instantly recall specific information with incredible speed and accuracy.
Multi-Tasking; Superhuman Reflexes and Agility; Cyberpathy; Telepathy (minor)
Jonathan was a slacker and loner before his mutant gene activation. He spent most of his time on the computer, watching television and movies, reading comic books, and writing fan fiction. His mutant ability was not activated normally, but by having a encounter with a female mutant. The mutant girl used him to purge toxins from her body, but managed to awake his impressive mental abilities.
Hawk is impressed by the Multi-Tasking, but not it's used. He saw him connect to a set of wireless computers and allocating a partition of his brain to searching for fanfic, another part for downloading music, a part for downloading movies, a part for playing an Online Game, and using the remainder to write a fanfiction. He's now a multi-tasking Slacker.
"OK. Now for the missions. It's been a busy four months. An average of 27 missions per month."
Hawk writes for several minutes, the stops at a certain missionMission 024/108 - Burning Air Formula
Main: Wavedancer, Toad, Avalanche, Blob, Scarlet Witch, and Quicksilver
Addition: Pyro, Arcade, Nicholas, JJ, and Miss Brown
Summary: Recovery of stolen chemical weapon formula.
"Brazilian chemist Dr. Silva created a new lachrymatory agent, a chemical compound that irritates the eyes to cause tears, pain, and even temporary blindness. The formula was to become military grade pepper spray, but after a failed kidnapping the formula and samples were stolen by drug dealers mistaken for designer drugs. They case was sent north to Mexico and from there to Texas.'
'After one of dealers was revealed to be a powerful fire manipulating mutant, the DEA and other authorities asked GI Joe for assistance "
"The gas formula is incomplete and inert unless it is mixed and heated with a liquid containing methyl vanillyl nonenamide." says the formula creator Dr. Silva over the radios.
"Capsaicin!" says Nicholas, "Your saying if this formula is mixed with spicy food..."
"It will produce a chemical gas designed to incapacitate large crowds, but at extremely toxic levels."
"How hot? Scoville scale." asks Nicholas
"Give me a second to calculate.." says the scientist with the sound of computer typing, "Above 5000."
"We have a big problem." says Nicholas
In front of him is a huge area with many tens and under each tent is a person next to a huge pot and bowls to serve customers. There are also smaller bowls of chips, Pinto beans, and other foods. There are bottles that read Blair's 16 Million Reserve and The Source, from Original Juan Specialty Foods and jars marked Dorset Naga Pepper, Red Savina habanero, and other peppers.
The banner above reads "US Grand Chili Cook Off and Hot Sauce Lover's Convention 2008"
"Fortunately, the Misfits managed to find the dealers before they could escape the Convention and managed to apprehend the subjects."
The three drug dealer are dark skinned Latin Americans with thick black hair and dark eyes. The two normal human dealers have mustaches and muscular builds. The Brazilian mutant is clean shaved with a thin build. All of them wear red shirts, black pants, and black shoes, but the mutant wears a red and black pattern headband.
The mutant boy known as Rei de Vulcão (Volcano King) is fighting Pyro. The Latin American has the pyrokinetic ability to superheat ambient inorganic compounds causing them to "erupt" into explosion of flame. He's currently using his power to superheat the Silica in the sand beneath Pyro. The Australian mutant on the other hand is using his pyrokinetic abilities to shape the flame into cowboys and horses made of the fire.
The other two men have pulled out there choice of weapons, they each have a pair of Taurus PT92 pistols, license-built reproductions of Beretta 92s used by the Brazilian Army. They are expert shots with the semi-automatic pistols and they have a large supply of hollow point 9 mm Parabellum rounds
Wavedancer's solution is to using her mutant ability to manipulate the water to create balls of chili then rams it into the drug traffickers, knocking them down with the help of an invisible Xi. Quicksilver whips by stealing the guns and there wallets, Toad kicks them into the air, then Avalanche creates a wave of Earth that flings the duo into a stall. They collapse, dizzy, confused and in serious pain into the chairs.
JJ pops up from behind the counter and places two glasses in front of the two dealers like a bar man. The glasses aren't filled with liqueur, but a dark liquid.
"Which ordered The Source?"
