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Don Ho and the Born Again Virgin

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Summary: Hijinks ensue after Xander saves mini-Jack from his date, who's only after one thing; and Mini-Jack saves his date from Xander, since he's only after one thing. Teal'c watches the arrest go down on TV. So does the NID.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: FriendshipMuffieFR15410,530268624,42329 Aug 0829 Aug 08Yes

My Superhero Nickname....

Buffy rolled her eyes. She reached up with both hands, grabbed the DNA donor's shirt above her petite little self, and threw him over her shoulder and halfway across the warehouse. Kennedy paused to flash a grin at Buffy and started whaling on Teal'c like Muhammed Ali whaling on Alfred E Neumann, only Teal'c was Al and the little girl was the great Ali. Willow was on the cell phone again, amiably chatting with someone as if she were in the middle of the mall instead of fending off Ferretti's people. Somehow. Jon couldn't see it. She wasn't even paying attention to them. They'd get close and she'd make a shooing motion with her hand, like his mother used to do every time he'd annoy her when she was on the phone or cooking, and whichever one of Ferretti's boys had come too close would go skidding off across the warehouse floor. Don Ho was the surprise, though. He was beating off Sam and Danny, not that Danny was real difficult to beat up, but Sam was a tough cookie.

Jon stood there with his jaw hanging down somewhere around his knees while Buffy and Kennedy sauntered over to finish trouncing Ferretti's team once they finished with Teal'c and the DNA donor. Danny, being the smartest of the lot, backed away with his hands in the air and his glasses knocked off his face. "Easy, there," he told Don Ho and Buffy. "I wanted to talk, not fight, remember?"

"You wear camo. Makes you the enemy," Don Ho pointed out.

Buffy grabbed Danny by the lapel and pulled him down to her level. "I get the feeling that the asshole doesn't listen to what you have to say anyway."

"Yeah, Jack O'Neill doesn't listen to anyone but himself," Jon volunteered.

Kennedy glared at him and cracked her knuckles.

Jon raised his hands. "Hey, I'm not him. You can put those away."

Don Ho smirked. "No need to break out the big guns, Kennedy. I can take out the little creep."

"It's kind of obvious why the NID is interested in your group, but we're not like the NID. We're not into kidnapping and forcing people to do things they don't want to. We would just like to share information to see if it's helpful," Danny said.

The DNA donor groaned and flopped onto his back. Apparently he was coming around. Jon was beginning to think there was something to that song "Hope I die before I get old." In more ways than one.

Buffy snorted. "Right. Your idea of sharing information is for us to be all with the sharing and you to be not with the sharing. I don't think so."

Danny sighed. "If it were up to me."

Buffy shook her head. The golden strands of hair moved like silk around her shoulders. She hadn't even broken a sweat. God, how hot was that? "Obviously it's not. We're leaving and you're not going to stop us."


She held up her hand, palm flat to Danny. "Not talking to you anymore." She turned and faced Jon. "You, soldier boy. You're a clone of the asshole, right?"

Shit, she had her hands on her hips again and her breasts were doing things in her top that were making the idiot in his pants do the rumba. He cleared his throat and forced his eyes to go above her neckline. "Okay, a clone, yes, but an asshole? I like to think that I've learned a thing or two about tact and diplomacy during my second tour of high school."

"Well, you hit on me less than Xander ever did at your age."

"Hey!" Don Ho crossed his arms. "You were privileged to be the object of my affections and you so know it. I had only the most discerning taste in women. Cordy said so."

Buffy grinned at him for a moment, before returning her attention to Jon.

The DNA donor sat up slowly. "Did anyone get the name of the snake that ribboned me? Ugh."

"So, clone boy. You've got the full army guy package without the whole army ownership issues. How many years of experience are we talking here? The old guy looks like he's 70 or something," Buffy said, eyeing the DNA donor.

He was offended on his own behalf. "Hey! I'm not that old. I'm a mature 45. I've got 15 years solid field combat experience, most of that leadership in special operations. I've done 20 years in the service. Why, you offering me a job? What are the perks? Communal showers?"

Don Ho laughed. "No, the asshole cloned through loud and clear."

"Xander, knock it off. Pay sucks and the hours are worse, but there are lots and lots of girls you can drool over."

Apparently the idea struck Don Ho as funny because he started giggling like one of said girls. "If they don't kill him a lot for doing it." Don Ho quit laughing. "Wait a minute. We don't need him."

Willow hung up the cell phone. "Whenever you're ready, Buffy. And that's a great idea! Xander could use some help."

"No!" Don Ho snapped. "Xander does not need this kind of backup. I've got Andrew if the shit hits the fan."

"Andrew," Kennedy said in the same way one would suggest using a teacup poodle as a member of the Wings.

Willow and Buffy looked at each other, then Willow sighed. "Andrew means well and he does a good job for what he does, but face it Xander, when it comes to carrying out a strategic mission, he's a great Trekkie."

Don Ho crossed his arms over his chest and harumphed. "Andrew and I do just fine."

Jon smirked. "Oh, right. You and Andrew, Don Ho."

The DNA donor got to his feet. "Whatever you're planning, well, not happening. Jon's going to high school in the Springs. He's not authorized to go anywhere else."

Don Ho glowered at the DNA donor. "Cherry can come with us if he wants to. I just don't happen to want him to."

"I'm not a fucking virgin!" Jon yelled. "And you'll be on your knees kissing my feet after a week, wondering what you've ever done without me."

Danny helped Sam to her feet. "You're right, Jack. All evidence to the contrary, you have matured since high school."

"See? I told you so," Jack gloated. Then he frowned. "Wait a minute."

"Either you paid for it and someone was stupid enough to take your allowance, or someone's got more pity than sense," Don Ho pointed out. He faced Buffy. "I'll find someplace for him just so I can watch him break in two days. Unless he can fix cars, then I'll protect him from the girls."

Buffy shot Don Ho a look that said he would've found Jon a place whether he liked it or not. "All right, clone boy, you've got the job. You'll be working for Xander. Whenever you're ready, Wills."

Jon smiled at her. If he had been closer he would have tried for a handshake. Just the thought of it made his palms sweaty. "The name is Jon. Jon O'Neill. That's with two L's."

Don Ho rolled his eyes. "She's got a boyfriend, Romeo. Even if she didn't, she's way out of your league."

Jon continued to smile at Buffy while Willow started to chant. "I'm not trying to be a boyfriend. I'm just trying to be nice to a new colleague."

Buffy quirked an eyebrow and half-smiled. "If you say so, clone boy."

The DNA donor stuck a finger in the air. "Excuse me. Remember us? I'm the boy's daddy."

"DNA donor," Jon said. "I'm an emancipated minor."

"Who is under military jurisdiction. You're not---what the fuck?"

Buffy, Willow, Kennedy, Don Ho, and himself did the stargate without the stargate thing, just like the van had done before. Jon caught a glimpse of Carter's slapped in the face by a fish expression.

"I want my superhero nickname to be the Colonel. It has a ring to it," Jon said, taking perverse pleasure in the outrage on the DNA donor's face. He couldn't hear what the man was saying, though.

"The Scoobies just got a new donut boy," Don Ho said with something that approached A-Team levels of satisfaction just before the world wavered like a swoosh through the stargate and the warehouse disappeared.

The End

You have reached the end of "Don Ho and the Born Again Virgin". This story is complete.

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