A\N: I watched this movie the other day and this plot tribble jumped out at me at warp speed. Enjoy. Oh, and I still don’t own Buffy or MIB, but if enough of us pool our money … who knows? The only problem with that is the fighting over who gets who!
“Zed, we have a problem.”
Such a simple statement. Who would dream that those five words would cause the chaos that they did. Of course, one should consider the source. Zed, the utterly unflappable Zed, the man that could face down the destruction of the planet with nothing more than a raised eyebrow, did exactly that when he heard those words from Agent K Everyone else in the warroom immediately began running for the nearest escape pod.
“I take it that something has not gone according to plan.” Zed replied to his top agent, drily.
“We have encountered something that isn’t covered by regulations.”
Zed’s other eyebrow joined his first while some people actually had to pick their jaws up off the floor. ‘Not covered by regulations?’ was the general thought. K wrote the book on regulations and if this had him stymied, then it must be a doozy.
“We need full containment, and our tech guys to meet us in the garage. We’re bringing in a guest.”
Zed did something he never did. He reached for the top drawer of his desk, opened it, and pulled out a plain bottle that carried a label that read simply, ‘Use In Case of Armageddon’. He opened it, shook out two aspirin, and swallowed them dry.
The garage was full when the LTD pulled in. Dozens of guns of various make were aimed at the car as it came to a stop. Agent J popped his door first and got out. “Whoa! You can feel the love in this room!” The dark skinned agent raised his hands and made lowering motions. “I appreciate the gesture guys but, trust me, our guest isn’t dangerous.”
“That is a subjective statement, Slick.” stated Agent K as he exited the driver’s side. “An Arcturian Fluffy is dangerous either, until you threaten it’s pack, then it can take down a Rigellian Scream-for-help even at the cost of it’s own life.” He opened the rear door to let out a tall dark haired man with an eye patch. “Just don’t threaten his friends or family and you’ll never see his teeth.” he informed the gathered agents.
A statuesque blond woman stepped to the front and looked over the one-eyed man before her. He returned her gaze with frank amusement. “So, Agent K, what have you dropped in our laps this time?”
The man in question suddenly smiled at her, an infectious lop-sided thing. “Xander Harris, at your service.” He reached out and took her hand, bending over it and gently kissing the back of it.
“Well, he’s obviously NOT a male from this planet.” the blond shot at her fellow agents with a smirk. “Agent L at your service Mr. Harris.”
Xander’s face grimaced. “Please, just call me Xander. Mr. Harris reminds me too much that I was related to my father.”
L cocked an eyebrow at him. “Alright, Xander. So what brings you to M.I.B.?”
“It’s weird, L. The neuralizer doesn’t work on him.” J chimed in.
L looked at Xander in shock as he stood there grinning sheepishly. She turned her head to look at the older of the pair of agents.
K frowned at his partner before making his own statement. “We were unable to get the neuralizer to work on Mr. Harris.” he said, confirming his partners statement. “It worked on his companions, but not on him. That led to some unpleasantness until we assured him that the women he was accompanying were unharmed.” He walked around to the back of the car and popped the trunk, reaching in and pulling out … a battle axe? The corner of K’s mouth quirked up slightly in what was a smile to him. “This belongs to Mr. Harris.” He tossed it to Xander who caught it on the fly, did a twirling pass with it, and then grounded the butt on the floor, resting his crossed arms across the top. K smirked openly at the shocked looks on the faces of the agents. “That’s even more impressive when he is swinging it at you.”
L looked back at Xander with both respect and professional interest. “You swung that axe at Agent K? And you’re still alive?”
Xander looked embarrassed. “In my defense, I thought he had done something to my girls with that flash thingy of his.” The look of embarrassment vanished to be replaced by a look that was as cold as any that K ever produced. “No one hurts my girls.” he stated with quiet certainty. He looked back at Agent K. “Once ole ‘Starch for Shorts’ finally explained that they were unhurt, just had their memories tampered with, I calmed down. Then they invited me to come here and I decided that I would to keep the peace.” He looked around. “Besides, my inner geek would never have forgiven me if I hadn’t come.” He grinned again. “I mean, come on! Aliens and an underground clandestine police force that doesn’t answer to anybody to keep them under control and hidden? It’s a conspiracy slash sci-fi geeks paradise!”
