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This story is No. 3 in the series "Neighbours from Hell(mouth)". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: [WIP] Third in the Neighbours From Hell(mouth) series. Sam’s been busy working on a way to duplicate the way the Scoobies visit the SGC. That was a mistake.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > GeneralBoosterFR15513,84037928,22730 Aug 0331 Aug 04No

And You Thought It Was Bad When They Lost Your Bags...

Title : Neighbours From Hell(mouth) 3 : Just Shoot Me part 1
Author : Booster
Rating : 15
Summary : Sam’s been busy working on a way to duplicate the way the Scoobies visit the SGC. That was a mistake.

Disclaimer : Buffy and the gang belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. The Stargate people belong to Gekko Productions, Double Secret Productions, MGM/UA, and Showtime/Viacom.
Setting : Third in the Neighbours From Hell(mouth) series and a sequel to Just Popping Back. Takes place after both Buffy season 7 and Stargate season 7.
Distribution: Twisting the Hellmouth, FanFiction.Net, if anyone else wants it, just email and ask.
Feedback: Yes, please.

Special Thanks : Rescue, who provided the French scenery and translations. And Laney, a very special beta reader and encourager. Plus, it was during one particular chat with her that this all fell into place. Blame her. I mean it. Her. Totally her fault. Stop looking at me like that.

Author’s Note : This was never meant to be a series, you know. Too much feedback from people enjoying it and wanting more parts. Plus, I got really attached to the characters. I just hope you’re happy now…

Chapter 1 – And You Thought It Was Bad When They Lost Your Bags…


When all was said and done, Major Samantha Carter was first and foremost a scientist. The recent visitations to Stargate Command by what they referred to themselves as the Scoobies irked her. It was not scientifully possible.

Sure, she’d seen that parallel universes existed. Daniel had been to a couple and she’d even met herself once. That she could accept. It bugged her that she couldn’t understand the Quantum Mirror, but there were solid, rational, scientific reasons behind its workings.

But all this magic they talked about…. this rituals of words and gestures and objects.. Rubbish. Total and absolute rubbish. And as for this talk that Dawn was actually made up of dimensional energy - ridiculous. Obviously, some kind of Goa’uld technology was in use somewhere, and she was determined to find out just what kind. The last couple of times, she’d actually managed to get some solid readings on the energy used. Maybe now, she’d be able to duplicate it.

“Oh, Carter?” came the voice from just behind her left ear, as she was making a final few adjustments to the underside of the modified Naquadah generator. Controlling her first impulse to jerk her head upwards, she carefully pulled herself out from under and turned to face Colonel O’Neill.

“Sir? I was just making a few adjustments to the modified generator” she said, seeing his faintly disapproving look. And his lack of uniform. Which meant… uh-oh.

“You are aware, are you not, Carter, that we are all currently on leave? That being so, why precisely are you still here, toiling away at... at… at whatever that contraption is” he smirked, eyebrows oh so casually raised in that sarcastic way of his.

Carter folded her arms defensively “It’s a modified Naquadah generator, Colonel. Designed to create a temporary subspace energy field leading to an Einstein-Rosen bridge across….”

She was interrupted by Jack’s “Hold it!”. Glaring somewhat at her, he continued “How many times have I told you about too much techno-babble? Small words, Carter, small words.”

The two of them were temporarily diverted by Daniel’s entry into the room, carrying a couple of textbooks. “Hey Sam, Jack. Ready to go? Teal’c is just coming.” Placing the books down on one side, he noticed the generator. “Oh hey, is that the ERG? How’s that coming along, Sam?”

That was it. Clicking his fingers to get their attention, Jack just looked at the two of them. “ERG? Subspace? And Daniel knows? For the love of Allah, will someone tell me what’s going on?”

Sam looked at Daniel. Daniel just looked back at her. She sighed and pointed to the generator. “E.R.G. sir. Einstein Rosen Generator. It should be able to create small limited portals to other worlds sir. Only parallel Earths at the moment, though Sir.”

Daniel moved forward and rested his hands on the ERG. “Sam’s using some of the blood left behind from Dawn’s first visit to the SGC to establish the precise dimension that... Ooops.”

“Ooops?” said Jack, with that certain tone in his voice. “Ooops, Daniel? Ooops is never good. In fact, I would go as far…”

At that precise moment, a bright green flash of energy filled the room. Quickly fading away, the room remained much as it was before, save for the absence of sound and three people. A silence broken by Teal’c placing his head into the room.

“Colonel O’Neill? Major Carter?” Teal’c entered and looked around carefully. They could not have gone anywhere else without him observing their departure, so logically they must still be within this room. He moved forward, towards the machine that Major Carter had recently been spending most of her time on.

