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Don Ho and the Born Again Virgin

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Summary: Hijinks ensue after Xander saves mini-Jack from his date, who's only after one thing; and Mini-Jack saves his date from Xander, since he's only after one thing. Teal'c watches the arrest go down on TV. So does the NID.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Xander-Centered > Theme: FriendshipMuffieFR15410,530268624,37429 Aug 0829 Aug 08Yes

Mirandizing Morons

* Stargate belong to Brad Wright, Jonathan Glassner, and MGM. Buffy the Vampire Slayer belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

* Post-Chosen, vaguely in tune with Season 8 of Buffy. Season 7 of SG-1, pre-Heroes. Simmons is back, even though Jack blew him out of an airlock in Season 6, because I didn't want to write an original character and Woolsey didn’t really fit so well. So. Um. Happy Reincarnation Day Simmons!

* Extra-English Linguistic stuff extrapolated from the fact that SG creative people used Meriotic hieroglyphics as goa’uld script and I know that Ancient Greek is descended from Meriotic; though I'm vague on the extent. I completely made the etymological and word meaning stuff up. So not an Egyptologist, nor do I have access to a Meriotic/Demotic to English dictionary.

*****

Teal'c lifted his right eyebrow as he perused the television screen. The image did not alter. He tilted his head, just a bit. The squalling man-child raged against the two policemen holding him firmly against the police car. Teal'c picked up the cellular phone and pressed the second speed dial number. "O'Neill. You will wish to tune your television to channel 4," he stated before O’Neill could say anything.

"What the hell for, T?" O'Neill grumped. As expected, O'Neill tuned his television to the requested channel. "That little shit!"

Another squalling man, this one a few years older, hit the police car next to the image of a furious clone of Jack O'Neill. "We weren't doing anything wrong!" The man yelled. "We were just, um, walking!"

The police officer grimaced for the camera. "In the cemetery? At night?"

"We were *bleep* attacked! You *bleep* cops do your *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*!" the clone of O'Neill bellowed. "What in the *bleep* does a *bleep* guy have to do to get any service around here? *bleep* die?"

"Hey, it's not what you think, sir," the other man said. "There were some guys that were, like, on PCP or something and they came out of no where. They attacked this kid here and I helped him out."

"Yeahsureyoubetcha. More like I helped you out Pirate Boy and what's with that shirt? Did Don Ho puke on you or what?" The clone of O'Neill jerked against the police officer. "Hey! I know my rights Kojack!"

The other man heaved a sigh and slumped against the police car. "Make that tried to help him out. Rambo here screamed like a little girl and peed his pants."

The clone of O'Neill kicked at the other man. "I did not!"

Two of the police officers expertly snapped handcuffs on the two men. One of them snarled, much like Dirty Harry had in many of his movies. "Knock it off you two. You both have the right to remain silent."

Both handcuffed men ignored the officer.

"You're right. The girls I know wouldn't scream like that unless there was a shoe sale involved." The other man said.

"Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law," the police officer continued, lifting both man-children from the hood and pushing them toward the open doors of the police car.

From the receiver of the telephone came the sound of moaning and the rhythmic thumping of what might have been O'Neill's head on a piece of wood, such as a table or door.

"The girls you know only scream when the farmer yells sooooooeeeeee!" the clone of O'Neill snapped, bodily lifting himself against the police officer in protest at being dragged to the car.

"The girls I know don't think I'm a walking happy meal, runt boy. And when they find out you called them pigs," the other man-child gave an exaggerated shudder, "you are so going to be not wanting to be alive boy."

The camera operator started to swing away from the two of them, but one of the milling cops forcefully kept the eye on the action. There was more groaning from O'Neill.

The clone of O'Neill gave a sniff of disdain. "I'm not afraid of girls, Don. And I am the full meal deal."

"Hey!" The police officer forcing the clone of O'Neill to the car yelled. "I'm talkin' here! You've got the right to an attorney."

The other man-child grinned blindingly at the clone of O'Neill. "Scrawny bugger like you, you're about 4 quarts. Tops. Hardly a full meal for her."

"Shut up!" the police officer yelled. "If you can't afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you."

"What in the *beep* is that supposed to mean?" the clone of O'Neill demanded.

"Do either of you two understand these right as I've explained them to you?"

The two men-children glared at the police officer. "Yes!"

"You can cut to your reporter now," the police officer near the camera operator stated. "We'll need a copy of that tape. For evidence."

A few seconds later, a startled reporter blinked into the camera and fumbled with the microphone. "Well, ah. I'm Stephanie Messner with KSGO in Colorado Springs near Evergreen Cemetery where local police have just arrested two men in connection with the Dracula Murders."

"Oh Jesus Christ," O'Neill groaned. "T, have the OOD call in Hammond. I'm on my way in."
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