"O que você disse??" (What did you say??) says the one on the left speaking Portuguese
JJ then throws the contents of both glasses into the eyes of the two criminals. The liquid was a pepper extract used to make large amounts of food hotter with a single drop. The Scoville scale is a measure of the 'hotness' of a chili pepper or anything derived from chili peppers, i.e. hot sauce. Cayenne pepper has a rating between thirty thousand and fifty thousand. Common Pepper spray found in women's hand bags rate two million and Police grade Pepper spray rates five point three million. The Source, from Original Juan Specialty Foods rates over Seven Million!
"Os meus Olhos! Os meus Olhos! Alguém os recortou!!"
(My Eyes! My Eyes! Someone cut them out!!)
"Eles queimam-se! Queime-se! A Dor!"
('They burn! Burn! The Pain!')
Pyro's Cowboys merge together into one giant western hero who ropes Rei de Vulcão. The giant fire cowboy swings the Latin mutant around above his head forming a ring of fire. Then with a crack, Rei is sent flying across the Convention area like a meteor creating a crater in the parking lot.
Pyro then collapses from the drain.
"That would have been the end of mission with a small repair to the parking lot and the hundred dollars for the Chief's Collector's Favorite, but one problem appeared. A problem named Kitty Pryde, whose vacation trip landed at the cook off. After that day, she was banned from cooking in the State of Texas."
The source of the thunderous sound is an immense serpentine monster with a dark red body covered in dark red brown scales. The head of the creature is bulbous with a mouth of red and black tendrils, which makes the creature resemble something out of Lovecraft novel. As it attacks and devours stand after stand, it fires a pepper spray-like liquid at the same volume and pressure of an industrial fire house. The chemical jet is powerful enough to shatter wood, tear fabric, and cut human flesh.
"What are the odds that Kitty would create a chili creature while experimenting with foreign spices?"
"What are chance that it would eat the Burning Air Formula hidden near Kitty's stand causing it to grow from a one meter (3ft 4) worm into a thirty meter (98ft 5) serpent?"
"What are our chances of stopping it?"
"I've been watching it devouring different 'Secret ingredients' used in the Chili con carne. Chocolate, cocoa, cumin, peanut butter, corn, pineapple, banana, oranges, tomatillos, beer, coffee, tequila, cola, honey, cinnamon, saffron, molasses, vinegar, red wine, whiskey, and bourbon. Ir's growth has been slowed by Chocolate, cocoa, coffee, and cola and increased by the tequila, red wine, whiskey, and bourbon. "
"Alcohol makes it grow faster, but Caffeine can kill it!"
"Where would we get that much Caffeine!?"
JJ pulls out a thermos of BA's Coffee.
"Where did you get that!? Didn't the Joes ban you from the mess hall to keep you away from it!?"
"So I overloaded the New York Stock Exchange." says JJ remembering interfacing with a million computers, "It was my first cup of coffee!"
"Blob! Fastball Special!"
The Fastball Special was created by Wolverine, a combination done by him and Colossus in which the metal Russian throws the Canadian berserker like a baseball. It's used to attack extremely tall targets, such as Sentinels. The technique was learned by his clone/daughter X-23/Rina. She later told Nicholas of the move, which he uses with Blob.
He may lack the razor-sharp adamentium claws of the two other feral mutants, but a thermos of BA's coffee can be just as lethal and the Jugglers are currently debating about listing it as a weapon.
Nicholas grabs hold of the monster's head and holds tight as the creature thrashes. As the creature kneels forward, he flips off tossing hot thermos directly down the throat. The canister tumbles down the throat, lands in the chemical stomach, and explodes into a green-brown cloud..
Nicholas is caught by Blob as the monster screams in pain.
The mutants and humans watch as the creature shakes as if having a seizure. It's brown scales crumble apart and the red flesh swells and blisters, pulsating as the creature moves. It's body stretches to it's limits and deforms into one large mass. Then the entire creature bursts into a red-brown chili cloud that soaks everyone.
Avalanche coughs and swallows some of the goo that got in his mouth.
"Congrats Kitty." says Lance to the stunned, chili covered Pryde, " You actually made something edible."
"I'm more surprised at that, then the defying physics.": says Scarlet Witch.
General Hawk slowly gets up and moves towards the door. He looks outside to see a bunch of green shirts being chased by two foot mini versions of the Chili monsters
"I told them not to keep the leftovers."
--End of Chapter 04
--CONTINUES IN HALLOW MISFITS