Looking down at the floor nearby, his eyebrow quirked. Most odd indeed.


Buffy had to admit, France did have some beautiful views.

From up here on the Eiffel Tower, you could see most of Paris spread out before you. Even the way the streetlights shone in the darkened streets seemed pretty when you looked out at them. Just take care of the French vampires, and rescue Dawn first. Plenty of time for sight seeing afterwards.

She ducked one particular punch thrown by the nearest vampire, and used her momentum to send her flying into the nearby steel buttress. That left her facing two male vampires in front. Good. Time to do the trademark banter and confuse them. “Guten tag! Ich bin Buffy die Vampire Slayer!”

The French vampires just blinked and paused for one moment. One moment too long for one of them, as Buffy’s stake went straight through his heart and he exploded into dust. That left the one circling in front of her, and the female one she’d run into the wall. Risking a glance behind her, she noticed that she was only just getting up now.

The vamp in front threw a punch towards her head. Buffy easily avoided that, and kicked his leg hard just above the knee joint. As he automatically moved his hands towards the leg, Buffy took full advantage of the observation desk layout and swung one of the telescopes round in an arc and cracked his head with it. “Y’know what?” she said, tackling the dazed vampire and sending him to the floor.

“Some things really are the same wherever you go. McDonalds… vampires… Dawn getting kidnapped.” She sat on top of the downed vampire and placed her stake against his chest. “So, tall, dark and gruesome…. Where… is… my… sister?”

Eyes flashing, the vampire scowled up at her and said “"Je n'ai absolument aucune idée de ce que tu me racontes.”

“Ummm…Dawn? Sacrifice thingie? Key? French Fries? Cul de sac?” Buffy paused for a moment, temporarily stumped. Her musings were interrupted when the female vampire jumped on her from behind. The sudden impact caused Buffy’s stake to go through the chest of the vampire she was on and penetrate the heart.

The resulting cloud of ashes flew straight up, momentarily blinding both Buffy and the female vampire. Scrambling away from her, Buffy looked round for her stake and couldn’t see it. A whistle drew her attention to the side, to where Xander was standing, digging in his bag of tricks.

Throwing her another stake, he grinned at her and yelled “Stake her, she’s French!”

Grinning slightly, Buffy jumped up and kicked the vampire in the chest, sending her flying back a couple of paces. “Will do!” she yelled back, before dropping down and kicking the vampire’s feet out from under her. One last punch to the head and then the stake to the heart… yes!

Pulling back to avoid the dust cloud this time, she got up and approached Xander. “Dammit Xander, I got vamp in my hair! Have you any idea how long it takes to wash vampire dust out? That bitch made me stake her friend while I was way too close” she stretched her arm out for one moment. “You and Wills take care of those three you had, I take it?”

“Just about. They weren’t expecting a witch and a one-eyed guy with a Holy Water pistol.” He grinned back as Willow came over to join them. “So my sweet babooska, how went the asking of questions?”

Willow smiled up at her closest friends. “Firstly, Babooska is Russian Xander, although I’m not totally sure on that. And second, I seem to be doing better with my Russian than my French. I mean, in school I was totally making with the frenchness, and Oz and homework and Snyder but then… well.. giant snake mayor demon thing. French just seemed sorta low on the revision priority list.”

“So no answers then either?” worried Buffy. “I think it’s the language more than anything. Mind you, they do all seem to recognize ‘Slayer’ in whatever tongue.” She turned to face the two of them once more. “What we could really do with right now is a linguist like Giles.”

Which naturally, was the point at which a large green portal opened up just above their heads, and dropped three naked people on the decking in front of them.


Colonel Jack O’Neill was a veteran of many, many arrivals in strange places. He’d been with the US Air Force for several long years, getting used to their constant shuffling around of personnel. Not to mention over seven years worth of Stargate trips. As such, he’d consequently developed a quick mental checklist of things to do on arrival.

Step 1 – check to see whether anyone was shooting at him. Nobody doing so. Check.

Step 2 – check your fellow travelers were present. Let’s see... Carter to his left, Daniel slightly behind him. Check. Wait a moment….

Step 3 never got to the launchpad.

Jack’s brain stuttered on Carter and Daniel being naked, swung back to Carter naked, hit the “I’m Cold” message being passed up by his outer nervous system, peaked momentarily in the logical section of his brain, and culminated in one shout : “CARTER!!!”

Pushing himself upwards, he rolled over and looked towards her. Big mistake. Averting his eyes quickly, he continued in only a slightly quieter tone “Where are we? What happened to our clothes? And more importantly, why do you hate me enough to do this to me?”

“Um, hello? Colonel O’Neill ?” A voice came from off to the side. Looking towards the voice, he saw three young people. Two girls and one young man with an… eye patch…

“Oh god, no. Please don’t say we’re where I think we are….” Jack’s heart sank. Where those people were concerned was where he drew the line. Hell, his arm had only just healed from the first time they’d met.