J looked at him like he was crazy. “Just for the record, you do know that we can’t let you run around with this knowledge in your head? I mean, that’s what the neuralizer is for, to keep humans from panicking. Can’t be scared of what you don’t remember.”
“Hey!” Xander’s reply was indignant. “I can keep a secret! Just ask my friends … who I can’t tell you about.”
Zed pushed his way forward. “Alright, son. I think we’ve spent enough time on background information.” He scowled at the one-eyed young man in front of him. “I want to know how you could by-pass the neuralizer. It’s guaranteed to work on any sentient species in the known universe.”
“That’s what he,” Xander stabbed a finger toward Agent K, “said.” Xander shrugged. “Danged if I know why that little strobe light didn’t work. Maybe it’s because I’ve only got one eye.”
J, K, L, and Zed all shook their heads. “No.” spoke Zed. “It’s always worked on one- eyed people before.”
Xander felt a building tension in the air and smiled. “Then maybe it was magic.”
J snorted. “There’s no such thing as magic.”
Xander’s smile got even wider as a voice spoke from behind him. “That’s good to know.” came a voice that was both amused and angry. “Freeze.” and everyone froze at the command.
“Hey, Wills.” Xander turned and was engulfed by the red headed witch.
“Just what do you think you’re doing, mister, going off with strange government people?” she scolded.
K kept his presence of mind in the face of this disaster. “Young lady, you have violated numerous laws and regulations concerning the authority of this organization. Not to mention that you are interfering with an investigation of galactic importance.”
Willow raised a red eyebrow. “Is he always like this?” she asked, in general. Everyone nodded. “It must be all the black.” She grinned mischievously. “Maybe this,” she snapped her fingers, “will help.” At the snap, there was a bright flash of light and everyone’s clothes changed to Hawaiian shirts, Bermuda shorts, and flip flops.
“How are you doing this?” asked L. “Some form of alien technology that we are unaware of?”
“Nope.” Xander wiggled his fingers. “Magic.”
“Finding Xander was easy. I have a tracking spell on him at all times so I know where he is all the time. I found out what happened when I reversed that memory spell you did on the girls.” Willow looked at Xander in sympathy. “Get ready to be mobbed when we get back. The girls were really upset that sourpuss,” she glared at K, “made them think that you had decided that you didn’t want anything to do with them anymore. That was smart of you, by the way.”
Xander smirked at K’s questioning look. “I knew that the cover story that you came up with as to why I wasn’t with them anymore would raise all kinds of flags. Anybody who knows me knows that my girls always come first, so I didn’t kick up a huge fuss when you pulled your flashy thing because I knew that Willow would see right through it.” He chuckled. “You had better be glad that it was her that came for me instead of my girls. Faith takes no prisoners.” Xander looked around the garage one last time. “We better get going Wills. Later, guys.” He nodded to J and K. He smiled at L. “It was a pleasure meeting you.” he said with a slight bow.
“We know who you are, Mr. Harris.” K spoke as Willow and Xander moved close together. “We will find you.” he said as a bright flash engulfed the smiling pair.
“Uh, K? Who are we going to find?” asked J in puzzlement. “And why are we dressed for a luau?”
K opened his mouth and then closed it. “I don’t know, Slick, and somehow I don’t feel the urge to find out.” He looked down at his new uniform in distaste. “Come on, Slick. Let’s get changed back into our work clothes and bust some aliens. I heard that some natives from Vampiria have snuck onto the planet and we need to get them before they start infecting people.”
“Awww, man! Do you know how hard it is to get that dust out of your clothes?”
“All part of the job, Slick.”
A\N: I hope you liked this. It came to me and wouldn’t leave me alone until I wrote it down. The M.I.B. characters in this fic are based more on the cartoon than the movie.