Disclaimer: I want to own the characters you’ll see here. However I also want to be named the overlord of the earth simply because I don’t want to be bombarded with election commercials this year, I see neither happening now or at any point in the future.
Summary: Doesn’t matter if it’s a demon that wants to eat him, an Inca Mummy Girl that wants to kill his friends, or Wednesday Addams. The loves of Xander Harris are varied, but they can all kick his butt.
AN: Yeah another short one, for some reason my muse isn’t giving me anything more than fragmented bunnies for this series.
Things had progressed well in Xanders opinion. He was hanging out with yet another hot girl, and he no longer feared that she would slice open his stomach and strangle him with his intestines if she got too bored. Most people would call him insane for hanging around a girl that would give him that imagery in the first place, but those people didn’t live on the Hellmouth so Xander could call it progress if he wanted to.
Okay, so hanging around Wednesday may have less to do with the Hellmouth and more to do with the fact that she was hot once you got past some of her more frightening personality traits. Possible death was still included in the package though.
From that perspective it really was amazing that most human males made it through puberty alive. If all guys were like him then scientifically 90% should die from their own stupidity before they turned twenty one.
Frowning Xander figured that the sooner this field trip was over the better. A museum wasn’t the place for these deep thoughts. No, deep thoughts should be thought at a place with loud noises and many distractions that could keep him from thinking deep thoughts if his mind wandered into the scary places.
Suddenly the image of Snyder in a woman’s thong popped into his mind, causing him to shudder and curse his mind for always coming up with the worst case possible just to prove it could.
“Xander is something wrong?” asked Willow.
“Just thinking too hard Wills,” responded Xander with a shrug.
“Scary mental places again huh?”
“Yep,” confirmed Xander.
“Scary mental places?” asked Buffy who was completely lost at the exchange between the two childhood friends.
“Jesse and Xander would always say that they went to scary mental places if they thought too hard. I think most of the time it was just an excuse to get me to do their homework though,” explained Willow.
“Hey, I protest. I haven’t tricked you into doing my homework for me in weeks now.”
Both Xander and Willow knew he hadn’t fully given up on having her do his homework, just the part about tricking her into doing it. When you were sleep deprived from helping the Slayer hunt vampires it made sense to Xander to have the member of the group that could finish the work in thirty minutes do the job every now and then.
Willow never got a chance to rebut his argument though because as they came to the end of some display cases the group of friends found a student scratching a mask that probably belonged to some long dead culture or another.
“What’s he doing?” asked Buffy.
“Something that would make Giles have a heart attack,” observed Xander. “You see Buffy that is Rodney Munson, all you really need to know about him is that he’s god’s gift to the bell curve. Basically what he lacks in smarts, he makes up for in a lack of smarts.”
“You’re just mad about that time he beat you up every day for five years,” said Willow.
“Yeah, I’m irrational that way.”
Buffy smiled, something that always made Xander happy, and said, “I better go stop him before he gets into trouble.”
“Too late,” said Xander as he nodded to where Wednesday was walking toward Rodney.
“Do I have to save his life now?”
“Only if he’s stupid enough to get Wednesday mad at him.”
“So stand by with stake in hand?”
“I would stop doing that if I were you,” said Wednesday in her usual tone of voice. However unlike most people Rodney simply growled at her.
Wednesday’s eyes narrowed slightly, the only indication that she was becoming annoyed. She would have admired Rodney for not being immediately intimidated by her if it wasn’t pure stupidity that gave him that ability.
He would have to be taught the error of his ways. The only question was how far she would have to go to properly teach him the lesson.
“Do you know about the theory of natural selection?” asked Wednesday for no apparent reason.
“The theory of natural selection, in its most base form, states that the smart and strong thrive while the stupid and weak die.”
“What does that have to do with me?” asked Rodney even as a chill ran down his spine.
“I consider touching any of the displays to be a sign of stupidity.”
“You know what, I think I’m just going to wait on the bus,” said Rodney while silently adding that he was also going to try and not wet himself. The girl’s tone hadn’t changed at all, but for some reason he felt a strong need to be away from her, and more importantly away from the displays because too many of them were of the sharp and pointy variety.
“That would be an intelligent choice.”
Apparently Rodney’s brain could comprehend simple concepts, like intelligent and alive good, while stupid and dead bad, because the second the words had left Wednesday’s mouth he was all but running out the door.
“Did you really have to do that?” asked Willow as the group approached Wednesday.
Wednesday slightly cocked her head as she regarded the red haired hacker. “No, I could have let him continue to think that it was okay to touch strange and old artifacts on the Hellmouth.”
“Oh, I guess that makes sense in an avoid needless death and destruction kind of way,” said Willow.
Wednesday didn’t respond she simply began to walk towards the next exhibit with the other students, the Scooby Gang following close behind.
When they reached the Incan princess Wednesday studied the mummified remains in a way only an Addams could. Her family wasn’t overtly magical, but that being said they had taught her to instantly know when something was alive, dead, or somewhere in between, and the body laying before her fit into the third category.
Five hundred years was enough time spent as a withered husk of a human in Wednesday’s opinion. Once she returned home she would talk about how to either kill or revive the Incan girl with her family.
“Hello Xander,” said Wednesday.
“You know the dance that’s being thrown for all the exchange students?”
“I was wondering if you would like to go with me, in a hopefully date like capacity.”
Wednesday regarded him coolly for a moment before saying, “Pick me up an hour before the dance starts, I want you to meet the rest of my family first.”
“Okay, I can do that. After seeing your parents dance and kill vampires at the same time I think I can deal with your family.”
Wednesday decided not to mention that was one of the safer activities her parents engaged in. Xander would see her family in its entirety in a few days, and he would either survive the experience or he wouldn’t.