“Wow!” said Xander. “It’s Terminator 4 : Send in the Clowns. Hey.. wait a minute” he cleared his throat and stared up at the ceiling. “What we could really do with right now is a supermodel! Or two! Preferably armed with some more Holy water and stakes.”

He looked at Buffy “I think you broke it, Buff.”

Jack pushed himself up off the deck and started to really notice the cold draft coming in. Ignoring the Scoobies for a moment, he turned to Sam and Daniel. Carter just looked at him, trying to cover herself up with both arms and not doing that brilliant a job. Daniel though… Daniel didn’t have his glasses with him. Oh great. This was going to turn out so well. He could just tell already. “Carter? Daniel? How you two doing?”

Carter seemed almost in tears. “I’m sorry sir! There’s no way this should have happened. It’s never occurred in any of the Stargate trips or tests… There’s no way I could have known, Colonel.”

Daniel just seemed confused. “Jack? What’s happening? Have you seen my glasses anywhere?”

Oh great. The Slayer Squad had joined them now. “Miss Summers. What precisely is going on here? And would there be any chance of some clothing? Pretty please?”

Buffy was pulling her sweater off and giving it to Carter, but seemed distracted somehow. “Oh! Yes! Right! Um.. we’re looking for Dawn right now. She’s been kidnapped by some local vampires who plan on sacrificing her.” Okay. Right. Still sticking to that story of theirs then. And just what was she looking at behind him? Not Daniel, surely?

Buffy moved towards Daniel. “Good to see you, Doc. Um… I mean... we need someone good with tongues. Languages! Yes! French! You speak good French, right?”

She glanced briefly at Jack. “Oh yeah…. We’re in France by the way. The Eiffel Tower to be totally locationaly accurate.” France? That wasn’t good.

Daniel blinked and peered around fuzzily. “Yes, I speak excellent French. I normally read it pretty well too. Are you sure you don’t have my glasses, Jack?”

By now, both Xander and Willow had pulled off excess bits of clothing and were giving them to Jack and Daniel. Jack noticed idly at the back of his mind that Xander seemed to be almost sneaking looks at of the corner of his eye at Carter, who was trying to get her head through the sleeve of Buffy’s long sweater.

Willow spoke up “This was one of the two spots needed for the complete ritual to occur. So we came here looking for Dawn. We did find her blood over there, but obviously missed her by about 10 minutes.”

Sam pulled her head through the sweater’s neck and piped up. “That would make sense. I was running tests on her blood. Guess we were pulled through as some kind of counterweight to their trying to open a portal. “

Buffy looked grim for a moment and actually stopped staring at Daniel. “Then the big baddies behind it left enough vamps to cover their exit and ran for it. With Dawn.”

With Dawn? “Ah. Then you have no way for us to get back without her?” Jack swallowed. Definitely not good. “Carter? How long do we get in an alternative earth before Catatrop… Cata…Cal…. You know?”

“Entropic Cascade Failure, Sir.” Sam looked serious “When my duplicate was present in our universe, it took about 48 hours before the first signs hit. And then it got increasingly worse.”

Buffy looked at the three scruffily dressed SG-1 members, her arms folded across her chest. “So, you guys are stuck here unless Dawn gets you home fast. We need a translator to help us with the French vampires. Guess we’re stuck with each other.”

Jack looked around at Carter and Daniel. “Guess we’re in. But please? Can we get some real clothes soon? And weapons would be good.”

Willow came back from looking over the edge. “Buffy? I think we should get going back to our hotel room now. The police seem to be heading towards us now.” She looked around the area and closed her eyes in concentration. “Besides, there’s nothing more around here to find. No nasties or Dawn nearby.”

Buffy grimaced and started walking to the stairs down. “We’ll find her. And then they’ll be in trouble. Xan? Coming?”

Jack mentally jumped. Anything was better than sticking round here in someone else’s tight fitting clothing. He waved Carter and Daniel to follow Xander down the stairs. And couldn’t help noticing the way that both Willow and Buffy’s eyes followed along at about Daniel’s groin level.

As Jack started to walk by the two girls on his way down, he caught Buffy’s whispered comment to Willow : “As Cordy would say… hello, salty goodness! Dawn’s got much better taste than I thought.” Jack just sighed mentally, and carried on going.

Buffy smirked as she walked past Jack on their way down and shook her head. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. You’d think such a macho big shot soldier guy would be a tad more impressive in the equipment department.”

Jack blinked in bemusement. What was she… “Hey! It was COLD, ok?!!”

Oh, someone was going to be in so much trouble when they got home.

To Be Continued
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